Everybody Hates Chris Quotes
[after Greg finds out about Chris' stage name]
Greg: Isn't Chrissy a girl's name?
Chris: It's a black thing.
Greg: Isn't Chrissy a girl's name?
Chris: It's a black thing.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Just as everyone else was scared by "The Exorcist," my father was scared by another movie: Night of the Lepus.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: [about Jerome] He went on to join Public Enemy as one of the guys who looked tough, but was never allowed to rap.
White Cop: We have a warrant for the arrest of Hilton Reed, a.k.a. DJ Hilly Hill.
Narrator: The first rule of breakin' the law: If the cops are after you, don't stand under a sign with your name on it.
White Cop: We have a warrant for the arrest of Hilton Reed, a.k.a. DJ Hilly Hill.
Narrator: The first rule of breakin' the law: If the cops are after you, don't stand under a sign with your name on it.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: When I was 14, I never got a chance to hang out with my dad much because all he did was work and sleep.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Tonya: [after Rochelle gives her the wrong picture] Momma, this is not Billy Ocean. This is Billy Dee Williams.
Rochelle: What? Let's see that. [takes the picture and looks at it] Dammit, Risky!
Rochelle: What? Let's see that. [takes the picture and looks at it] Dammit, Risky!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Monk: Ask anybody. They'll tell you. You can always hang out with your daddy. Go to the movie.
Jerome: Go to the game, man. You know if my father wasn't in jail, that's what I'd do.
Mr. Omar: Yeah, go to the game, but whatever you do, don't sit behind home plate. My father was killed by a line drive to the medulla oblongata. Tragic!
Risky: Go to the game. My father never took me 'cause I was a test tube baby. Want some peanuts?
Kill Moves: Why don't you and the girl go see a movie about the game that your father's goin' to?
Jerome: Go to the game, man. You know if my father wasn't in jail, that's what I'd do.
Mr. Omar: Yeah, go to the game, but whatever you do, don't sit behind home plate. My father was killed by a line drive to the medulla oblongata. Tragic!
Risky: Go to the game. My father never took me 'cause I was a test tube baby. Want some peanuts?
Kill Moves: Why don't you and the girl go see a movie about the game that your father's goin' to?
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: My mother had lost more stuff in her purse than the Bermuda Triangle. She lost little things.
Rochelle: There's my lipstick.
Narrator: She lost big things.
Rochelle: There's that skillet.
Narrator: She lost great big things.
Rochelle: There's that gallon of milk.
Narrator: And things she didn't know how she lost.
Rochelle: There's my purse.
Narrator: They might have found Biggie's killer if they looked inside my mother's purse.
Rochelle: There's my lipstick.
Narrator: She lost big things.
Rochelle: There's that skillet.
Narrator: She lost great big things.
Rochelle: There's that gallon of milk.
Narrator: And things she didn't know how she lost.
Rochelle: There's my purse.
Narrator: They might have found Biggie's killer if they looked inside my mother's purse.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Monk: I couldn't imagine going to a baseball game with my father.
Chris: Why not?
Monk: Because they didn't have baseball games in the Qu?ng Ngãi Province.
Chris: Was your dad in Vietnam?
Narrator: Nope, Queens.
Monk: I don't know, he disappeared when I was two. I haven't seen him since.
Narrator: 20 years later, Monk found his father on MySpace. Profile name: Military Mike-tastic.
Chris: Why not?
Monk: Because they didn't have baseball games in the Qu?ng Ngãi Province.
Chris: Was your dad in Vietnam?
Narrator: Nope, Queens.
Monk: I don't know, he disappeared when I was two. I haven't seen him since.
Narrator: 20 years later, Monk found his father on MySpace. Profile name: Military Mike-tastic.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Tonya loved Billy Ocean, so naturally, she joined the Billy Ocean fan club and sent off for an autographed picture. But it wasn't the first fan club she joined. There was the DeBarge fan club, the Shalamar fan club, even the Terence Trent D'Arby fan club. Too bad they were bought out by the Al B. Sure fan club.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Doc: Some of this material is a little blue.
Chris: Blue?
Doc: Yeah, filthy, so if you hear something you ain't supposed to hear, turn it off.
Narrator: Don't be so strict, old man!
Chris: Blue?
Doc: Yeah, filthy, so if you hear something you ain't supposed to hear, turn it off.
Narrator: Don't be so strict, old man!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: If Tasha were here to do her voice-over, she would admit that she's heartbroken.
Adult Tasha: [narrating] No, I wouldn't. I wasn't heartbroken, I don't even remember this happening.
Tasha: So I'll see you later?
Chris: Um, yeah. OK.
Narrator: While Tasha silently suffered in Brooklyn...
Adult Tasha: [narrating] I wasn't suffering then and I'm not suffering now— I don't care.
Adult Tasha: [narrating] No, I wouldn't. I wasn't heartbroken, I don't even remember this happening.
Tasha: So I'll see you later?
Chris: Um, yeah. OK.
Narrator: While Tasha silently suffered in Brooklyn...
Adult Tasha: [narrating] I wasn't suffering then and I'm not suffering now— I don't care.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Vanessa: [about Michael] He wants to take me to dinner and everything.
Narrator: Everything means nothing but dinner.
Narrator: Everything means nothing but dinner.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I thought about one girl so much when I was 16, I forgot I was 30.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Michael: Rochelle, what are you doin' out here, sneakin' up on people? You coulda caused me to have a heart attack!
Narrator: Michael shoulda died years ago, but his heart was way too lazy to attack him.
Narrator: Michael shoulda died years ago, but his heart was way too lazy to attack him.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Vanessa: Did you hear about Doc?
Rochelle: No. What happened?
Vanessa: He won $300 on the basketball game last night.
Rochelle: Gambling? I hate gambling.
Narrator: My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it. He'd gamble on anything: fights...
[Gene is watching two kids playing Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots]
Gene: C'mon, Blue! Let's go! C'mon, Blue!
[the kid controlling the red robot wins]
Gene: Doggone it!
Narrator: He'd gamble on races.
[Gene is watching two kids race on tricycles; one of them wins]
Gene: Doggone it!
Narrator: He'd even bet on the weather.
Gene: I got $10 on sunny and 79!
[it is raining outside]
Gene: Doggone it!
Rochelle: No. What happened?
Vanessa: He won $300 on the basketball game last night.
Rochelle: Gambling? I hate gambling.
Narrator: My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it. He'd gamble on anything: fights...
[Gene is watching two kids playing Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots]
Gene: C'mon, Blue! Let's go! C'mon, Blue!
[the kid controlling the red robot wins]
Gene: Doggone it!
Narrator: He'd gamble on races.
[Gene is watching two kids race on tricycles; one of them wins]
Gene: Doggone it!
Narrator: He'd even bet on the weather.
Gene: I got $10 on sunny and 79!
[it is raining outside]
Gene: Doggone it!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: You know what? I'm gonna change your name from Chrissy the Black to Chrissy the Black and Blue.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Even people who told other people not to gamble, gambled.
Priest: Let me tell you this: Gambling is a sin! With a capital S!
Priest: Let me tell you this: Gambling is a sin! With a capital S!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: And Chrissy the Black... You just out there out calling games like you in Atlantic City huh? Is that what you want to do if you grow up?
Chris: But I wasn't gambling
Rochelle: You wasn't gambling... you better get ready to stop not gambling
Chris: But I wasn't gambling
Rochelle: You wasn't gambling... you better get ready to stop not gambling
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: I found out one thing in life: If you want people to laugh, tell 'em a joke. Now, if you really want 'em to laugh, tell 'em a dirty joke.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: While Drew was trying to make a clean break, I was getting down and dirty with my new jokes. I told the one about the guy who got bitten by the snake...
Chris: So the doctor said, "Make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake, and suck out the poison." So the guy gets back to his friend, and the friend said, "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die."
Narrator: I told one about the two guys on the bridge...
Chris: And so then the white guy said, "Man, this water's cold." And the black guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep too."
Narrator: And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.
Chris: So he was bleeding, and his clothes were torn. So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"
Jerome: Little dude from across the street! Does your momma know you out here tellin' jokes like that?
Chris: No.
Narrator: Because if she did, she'd smack the smut outta me!
Chris: So the doctor said, "Make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake, and suck out the poison." So the guy gets back to his friend, and the friend said, "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die."
Narrator: I told one about the two guys on the bridge...
Chris: And so then the white guy said, "Man, this water's cold." And the black guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep too."
Narrator: And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.
Chris: So he was bleeding, and his clothes were torn. So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"
Jerome: Little dude from across the street! Does your momma know you out here tellin' jokes like that?
Chris: No.
Narrator: Because if she did, she'd smack the smut outta me!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Maxine: I'm too old for a blind date!
Narrator: She wouldn't say that if it was Stevie Wonder.
Narrator: She wouldn't say that if it was Stevie Wonder.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: Are you done?
Julius: Yeah. Why?
Rochelle: 'Cause as far as I'm concerned, this time is next time.
Narrator: Number 3!!!
Julius: Yeah. Why?
Rochelle: 'Cause as far as I'm concerned, this time is next time.
Narrator: Number 3!!!
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: [about the dinner Maxine served him] I can't eat this. My gout'll flare up.
Maxine: Oh, don't worry, that's oven-fried chicken.
Maxine: Oh, don't worry, that's oven-fried chicken.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: You can't understand comedy like this.
Chris: I understood it.
Rochelle: You understood which one?
Chris: All of 'em.
Rochelle: The one about the lady with the funny lips?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: The one about makin' sandwiches?
Chris: Yeah.
Rochelle: The one about the black sheep?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: The one about the Fukawi Indian?
Chris: Yeah.
Chris: I understood it.
Rochelle: You understood which one?
Chris: All of 'em.
Rochelle: The one about the lady with the funny lips?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: The one about makin' sandwiches?
Chris: Yeah.
Rochelle: The one about the black sheep?
Chris: Yeah.
Julius: The one about the Fukawi Indian?
Chris: Yeah.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Julius: What are you doing up?
Rochelle: I can't sleep.
Narrator: Translation: He can't sleep.
Rochelle: I can't sleep.
Narrator: Translation: He can't sleep.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Rochelle: A date? My mother is almost 60. How would she look out there tryin' to get a date?
Narrator: Like Bea Arthur on The Golden Girls.
Narrator: Like Bea Arthur on The Golden Girls.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Ever since I was a kid, I always loved comedy. I loved cartoons, sitcoms and, most of all, stand-up comedians.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
Narrator: Dirty jokes were one thing. Dirty words where a whole new ballgame.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris
George Carlin: [on record player] Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are seven of them you can't say on television. They must really be bad...
Chris: "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television?"
George Carlin: [on record player] You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?
Narrator: Seven? I could only think of three. [two beeps] What? Whoo! [two beeps] Ouch! Uh-huh! [two beeps] Whoa! Hey, now! [beep] Ho, ho, ho, ho! My vocabulary just grew by four.
Chris: "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television?"
George Carlin: [on record player] You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?
Narrator: Seven? I could only think of three. [two beeps] What? Whoo! [two beeps] Ouch! Uh-huh! [two beeps] Whoa! Hey, now! [beep] Ho, ho, ho, ho! My vocabulary just grew by four.
TV Show: Everybody Hates Chris