Duck Soup Quotes
Ambassador Trentino: But I asked you to dig up something I can use against Firefly. Did you bring me his record? [Pinky hands him a gramophone record]
Ambassador Trentino: No, no! [Trentino flings the record away like a clay pigeon skeet. Pinky takes out a rifle and blasts it out of the air. Chicolini rings a bell on the desk and awards Pinky a cigar]
Chicolini: And the boy gets a cigar!
Ambassador Trentino: No, no! [Trentino flings the record away like a clay pigeon skeet. Pinky takes out a rifle and blasts it out of the air. Chicolini rings a bell on the desk and awards Pinky a cigar]
Chicolini: And the boy gets a cigar!
Movie: Duck Soup
Chicolini: Now I aska you one. What has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus?
Prosecutor: That's irrelevant.
Chicolini: Irrelephant? Hey, that'sa that answer. There's a whole lot of irrelephants in the circus.
Prosecutor: That's irrelevant.
Chicolini: Irrelephant? Hey, that'sa that answer. There's a whole lot of irrelephants in the circus.
Movie: Duck Soup
Rufus T. Firefly: Just for that, you don't get the job I was going to give you.
Chicolini: What job?
Rufus T. Firefly: Secretary of War.
Chicolini: All right, I take it.
Rufus T. Firefly: Sold.
Chicolini: What job?
Rufus T. Firefly: Secretary of War.
Chicolini: All right, I take it.
Rufus T. Firefly: Sold.
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Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, uh, I suppose you would think me a sentimental old fluff, but, uh, would you mind giving me lock of your hair?
Mrs. Teasdale: A lock of my hair? Wh-why, I had no idea.
Rufus T. Firefly: I'm letting you off easy: I was going to ask for the whole wig.
Mrs. Teasdale: A lock of my hair? Wh-why, I had no idea.
Rufus T. Firefly: I'm letting you off easy: I was going to ask for the whole wig.
Movie: Duck Soup
[reporting on shadowing Firefly]
Chicolini: Monday we watch-a Firefly's house, but he no come he wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us: he no show up. Wednesday HE go to the ball game, but we fool HIM, WE no show up. Thursday it was a double-header nobody show up. Friday it rained all day, there was no ball game, so we stayed home, we listen to it over the radio.
Chicolini: Monday we watch-a Firefly's house, but he no come he wasn't home. Tuesday we go to the ball game, but he fool us: he no show up. Wednesday HE go to the ball game, but we fool HIM, WE no show up. Thursday it was a double-header nobody show up. Friday it rained all day, there was no ball game, so we stayed home, we listen to it over the radio.
Movie: Duck Soup
[Firefly emerges from a vase that has been stuck on his head]
Rufus T. Firefly: Any mail for me while I was gone?
Rufus T. Firefly: Any mail for me while I was gone?
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Rufus T. Firefly : I got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
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Rufus T. Firefly : Awfully decent of you to drop in today. Do you realize our army is facing disastrous defeat? What do you intend to do about it?
Chicolini : I've done it already.
Rufus T. Firefly : You've done what?
Chicolini : I've changed to the other side.
Rufus T. Firefly : So you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?
Chicolini : Well, the food is better over here.
Chicolini : I've done it already.
Rufus T. Firefly : You've done what?
Chicolini : I've changed to the other side.
Rufus T. Firefly : So you're on the other side, eh? Well, what are you doing over here?
Chicolini : Well, the food is better over here.
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Rufus T. Firefly : Lieutenant, why weren't the original indictment papers placed in my portfolio?
Bob Roland : Why, uh, I didn't think those papers were important at this time, your excellency.
Rufus T. Firefly : You didn't think they were important? Do you realize I had my dessert wrapped in those papers?
Bob Roland : Why, uh, I didn't think those papers were important at this time, your excellency.
Rufus T. Firefly : You didn't think they were important? Do you realize I had my dessert wrapped in those papers?
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Bob Roland : We've got to get rid of that man at once. Now I've got a plan. You say something to make him mad, and he'll strike you... and we'll force him to leave the country.
Rufus T. Firefly : That's a swell plan... why couldn't you arrange for me to strike him?
Bob Roland : Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man. Perhaps if you insult him. He's very easy to insult. Why, I said something to Vera Marcal in his presence once, and he slapped my face.
Rufus T. Firefly : Why didn't Vera slap your face?
Bob Roland : She did.
Rufus T. Firefly : What'd you say to her? [ Roland whispers it in his ear. Firefly slaps his face ]
Rufus T. Firefly : You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Where'd you hear that story?
Bob Roland : Why, you told it to me.
Rufus T. Firefly : Oh yes, I remember. I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me.
Rufus T. Firefly : That's a swell plan... why couldn't you arrange for me to strike him?
Bob Roland : Ambassador Trentino is a very sensitive man. Perhaps if you insult him. He's very easy to insult. Why, I said something to Vera Marcal in his presence once, and he slapped my face.
Rufus T. Firefly : Why didn't Vera slap your face?
Bob Roland : She did.
Rufus T. Firefly : What'd you say to her? [ Roland whispers it in his ear. Firefly slaps his face ]
Rufus T. Firefly : You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Where'd you hear that story?
Bob Roland : Why, you told it to me.
Rufus T. Firefly : Oh yes, I remember. I should have slapped Mrs. Teasdale's face when she told it to me.
Movie: Duck Soup
Rufus T. Firefly : Oh, uh, I suppose you would think me a sentimental old fluff, but, uh, would you mind giving me lock of your hair?
Mrs. Teasdale : A lock of my hair? Wh-why, I had no idea.
Rufus T. Firefly : I'm letting you off easy: I was going to ask for the whole wig.
Mrs. Teasdale : A lock of my hair? Wh-why, I had no idea.
Rufus T. Firefly : I'm letting you off easy: I was going to ask for the whole wig.
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Rufus T. Firefly : I'll see you at the opera tonight. I'll hold your seat till you get there. After you get there you're on your own.
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Rufus T. Firefly : Now, what is it that has four pairs of pants, lives in Philadelphia, and it never rains but it pours?
Chicolini : Atsa good one. I give you three guesses.
Rufus T. Firefly : Now let me see. Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia... Is it male or female?
Chicolini : No, I no think so.
Rufus T. Firefly : Is he dead?
Chicolini : Who?
Rufus T. Firefly : I don't know. I give up.
Chicolini : I give up, too.
Chicolini : Atsa good one. I give you three guesses.
Rufus T. Firefly : Now let me see. Has four pair of pants, lives in Philadelphia... Is it male or female?
Chicolini : No, I no think so.
Rufus T. Firefly : Is he dead?
Chicolini : Who?
Rufus T. Firefly : I don't know. I give up.
Chicolini : I give up, too.
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Rufus T. Firefly : How would you like a job in the mint?
Chicolini : Mint? No, no, I no like a mint. Uh, what other flavor you got?
Chicolini : Mint? No, no, I no like a mint. Uh, what other flavor you got?
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Rufus T. Firefly : You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you're out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in be in here thinking what a sucker you are.
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Rufus T. Firefly : Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.
Chicolini : I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.
Chicolini : I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll take five and ten in Woolworth.
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Rufus T. Firefly : Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can't see the stove.
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Ambassador Trentino : I am willing to do anything to prevent this war.
Rufus T. Firefly : It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.
Rufus T. Firefly : It's too late. I've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.
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Rufus T. Firefly : Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale : Why, he's dead.
Rufus T. Firefly : I bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale : I was with him to the very end.
Rufus T. Firefly : No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale : I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Rufus T. Firefly : Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
Mrs. Teasdale : Why, he's dead.
Rufus T. Firefly : I bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale : I was with him to the very end.
Rufus T. Firefly : No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale : I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Rufus T. Firefly : Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.
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Rufus T. Firefly : Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honour, which is probably more than she ever did.
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[ answering the phone in Firefly's office ]
Chicolini : Hello? No, not yet. All right, I tell him. Good-a-bye. [ He hangs up ]
Chicolini : That was for you again.
Rufus T. Firefly : I wonder whatever became of me? I should have been back here a long time ago.
Chicolini : Hello? No, not yet. All right, I tell him. Good-a-bye. [ He hangs up ]
Chicolini : That was for you again.
Rufus T. Firefly : I wonder whatever became of me? I should have been back here a long time ago.
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Rufus T. Firefly : Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon.
Ambassador Trentino : What?
Rufus T. Firefly : I, uh, I'm sorry I said that; it isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.
Ambassador Trentino : What?
Rufus T. Firefly : I, uh, I'm sorry I said that; it isn't fair to the rest of the baboons.
Movie: Duck Soup
Chicolini : Now I aska you one. What has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus?
Prosecutor : That's irrelevant.
Chicolini : Irrelephant? Hey, that'sa that answer. There's a whole lot of irrelephants in the circus.
Prosecutor : That's irrelevant.
Chicolini : Irrelephant? Hey, that'sa that answer. There's a whole lot of irrelephants in the circus.
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Rufus T. Firefly : Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front. Don't we ever get a message from the side? - What is it?
Bob Roland : General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
Rufus T. Firefly : Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda and a half a glass of water.
Bob Roland : General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do.
Rufus T. Firefly : Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda and a half a glass of water.
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Rufus T. Firefly : Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
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Minister of Finance : Here is the Treasury Department's report, sir. I hope you'll find it clear.
Rufus T. Firefly : Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. [ to Bob Roland ]
Rufus T. Firefly : Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.
Rufus T. Firefly : Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. [ to Bob Roland ]
Rufus T. Firefly : Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.
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Rufus T. Firefly : [ to Chicolini ] I wanted to get a writ of habeas corpus, but I should have gotten a-rid of you instead.
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Prosecutor : Chicolini, you are charged with high treason, and if found guilty, you will be shot.
Chicolini : I object.
Prosecutor : You object? On what grounds?
Chicolini : I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Rufus T. Firefly : Objection sustained.
Prosecutor : Your majesty, you sustain the objection?
Rufus T. Firefly : Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say either. Why don't you object?
Chicolini : I object.
Prosecutor : You object? On what grounds?
Chicolini : I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Rufus T. Firefly : Objection sustained.
Prosecutor : Your majesty, you sustain the objection?
Rufus T. Firefly : Sure, I couldn't think of anything else to say either. Why don't you object?
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Rufus T. Firefly : I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.
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Rufus T. Firefly : And now, members of the cabinet... [ pounds gavel ]
Rufus T. Firefly : we'll take up old business.
Cabinet Member : I wish to discuss the tariff.
Rufus T. Firefly : Sit down, that's new business. No old business? Very well... [ pounds gavel ]
Rufus T. Firefly : we'll take up new business.
Cabinet Member : Now, about that tariff...
Rufus T. Firefly : Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.
Rufus T. Firefly : we'll take up old business.
Cabinet Member : I wish to discuss the tariff.
Rufus T. Firefly : Sit down, that's new business. No old business? Very well... [ pounds gavel ]
Rufus T. Firefly : we'll take up new business.
Cabinet Member : Now, about that tariff...
Rufus T. Firefly : Too late, that's old business already. Sit down.
Movie: Duck Soup