Everybody Hates Chris Quotes
Narrator: That's my Aunt Charlotte, but we called her Grievey because we only saw her at funerals. No birthdays, no weddings... just funerals.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Gene: And he didn't think I was playin' when I smacked him in the head with a brick. [everyone laughs] And to this day, when I go in there, my foods is free!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Chris! get in here and pick up this Yoyo My father died, for goodness' sake, and now you tryin' to kill me too!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I hadn't seen my mom so happy since Lionel Richie went solo.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Science teacher: Another 30 seconds in there and we would've been blacker than you!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Oh, my God! Julius, what are you... sellin' a fish or sleepin' with a mermaid?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: What if Jackie Robinson quit? What if George Washington Carver quit? What if Martin Luther King, Jr. quit?
Narrator: When my father had a point to make, he always started off strong, but he never ended that way.
Julius: What if Colonel Sanders quit? What if Apollo Creed quit? What if Katherine Jackson quit makin' kids?
Narrator: Ain't she a woman?
Julius: They might be The Jackson Three! What if Kool from Kool and the Gang quit? You think they would've gotten a record contract if they were just called "The Gang"?
Narrator: To this day, I can't tell you what my father said, but that smell stayed with me forever.
Narrator: When my father had a point to make, he always started off strong, but he never ended that way.
Julius: What if Colonel Sanders quit? What if Apollo Creed quit? What if Katherine Jackson quit makin' kids?
Narrator: Ain't she a woman?
Julius: They might be The Jackson Three! What if Kool from Kool and the Gang quit? You think they would've gotten a record contract if they were just called "The Gang"?
Narrator: To this day, I can't tell you what my father said, but that smell stayed with me forever.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: Let me in.
Rochelle: No. You smell.
Julius: That is the smell of a working man.
Rochelle: No, that is the smell of Aquaman.
Julius: Rochelle, open the door.
Rochelle: No. Look, baby, I understand that this job brings you more free time and more money, but I can't take it anymore! The kids can't breathe! I cannot sleep at night! Do you not know that I'm at that Laundromat every day? I've been burnin' so much incense, ten people came by here tryin' to buy reggae albums!
Narrator: [in a Jamaican accent] Hey, 'mon!
Julius: What you want me to do?
Rochelle: Quit!
Julius: I can't just quit! What kind of example would that be for the kids? Huh? Did Thurgood Marshall quit? Did Frederick Douglass quit? Did Booker T. Washington quit?
Rochelle: I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I want you to quit!
Julius: What about takin' the kids to Great Escape? Huh?
Drew: We don't wanna go nowhere with you.
Tonya: Yeah, Daddy! You stink!
[Rochelle drops a bag of clean clothes down to Julius]
Julius: What's this?
Rochelle: Clean clothes.
Julius: Where am I supposed to change?
Rochelle: I don't know. Why don't you ask them cats?
[Julius looks down, where a lot of cats are licking his feet]
Rochelle: No. You smell.
Julius: That is the smell of a working man.
Rochelle: No, that is the smell of Aquaman.
Julius: Rochelle, open the door.
Rochelle: No. Look, baby, I understand that this job brings you more free time and more money, but I can't take it anymore! The kids can't breathe! I cannot sleep at night! Do you not know that I'm at that Laundromat every day? I've been burnin' so much incense, ten people came by here tryin' to buy reggae albums!
Narrator: [in a Jamaican accent] Hey, 'mon!
Julius: What you want me to do?
Rochelle: Quit!
Julius: I can't just quit! What kind of example would that be for the kids? Huh? Did Thurgood Marshall quit? Did Frederick Douglass quit? Did Booker T. Washington quit?
Rochelle: I don't know and I don't care. All I know is I want you to quit!
Julius: What about takin' the kids to Great Escape? Huh?
Drew: We don't wanna go nowhere with you.
Tonya: Yeah, Daddy! You stink!
[Rochelle drops a bag of clean clothes down to Julius]
Julius: What's this?
Rochelle: Clean clothes.
Julius: Where am I supposed to change?
Rochelle: I don't know. Why don't you ask them cats?
[Julius looks down, where a lot of cats are licking his feet]
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Caruso: Silly Negro.
Narrator: You know what? I think it's time for this silly Negro to get out of this school.
Narrator: You know what? I think it's time for this silly Negro to get out of this school.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: That day I realized that no matter what school I went to, things were gonna be rough. But, as long as I had Greg, things were gonna be all right.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: For free my father would let me learn almost anything.
Julius: What are you doing?
Chris: Taking "How to Knock Off a Liquor Store" lessons.
Julius: How much does it cost?
Chris: It's free.
Julius: Go ahead.
Julius: What are you doing?
Chris: Taking "How to Knock Off a Liquor Store" lessons.
Julius: How much does it cost?
Chris: It's free.
Julius: Go ahead.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: It's been a year since my mom sent me to Corleone Junior High for a better education.
White kid: Jerk!
Narrator: Oh, I was gettin' a better education, all right: an education in misery! I was tired of my classes.
[Cutaway]
Ms. Morello: Inga-binga-binga-bunga. Chris, what tribe are you from?
Chris: I don't know.
Narrator: I still struggled to get sleep.
[Cutaway]
Chris: Goodnight, momma.
Rochelle: Goodnight, baby. [switches the light off and back on again] Chris! Get your butt up! It's time to go to school!
Chris: Rrrghhh!
Narrator: And worst of all, everybody hated me. The kids hated me. The teachers hated me. Even the lunch ladies hated me. [Chris gets chased by white kids, teachers and lunch ladies] But, the only good thing that happened to me at Corleone was meetin' Greg.
White kid: Jerk!
Narrator: Oh, I was gettin' a better education, all right: an education in misery! I was tired of my classes.
[Cutaway]
Ms. Morello: Inga-binga-binga-bunga. Chris, what tribe are you from?
Chris: I don't know.
Narrator: I still struggled to get sleep.
[Cutaway]
Chris: Goodnight, momma.
Rochelle: Goodnight, baby. [switches the light off and back on again] Chris! Get your butt up! It's time to go to school!
Chris: Rrrghhh!
Narrator: And worst of all, everybody hated me. The kids hated me. The teachers hated me. Even the lunch ladies hated me. [Chris gets chased by white kids, teachers and lunch ladies] But, the only good thing that happened to me at Corleone was meetin' Greg.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: You remember that girl who got stabbed last year at Marla Gibbs High School. Chris, Sanford has nothing but juvenile delinquents and future convicts.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: [to Julius] We'll look for other schools... and we'll look for other soap. You stink!
Narrator: From there, we tried performin' arts school.
Chris: [singing] Fame, I'm gonna live forever! I'm gonna learn how to fly!
Performing arts teacher: Next!
Narrator: We looked into Hebrew school.
Chris: [singing]Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava...
Jewish teacher: Next!
Narrator: We even tried old school.
Chris: [singing] I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie, to the hip, hip, hop, and you don't stop the rock it to the bang, bang, boogie, say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat!
Old school teacher: Next!
Chris: Ah wh---
Narrator: From there, we tried performin' arts school.
Chris: [singing] Fame, I'm gonna live forever! I'm gonna learn how to fly!
Performing arts teacher: Next!
Narrator: We looked into Hebrew school.
Chris: [singing]Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava...
Jewish teacher: Next!
Narrator: We even tried old school.
Chris: [singing] I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie, to the hip, hip, hop, and you don't stop the rock it to the bang, bang, boogie, say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat!
Old school teacher: Next!
Chris: Ah wh---
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Back at Corleone, like Kunta Kinte, I was waiting for my freedom papers.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Chris: So... are we going to be learning how to break boards?
Mr. Jackson: You got somethin' against boards? Huh? What has a board ever done to you? Has a board ever embarrassed you in front of your woman? Has it lied for your phone number and dared you to do something about it? And did you just stand and watch her get into the board's car and drive home?
Chris: Uh, no.
Mr. Jackson: That's why we ain't learning how to break no damn boards.
Drew: Your the coolest big brother out of all my friends.
Mr. Jackson: You got somethin' against boards? Huh? What has a board ever done to you? Has a board ever embarrassed you in front of your woman? Has it lied for your phone number and dared you to do something about it? And did you just stand and watch her get into the board's car and drive home?
Chris: Uh, no.
Mr. Jackson: That's why we ain't learning how to break no damn boards.
Drew: Your the coolest big brother out of all my friends.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My father knew that if my mother ever found that Playboy, he'd probably never see a naked woman again.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I wanted to lie, but my mother always told me if I did, she'd slap me into another nationality!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: When I was a teenager, I discovered a lot of new things. I discovered sour milk doesn't always become yogurt.
[Chris pours some milk into his cereal, which comes out looking like yogurt; he tastes it, then spits it out]
Narrator: I discovered the barber who's always available isn't always the best.
[a guy sees blood on his hand and runs out of the barbershop screaming]
Barber: Next!
Narrator: I also discovered that if you hit people with a truck, they'll do anything you want.
[a clip from "The A-Team" is shown on TV]
[Chris pours some milk into his cereal, which comes out looking like yogurt; he tastes it, then spits it out]
Narrator: I discovered the barber who's always available isn't always the best.
[a guy sees blood on his hand and runs out of the barbershop screaming]
Barber: Next!
Narrator: I also discovered that if you hit people with a truck, they'll do anything you want.
[a clip from "The A-Team" is shown on TV]
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My father could asked my mother if anybody had been in the toolbox, but he knew questions made my mother suspicious.
[Cutaway]
Tonya: Momma, can I go play over at Trisha's house?
Rochelle: What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here, and why you actin' all suspicious?
[Cutaway]
Drew: Hey Mom, what time is it?
Rochelle: What you need to know the time for? What are you gonna do, go rob a bank? You're actin' suspicious.
[Cutaway]
Chris: Ma, can I have some more potatoes?
Rochelle: What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you gettin' high? You startin' to act suspicious.
[Cutaway]
Tonya: Momma, can I go play over at Trisha's house?
Rochelle: What you need to go over her house for? What you gonna do over there you can't do here, and why you actin' all suspicious?
[Cutaway]
Drew: Hey Mom, what time is it?
Rochelle: What you need to know the time for? What are you gonna do, go rob a bank? You're actin' suspicious.
[Cutaway]
Chris: Ma, can I have some more potatoes?
Rochelle: What you need more potatoes for? Boy, you gettin' high? You startin' to act suspicious.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My last option was to go to Risky. Since all his stuff was stolen, I knew he wouldn't call a cop. He'd get you liquor.
Boy: It's for my uncle.
Risky: Here. Don't drink it all at once.
Narrator: He'd get you cigarettes.
Girl: It's for my mother.
Risky: Here. Don't smoke 'em all at once.
Narrator: He could even get you plutonium.
Man: It's for my daughter.
Risky: Do not use this all at once.
Boy: It's for my uncle.
Risky: Here. Don't drink it all at once.
Narrator: He'd get you cigarettes.
Girl: It's for my mother.
Risky: Here. Don't smoke 'em all at once.
Narrator: He could even get you plutonium.
Man: It's for my daughter.
Risky: Do not use this all at once.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Chris, where did you get a Playboy from anyway?
[Julius gives Chris a look]
Narrator: That look means, "Boy, I know I never asked you to lie, but please don't tell your mother that that's my Playboy!"
[Julius gives Chris a look]
Narrator: That look means, "Boy, I know I never asked you to lie, but please don't tell your mother that that's my Playboy!"
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
[Chris tries to buy Playboy and gum]
Narrator: The vice principal had my magazine, but I had money, so I figured replacing it wouldn't be a problem.
Store clerk: $3.50.
[Chris pays, and the store clerk takes away the Playboy]
Store clerk: Now get out of here before I call a cop.
Chris: For what?! You just robbed me, this one cost me 50 cents.
Store clerk: Really? Then why don't we call your mom and tell her how you're trying to buy a Playboy?
Narrator: Hey, this [Miss] June was fine, but she wasn't worth goin' to jail.
Narrator: The vice principal had my magazine, but I had money, so I figured replacing it wouldn't be a problem.
Store clerk: $3.50.
[Chris pays, and the store clerk takes away the Playboy]
Store clerk: Now get out of here before I call a cop.
Chris: For what?! You just robbed me, this one cost me 50 cents.
Store clerk: Really? Then why don't we call your mom and tell her how you're trying to buy a Playboy?
Narrator: Hey, this [Miss] June was fine, but she wasn't worth goin' to jail.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Chris, go get your father's crazy glue.
Narrator: If we didn't have crazy glue, this is what would happen to our house. (In Chris' head, a house falls down)
Narrator: If we didn't have crazy glue, this is what would happen to our house. (In Chris' head, a house falls down)
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: We gotta do something about it, you know Drew is scared to death of spiders.
[Cutaway]
Narrator: My brother, Drew, wasn't scared of anything, but after he saw The Fly, he was terrified of spiders. (Drew starts patting all over himself to see if there was a spider, then he starts getting crazy, patting himself, and shrieking) I wouldn't tell you what happened after he saw Urban Cowboy.
[Cutaway]
Narrator: My brother, Drew, wasn't scared of anything, but after he saw The Fly, he was terrified of spiders. (Drew starts patting all over himself to see if there was a spider, then he starts getting crazy, patting himself, and shrieking) I wouldn't tell you what happened after he saw Urban Cowboy.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My father has gotten tickets from Risky before: for the Ali-Frazier fight at Madison Square Garden.
Rochelle: Oh!
Julius: What happened? Who's down? What happened?
Rochelle: Man!
Narrator: He got him tickets to see Patti LaBelle at Lincoln Center.
Julius: What's she wearin'? Has she thrown her shoe yet?
Rochelle: I got Patti's shoe! I got Patti's shoe! Smell it! Smell it! Yeah Patti, I love you girl! Whoo!
Rochelle: Oh!
Julius: What happened? Who's down? What happened?
Rochelle: Man!
Narrator: He got him tickets to see Patti LaBelle at Lincoln Center.
Julius: What's she wearin'? Has she thrown her shoe yet?
Rochelle: I got Patti's shoe! I got Patti's shoe! Smell it! Smell it! Yeah Patti, I love you girl! Whoo!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Greg: Never heard of Thomas "Tip" O'Neill?
Narrator: Not unless he's related to Shaquille!
Narrator: Not unless he's related to Shaquille!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
White Cop: You the kid sellin' the cookies?
Chris: Right off the truck. How many do you want?
White Cop: None. You're under arrest.
Chris: Right off the truck. How many do you want?
White Cop: None. You're under arrest.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris