Clark and Michael Quotes
Michael: What's wrong with the car?
Clark: Nothing's wrong. That's just it, like, he saved me a trip to the mechanic. So, just gonna buy him and his wife dinner.
Michael: You go to those mechanics, and they're bloodsuckers, Clark.
Clark: I didn't go to the mechanic!
Michael: But I'm saying they'll charge you $500 for a simple repair. They'll charge you for everything that you're worth, basically. I read that in a book.
Clark: Yeah, what book was that?
Michael: Uh, it was was called the newspaper, or maybe it was the Internet. I read it!
Clark: Yeah, that's what it was. You read it. That's what happened. You were just doing some recreational reading.
Clark: Nothing's wrong. That's just it, like, he saved me a trip to the mechanic. So, just gonna buy him and his wife dinner.
Michael: You go to those mechanics, and they're bloodsuckers, Clark.
Clark: I didn't go to the mechanic!
Michael: But I'm saying they'll charge you $500 for a simple repair. They'll charge you for everything that you're worth, basically. I read that in a book.
Clark: Yeah, what book was that?
Michael: Uh, it was was called the newspaper, or maybe it was the Internet. I read it!
Clark: Yeah, that's what it was. You read it. That's what happened. You were just doing some recreational reading.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: So we are on our way right now to meet with Nate and his wife, Susan. Fun little side note - I call her "Lazy Susan." But she hates it. [laughs] She hates it!
Michael: [laughing] Is she lazy?
Clark: Her eye, is lazy. I told her that she could call me "Clark Bar," or if she wanted, like a fun nickname for me, but she's not into it. But besides Susan, Nate is pretty great.
Michael: [laughing] Is she lazy?
Clark: Her eye, is lazy. I told her that she could call me "Clark Bar," or if she wanted, like a fun nickname for me, but she's not into it. But besides Susan, Nate is pretty great.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: So he says to her, "sweater vest? Sweetheart, that's a V-neck!" It was like from a movie, honestly. It was the clumsiest! I wish you all could have been there.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: You've really got to watch these auctions online, when they get down to the wire, keep your eye on them. This one character, this son of a bee, he's trying to snake me for about a month now. His name is Too-Cool-For-School-Or-For-You. It's kind of long, it's got the number '2' and '4' and just the letter 'R'.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: Mike, I'm going to stop you. Because you have a new lady, ok, and her name is Hollywood, and her legs are spread so wide that there's room for both of us, in there.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: Can we even call this America anymore
Michael: Those low lives. White man stole my land.
Michael: Those low lives. White man stole my land.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: Me and you are running a magic laugh factory that never stops. The lights never shut off.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: All they said was we should consider getting a name actor to play the Michael character and you just lost it.
Michael: "The Michael character." "The Michael character."
Clark: I mean, you could've just humored 'em.
Michael: Okay, well what was you, 'let's bring the Kutch on board.'
Clark: Hey. They brought up Ashton. Not me.
Michael: Yeah well what if I brought up another -- that guy from American Pie. What's that guy? The curly-haired guy.
Clark: I don't know his name. Can we even say names like this? I don't need another lawsuit.
Michael: Oh please, Clark. Jason Biggs. Sue me, you c*cksucker. Earn your first dollar in seven years.
Michael: "The Michael character." "The Michael character."
Clark: I mean, you could've just humored 'em.
Michael: Okay, well what was you, 'let's bring the Kutch on board.'
Clark: Hey. They brought up Ashton. Not me.
Michael: Yeah well what if I brought up another -- that guy from American Pie. What's that guy? The curly-haired guy.
Clark: I don't know his name. Can we even say names like this? I don't need another lawsuit.
Michael: Oh please, Clark. Jason Biggs. Sue me, you c*cksucker. Earn your first dollar in seven years.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: Man, it's boiling in here.
Michael: I know. What is this, Thanksgiving?
Clark: Thanksgiving?
Michael: Kidding.
Clark: What can that mean?
Michael: Eh, you don't get it. I'll let him think about it.
Clark: That's what it is, I don't get it. Who're you texting on there, anyway?
Michael: I was on the internet on my phone. I was looking up Regis Philbin's birthday.
Clark: Well I coulda told you that! It's August 25, 1931!
Michael: Well I'm not a mindreader.
Michael: I know. What is this, Thanksgiving?
Clark: Thanksgiving?
Michael: Kidding.
Clark: What can that mean?
Michael: Eh, you don't get it. I'll let him think about it.
Clark: That's what it is, I don't get it. Who're you texting on there, anyway?
Michael: I was on the internet on my phone. I was looking up Regis Philbin's birthday.
Clark: Well I coulda told you that! It's August 25, 1931!
Michael: Well I'm not a mindreader.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: Michael, I been thinking.
Michael: Okay.
Clark: As you know, we got our big meeting later this week, and I think just for the sake of the show, and our spirituality, and our physicality, we need to join some sort of martial arts class, with a sensei.
Michael: Okay, that's interesting that you said that. Because I agree with you with the conviction of seven Arabian princesses.
Michael: Okay.
Clark: As you know, we got our big meeting later this week, and I think just for the sake of the show, and our spirituality, and our physicality, we need to join some sort of martial arts class, with a sensei.
Michael: Okay, that's interesting that you said that. Because I agree with you with the conviction of seven Arabian princesses.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: Excuse me, sweetheart. Table five, cupcake. We've got a little bet going we were hoping you could settle for us.
Clark: We say that you're the cutest little rabbit that ever hopped her way into these parts.
Michael: And these two a**holes say that you're the foxiest piece of skin that they've ever rubbed up and down with their eyeballs, so which one is more accurate, from your point of view?
Clark: We say that you're the cutest little rabbit that ever hopped her way into these parts.
Michael: And these two a**holes say that you're the foxiest piece of skin that they've ever rubbed up and down with their eyeballs, so which one is more accurate, from your point of view?
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: So, are you guys gonna mail me my black belt? Is it like a werewolf? If I kill her I get a black belt?
Michael: No, it's like a Highlander. A werewolf you kill with a silver bullet.
Clark: Oh, you're right.
Sensei: Come on! Have you ever seen Highlander?
Michael: No, it's like a Highlander. A werewolf you kill with a silver bullet.
Clark: Oh, you're right.
Sensei: Come on! Have you ever seen Highlander?
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: I kinda want some bagel pizzas really bad. That guy made me in a bad mood.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: I mean, why should we make a golden necklace to drape around a neck that nobody watches?
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: Oh, there's my neighbor Amanda! How are the petunias coming in this year, Amanda?... That's Clark!
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Michael: They rested their balls our chins on and brushed our teeth with their dicks!
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: I call her Lazy Susan.
Michael: Ahhh!
Clark: She hates it. She hates it.
Michael: Is she lazy?
Clark: Her eye... her eye is lazy.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: Mike, I'm gonna stop you, because you have a new lady. Okay? And her name is Hollywood. And her legs are spread so wide that there's room for both of us in there.
TV Show: Clark and Michael
Clark: They brought up Ashton, not me.
Michael: Yeah? Well what if I brought up that guy, uh, that guy from American Pie? What's that guy... the curly haired guy.
Clark: I don't know his name.
Clark: [to camera]
Clark: Can we even say names like this? I mean, I don't need another lawsuit right now.
Michael: Oh please, Clark- JASON BIGGS. Sue me, you cocksucker. Earn your first dollar in seven years.
TV Show: Clark and Michael