CSI - Crime Scene Investigation Quotes

Jill (about her mother-in-law): She made the past six months of my life hell. So, I told anyone that would listen that she should die a fiery death and now everyone is gonna think that I killed her.
Grissom: Would you like to be more specific?
Jill: Okay, well when we got engaged, um...she ran into the backyard and she screamed "Why God, why me?" Okay. She wore white today. She... She invited Adam's very, very, attractive, very um...single ex-girlfriend. When she found out that I had registered for sporting goods and she went behind my back and changed the registry to housewears. Saying that I better learn how to cook. Okay, I'm a vegetarian and she demanded roast beef. Um...and then, then there's the toast. The toast.
Grissom: Are you trying to make me think that you didn't kill her?
Jill: I would never do that to Adam. I-I honestly don't know how such an amazing man came from...from...that.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Undersheriff McKeen (talking to Brass about the case): It's gonna look like the CSI's were paid off, no one's gonna believe it was an unfortunate series of coincidences. So my choices are we're idiots or we're dirty. So which are we?

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Brass (sees Undersheriff McKeen coming): Incoming.
Grissom (to Nick, Sara and Greg): I'll talk, you guys just look apologetic.
Undersheriff McKeen: Let me see if I understand this correctly. You let one of the members of your team drive his personal vehicle to a crime scene investigation, and even though there was a perfectly good crime scene vehicle there that personal car was crammed with every bit of evidence collected at a major murder investigation because two of you were maxed out on overtime. (Sara smirks and looks towards Greg who looks at the ground) And then the driver of said car, instead of securing that evidence in the lab, gave priority to his need for runny eggs, and the aforementioned vehicle was stolen from the parking lot filled with police cars. (Brass raises his eyebrows) Is there anything I missed?
Grissom: Just this: Even if we recover the vehicle the chain of custody has been broken. (shows Undersheriff McKeen opening a roll of Rolaids) so all the evidence has been compromised. No judge will allow any of it to be admitted into court. Oh, and also, we released the crime scene, so it too has been compromised, leaving us nothing to go back for.
Undersheriff McKeen: Thank you...for clearing up the situation. (leaves)
Brass: It could have been worse. (shows Undersheriff McKeen leaving in his car, knocking down all the construction cones and speeding off)

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Doc Robbins: : Gil... have you ever been even close to getting married?
Grissom: : Once... when I was younger. Her name was Nicole Daley. I asked her to marry me. We were classmates. She liked bugs too. I gave her my grandmother's ring, but my mother made me get it back. [Doc Robbins nods] Second grade.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: I think I found a toupee, our vic may be bald.
Nick: Thanks that will help me distinguish it from the other severed heads I find out here.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Nick: : Are you checking out my waist?
Hodges: : I'm a, I'm a 32 incher myself... same as in college.
Nick: : Oh, congratulations.
Hodges: : You know, women aren't the only ones who feel the pressure to look good. Time was, having a rotund belly was a sign of prosperity and success... now, it just means you're a lazy glutton not getting any.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Greg: Just between you and me, does he always wear a suit [talking about Brass]? Like, when you guys go to dinner, the movies...or whatever it is you do when you hang out? 'Cuz I gotta tell you, the thought of him in a sweater really freaks me out.
Grissom[smiles] We don't hang out, Greg.
Greg: No kidding? [shrugs shoulders] I just assumed.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Catherine: Here's what we have: Haskell's out there, and he may have a new face.
Sofia: Well, the new face is a game changer.
Brass: I'm sick of this guy. He's like the Joker in Batman. Except without the laughs.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Sara (going through her flashback): I remember David saying: "You think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day." (scene shows Sara walking under the arch) So there we were at Cupid's Kiss, a nuptial neverland where the cheese factor was dangerously high and the flowers were obviously... fake. Can the love be real when the flowers aren't? (she sees Nick talking to the bridesmaids who are talking jibberish, then it cuts back to them in the lab)
Nick: You really have a thing about weddings don't you?
Sara: Hey, I didn't interview them. It was just my impression. (Scent cuts back to her flashback) Hi. Sara Sidle, I'm with the crime lab.
Bryce Gundy: Heya! Bryce Gundy, groom's side.
Sara: Did you guys decorate the wedding car with those beer cans?
Bryce Gundy: Yep.
Sara: Did you drink all of the beer first?
Bryce Gundy: Yep.
Sara: Awesome. Did you also tie the groom's mom to the bumper?
Bryce Gundy: No.
Sara: Good chat. Um, I'm gonna need to get your fingerprints so that I can compare them to the ones I got off the car.
Bryce Gundy: Cool.
Sara: You are aware that someone has died...?
Bryce Gundy: No one's going to miss her except her son or her cellphone provider.
Sara: Ooh, what do you mean?
Bryce Gundy: She's creepy close to Adam. Called him like 15 times a day.
Sara: Huh. Do you mind just putting your finger right here? (Bryce tries to do that, but since he's drunk he falls into Sara who catches him) Okay, Mr. Gundy...
Bryce: I think I love you.
Sara: Uh, thank you. You need to sit down. (pushes him away) Have a club soda. (Bryce passes out) Hey, you dropped this... (Mikey comes and grabs the piece of lingerie)
Mikey: Sorry about him. Why do the jerks

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Greg (going through his flashback; walking under the arch): "You'd think she knew better than to wear white on the bride's big day." A dame was dead, but enough about her. The air was hot and heavy and filled with wrong, making me thirsty. Thirsty for a tall drink of water. That's when I saw her: a flower... and not the kind you pin on a lapel. She was long stemmed...
Sara: All right, Raymond Chandler, we get it.
Greg (voiceover during his flashback as he sees two bridesmaids): Those weren't just miracle bras, they were creating four wonders of the world. (to Lacey and Valerie) Hi, I'm Greg Sanders, with the crime lab. I need to take your prints.
Valerie: That's quite a case you got there, is it your magic kit?
Lacey: Or your toy box?
Greg: You don't seem to be too upset about what happened.
Valerie: Sweetheart, I've had so many martinis I'm both shaken and stirred.
Greg: Numbing the pain?
Lacey: Look, we're not gonna be all liquid and soft okay? All that's missing here is the striped socks.
Valerie: Ding-dong the witch is dead.
Greg: So you're not a fan?
Lacey: Cruella made me wear underwear today, no one makes me wear underwear.
Valerie (grabbing a swab): I'll do you if you do me. (Lacey opens her mouth and then Valerie swabs it)
(Scene cuts back to the lab)
Sara: They did not.
Nick: So how does that help explain how Dianne Chase died?
Greg: I'm gettin' there.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Nick (going through his flashback; walking under the arch): "You'd think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day." The perfume of American Beauties was everywhere, though a rose by any other name would have smelled just as sweet with that much love in the air.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom [going through his flashback]: "You'd think she'd know better than to wear white on the bride's big day." (reciting poetry as he's walking under the arch) Spring is but a song, Where love and laughter are not wrong. The blossoms of desire do belong, and harmonia axyridis fly along.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Mindy: I am not a bad person, and we didn't exactly kill her. I like to think she killed herself because she was...
(Scene cuts to Cindy)
Cindy: Crazy. She did crazy things to our friend. I mean, who hates a pediatric nurse? Granted, we'd been drinking a little, but she drove us to it. Sisterhood is...
(Scene cuts to Valerie)
Valerie: Powerful this and powerful that. She was on a total trip. We couldn't let our friend endure a life of that. I tried to shut her up with the drugs, but that backfired, leaving us...
(Scene cuts to Lacey)
Lacey: No choice, she was coming at me. I just defended myself, I didn't mean to take her down. But for what she was, I felt nothing. There she was just staring at me and all I could think was, thank God.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Mikey: Where's that Sara chick?
Catherine: Oh Romeo, I don't think you'll have time for romance. You're being charged with grand theft auto, obstruction of justice and conspiracy to murder...
Mikey: Okay. I will cop to everything but the murder.
Catherine: Well, if you didn't commit the murder, why did you steal the car?
Mikey: Look, the lady was already dead, all right? And then you guys show up...and then this bridesmaid comes up to me and starts askin' me all these questions about my tow truck.
Catherine: Which bridesmaid?
Mikey: The hot one. The next thing I know she wants to be the Bonnie to my Clyde. She asked me to steal this car and trash all the evidence.
Catherine: So you committed grand theft auto to get laid?
Mikey: Have you ever stolen a two-ton piece of machinery? It's way better than sex. And finding a girl that doesn't wanna kick you to the curb for it? I mean c'mon, that's hot! Besides, I haven't gotten a wedding gift for my sister yet.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: Did you know the original role of the bridesmaid was to act as a human shield against the bride's enemies?
Sara: Women would dress similar to the bride in an effort to confuse and outsmart evil spirits that might try to overtake the bride on her wedding day.
Nick: Wow, for somebody who's anti-wedding you sure know a lot about it.
Sara: I'm not anti-wedding, I'm just anti-stupid. You know, people who do things for the sake of tradition with no clue as to why...
Grissom (gives her a look): Anyway...

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Catherine (to Grissom): So aside from the shooting, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: I don't know, most people want to die in their sleep, I suppose, never know that it's happening. Like a crime scene: surprise, you're dead. I'd prefer to know in advance that I was gonna die, like to be diagnosed with cancer, actually have some time to prepare; go back to the rain-forest one more time; re-read Moby Dick; possibly enter an international chess tournament; at least, have enough time to say goodbye to the people I love.
Sara: I'm not ready to say goodbye.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: I got you a veggie burger.
Sara: Thanks.
Warrick: : What'd you get me?
Grissom: I didn't know you were here. Soy, sorry. (Sara smirks)
Warrick: Where is the love?

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
[Looking at Sven's architectural drawings]
Sara: : If Sven is capable of creating these kinds of 3D renderings, he definitely could have built that miniature.
Sofia: : Son defending the honor of his mother?
Sara: : Name that Greek tragedy.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Doc. Robbins: [to Catherine]: When was the last time you took a nap in Grissoms' tub?

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: : Has someone called your parents? You should let them know-- [Greg groans] What's the matter?
Greg: : They still think I'm in the lab.
Grissom: : Why do they think that?
Greg: : When I was in high school I never played any sports, no football, no basketball, definitely no hockey.
Grissom: [sarcastic] I never would have guessed.
Greg: : Well, it wasn't my choice. My mom wanted four kids, ended up with only one. She always made sure I stayed close and if I got a nosebleed she'd take me to the ER.
Grissom: : Well, now would be the time to come clean.
Greg: [beginning to cry] My mom's gonna freak.
Grissom: : You tell her that you risked your life to save someone else's and I think she'll be very proud of you.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Brass: Is it bigger sin to lie if you're a priest?
Grissom: I hope so.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Catherine: 18 years and this is my first crucifixion. In a Catholic church with no crucifixes.
Grissom: I imagine the priest is a resurrection theologian as opposed to a crucifixion theologian. They believe in forgiveness instead of penance.
Catherine: We could all use a little forgiveness.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Catherine: This one's for you, Sam. [lights a votive candle]

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: : Okay, Carl, tell me what happened.
Carl: : Lucas and Jason had gotten into it with Jason's grandfather, he'd knock the boys around, they ran to Lucas's house but couldn't get in. So they came to me. I explained to them that hitting wasn't okay, I said that Jason needed to call his father and explain to him what was going on.
Grissom: : Did you let them use your phone?
Carl: : They were too upset. When the grandfather pushed Lucas, he hit his head, I gave him a couple of aspirin.
Grissom: : Well, if he didn't wanna call his mother, why didn't you call?
Carl: : I couldn't risk it. She might've turned me in.
Grissom: : So instead, you took them from pizza?
Carl: : I didn't touch him. I didn't wanna hurt 'em.
Grissom: : You gave him liquor.
Carl: : I stopped and bought some whiskey before we picked up the pizza, I was nervous about them being in the car with me, I didn't wanna go back to prison.
Grissom: : And you wanted to get them drunk.
Carl: : They---they just wanted to try it. I gave them a taste.
Grissom: : It was more than just a taste, Carl. Lucas's blood alcohol level was .16, that's twice the legal limit for an adult. Why didn't you take them home?
Carl: : They didn't wanna go home, they wanted an adventure. [shows a flashback of them at the golf course] I promised them a dollar for every golf ball that they brought back, Lucas wasn't feeling well, so he stayed in the car with me.
Grissom: : And you knew that Jason wanted money so he could go to Texas to see his dad, so you bribed him in order to be alone with Lucus.
Carl: : I didn't molest him!
Grissom: : Who took his shirt off?
Carl: : He was hot.
Gris

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Greg: : This isn't a trial, it's a circus.
Sofia: : Yeah, starring the mother.
Greg: : I feel like I should say something?
Sofia: : Like what?
Greg: : I don't know.
Sofia: : Sorry? You're gonna apologize to the mother of a guy who beat one man to death and was tryin' to do the same to you? That's as good as saying you're guilty and setting yourself up for one hell of a civil suit besides. You did nothing wrong.
Greg: : I just wanna be able to sleep again.
Sofia: : We put ourselves in harm's way every single day and sometimes we pay one hell of a price for surviving it. Other people will never understand that.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Catherine: : Well, I got a phone, and keys but no purse.
Nick: : Mugging?
Catherine: : Take the purse but leave the Lexus?
Nick: : Yeah, that's not real savvy, is it?

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Sara: [with a razor in her hand] Do you trust me?
Grissom: Intimately [she begins to shave off his beard]

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Mary Wilson: : Warrick Brown. I remember you standing on my steps with those guilty green eyes, afraid to come in because you knew your grandma would size you up no matter what kind of trouble you got into.
Warrick: : I don't remember any trouble.
Mary Wilson: : Like when you were thirteen years old, and you took her new Buick out for a spin.
Warrick: : Oh... that thing with the bumper trying to parallel park. I forgot about that.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation
Grissom: : Our Mexican Fisherman signed his television release form "F. Krueger."
Catherine: : Freddy Krueger. Nightmare on Elm Street.
Archie: : The karaoke singer was Michael Myers. Halloween.
Catherine: : Parts 1-9.
Archie: : Yeah, but our hotel killer was Pamela Voorhees.
Catherine: : Friday the 13th?
Archie: : No, that's Jason. Wait, Jason was the sequel, Pamela was the killer in the original. That's the question that tripped up Drew Barrymore in Scream.
Catherine: : Yeah, and look how far it got her.
Archie: : You watch slasher flicks?
Catherine: : With Lindsey, I do. They never get the spatter right.
Grissom: : All I know, the master of all scary movies was Lon Chaney Sr., the man of a thousand faces, and that's what we're looking for.

TV Show: CSI - Crime Scene Investigation