Bottom Quotes
Eddie: That, my friend, is Welsh money.
Richie: They don't have any Welsh money!
"Spudgun": No wonder they all vote Labour.
Richie: They don't have any Welsh money!
"Spudgun": No wonder they all vote Labour.
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Eddie: They're the Queen's jugs.
Richie: What?
Eddie: They're the Queen's jugs.
Richie: A: The queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty! B: If she did, she certainly wouldn't get 'em out on the back of a fiver. She'd save 'em up for the fifty!
Eddie: If you have a little look at my fifty, you may find it a tad more risque.
Richie: What?
Eddie: They're the Queen's jugs.
Richie: A: The queen doesn't have jugs, she's royalty! B: If she did, she certainly wouldn't get 'em out on the back of a fiver. She'd save 'em up for the fifty!
Eddie: If you have a little look at my fifty, you may find it a tad more risque.
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Richie: Eddie, that's tantamount to treason! ...She's got three knockers!
Eddie: No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle.
Eddie: No, that's Bobby Charlton in the middle.
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Richie: Eddie
Eddie: Yeah?
Richie: How do you actually drive a car?
Eddie: Well, you reach under the dashboard, grab those two wires and jam them together 'til the engine starts up...
Richie: Uh-huh.
Eddie: ...then, you drink another can of Special Brew, stick a brick on the accelerator and aim it at the post office!
Richie: well, I'm just going to turn this key and see what happens...
Eddie: Yeah?
Richie: How do you actually drive a car?
Eddie: Well, you reach under the dashboard, grab those two wires and jam them together 'til the engine starts up...
Richie: Uh-huh.
Eddie: ...then, you drink another can of Special Brew, stick a brick on the accelerator and aim it at the post office!
Richie: well, I'm just going to turn this key and see what happens...
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Richie: You dropped it!
Eddie: Well I was being run over by the riot squad.
Richie: Well Two wrongs dont make a right young man
Eddie: But at least we got the duck.
(Holds up a rubber duck)
Richie: The duck?
Eddie: Yeah, it floats in the bath.
Richie: Why?
Eddie: It's hollow!
Richie: No, I mean why the duck?
Eddie: It came free with the telly.
Richie: Eddie everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why didn't you get a free telly with the telly?
Eddie: Well it would sink in the bath wouldn't it!
Eddie: Well I was being run over by the riot squad.
Richie: Well Two wrongs dont make a right young man
Eddie: But at least we got the duck.
(Holds up a rubber duck)
Richie: The duck?
Eddie: Yeah, it floats in the bath.
Richie: Why?
Eddie: It's hollow!
Richie: No, I mean why the duck?
Eddie: It came free with the telly.
Richie: Eddie everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why didn't you get a free telly with the telly?
Eddie: Well it would sink in the bath wouldn't it!
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Eddie: We've been burgled!
Richie: Well you may have but I have never in my life! As a Christian I'm so tightly clenched-- OH! Oh, burgled!
Richie: Well you may have but I have never in my life! As a Christian I'm so tightly clenched-- OH! Oh, burgled!
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Eddie: That's it. I'm going to write to my MP!
Richie: (confused) Why?!
Eddie: Because... I love her!
Richie: (emphatically) Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!
Eddie: She's not, she's not!
Richie: (confused) Why?!
Eddie: Because... I love her!
Richie: (emphatically) Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!
Eddie: She's not, she's not!
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Richie: Hello? Put me through to the Prime Minister! ...Because I want to blackmail him! ...It's Richard Richard. Oh shit! [hangs up] I accidentally gave my name away! You'll have to do it Eddie. Use an assumed name.
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Richie: : Ah, Monica. You were the first, and you'll be the last. You took my cherry... right off!
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Richie: : Eddie I have decided to kill myself because I'm £15,000 in debt!
Eddie: Fucking Hell! A line from the play!
Eddie: Fucking Hell! A line from the play!
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Richie: : Just SHUT UP and watch the play, right? (points to Eddie) You, leave me alone: we're never gonna get out of South-fucking-hampton.
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Eddie: Right, so your philosophy is... bollocks?
Richie: : Yes!
Eddie: Well that's an unusual philosophical stance.
Richie: : Yeah, I think I put my trousers on too quickly just now. But stick to the point, Eddie, I thought we were talking philosophy?
Eddie: Well, we were, but your philosophy is bollocks!
Richie: : So let's talk bollocks!
Eddie: BUT THAT'S ALL WE EVER DO!
Richie: : So let's do what we always do!
Eddie: Oh god, and so it goes on, day after day, year in year out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, don't you ever yearn for change?
Richie: : Yes!
Eddie: Well that's an unusual philosophical stance.
Richie: : Yeah, I think I put my trousers on too quickly just now. But stick to the point, Eddie, I thought we were talking philosophy?
Eddie: Well, we were, but your philosophy is bollocks!
Richie: : So let's talk bollocks!
Eddie: BUT THAT'S ALL WE EVER DO!
Richie: : So let's do what we always do!
Eddie: Oh god, and so it goes on, day after day, year in year out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, don't you ever yearn for change?
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Eddie: Alan Rickman eat your heart out!
Eddie: [towards Richie] And cue.
Richie: : [Looks at the audience who seems to have taken Eddie's side] Right. Wanna give me the feedline again in front of all your friends?
Eddie: [Laughs to himself] Yea, sorry. I... I forgot to mention I was actually born in Southampton! It's good to be home!
Eddie: [towards Richie] And cue.
Richie: : [Looks at the audience who seems to have taken Eddie's side] Right. Wanna give me the feedline again in front of all your friends?
Eddie: [Laughs to himself] Yea, sorry. I... I forgot to mention I was actually born in Southampton! It's good to be home!
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Richie: I wonder how much it is this week. [masturbates the ceiling post] Eighteen million? Twenty million? [realises what he is doing and stops] Shit!
Richie: What will I do? What will I do?! I've got it: I'm going to employ a prositute. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do-oo it! I don't believe it; my wildest dream come true!
Richie: What will I do? What will I do?! I've got it: I'm going to employ a prositute. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do-oo it! I don't believe it; my wildest dream come true!
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Richie: : Oh, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, you were born in Southampton? Wow! Why did you ever leave?
Eddie: That was a bit below the belt [thinks of a comeback] Because... I found the railway station!
Eddie: That was a bit below the belt [thinks of a comeback] Because... I found the railway station!
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Richie: : [towards the audience] Stop fucking clapping! [imitates them]
Richie: : Bastards! [towards someone in the front of the upper circle] Especially you! You oughtta fucking jump!
Eddie: That's no way to speak to my mother [towards the audience] Sorry mum.
Richie: : Bastards! [towards someone in the front of the upper circle] Especially you! You oughtta fucking jump!
Eddie: That's no way to speak to my mother [towards the audience] Sorry mum.
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Richie: Eddie, I understand you're trying to put a brave face on, but don't you think that that particular face was just a little bit too fucking brave?!
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Richie: Eddie, I have good news and bad. there is some yoghurt, but if you want to eat you're gonna have to shave it first. Er, theres also a sausage, but it appears to have already been digested...twice. and theres also a rather unpleasant and completely useless piece of human excrement in there, but i think it might just be Graham Taylor.
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Richie: No you bloody well won't! The last one you had has a half-life of five hundred years! We should have your rectum sealed in concrete and dumped in the north sea. now hurry up and eat your breakfast before Saddam Hussein gets a whiff of your bot and tries to dump you on the Kurds!
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Richie: : Eddie, I've got some sad and tragic [laughs]. I've got some sad and [laughs]...I've got some sad and tragic news. [laughs] Eddie, I've got some sad and tragic news.
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Eddie: : Well you don't look very upset about it. You sounded much sadder than that today in rehearsal. [to audience] I tell you, he made me cry.
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