CSI - Crime Scene Investigation Quotes
Sara: [sees two pill bottles] Daniel Perez is taking oxycodone for pain, and Alicia was on diazepam.
Warrick: Diazepam? That's a pretty hard-core antidepressant for a kid that small.
Sara: I guess they didn't want her complaining while they were mining her body for healthy cells.
Warrick: Diazepam? That's a pretty hard-core antidepressant for a kid that small.
Sara: I guess they didn't want her complaining while they were mining her body for healthy cells.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Brass: [to Carlos Perez] Wasn't Alicia part of your family? You're her father, you dumb bastard! You're supposed to protect her. What kind of man are you?
Carlos Perez: Guilty.
Carlos Perez: Guilty.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Doc Robbins: I found ten cc's of urine in her stomach. Digestive system is intact and I found no bruises or abrasions in her mouth. So there's only one way it could've gotten there.
Catherine: Chug-a-lug.
Catherine: Chug-a-lug.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Mia: Nine vibrators, five plugs and four strands of beads.
Greg: And a partidge in a pear tree. Some kids are happy playing in the sandbox, others want every toy in the store. And apparently these are dishwasher safe.
Mia: I'll swab the nooks and crannies for semen and vaginal secretions and epthelials, but don't get your hopes up.
Greg: Oh, my money's on bag number two.
Mia: Twenty-six used condoms.
Greg: Just like being back in college, right?
Mia: Sara said you didn't lose your virginity until you were twenty-two.
Greg[Ignoring her]: Grissom and I figured that they practiced safe sex so we checked their trash. Check them inside and out, please.
Mia: I've analyzed condoms before, Greg. Just not in bulk.
Greg: And a partidge in a pear tree. Some kids are happy playing in the sandbox, others want every toy in the store. And apparently these are dishwasher safe.
Mia: I'll swab the nooks and crannies for semen and vaginal secretions and epthelials, but don't get your hopes up.
Greg: Oh, my money's on bag number two.
Mia: Twenty-six used condoms.
Greg: Just like being back in college, right?
Mia: Sara said you didn't lose your virginity until you were twenty-two.
Greg[Ignoring her]: Grissom and I figured that they practiced safe sex so we checked their trash. Check them inside and out, please.
Mia: I've analyzed condoms before, Greg. Just not in bulk.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Warrick: Griss, this place is crawling with press. They want a statement.
Grissom: Not now.
Warrick: Well, if you don't say anything, they're just going to fill in the blanks...
Grissom: Screw the press, 'cause for all I know, the dead body is an auto mechanic who just painted his house blue.
Grissom: Not now.
Warrick: Well, if you don't say anything, they're just going to fill in the blanks...
Grissom: Screw the press, 'cause for all I know, the dead body is an auto mechanic who just painted his house blue.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Catherine: I thought you were going to process the scene with Grissom.
Nick: I was. He said he had it covered. Sofia Curtis is up there with him.
Catherine: Right... Ecklie's right hand.
Nick: Hmm?
Catherine: Ever do a case with her?
Nick: Uh-uh. Hey, I heard Grissom stuck you with his speech.
Catherine: A napkin is not a speech.
Nick: I was. He said he had it covered. Sofia Curtis is up there with him.
Catherine: Right... Ecklie's right hand.
Nick: Hmm?
Catherine: Ever do a case with her?
Nick: Uh-uh. Hey, I heard Grissom stuck you with his speech.
Catherine: A napkin is not a speech.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: I thought you'd want to know what happened to Wendy.
Mimosa: I appreciate your telling me. Killed by someone in our own community. As if we don't have enough enemies. Her parents never understood her, but still I think they should know. What do I say?
Grissom: Show them an oyster.
Mimosa: I'm sorry?
Grissom: There are two types of male oysters, and one of them can change genders at will. And before man crawled out of the muck, maybe he had the same option. Maybe originally we were supposed to be able to switch genders, and being born with just one sex... is a mutation.
Mimosa: I appreciate your telling me. Killed by someone in our own community. As if we don't have enough enemies. Her parents never understood her, but still I think they should know. What do I say?
Grissom: Show them an oyster.
Mimosa: I'm sorry?
Grissom: There are two types of male oysters, and one of them can change genders at will. And before man crawled out of the muck, maybe he had the same option. Maybe originally we were supposed to be able to switch genders, and being born with just one sex... is a mutation.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Catherine: Are you doing all this for the sake of the lab or to indict Grissom?
Ecklie: Catherine, there a number of talented CSIs, like yourself, who have put in to be supervisors. I just want to make sure the right people are in the right place.
Catherine: About my request, I really would like to supervise days.
Ecklie: Right. You're a single mother. Better hours. And I bet you could use the extra cash.
Catherine: No, this promotion isn't about money.
Ecklie: Must be nice to be independently wealthy.
Catherine: We're done here, right?
Ecklie: Yeah.
Ecklie: Catherine, there a number of talented CSIs, like yourself, who have put in to be supervisors. I just want to make sure the right people are in the right place.
Catherine: About my request, I really would like to supervise days.
Ecklie: Right. You're a single mother. Better hours. And I bet you could use the extra cash.
Catherine: No, this promotion isn't about money.
Ecklie: Must be nice to be independently wealthy.
Catherine: We're done here, right?
Ecklie: Yeah.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Catherine: Taking your pet for a walk?
Grissom: I know how much you like my little fetal pig, so I'm giving him to you as an office-warming gift.
Catherine: That is so thoughtful. Now tell me why you really stopped by. You checking up on me?
Grissom: No.
Catherine: What've you heard? Who talked to you?
Grissom: See? You've only been on the job a week and you're already paranoid.
Catherine: [laughs] When I was your right hand and your left, I always knew if it hit the fan, you'd be the one to get dirty.
Grissom: Hey, that's the job.
Catherine: Yeah, that's the job. Did you ever play politics?
Grissom: I once ran for president of science club in junior high. Mary Hardy beat me out by one vote.
Catherine: I'm going to guess that you didn't vote for yourself.
Grissom: I'm not any good at politics. It cost me, that's how I lost Nick and Warrick.
Catherine: Your loss, my gain.
Grissom: Yeah, and at least I know that they're in good hands.
Grissom: I know how much you like my little fetal pig, so I'm giving him to you as an office-warming gift.
Catherine: That is so thoughtful. Now tell me why you really stopped by. You checking up on me?
Grissom: No.
Catherine: What've you heard? Who talked to you?
Grissom: See? You've only been on the job a week and you're already paranoid.
Catherine: [laughs] When I was your right hand and your left, I always knew if it hit the fan, you'd be the one to get dirty.
Grissom: Hey, that's the job.
Catherine: Yeah, that's the job. Did you ever play politics?
Grissom: I once ran for president of science club in junior high. Mary Hardy beat me out by one vote.
Catherine: I'm going to guess that you didn't vote for yourself.
Grissom: I'm not any good at politics. It cost me, that's how I lost Nick and Warrick.
Catherine: Your loss, my gain.
Grissom: Yeah, and at least I know that they're in good hands.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: Deerstalker cap, violin, Meerschaum pipe, even a Persian slipper with tobacco stuffed in the toe, I imagine. All in all, meticulous recreation of 221-B Baker Street: residence of the world's greatest detective, Sherlock Holmes.
Brass: Also known as Dennis Kingsley, delivery guy. What do you think?
Grissom: Ask Greg. It's his case. It's his final proficiency test. Emphasis in the "final".
Brass: Okay, Dr. Watson, run it.
Brass: Also known as Dennis Kingsley, delivery guy. What do you think?
Grissom: Ask Greg. It's his case. It's his final proficiency test. Emphasis in the "final".
Brass: Okay, Dr. Watson, run it.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Sherlock Holmes Man: So you actually think this is something other than suicide?
Brass: You know, I think you gotta drop the accent!
Sherlock Holmes Man: I can't! I'm English!
Brass: Oh!
Brass: You know, I think you gotta drop the accent!
Sherlock Holmes Man: I can't! I'm English!
Brass: Oh!
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
[looking at a university degree on the deceased's wall]
Catherine: Gang-banger girlfriend with a degree?
Nick: Sounds like a rock band.
Catherine: Gang-banger girlfriend with a degree?
Nick: Sounds like a rock band.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
[Greg is wearing a suit and tie and attempting to flatten out his hair for court]
Sara: Wow. Look at you, Mr. straightedge. I did not know that your hair could do that.
Greg: I look like a dork.
Sara: No, no, no. You look like a pro, which is what you are.
Sara: Wow. Look at you, Mr. straightedge. I did not know that your hair could do that.
Greg: I look like a dork.
Sara: No, no, no. You look like a pro, which is what you are.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Greg: Brass subpoenaed Eiger's home phone calls in the last year.
Ecklie: Yeah, anything interesting?
Greg: Numerous calls from Eiger's house to Sy Magli's office.
Ecklie: Well, they were known business rivals.
Greg: Between midnight and 4 a.m., what I like to call: "Love Hours".
Grissom: Wouldn't be the first time that hate mutated into passion.
Greg: Public enemies, private lovers. So Jackie Collins.
Ecklie: Yeah, anything interesting?
Greg: Numerous calls from Eiger's house to Sy Magli's office.
Ecklie: Well, they were known business rivals.
Greg: Between midnight and 4 a.m., what I like to call: "Love Hours".
Grissom: Wouldn't be the first time that hate mutated into passion.
Greg: Public enemies, private lovers. So Jackie Collins.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Greg: That means she slept with a dead guy. She's not only a killer she's a necrophiliac. That's what I call enjoying your work.
[They review the tape some more]
Sara: She's trashed. Maybe she passed out.
Greg: How drunk do you have to be to sleep next to a decomposing body? The smell alone is an alarm clock.
Sara: Not next to him, on top of him.
[They review the tape some more]
Sara: She's trashed. Maybe she passed out.
Greg: How drunk do you have to be to sleep next to a decomposing body? The smell alone is an alarm clock.
Sara: Not next to him, on top of him.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
[About a wad of hair found in a drain. Hodges thinks it smells woodsy]
Grissom: You sniffed it?
Hodges: That disgust you?
Grissom: No. Actually it's the first thing you've ever done to impress me.
Grissom: You sniffed it?
Hodges: That disgust you?
Grissom: No. Actually it's the first thing you've ever done to impress me.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Sofia: What's the problem?
Greg: Nothing. I'm fine.
Sofia: You're not.
Greg: I feel like a wuss. Grissom told me I should take a break, and I did.
Sofia: Your burn victim.
Greg: [nods] How do you get an image like that out of your mind?
Sofia: You go home. You, uh... hug your cat, your dog, your pillow. You have a beer, you watch a movie, and then you come back tomorrow.
Greg: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Sofia: Rumor has it you used to be a pretty funny guy. Don't lose that.
Greg: Nothing. I'm fine.
Sofia: You're not.
Greg: I feel like a wuss. Grissom told me I should take a break, and I did.
Sofia: Your burn victim.
Greg: [nods] How do you get an image like that out of your mind?
Sofia: You go home. You, uh... hug your cat, your dog, your pillow. You have a beer, you watch a movie, and then you come back tomorrow.
Greg: Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Sofia: Rumor has it you used to be a pretty funny guy. Don't lose that.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Hodges: How old were you when you first got drunk?
Nick: Oh, 16.. 17..
Hodges: Amortized over a generation, 12's about right?
Nick: So you're saying two generations from now, four-year-olds are just gonna be getting trashed?
Hodges: Pre-school graduation parties are going to be off the hook.
Nick: Oh, 16.. 17..
Hodges: Amortized over a generation, 12's about right?
Nick: So you're saying two generations from now, four-year-olds are just gonna be getting trashed?
Hodges: Pre-school graduation parties are going to be off the hook.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Brass: Let me get this straight, Larry. An old man refuses to let you steal his money, so you jack a Hummer and try to run over his taco stand?
Larry: [Embarrassed] Maybe.
Grissom: I think this is the dumbest thing we've ever heard.
Larry: [Embarrassed] Maybe.
Grissom: I think this is the dumbest thing we've ever heard.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Annie: L.A. over 200 criminalists and you gotta bring your own guy in?
Brass: Well, Rick is like a vampire, he needs to be invited in.
Annie: If this goes to court, Warrick's going to have to come back and testify.
Warrick: Well, you got beaches, bikinis. Free trip to L.A. ? I'm down.
Brass: Well, Rick is like a vampire, he needs to be invited in.
Annie: If this goes to court, Warrick's going to have to come back and testify.
Warrick: Well, you got beaches, bikinis. Free trip to L.A. ? I'm down.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: Jail or no jail, she won't last six months. She'll die without her son.
Sara: That would be better for both of them.
Sara: That would be better for both of them.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who walk into a bar?
Catherine: I'm not in the mood.
Grissom: Neither was the monkey.
Catherine: I'm not in the mood.
Grissom: Neither was the monkey.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: And this must be Mr. Billmeyer. I'm so glad he's back.
Ecklie: Very funny.
Grissom: You might want to have Hodges analyze that cigar. Oh, and the print tech is free. He could, uh, spray the party hat with ninhydrin.
Ecklie: I think I remember how to do my job, Gil, thank you.
Grissom: I love it when you wear your gloves.
Ecklie: Very funny.
Grissom: You might want to have Hodges analyze that cigar. Oh, and the print tech is free. He could, uh, spray the party hat with ninhydrin.
Ecklie: I think I remember how to do my job, Gil, thank you.
Grissom: I love it when you wear your gloves.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Nick: What's going on out here?
Police officer: Well, an anonymous 911 caller reported body parts in this area. I rolled, and found this. [Shines flashlight on a pile of intestines]
Nick: Mmm, tasty.
Police officer: Well, an anonymous 911 caller reported body parts in this area. I rolled, and found this. [Shines flashlight on a pile of intestines]
Nick: Mmm, tasty.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Walter Gordon: You know, I was under the impression that it was against departmental policy to negotiate with terrorists.
Grissom: Are you a terrorist?
Walter Gordon: Depends. [Shines flashlight in Grissom's face] Are you terrified?
Grissom: Look, I really don't want to talk to you. Where is my guy?
Walter Gordon: Oh, so he's "your guy", huh?
Grissom: Yes, he is. Where is he buried?
Walter Gordon: Are you two close?
Grissom: That's none of your business.
Walter Gordon: What does "Nick Stokes" mean to you? How do you feel when you see him in that coffin? Does your soul die every time you push that button? How do you feel knowing that there's nothing you can do to get him out of that hell? Helpless? Useless? Impotent?
[Grissom is silent]
Walter Gordon: Good. Welcome to my world. [Opens jacket, revealing Semtex strapped around him] Uh, if I were you, I'd back up a little.
[Grissom takes a step back]
[Gordon blows himself up]
Grissom: Are you a terrorist?
Walter Gordon: Depends. [Shines flashlight in Grissom's face] Are you terrified?
Grissom: Look, I really don't want to talk to you. Where is my guy?
Walter Gordon: Oh, so he's "your guy", huh?
Grissom: Yes, he is. Where is he buried?
Walter Gordon: Are you two close?
Grissom: That's none of your business.
Walter Gordon: What does "Nick Stokes" mean to you? How do you feel when you see him in that coffin? Does your soul die every time you push that button? How do you feel knowing that there's nothing you can do to get him out of that hell? Helpless? Useless? Impotent?
[Grissom is silent]
Walter Gordon: Good. Welcome to my world. [Opens jacket, revealing Semtex strapped around him] Uh, if I were you, I'd back up a little.
[Grissom takes a step back]
[Gordon blows himself up]
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Brass: Let me tell you my story. Once upon a time, you follow your husband to a trailer park. You see him slumming with his little trailer bunny. You waited for him to come out...
[Flashback to, trailer door opens, Robert Durgee steps out. Amber sits in her car watching him. He lights his cigarette, suddenly car lights glare at him and tires screech as the car surges toward him]
Brass: When she pulls the body back in, before she can call for help, you torch the place. Kaboom. The end.
Amber Durgee: That's the craziest thing I've ever heard
Brass[laughs]: Wouldn't even make my top ten.
[Flashback to, trailer door opens, Robert Durgee steps out. Amber sits in her car watching him. He lights his cigarette, suddenly car lights glare at him and tires screech as the car surges toward him]
Brass: When she pulls the body back in, before she can call for help, you torch the place. Kaboom. The end.
Amber Durgee: That's the craziest thing I've ever heard
Brass[laughs]: Wouldn't even make my top ten.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Sofia: Your broadcast was for a blue Pontiac. Patrol figured this was worth a look.
Grissom: How bad does a smell have to get before Parking Control calls Homicide?
Sara: No way this car was at the trailer park. Think we've got a new case. First citation was issued five days ago. Car's probably been here at least six. [Sofia pops the trunk. Inside are the liquefied remains of two bodies] Six days in the summer heat.
Grissom: And a trunk becomes a crockpot.
Grissom: How bad does a smell have to get before Parking Control calls Homicide?
Sara: No way this car was at the trailer park. Think we've got a new case. First citation was issued five days ago. Car's probably been here at least six. [Sofia pops the trunk. Inside are the liquefied remains of two bodies] Six days in the summer heat.
Grissom: And a trunk becomes a crockpot.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Nick: Are you baggin' Z's right now, man?
Hodges: I was just having the greatest dream.
Warrick: You were out.
Hodges: It was the 80's and I had this Don Johnson beard, you know, the Miami Vice stubble. It just gave me this air of danger. My lady loved it.
Hodges: I was just having the greatest dream.
Warrick: You were out.
Hodges: It was the 80's and I had this Don Johnson beard, you know, the Miami Vice stubble. It just gave me this air of danger. My lady loved it.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
[Nick and Warrick are walking up behind Greg who is in the DNA lab]
Nick: I thought Greg was in the field, is he back in the lab?
Warrick: I don't know.
Nick: We gotta clear this up, it's like he's confused. Lab, field, field, lab. We have a lab on wheels.
Greg: Would you guys just shut up? I'm doing this as a favor to Ecklie, it's a one time thing. He's still interviewing lab techs.
Warrick: Are you making overtime?
Greg: I'm taking one for the team.
Nick: I thought Greg was in the field, is he back in the lab?
Warrick: I don't know.
Nick: We gotta clear this up, it's like he's confused. Lab, field, field, lab. We have a lab on wheels.
Greg: Would you guys just shut up? I'm doing this as a favor to Ecklie, it's a one time thing. He's still interviewing lab techs.
Warrick: Are you making overtime?
Greg: I'm taking one for the team.
TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation