Coupling Quotes
Jeff: [Jeff is wearing a leather mask] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewellery.
Steve: You what?
Jeff: There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item.
Steve: Right?
Jeff: Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewellery...
Steve: No, no, Jeff please. "Normally"... has never been used in the sentence before.
Jeff: Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover.
Steve: OK.
Jeff: Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take its course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewellery box.
Steve: I see.
Steve: You what?
Jeff: There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item.
Steve: Right?
Jeff: Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewellery...
Steve: No, no, Jeff please. "Normally"... has never been used in the sentence before.
Jeff: Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover.
Steve: OK.
Jeff: Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take its course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewellery box.
Steve: I see.
TV Show: Coupling
Susan: Jane's breasts scare me. They're like Mickey Mouse's ears. No matter which way you turn, they're still facing you.
TV Show: Coupling
Jeff: Sally could be a lesbian! ...It could happen! She could be having a shower maybe. and probably Jane would be there. And she might happen to say, "Jane, could you help me soap my breasts?" "Your breasts, Sally?" "Yes, Jane, it's those tricky undersides." "Oh, I know what you mean, Sally, breasts can be a real dirt-trap."
TV Show: Coupling
[Susan has removed the lock from the bathroom door, and doesn't understand why Steve is so upset about it]
Susan: Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about?
Steve: [slams hand down] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes on. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about... really, really boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, what in the name of God's arse is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this... fortress of solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgement. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone.
[pause]
Susan: Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear?
Steve: Would you mind?
Susan: You should have asked.
Susan: Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about?
Steve: [slams hand down] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes on. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about... really, really boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, what in the name of God's arse is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this... fortress of solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgement. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone.
[pause]
Susan: Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear?
Steve: Would you mind?
Susan: You should have asked.
TV Show: Coupling
[Jeff solves the toilet door problem by using a wedge to keep the door shut]
Jeff: Area secure, 007.
Jeff: Area secure, 007.
TV Show: Coupling
Susan: Have you phoned Sally yet?
Patrick: No.
Susan: Well phone her soon, Patrick. Or, no offence, I'll rip your throat out.
Patrick: No.
Susan: Well phone her soon, Patrick. Or, no offence, I'll rip your throat out.
TV Show: Coupling
Patrick: Sally, you need someone good enough for you. You don't want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs. You want somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, the way I want you to be loved. Sally, you need someone who will love you forever, properly. You're my friend, Sally. I want to see you with the best. You need Mr. Amazing, Mr. Incredibly-Superbly-Fantastic...ness. In your heart, I'm sure you know I'm right.
Sally: I don't want Mr. Superbly-Incredibly-Fantasticness, you stupid, stupid arse. I want you.
Patrick: For God's sakes, Sally.
Sally: What? What?!
Patrick: I was talking about me!
Sally: I'm sor— You're Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Whatever?
Patrick: [gesturing to self] Well, yes!
Sally: I don't want Mr. Superbly-Incredibly-Fantasticness, you stupid, stupid arse. I want you.
Patrick: For God's sakes, Sally.
Sally: What? What?!
Patrick: I was talking about me!
Sally: I'm sor— You're Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Whatever?
Patrick: [gesturing to self] Well, yes!
TV Show: Coupling
Susan: [after announcing her pregnancy] Time's up, Steve. I think it's time for someone else to be a child.
TV Show: Coupling
[Oliver approaches Susan who is holding a breast pump]
Oliver: Is that yours?
Susan: Yes.
Oliver: Is it specially adapted for really tiny puppies?
Susan: Piss off.
Oliver: Is that yours?
Susan: Yes.
Oliver: Is it specially adapted for really tiny puppies?
Susan: Piss off.
TV Show: Coupling
Sally: Look, when I said have a baby... I didn't mean, I just meant... socially!
Patrick: Socially?
Sally: To tea.
Patrick: Babies can't come round to tea, Sally. They're rubbish.
Susan: Don't say that!
Steve: Hormones!
Susan: Bollocks!
Patrick: Doesn't this all seem a little early?
Sally: Of course it's early, it's far too early! I don't want a baby yet! You gotta get a cat first, see if you're maternal.
Steve: You've already got a cat.
Sally: Well, I'll shave it! See if I still like it!
Patrick: Socially?
Sally: To tea.
Patrick: Babies can't come round to tea, Sally. They're rubbish.
Susan: Don't say that!
Steve: Hormones!
Susan: Bollocks!
Patrick: Doesn't this all seem a little early?
Sally: Of course it's early, it's far too early! I don't want a baby yet! You gotta get a cat first, see if you're maternal.
Steve: You've already got a cat.
Sally: Well, I'll shave it! See if I still like it!
TV Show: Coupling
Steve: You went out and pulled a pregnant woman. What were you thinking?
Patrick: Oh, you know, "there's a nice, compact pregnancy, let's take it out for a spin."
Sally: She had a baby inside her, you insane filth!
Patrick: Oh, you know, "there's a nice, compact pregnancy, let's take it out for a spin."
Sally: She had a baby inside her, you insane filth!
TV Show: Coupling
Steve: Jane, could you stop doing this? Could you stop just wandering through my front door? Because this is not, repeat not, an American sitcom!
TV Show: Coupling
Oliver: Do you know how long it's been since I've had sex?
Patrick: Two years.
Oliver: [a little affronted] Seven months.
Patrick: Two years.
Oliver: [a little affronted] Seven months.
TV Show: Coupling
Steve: Bed thieves are operating in your area. Secure all doors and windows and make a large pile of raggy dolls in the centre of your duvet.
TV Show: Coupling
[Steve, Patrick, and Oliver are at an ante-natal class]
Steve: Right, the question of pain relief.
Patrick: Yes
Oliver: Absolutely.
Steve: Sorted.
Oliver: So how are we supposed to pad this out?
Steve: [Looks over at Susan] I suppose we could discuss the diferent methods.
Patrick: Drugs.
Oliver: Yeah, drugs.
Steve: Sorted.
Steve: Right, the question of pain relief.
Patrick: Yes
Oliver: Absolutely.
Steve: Sorted.
Oliver: So how are we supposed to pad this out?
Steve: [Looks over at Susan] I suppose we could discuss the diferent methods.
Patrick: Drugs.
Oliver: Yeah, drugs.
Steve: Sorted.
TV Show: Coupling
Jane: Actually I prefer videos.
Oliver: What?
Jane: I prefer porn in video form, it's more realistic. Do you have any of those?
Oliver: What?
Jane: I prefer porn in video form, it's more realistic. Do you have any of those?
TV Show: Coupling
Patrick: Sometimes a man is faced with the right thing to do and the wrong thing to do. And he only misses by one.
TV Show: Coupling
Sally: Did you sleep with Jane?
Patrick: All right, before I say anything that might inadvertently seem to confirm or deny that fact, yes I did. [quickly realising what he has just said] Damn it!
Patrick: All right, before I say anything that might inadvertently seem to confirm or deny that fact, yes I did. [quickly realising what he has just said] Damn it!
TV Show: Coupling
Susan: [trying to encourage Oliver to sleeping with Jane] Just look at her. She's a beautiful, sexy woman and she's never had an orgasm. Well there's your challenge, your Everest.
Steve: What are you waiting for, Oliver? Mount Jane! [realises what he said] That wasn't actually meant to sound like instruction...
Steve: What are you waiting for, Oliver? Mount Jane! [realises what he said] That wasn't actually meant to sound like instruction...
TV Show: Coupling
[Angus, staring at Mariella, opens a can of soda, which sprays all over Mariella]
Angus Deayton: Sorry about that.
Mariella Frostrup: Oh, don't worry about it. It happens to a lot of guys. [beat]
Mariella Frostrup: Did I really just say that?
Angus Deayton: Sorry about that.
Mariella Frostrup: Oh, don't worry about it. It happens to a lot of guys. [beat]
Mariella Frostrup: Did I really just say that?
TV Show: Coupling
[Oliver gets out of the elevator, and decides to check himself out in the mirror. The sweater he is wearing to cover his nipples says "Bring Back Doctor Who."]
Oliver Morris: Shit! [Oliver takes the sweater off and throws it in the elevator. He touches his chest, and realises he's half naked. He tries to open the lift doors without success. Behind him, the door opens. He looks around, covering his nipples]
Jane: Hello, Oliver.
Oliver Morris: Hello, Jane.
Jane: Well, you found the place all right, then.
Oliver Morris: [trying to sound macho] Yeah. No problem. Cool. [pause]
Jane: Oliver.
Oliver Morris: Yes, Jane? [pause]
Jane: Is there something you want to tell me? [pause]
Oliver Morris: I have miniature erections.
Oliver Morris: Shit! [Oliver takes the sweater off and throws it in the elevator. He touches his chest, and realises he's half naked. He tries to open the lift doors without success. Behind him, the door opens. He looks around, covering his nipples]
Jane: Hello, Oliver.
Oliver Morris: Hello, Jane.
Jane: Well, you found the place all right, then.
Oliver Morris: [trying to sound macho] Yeah. No problem. Cool. [pause]
Jane: Oliver.
Oliver Morris: Yes, Jane? [pause]
Jane: Is there something you want to tell me? [pause]
Oliver Morris: I have miniature erections.
TV Show: Coupling
[Susan is about to show the others one of her breasts]
Susan: Well? Which one do you want? The left one or the right one?
Patrick: The right one. [to others]
Patrick: Trust me.
Susan: Why? What's wrong with the left one?
Patrick: Now, don't be like that. There has to be a second place.
Susan: Well, I wasn't aware you were judging them individually!
Patrick: You were asleep! I was bored!
Susan: Well? Which one do you want? The left one or the right one?
Patrick: The right one. [to others]
Patrick: Trust me.
Susan: Why? What's wrong with the left one?
Patrick: Now, don't be like that. There has to be a second place.
Susan: Well, I wasn't aware you were judging them individually!
Patrick: You were asleep! I was bored!
TV Show: Coupling
[Talking to Jane and Susan]
Sally: At least you've been in there with Patrick. I've passed on my opportunity to be "Patricked."
Sally: At least you've been in there with Patrick. I've passed on my opportunity to be "Patricked."
TV Show: Coupling
Susan: Some men were born lucky. Some men were born very lucky.
Sally: What was Patrick born?
Susan: A tripod.
TV Show: Coupling
Susan: Well, you know what it's like at the start, when they're all fiery-eyed, and eager, and they haven't seen you naked yet. And it's like he's smashing at your door with his mighty battering ram. And he's promising to ravish you forever. So you brace yourself for man overload, and throw open the doors, and what do you find standing there? An oversized toddler who wants his dinner. And before you can say, "There's been a terrible mistake," he's snoring on your sofa, the fridge is full of empty bottles and the whole place smells of feet.
TV Show: Coupling
Jane: Do they really call me the one with the breasts?
Susan: Yes.
Jane: Then what do they call you?
Susan: Susan.
TV Show: Coupling