Curb Your Enthusiasm Quotes
Nurse: You're giving away a kidney. The recipient is going to love you, man.
Larry: Really?
Nurse: You gonna have your own personal slave, is what it is. You could be in China and sneeze and he'll bring you a tissue.
Larry: Wow, that may be true with others, I don't think with him though. He wouldn't even loan me a putter, actually.
Nurse: You're giving him a kidney, he wouldn't loan you his putter?
Larry: Well, people get very attached to their golf clubs. It's understandable.
Nurse: You're not attached to your kidney? That's fucked up, man.
Larry: Really?
Nurse: You gonna have your own personal slave, is what it is. You could be in China and sneeze and he'll bring you a tissue.
Larry: Wow, that may be true with others, I don't think with him though. He wouldn't even loan me a putter, actually.
Nurse: You're giving him a kidney, he wouldn't loan you his putter?
Larry: Well, people get very attached to their golf clubs. It's understandable.
Nurse: You're not attached to your kidney? That's fucked up, man.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
[at Marty's house]
Jeff: We gotta get going. My daughter is waiting for a puppet show.
Larry: My dad has a virus in bed with a fever with covers up to his head.
Susie: Your dad always has a virus.
Larry: Hey, fuck you, he doesn't always have a virus.
Jeff: We gotta get going. My daughter is waiting for a puppet show.
Larry: My dad has a virus in bed with a fever with covers up to his head.
Susie: Your dad always has a virus.
Larry: Hey, fuck you, he doesn't always have a virus.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: What do you think you're doing?! You're stealing my thing!
Richard: Stealing what thing?
Larry: Showing-up-on-the-wrong-night thing!
Richard: What, you have a fucking copyright on this?!
Richard: Stealing what thing?
Larry: Showing-up-on-the-wrong-night thing!
Richard: What, you have a fucking copyright on this?!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: So your last name is "Black"?
Loretta Black: Yes.
Larry: That's like if my last name was "Jew", like Larry Jew.
Loretta Black: Yes.
Larry: That's like if my last name was "Jew", like Larry Jew.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: We're having a big party.
Baker: Uh huh. You wanna cake?
Cheryl: Yeah, we want a chocolate layer cake.
Larry: Like the one Marty Funkhouser gets.
Baker: Oh yeah! He's actually ordered it a couple of times. I just have one that I prepared recently.
Cheryl: It was the best cake we ever had. We can't stop talking about it.
Baker: It's one of our most popular cakes..
Cheryl: I can understand why.
Baker: ..And here he is.
[puts down a cake shaped like a penis]
Larry: ...That's a penis.
Baker: Uh huh. You wanna cake?
Cheryl: Yeah, we want a chocolate layer cake.
Larry: Like the one Marty Funkhouser gets.
Baker: Oh yeah! He's actually ordered it a couple of times. I just have one that I prepared recently.
Cheryl: It was the best cake we ever had. We can't stop talking about it.
Baker: It's one of our most popular cakes..
Cheryl: I can understand why.
Baker: ..And here he is.
[puts down a cake shaped like a penis]
Larry: ...That's a penis.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: How come you didn't tell us that I was eating a black penis, the other night?
Marty: You mean the cake? Well, I told you it was a black "log" cake.
Larry: Yeah, still, I was eating a black penis and you didn't mention it.
Marty: Well, eating a black penis is not appetizing to everybody.
Larry: Next time your gonna do something like that, tell me, okay? I think that's unfair.
Marty: Why did you take the balls home?
Larry: I didn't know they were balls.
Marty: You mean the cake? Well, I told you it was a black "log" cake.
Larry: Yeah, still, I was eating a black penis and you didn't mention it.
Marty: Well, eating a black penis is not appetizing to everybody.
Larry: Next time your gonna do something like that, tell me, okay? I think that's unfair.
Marty: Why did you take the balls home?
Larry: I didn't know they were balls.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: What do you mean "what kind of cum"? Cum's cum.
Leon: Cum is not cum.
Larry: Cum's cum.
Leon: It couldn't have been mine, you know why? Cuz I gets mine, Larry. I brings the ruckus to the ladies.
Larry: Okay, so you're denying this, is that it?
Leon: First of all, look around this place, man. Is there any visuals here to jack off to? All we have is basic cable right? What am I gonna do, jack off to Andy Griffith?
Leon: Cum is not cum.
Larry: Cum's cum.
Leon: It couldn't have been mine, you know why? Cuz I gets mine, Larry. I brings the ruckus to the ladies.
Larry: Okay, so you're denying this, is that it?
Leon: First of all, look around this place, man. Is there any visuals here to jack off to? All we have is basic cable right? What am I gonna do, jack off to Andy Griffith?
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Leon: Yeah, that's how I do it, baby, ha ha ha. Joe Pepitone up in this motherfucker.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: An employee is told that the customer's always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Funkhouser: If you weren't my best friend, I'd pop your head off...
Larry: He's not my best friend!
Larry: He's not my best friend!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: You can put my colon up next to your colon; we'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
Richard Lewis: I will have a colon contest anytime you want.
Richard Lewis: I will have a colon contest anytime you want.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: You'll go in, he'll be up there, you're down here. Right? He's on top, he's asking you the questions. Then all of a sudden the interview starts, he asks you some questions, you answer some questions ... then you start asking him the questions, and you flip it. Now he's trying to impress you.
Leon: Turn that shit around on him.
Larry: Turn it around on him.
Leon: Topsy-turvy that motherfucker.
Leon: Turn that shit around on him.
Larry: Turn it around on him.
Leon: Topsy-turvy that motherfucker.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: I'm not wearing no-fly underwear.
Leon: You gotta do it. You got long balls, Larry. Long balls, you've got long ass balls.
Larry: I've got long balls?
Leon: Doctor, you said he's got long balls, right?
Larry: Would you say I have unusually long..
Doctor: They're a bit more distended than the average testicles.
Leon: You got long ass balls, Larry. "Long Ball Larry", that's your new name.
Larry: Long balls..who would've known.
Leon: Long balls, change your draws.
Leon: You gotta do it. You got long balls, Larry. Long balls, you've got long ass balls.
Larry: I've got long balls?
Leon: Doctor, you said he's got long balls, right?
Larry: Would you say I have unusually long..
Doctor: They're a bit more distended than the average testicles.
Leon: You got long ass balls, Larry. "Long Ball Larry", that's your new name.
Larry: Long balls..who would've known.
Leon: Long balls, change your draws.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: [Auntie Rae] went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused. I only have five seconds. After that, it's out of my control.
Jeff: Not me. I've got discipline down there. I have a very discerning penis—very discerning.
Larry: My penis is an animal.
Jeff: Really? Just out of control. It's wild.
Larry: It's a feral tiger, yeah.
Jeff: Not me. I've got discipline down there. I have a very discerning penis—very discerning.
Larry: My penis is an animal.
Jeff: Really? Just out of control. It's wild.
Larry: It's a feral tiger, yeah.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jeff: [just snubbed due to his baldness] This blows. How do you deal with it?
Larry: Well, you know, you just get used to it. I get support from my bald brothers.
Jeff: There's, like, meetings?
Larry: Well, you know, you just get used to it. I get support from my bald brothers.
Jeff: There's, like, meetings?
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
[Larry is annoyed, having sponsored Marty Funkhouser to take part in a walk to raise money for Alzheimer's, to find him instead sitting in a cafe]
Larry: What are you doing? You're supposed to be walking.
Marty: I raise money; I don't walk.
Larry: You didn't tell me you were sitting, I wouldn't have given you money in the first place.
Marty: I didn't say I was walking.
Larry: Well, the walking is implied, is it not?
Marty: Don't you care about Alzheimer's?
Larry: What are you doing? You're supposed to be walking.
Marty: I raise money; I don't walk.
Larry: You didn't tell me you were sitting, I wouldn't have given you money in the first place.
Marty: I didn't say I was walking.
Larry: Well, the walking is implied, is it not?
Marty: Don't you care about Alzheimer's?
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Secretary: Hey, Larry, do you still have that tickling in your anus? I cannot get you an appointment for two weeks.
Larry: What?
Michael: Are you experiencing discomfort?
Larry: What is she talking about? [to secretary] What are you talking about? Where'd you get that from?
Michael: It's nothing to joke around about. Who are you trying to make an appointment with?
Secretary: Rosenberg.
Michael: Rosenberg's a good man. I got a better one. Pencil. Call this man: Doctor J. Whitney. My wife's cousin, Kai, she runs the office.
Larry: Oh, she does?
Michael: She can open all the doors, not just the back one. You know what I mean? Seriously, she can get you in today and you don't have to think about it again. Why not?
Larry: That's nice of you but there's really nothing wrong with me. I mean-why not-"I have a tickling in my anus". I don't have a tickle--[to secretary] Are you fucking crazy?! Huh?! Tickle in my anus? Where did that-why'd you say that!? I don't have a tickle! Who said that?!
Michael: I gotta go, I gotta go.
Secretary: Look, I think I gave you the wrong impression. Larry's anus is fine-
Larry: Shut the fuck up, okay?! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Larry: What?
Michael: Are you experiencing discomfort?
Larry: What is she talking about? [to secretary] What are you talking about? Where'd you get that from?
Michael: It's nothing to joke around about. Who are you trying to make an appointment with?
Secretary: Rosenberg.
Michael: Rosenberg's a good man. I got a better one. Pencil. Call this man: Doctor J. Whitney. My wife's cousin, Kai, she runs the office.
Larry: Oh, she does?
Michael: She can open all the doors, not just the back one. You know what I mean? Seriously, she can get you in today and you don't have to think about it again. Why not?
Larry: That's nice of you but there's really nothing wrong with me. I mean-why not-"I have a tickling in my anus". I don't have a tickle--[to secretary] Are you fucking crazy?! Huh?! Tickle in my anus? Where did that-why'd you say that!? I don't have a tickle! Who said that?!
Michael: I gotta go, I gotta go.
Secretary: Look, I think I gave you the wrong impression. Larry's anus is fine-
Larry: Shut the fuck up, okay?! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Loretta: [to Susie] Who the fuck you think you talkin' to?! Nobody be talkin' to my man like that! You betta get yo ass out of this house! Fucken Bitch!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: You can't make an empty gesture to a Funkhouser. They take you up on it!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: Can I tell you something about apricots? ... 1 in 30 is a good one. It's such a low percentage fruit.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: I'm going to dinner with Jeff and Susie and Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend, if you want to come along.
Loretta: Any black people gonna be there?
Larry: No.
Loretta: Then why would I want to go?
Larry: ...Might be some people with cancer?
Loretta: Any black people gonna be there?
Larry: No.
Loretta: Then why would I want to go?
Larry: ...Might be some people with cancer?
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Larry: You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: Remember I was sitting here yesterday?
Waiter: Yeah.
Larry: Do you mind telling me how much tip the guy I was with left you?
Waiter: Oh..we don't do that.
Larry: You don't do what?
Waiter: We don't share that information with the customers.
Larry: Honestly, who gives a crap? I was in here, I was with a guy, I'm just curious. What did he leave?
Waiter: It was a healthy, healthy tip.
Larry: Was mine a healthy tip?
Waiter: Yeah.
Larry: Was his healthier?
Waiter: I...
Larry: Let me ask you this question. Was it over twelve dollars?
Waiter: Do..do you want me to refill your water or..
Larry: Just scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars.
Waiter: I can really get in trouble if I talk to you about that.
Larry: Nobody even knows what we're talking about. Scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars. Go ahead, just scratch it. Was it over twelve dollars?
[waiter scratches his face]
Larry: Oh, for God's sake. What an asshole! Let me ask you a question. Was it over fifteen dollars? Just tug on your tie up here. Was it over fifteen?
Waiter: This is making me really uncomfortable.
Larry: Nobody's even knows what we're talking about! Was it over fifteen dollars? Tug on your tie.
[waiter tugs on his tie]
Larry: Oh, my fucking..fuck!
Waiter: Yeah.
Larry: Do you mind telling me how much tip the guy I was with left you?
Waiter: Oh..we don't do that.
Larry: You don't do what?
Waiter: We don't share that information with the customers.
Larry: Honestly, who gives a crap? I was in here, I was with a guy, I'm just curious. What did he leave?
Waiter: It was a healthy, healthy tip.
Larry: Was mine a healthy tip?
Waiter: Yeah.
Larry: Was his healthier?
Waiter: I...
Larry: Let me ask you this question. Was it over twelve dollars?
Waiter: Do..do you want me to refill your water or..
Larry: Just scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars.
Waiter: I can really get in trouble if I talk to you about that.
Larry: Nobody even knows what we're talking about. Scratch your face with your finger if it was over twelve dollars. Go ahead, just scratch it. Was it over twelve dollars?
[waiter scratches his face]
Larry: Oh, for God's sake. What an asshole! Let me ask you a question. Was it over fifteen dollars? Just tug on your tie up here. Was it over fifteen?
Waiter: This is making me really uncomfortable.
Larry: Nobody's even knows what we're talking about! Was it over fifteen dollars? Tug on your tie.
[waiter tugs on his tie]
Larry: Oh, my fucking..fuck!
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: I'm not kidding, the food was awful. Terrible. Honestly, I can't believe you recommended that.
Dr. Morrison: Well, I liked the ossobuco.
Larry: Didn't taste like ossobuco to me. It was bad ossobuco.
Dr. Morrison: Well, I liked the ossobuco.
Larry: Didn't taste like ossobuco to me. It was bad ossobuco.
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm
Larry: [in reference to the Fowler's adopted child from China] Let me ask you this question, have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chopsticks?
Jamie: Why?
John: Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks, Larry?
Larry: Well, she's Chinese.
John: Do you think she's also a Kung Fu master?
Larry: No, all I'm wondering is this, if you took an American kid who's never used chopsticks before and a Chinese kid who's never used chopsticks before, would the Chinese kid do better?
John: So the American kid is the control group?
Jamie: Okay, you know what, she uses a fork.
Larry: Do me a favor.
Jamie: What?
Larry: First time she uses chopsticks, gimme a call me and just let me know. Gimme a call and just say "Hey, you know what? You wouldn't believe it.."
Jamie: Why?
John: Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks, Larry?
Larry: Well, she's Chinese.
John: Do you think she's also a Kung Fu master?
Larry: No, all I'm wondering is this, if you took an American kid who's never used chopsticks before and a Chinese kid who's never used chopsticks before, would the Chinese kid do better?
John: So the American kid is the control group?
Jamie: Okay, you know what, she uses a fork.
Larry: Do me a favor.
Jamie: What?
Larry: First time she uses chopsticks, gimme a call me and just let me know. Gimme a call and just say "Hey, you know what? You wouldn't believe it.."
TV Show: Curb Your Enthusiasm