Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes
Larry: You know, my grandfather's name was Harold Bingo, and he invented the game "Bingo."
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Walter: (to Larry) You know what you are, you are a self-loathing Jew.
Larry: Well I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.
Larry: Well I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Trick-or-Treaters: It's Halloween, can we get some candy?
Larry: Yeah, it's Halloween but that doesn't mean you can go around to people's houses and bilk candy from them.
Larry: Yeah, it's Halloween but that doesn't mean you can go around to people's houses and bilk candy from them.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: "Bald Asshole"? That's a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
Police Officer: I'm bald and I'm not offended.
Larry: With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community...with all due respect.
Police Officer: I'm bald and I'm not offended.
Larry: With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You've chosen to shave your hair and that's a look you're cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don't really consider you part of the bald community...with all due respect.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
[Larry checks the Chinese take out]
Larry: This isn't our food.
Cheryl: Did you check the order before you left?
Larry: Yeah, I did, but I decided to take the wrong food home. Thank you for inquiring.
Larry: This isn't our food.
Cheryl: Did you check the order before you left?
Larry: Yeah, I did, but I decided to take the wrong food home. Thank you for inquiring.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: How were the garlic noodles the other night?
Alan Wasserman: What?
Larry: The garlic noodles?
Alan Wasserman: I didn't touch your garlic noodles.
Larry: I didn't say you touched my garlic noodles. They were your garlic noodles.
Alan Wasserman: Right.
Larry: But you did touch the shrimp.
Alan Wasserman: What?
Larry: The garlic noodles?
Alan Wasserman: I didn't touch your garlic noodles.
Larry: I didn't say you touched my garlic noodles. They were your garlic noodles.
Alan Wasserman: Right.
Larry: But you did touch the shrimp.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: How could you not go in with an ace high? Oh, you cunt, what a cunt!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: So I'm really happy with my new sneakers. You know, 'cause they're gray. And, if you think about it's a good color, 'cause white is really too bright and black is like a pair of shoes. And gray is kind of like right in the middle. They look good.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: I'm feeling pretty good. Pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty, pret-ty good.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: Big family?
John: Yeah. Five brothers and sisters, you know, Irish.
Larry: You ever catch your parents having sex?
John: No...
Larry: Me either.
John: Yeah. Five brothers and sisters, you know, Irish.
Larry: You ever catch your parents having sex?
John: No...
Larry: Me either.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
John: Thank you for your time and for donating the lunch. We really appreciate it.
Larry: Please, whatever you need. I'll donate anything you want. I'll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I'll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got a good spleen. Excellent spleen. [sings the "Mr. Clean" commercial jingle]: "Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house and everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen."
Larry: Please, whatever you need. I'll donate anything you want. I'll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I'll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I've got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I've got a good spleen. Excellent spleen. [sings the "Mr. Clean" commercial jingle]: "Mr. Spleen gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute. Mr. Spleen will clean your whole house and everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen."
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: I don't know why you call him an asshole. He's not an asshole, he's just shy.
Cheryl: No, he's not shy. He thinks he's smarter than ever everbody else and he sits there and he judges and he--
Larry: No, he doesn't, he's just shy! You got shy/asshole confusion, my friend.
Cheryl: No, I don't think so.
Larry: Yes, I think so, my friend.
Cheryl: No, he's not shy. He thinks he's smarter than ever everbody else and he sits there and he judges and he--
Larry: No, he doesn't, he's just shy! You got shy/asshole confusion, my friend.
Cheryl: No, I don't think so.
Larry: Yes, I think so, my friend.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Susie: Stop scratching your balls and tell me where it is! All right, just get me the fucking [doll] head, all right?! Get me the fucking head, all right!? Both of you, I've had it! You four-eyed fuck and you fat piece of shit! Get me the head!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: Excuse me.
Amy: Yeah?
Larry: Do you work here?
Amy: No.
Larry: How come you told me to, to get rid of the water, then?
Amy: I saw you coming in with water, there's no water, it's the rules.
Larry: I don't understand how it's your concern, you don't work here.
Amy: It's the rules!
Larry: Rules?
Amy: The sign says no food or drink in the theater, I'm sure we would all like to have water.
Larry: Oh yeah, we're all dying of thirst. What are you, the hallway monitor here?
Amy: Who are you that the rules don't apply?
Larry: I'm applying the golden rule, are you?
Amy: I don't think the golden rule applies here.
Larry: If you had water, would you want me to tell you not to bring it in? I don't think so!
Amy: How about common courtesy, bud?
Larry: Oh?
Amy: A little common courtesy.
Larry: That doesn't supersede the golden rule! That's the big one.
Amy: Yeah?
Larry: Do you work here?
Amy: No.
Larry: How come you told me to, to get rid of the water, then?
Amy: I saw you coming in with water, there's no water, it's the rules.
Larry: I don't understand how it's your concern, you don't work here.
Amy: It's the rules!
Larry: Rules?
Amy: The sign says no food or drink in the theater, I'm sure we would all like to have water.
Larry: Oh yeah, we're all dying of thirst. What are you, the hallway monitor here?
Amy: Who are you that the rules don't apply?
Larry: I'm applying the golden rule, are you?
Amy: I don't think the golden rule applies here.
Larry: If you had water, would you want me to tell you not to bring it in? I don't think so!
Amy: How about common courtesy, bud?
Larry: Oh?
Amy: A little common courtesy.
Larry: That doesn't supersede the golden rule! That's the big one.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jeff: So, tomorrow night, you guys wanna go to dinner before part two?
Cheryl: Uhmm...
Larry: No.
Cheryl: Well, I do wanna go to part two.
Larry: No.
Jeff: You gotta go to part two! You're a part of the ABC Family!
Cheryl: Yeah, we're definitely going to part two.
Larry: Yeah, but we're not going to dinner with you though.
Cheryl: We've already made plans.
Larry: We don't have any plans, we just don't wanna go to dinner with you.
Cheryl: Uhmm...
Larry: No.
Cheryl: Well, I do wanna go to part two.
Larry: No.
Jeff: You gotta go to part two! You're a part of the ABC Family!
Cheryl: Yeah, we're definitely going to part two.
Larry: Yeah, but we're not going to dinner with you though.
Cheryl: We've already made plans.
Larry: We don't have any plans, we just don't wanna go to dinner with you.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: See this thing?
Tara: Uh-huh.
Larry: It's called a Swiss Army Knife.
Tara: Mm-hm.
Larry: You heard of Switzerland?
Larry: Um, yeah.
Larry: It's a country in Europe and they don't like to fight.
Tara: Huh.
Larry: They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
Tara: Uh-huh.
Larry: It's called a Swiss Army Knife.
Tara: Mm-hm.
Larry: You heard of Switzerland?
Larry: Um, yeah.
Larry: It's a country in Europe and they don't like to fight.
Tara: Huh.
Larry: They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: Jesus Christ! My penis is itching!
Jeff: You know what? You put that doll head down there and who knows what that hair is made out of. You've got a allergic reaction, I'm telling you.
Larry: Yeah, I think I got some kinda rash. I gotta check out my penis, I have to go to the doctor now? That's going to be a lot of fun; "Where'd you get the rash?" "Oh, I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Doctor. It feels good to me!"
Jeff: You know what? You put that doll head down there and who knows what that hair is made out of. You've got a allergic reaction, I'm telling you.
Larry: Yeah, I think I got some kinda rash. I gotta check out my penis, I have to go to the doctor now? That's going to be a lot of fun; "Where'd you get the rash?" "Oh, I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Doctor. It feels good to me!"
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Tara: Mommy, Mommy, that bald man is in the bathroom and there's something hard in his pants!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: I’ll have a vanilla…one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: This is very good, by the way. Thank you. Is this a cafe latte? What is that? Milk..
Starbucks Employee: Milk, uh...
Larry: Milk and coffee.
Starbucks Employee: Milk and coffee, yeah.
Larry: Milk and coffee! Who would've thought? Milk and coffee!
Cheryl: You know, we need to go now.
Larry: Oh my God, what a drink! It's milk and coffee mixed together! You've gotta go there! Sit down, have a doughnut! Have a bagel!
Starbucks Employee: Milk, uh...
Larry: Milk and coffee.
Starbucks Employee: Milk and coffee, yeah.
Larry: Milk and coffee! Who would've thought? Milk and coffee!
Cheryl: You know, we need to go now.
Larry: Oh my God, what a drink! It's milk and coffee mixed together! You've gotta go there! Sit down, have a doughnut! Have a bagel!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: Grape works as a soda. Sort of as a gum. I wonder why it doesn’t work as a pie. Grape pie? There’s no grape pie.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Richard Lewis: OK, ten years ago, I was in Paris.
Larry: Forget Paris!
Richard Lewis: OK, well, you stole my outgoing message on my machine.
Larry: What, are you fucking nuts?
Richard Lewis: I came up with that message.
Larry: Are you fucking crazy? I came up with that seven years ago!
Richard Lewis: Bullshit! I came up with it ten years ago!
Larry: Bullshit!? Listen, who are you going to believe? An ex-alcholic? Or a person who's been lucid 24 hours a day his entire life? (Laughing)
Richard Lewis: Just please change it.
Larry: (Still laughing) What? I'm not.
Richard Lewis: Listen, people call me and they call you and they say "Oh well Larry David has the same thing on his machine." It's not Larry David's it's mine! I mean I don't have a wife, my parents are dead. You have a family!
Larry: Oh, oh. He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
Richard Lewis: That's right!
Larry: (fakes crying) He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
Richard Lewis: Just please change it.
Larry: (Continues fake-crying) You're right, I'll change it because you don't have a wife and your parents, your parents. they're dead! They would have been 95 but they're dead!
Larry: Forget Paris!
Richard Lewis: OK, well, you stole my outgoing message on my machine.
Larry: What, are you fucking nuts?
Richard Lewis: I came up with that message.
Larry: Are you fucking crazy? I came up with that seven years ago!
Richard Lewis: Bullshit! I came up with it ten years ago!
Larry: Bullshit!? Listen, who are you going to believe? An ex-alcholic? Or a person who's been lucid 24 hours a day his entire life? (Laughing)
Richard Lewis: Just please change it.
Larry: (Still laughing) What? I'm not.
Richard Lewis: Listen, people call me and they call you and they say "Oh well Larry David has the same thing on his machine." It's not Larry David's it's mine! I mean I don't have a wife, my parents are dead. You have a family!
Larry: Oh, oh. He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
Richard Lewis: That's right!
Larry: (fakes crying) He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
Richard Lewis: Just please change it.
Larry: (Continues fake-crying) You're right, I'll change it because you don't have a wife and your parents, your parents. they're dead! They would have been 95 but they're dead!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: Do you think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything. They ruined the continental United States. Ruined it! We have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast, that’s the continental United States. You don’t need more states. We’re not the British Empire. Are they trying to turn us into the British Empire? And what is Puerto Rico, anyway?
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Man in Airport: What's the name on here? Is it yours? No, it's mine, Chris Darga. See, now if this were yours it would say "Fucking Douchebag"!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jeff Greene: So, I've given up red meat.
Larry David: Really?
Jeff: Yup, no more red meat for me.
Larry: Good for you. How come you're doing that?
Jeff: No reason.
Larry: What do you mean "no reason"? You've gotta have a reason.
Jeff: No, no reason. What do you care?
Larry: Hey, schmuck-face, you can't just say you're giving up red meat, there has to be some motivation behind it.
Jeff: No reason.
Larry David: Really?
Jeff: Yup, no more red meat for me.
Larry: Good for you. How come you're doing that?
Jeff: No reason.
Larry: What do you mean "no reason"? You've gotta have a reason.
Jeff: No, no reason. What do you care?
Larry: Hey, schmuck-face, you can't just say you're giving up red meat, there has to be some motivation behind it.
Jeff: No reason.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Homeowner: Hey. Hey buddy, what's the deal?
Larry: What are you talking about?
Homeowner: Throw something in my garbage can?
Larry: I threw garbage in your garbage can.
Homeowner: Yeah, that's my garbage can.
Larry: So?
Homeowner: I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that.
Larry: Doesn't garbage belong in a garbage can?
Homeowner: My garbage belongs in my garbage can, your garbage belongs in your garbage can, OK?
Larry: Well what's the difference?
Homeowner: The difference?
Larry: Yeah.
Homeowner: It's mine.
Larry: The can's not full, I don't get it.
Homeowner: Next guy I see throwing garbage in there, I'm gonna kick his ass.
Larry: I'll give that message to the next guy.
Homeowner: You think I'm kiddin'?
Larry: No, I believe you. I'm gonna tell the next guy.
Homeowner: Yeah you do that.
Larry: What are you talking about?
Homeowner: Throw something in my garbage can?
Larry: I threw garbage in your garbage can.
Homeowner: Yeah, that's my garbage can.
Larry: So?
Homeowner: I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that.
Larry: Doesn't garbage belong in a garbage can?
Homeowner: My garbage belongs in my garbage can, your garbage belongs in your garbage can, OK?
Larry: Well what's the difference?
Homeowner: The difference?
Larry: Yeah.
Homeowner: It's mine.
Larry: The can's not full, I don't get it.
Homeowner: Next guy I see throwing garbage in there, I'm gonna kick his ass.
Larry: I'll give that message to the next guy.
Homeowner: You think I'm kiddin'?
Larry: No, I believe you. I'm gonna tell the next guy.
Homeowner: Yeah you do that.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: I once invested in a whorehouse. I made a fortune on that place.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm