Dilbert Quotes
Dilbert: You said you'd wake me up at eight.
Dogbert: I also said women are attracted to men shaped like potatoes.
Dogbert: I also said women are attracted to men shaped like potatoes.
Movie: Dilbert
Dilbert: What's wrong with me?
Dogbert: I was going to wait until the second trimester to tell you but you're pregnant with the sperm of a cow, an Amishman
Dilmom: A hilbilly, and a Martian.
Dogbert: I was going to wait until the second trimester to tell you but you're pregnant with the sperm of a cow, an Amishman
Dilmom: A hilbilly, and a Martian.
Movie: Dilbert
Pointy-Haired Boss: Save the technical mumbo-jumbo. I just want to know if it'll work.
Movie: Dilbert
Wally: Carpe diem, Dilbert.
Dilbert: 'Seize the day.'
Wally: What?
Dilbert: Carpe diem.
Wally: I think that's a fish.
Dilbert: 'Seize the day.'
Wally: What?
Dilbert: Carpe diem.
Wally: I think that's a fish.
Movie: Dilbert
Wally: There is one last testing. Dilbert, will you date me?
Dilbert: Not for a thousand years!
Wally: Yeah, he's a woman.
Dilbert: Not for a thousand years!
Wally: Yeah, he's a woman.
Movie: Dilbert
Dilbert: I thought you were gonna wake me at 6: 30?
Dogbert: I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes. Can you find a pattern here?
Dogbert: I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes. Can you find a pattern here?
TV Show: Dilbert
Dogbert: Do we have anyone here from marketing?
[A guy and a girl from marketing are making out]
Marketing girl: Lie to me!
Marketing guy: Our next upgrade will solve the problem!
Marketing girl: Ohhhh! [the two keep making out]
Dogbert: I like the sound of it, but how do you spell "uh-hoo-ah-ahhhh"?
[A guy and a girl from marketing are making out]
Marketing girl: Lie to me!
Marketing guy: Our next upgrade will solve the problem!
Marketing girl: Ohhhh! [the two keep making out]
Dogbert: I like the sound of it, but how do you spell "uh-hoo-ah-ahhhh"?
TV Show: Dilbert
Accountant: Walter has a name for the product.
Walter: How about... Ford?
Dogbert: Hmm. That seems to be taken - [slams his paper on the table] - by the Ford Motor Company!!
[Walter runs out crying]
Marketing guy: Maybe Ford will sell the name. Everybody has a price!
Dogbert: You're not alowed to talk anymore.
Walter: How about... Ford?
Dogbert: Hmm. That seems to be taken - [slams his paper on the table] - by the Ford Motor Company!!
[Walter runs out crying]
Marketing guy: Maybe Ford will sell the name. Everybody has a price!
Dogbert: You're not alowed to talk anymore.
TV Show: Dilbert
Dilbert: Good morning, shower!
Automated Shower Machine: Good morning, Dilbert!
Dogbert: Hmm, don't you do enough engineering at work?
Dilbert: Work is just meetings, this is engineering. If this works, someday all showers will be voice activated.
Dogbert[sitting on a stool]: Is it that hard to turn the knobs?
Dilbert: It's not that it's hard, it's unnecessary. [To ASM] 99, please.
ASM: 99. [shower turns on at 99 degrees; Dilbert steps inside]
Dogbert[aside]: 400.
[The ASM does nothing]
Dilbert: Heh-heh, nice try. But the shower is calibrated to respond to my voice only.
Dogbert: Why, you think of everything!
Dilbert: I'm cautious.
Dogbert: That's why you had training wheels on your bike until you were seventeen.
Dilbert: I was fourteen.
ASM: 14. [makes the shower temperature 14 degrees]
Dilbert: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [is frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [shower goes back to 99 degrees, as the ice melts] Don't do that!
Dogbert: Where'd you get the voice for that thing? It sounds like the voice for that stupid movie; what was it called, "something, something, a Space Odyssey"?
Dilbert: It wasn't "Something, something, a Space Odyssey", it was "2001: A Spa-" [cut to the exterior of the house, as the ASM evidently makes the shower temperature 2001 degrees] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
[back inside, a red-skinned Dilbert wraps a towel around himself, which then catches on fire as he walks off-screen]
Dogbert: On the plus-side, you look very clean.
Automated Shower Machine: Good morning, Dilbert!
Dogbert: Hmm, don't you do enough engineering at work?
Dilbert: Work is just meetings, this is engineering. If this works, someday all showers will be voice activated.
Dogbert[sitting on a stool]: Is it that hard to turn the knobs?
Dilbert: It's not that it's hard, it's unnecessary. [To ASM] 99, please.
ASM: 99. [shower turns on at 99 degrees; Dilbert steps inside]
Dogbert[aside]: 400.
[The ASM does nothing]
Dilbert: Heh-heh, nice try. But the shower is calibrated to respond to my voice only.
Dogbert: Why, you think of everything!
Dilbert: I'm cautious.
Dogbert: That's why you had training wheels on your bike until you were seventeen.
Dilbert: I was fourteen.
ASM: 14. [makes the shower temperature 14 degrees]
Dilbert: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [is frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [shower goes back to 99 degrees, as the ice melts] Don't do that!
Dogbert: Where'd you get the voice for that thing? It sounds like the voice for that stupid movie; what was it called, "something, something, a Space Odyssey"?
Dilbert: It wasn't "Something, something, a Space Odyssey", it was "2001: A Spa-" [cut to the exterior of the house, as the ASM evidently makes the shower temperature 2001 degrees] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
[back inside, a red-skinned Dilbert wraps a towel around himself, which then catches on fire as he walks off-screen]
Dogbert: On the plus-side, you look very clean.
TV Show: Dilbert
Dilbert: I told them at the rollout meeting that anthrax was a bacteria, not a herb!
Wally: No you didn't!
Dilbert: Well, I was thinking it pretty hard!
Wally: No you didn't!
Dilbert: Well, I was thinking it pretty hard!
TV Show: Dilbert
Executive: Bob, you're like a son to me.
Bob: You don't have a son.
Executive: That's where I'm headed here.
Bob: Oooh.
Bob: You don't have a son.
Executive: That's where I'm headed here.
Bob: Oooh.
TV Show: Dilbert
Dilbert: To save time, I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for our next product.
[The "consultant" turns around in his swivel chair and reveals himself to be Dogbert]
Loud Howard: He doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen!
Dogbert[writing in a piece of paper]: Recommendation: downsize the loud guy.
Loud Howard: Uh, I-I take it back!
Dogbert: Anyone else want a piece of me?
[The "consultant" turns around in his swivel chair and reveals himself to be Dogbert]
Loud Howard: He doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen!
Dogbert[writing in a piece of paper]: Recommendation: downsize the loud guy.
Loud Howard: Uh, I-I take it back!
Dogbert: Anyone else want a piece of me?
TV Show: Dilbert
PHB: Well, there's no point in killing a dead horse.
Dilbert: You mean there's no point in beating a dead horse.
PHB: Why would anyone beat a dead horse?
Dilbert: Why would anyone kill a dead horse?
PHB: Maybe it kicked ya.
Dilbert: It's dead!
PHB: And so is every customer who has used our flagship product!
Dilbert: You mean there's no point in beating a dead horse.
PHB: Why would anyone beat a dead horse?
Dilbert: Why would anyone kill a dead horse?
PHB: Maybe it kicked ya.
Dilbert: It's dead!
PHB: And so is every customer who has used our flagship product!
TV Show: Dilbert
Dilbert: Do you think the guy who invented the mouse pad started with the name? What's a mouse pad?
Wally: Heheh, feminine protection for mice.
[Alice smacks Wally in the face with a book]
Wally: Heheh, feminine protection for mice.
[Alice smacks Wally in the face with a book]
TV Show: Dilbert
Accountant: Walter is good with these name things. He just named his baby.
PHB: How is Walter Jr?
Walter: She's fine, thanks for asking.
PHB: How is Walter Jr?
Walter: She's fine, thanks for asking.
TV Show: Dilbert
Vibrating chair store owner[speaking in a shaky voice]: Would you like to try a vibrating chair?
Dogbert: Get out of my way, you pervert.
Dogbert: Get out of my way, you pervert.
TV Show: Dilbert
Office worker: Help, Dilbert, I've been shot!
Dilbert: "I've been shot!", "I've been shot!"—I have a few problems of my own you know!
Office worker: Yeah I heard about the name thing, that's a drag…
Dilbert: "I've been shot!", "I've been shot!"—I have a few problems of my own you know!
Office worker: Yeah I heard about the name thing, that's a drag…
TV Show: Dilbert
Dilmom: Why don't you call your product the Gruntmaster 6000?
Dilbert: What kind of product do you see when you imagine a Gruntmaster 6000?
Dilmom: Well it's a stripped-down version of the Gruntmaster 9000 of course. But it's software-upgradeable.
Dilbert: What kind of product do you see when you imagine a Gruntmaster 6000?
Dilmom: Well it's a stripped-down version of the Gruntmaster 9000 of course. But it's software-upgradeable.
TV Show: Dilbert
Dogbert: As you probably know, all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who are competent.
Wally: Competent? How are we going to compete with that?
Wally: Competent? How are we going to compete with that?
TV Show: Dilbert
Boss: Ah—am I late?
PHB: Right on time sir.
Boss: Oh…in that case I've got time to make some phone calls. [leaves]
PHB: Right on time sir.
Boss: Oh…in that case I've got time to make some phone calls. [leaves]
TV Show: Dilbert
[Dogbert causes all the chairs in the store to vibrate wildly]
Vibrating chair store owner[shaky voice]: Will you be sitting down in any of these?
Dogbert: No, I'm gonna run for it and you might wanna do the same.
Vibrating chair store owner[shaky voice]: Will you be sitting down in any of these?
Dogbert: No, I'm gonna run for it and you might wanna do the same.
TV Show: Dilbert
Loud Howard: The rumor is that they treat you like a human being! And I would love to be treated like a human being - just once!
TV Show: Dilbert
Dilbert: This is impossible! How am I gonna get any work done if there's no tension?
TV Show: Dilbert
Dilbert: Lena's team is so big you could get lost in the crowd and never have to lift a finger.
Alice: They might get the big raises and party atmosphere, but they'll never know the satisfaction that comes from really hard work.
[Wally vanishes.]
Dilbert: You could have worded that better.
Alice: They might get the big raises and party atmosphere, but they'll never know the satisfaction that comes from really hard work.
[Wally vanishes.]
Dilbert: You could have worded that better.
TV Show: Dilbert
Fred's head: Get out while you still can.
Dilbert: Get out?
Fred's head: Can't you see? We're severed heads in a jar!
Dilbert: Well maybe it didn't work out with you guys, but that doesn't mean it won't work out with me. She really likes me.
Dilbert: Get out?
Fred's head: Can't you see? We're severed heads in a jar!
Dilbert: Well maybe it didn't work out with you guys, but that doesn't mean it won't work out with me. She really likes me.
TV Show: Dilbert
Alice: Team Lena is going down!
Dilbert: Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?
Alice: Of course.
Dilbert: Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?
Alice: Of course.
TV Show: Dilbert
Alice: She's making me think of sex at the same time I see you naked. Now I've got Dilbert and sex in the same part of my brain! Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it out!
TV Show: Dilbert