Columbo Quotes
Lt. Columbo: Where did you first learn how to fly?
Tommy Brown: Lieutenant, I thought you knew my whole life history by now.
Lt. Columbo: Oh no, no. Uh, you know, people think we got all kinds of records on microfilms, all we gotta do is push a button and, uh...
Tommy Brown: Well, don't you?
Lt. Columbo: [pause] Yes, we do. But not everything.
Tommy Brown: Lieutenant, I thought you knew my whole life history by now.
Lt. Columbo: Oh no, no. Uh, you know, people think we got all kinds of records on microfilms, all we gotta do is push a button and, uh...
Tommy Brown: Well, don't you?
Lt. Columbo: [pause] Yes, we do. But not everything.
TV Show: Columbo
Tommy Brown: And I guess this, all this looks kinda bad, huh? This big house and this party goin' on and everything?
Lt. Columbo: No sir, no sir. It's kinda refreshing. You see, in my line of work, homicide, somebody is always, well, dead. That's the only way to put it. I mean they don't even call us in unless that's what it is, somebody dead. So naturally I see a lot of grief.
Lt. Columbo: No sir, no sir. It's kinda refreshing. You see, in my line of work, homicide, somebody is always, well, dead. That's the only way to put it. I mean they don't even call us in unless that's what it is, somebody dead. So naturally I see a lot of grief.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Say, that's delicious. I never tasted chili like that before.
Luke Basket: That's a special recipe made out of squirrel meat. That's good, isn't it?
Lt. Columbo: Um, yeah. That explains it.
Luke Basket: That's a special recipe made out of squirrel meat. That's good, isn't it?
Lt. Columbo: Um, yeah. That explains it.
TV Show: Columbo
Roland Pangborn: You know something, Lieutenant? I could use a man like you on my team. It's really nothing but detective work.
Lt. Columbo: Oh no, thank you very much. You fellas, you have to fly.
Roland Pangborn: Sure. We're all pilots.
Lt. Columbo: Oh no, not for me, thank you very much. I wouldn't qualify for that.
Roland Pangborn: Why? We'd teach you.
Lt. Columbo: I appreciate it, sir. But, uh, my ears pop in an elevator. As a matter of fact, I don't even like being this tall.
Lt. Columbo: Oh no, thank you very much. You fellas, you have to fly.
Roland Pangborn: Sure. We're all pilots.
Lt. Columbo: Oh no, not for me, thank you very much. I wouldn't qualify for that.
Roland Pangborn: Why? We'd teach you.
Lt. Columbo: I appreciate it, sir. But, uh, my ears pop in an elevator. As a matter of fact, I don't even like being this tall.
TV Show: Columbo
Tommy Brown: You're a sanctimonious hypocrite of a Bible-spouting blackmailer and I've given you your last chance to be fair!
TV Show: Columbo
Edna Brown: May God forgive me for letting a devil help me build a temple.
Tommy Brown: And what if your devil quits. What are you gonna do?
Tommy Brown: And what if your devil quits. What are you gonna do?
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Commissioner Halperin says he found those jewels under your mattress.
Artie Jessup: That's crazy.
Mark Halperin: You're a liar!
Artie Jessup: Hey, I don't even live here!
Mark Halperin: What?!?
Lt. Columbo: I can verify that, sir. He doesn't live here. I live here.
Artie Jessup: That's crazy.
Mark Halperin: You're a liar!
Artie Jessup: Hey, I don't even live here!
Mark Halperin: What?!?
Lt. Columbo: I can verify that, sir. He doesn't live here. I live here.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Commissioner, I believe you killed your wife. And I believe you either killed Janice Caldwell or you're covering up for it.
Mark Halperin: You just lost your badge, my friend.
Mark Halperin: You just lost your badge, my friend.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You must have a lot of those, sir.
Mark Halperin: What?
Lt. Columbo: Gut feelings.
Mark Halperin: What are you talking about?
Lt. Columbo: Well, you had a gut feeling last night.
Mark Halperin: I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean, last night?
Lt. Columbo: When you asked for me to report to the Caldwell house.
Mark Halperin: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: I found out you asked for me when you first called in.
Mark Halperin: I did.
Lt. Columbo: What I mean, sir, is that the burglar had never harmed anybody before. Yet from your bedroom window when you called in, you asked for me. I was just trying to figure out how you knew the woman was already dead.
Mark Halperin: What?
Lt. Columbo: Gut feelings.
Mark Halperin: What are you talking about?
Lt. Columbo: Well, you had a gut feeling last night.
Mark Halperin: I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean, last night?
Lt. Columbo: When you asked for me to report to the Caldwell house.
Mark Halperin: Yes.
Lt. Columbo: I found out you asked for me when you first called in.
Mark Halperin: I did.
Lt. Columbo: What I mean, sir, is that the burglar had never harmed anybody before. Yet from your bedroom window when you called in, you asked for me. I was just trying to figure out how you knew the woman was already dead.
TV Show: Columbo
[Columbo is running on the treadmill]
Milo Janus: What's he doing here?
Buddy Castle: Well, you know that introductory thirty day offer we've been pushing on television?
Milo Janus: Yeah.
Buddy Castle: That's what he's doing here.
Lt. Columbo: Mr. Janus, how you doin'! Listen, I gotta tell you, this is terrific! I'm starting to feel like a new man already.
Milo Janus: Fine, fine Columbo.
Lt. Columbo: Of course, you know, I've only been on for about 20 minutes.
Milo Janus: What's he doing here?
Buddy Castle: Well, you know that introductory thirty day offer we've been pushing on television?
Milo Janus: Yeah.
Buddy Castle: That's what he's doing here.
Lt. Columbo: Mr. Janus, how you doin'! Listen, I gotta tell you, this is terrific! I'm starting to feel like a new man already.
Milo Janus: Fine, fine Columbo.
Lt. Columbo: Of course, you know, I've only been on for about 20 minutes.
TV Show: Columbo
Milo Janus: [after watching Columbo light his cigar] Your health program didn't last very long, did it?
Lt. Columbo: Long enough.
Milo Janus: You know something, Columbo, you're a devious man.
Lt. Columbo: That's what they tell me.
Lt. Columbo: Long enough.
Milo Janus: You know something, Columbo, you're a devious man.
Lt. Columbo: That's what they tell me.
TV Show: Columbo
Milo Janus: I don't care what you think. I don't care what you suspect. I don't care what visions you see when you look at your cigar ashes because I'm innocent. I have an alibi for the time Gene Stafford died and you can huff and puff on that rotten cigar until next July and you'll never prove otherwise.
Lt. Columbo: I wouldn't count on that.
Lt. Columbo: I wouldn't count on that.
TV Show: Columbo
Milo Janus: What the hell gives you the right, Columbo?
Lt. Columbo: This, sir. This is a warrant. This gives me the right.
Lt. Columbo: This, sir. This is a warrant. This gives me the right.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You removed the bulb on the phone in the living room so the line wouldn't light up because if 6901 lit up the people there would know that you were talking from the phone in the study.
Milo Janus: Guesswork, supposition, more cigar ashes. What you need is proof. That what you need-- proof.
Lt. Columbo: It didn't take me 'til July, but I got the proof.
Milo Janus: Guesswork, supposition, more cigar ashes. What you need is proof. That what you need-- proof.
Lt. Columbo: It didn't take me 'til July, but I got the proof.
TV Show: Columbo
Milo Janus: In two months, I'll be at my villa overlooking the Adriatic with two million in Swiss francs to keep me warm.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You tried to contrive the perfect alibi, sir. And it's your perfect alibi that's gonna hang you.
TV Show: Columbo
[Columbo enters a mission looking for a witness]
Nun: You're hungry and tired, I can see that.
Lt. Columbo: Uh, well, the fact is, I didn't sleep last night and I'm plenty tired.
Nun: Oh, I am sorry. Would you wait here? [calling behind her] George, would you bring a tray? [turning back to Columbo] Won't you join us, Brother?
Lt. Columbo: Join you for what?
Nun: Come. I haven't seen you before, have I?
Lt. Columbo: No, ma'am, no.
Nun: Oh, that coat, that coat, that coat. Oh, I'm sure that we can find something nicer for you in the other room.
Nun: You're hungry and tired, I can see that.
Lt. Columbo: Uh, well, the fact is, I didn't sleep last night and I'm plenty tired.
Nun: Oh, I am sorry. Would you wait here? [calling behind her] George, would you bring a tray? [turning back to Columbo] Won't you join us, Brother?
Lt. Columbo: Join you for what?
Nun: Come. I haven't seen you before, have I?
Lt. Columbo: No, ma'am, no.
Nun: Oh, that coat, that coat, that coat. Oh, I'm sure that we can find something nicer for you in the other room.
TV Show: Columbo
Nun: I found exactly the right thing. It's warm. And look! It's hardly been used at all! Now, you stand up and we'll try it on.
Lt. Columbo: You know, I appreciate what you're doing. I really do. But I've had this coat for seven years.
Nun: Oh, you poor man.
Wino: Don't be ashamed.
Lt. Columbo: No, I'm very fond of it.
Lt. Columbo: You know, I appreciate what you're doing. I really do. But I've had this coat for seven years.
Nun: Oh, you poor man.
Wino: Don't be ashamed.
Lt. Columbo: No, I'm very fond of it.
TV Show: Columbo
[After Galesco explains that his dog is depressed since the dog next door has moved away]
Lt. Columbo: Oh, uh, I don't suppose you have a picture of a cocker spaniel around, do ya?
Galesco: A picture?
Lt. Columbo: You know, I mean, maybe I could tack up some kind of a picture. You know, something he could look at, kind of like a pin-up?
Galesco: [annoyed] No, really, Lieutenant...
Lt. Columbo: No, no, that's a terrible idea. I mean the dog is dumb but he won't fall for that. I mean the dog would know it wasn't her, right? Forget I mentioned it.
Galesco: I will, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Oh, uh, I don't suppose you have a picture of a cocker spaniel around, do ya?
Galesco: A picture?
Lt. Columbo: You know, I mean, maybe I could tack up some kind of a picture. You know, something he could look at, kind of like a pin-up?
Galesco: [annoyed] No, really, Lieutenant...
Lt. Columbo: No, no, that's a terrible idea. I mean the dog is dumb but he won't fall for that. I mean the dog would know it wasn't her, right? Forget I mentioned it.
Galesco: I will, Lieutenant.
TV Show: Columbo
Galesco: Look at the negative in the back of the camera, Lieutenant. It proves I'm right.
Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
Sergeant: Yes, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
1st Policeman: Yes, sir.
Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
2nd Policeman: Yes, I am, sir.
Galesco: Witness to what?
Sergeant: You just incriminated yourself, sir. You identified the camera.
Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
Sergeant: Yes, Lieutenant.
Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
1st Policeman: Yes, sir.
Lt. Columbo: Were you a witness to what he just did?
2nd Policeman: Yes, I am, sir.
Galesco: Witness to what?
Sergeant: You just incriminated yourself, sir. You identified the camera.
TV Show: Columbo
Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: Geometry is logic and logic is the battlefield of adulthood.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: Boys will be boys.
Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: Boys will be boys, Lieutenant, but somebody's gotta turn them into men.
Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: Boys will be boys, Lieutenant, but somebody's gotta turn them into men.
TV Show: Columbo
Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: This country is going to have the best damn army in the world!
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: You have to forgive me, it's not me, it's my mind, it's very slow, and I have to pin everything down.
Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: Don't expect me to be contrite, Lieutenant. It had to be done, and I'd do it again by tomorrow.
Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: Don't expect me to be contrite, Lieutenant. It had to be done, and I'd do it again by tomorrow.
TV Show: Columbo
Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: Do you have a first name?
Lt. Columbo: I do, my wife is the only one that uses it.
Lt. Columbo: I do, my wife is the only one that uses it.
TV Show: Columbo
Colonel Lyle C. Rumford: [to Columbo] We both have similar jobs. I wear a uniform. [glancing at Columbo's disheveled appearance] You wear...well, I suppose you could call that a uniform.
TV Show: Columbo
Purser Watkins: Lieutenant Columbo, the captain would like to see you.
Lt. Columbo: The captain, to see me? It's not about my wife, is it? I mean... she likes to have a good time, sometimes she gets carried away...
Purser Watkins: It's not about your wife, sir
Lt. Columbo: The captain, to see me? It's not about my wife, is it? I mean... she likes to have a good time, sometimes she gets carried away...
Purser Watkins: It's not about your wife, sir
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [seasick] The same thing happened to me last year. Me and my wife were at this motel with a water bed. I thought I was gonna die.
TV Show: Columbo
Lt. Columbo: [pointing to surgical gloves] Doctor, do you know how many of these you have on board?
Doctor Frank Pierce: No, not off hand.
Doctor Frank Pierce: No, not off hand.
TV Show: Columbo