Everybody Loves Raymond Quotes
Frank Barone: Come on, he's your brother.
Ray Barone: He's your son!
Frank Barone: You're just gonna throw that in my face?
Ray Barone: He's your son!
Frank Barone: You're just gonna throw that in my face?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Robert's doing mock traffic class with Ray, Debra, Marie, and Frank.]
Robert Barone: Now I would like you to tell us what offense led you to be here today. Lets start with Raymond.
Ray Barone: I killed my brother.
Robert Barone: Traffic offense.
Ray Barone: Oh, oh, can you go lie down on the driveway for a minute?
Robert Barone: Now I would like you to tell us what offense led you to be here today. Lets start with Raymond.
Ray Barone: I killed my brother.
Robert Barone: Traffic offense.
Ray Barone: Oh, oh, can you go lie down on the driveway for a minute?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Ray encounters a beautiful woman in the elevator.]
Michelle: Hi, my name's Michelle.
[pause.]
Ray Barone: Like The Beatles.
[pause.]
Ray Barone: That was sort of their French song.
Michelle: Hi, my name's Michelle.
[pause.]
Ray Barone: Like The Beatles.
[pause.]
Ray Barone: That was sort of their French song.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Young Woman: Ray, your mother is wonderful.
Ray Barone: Really?
Young Woman: Yeah, she told me how to have a long and happy marriage.
Ray Barone: Long and happy?
Ray Barone: Really?
Young Woman: Yeah, she told me how to have a long and happy marriage.
Ray Barone: Long and happy?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert Barone: I once went to a Bed and Breakfast with my ex-wife.
Ray Barone: Was it good?
Robert Barone: Did you miss the end of that sentence?
Ray Barone: Was it good?
Robert Barone: Did you miss the end of that sentence?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: Look, Frank, your sons are hugging!
Frank Barone: Want me to get the hose?
Frank Barone: Want me to get the hose?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: You're funny too, Raymond. Tell them that joke.
Ray Barone': What joke?
Marie Barone: The one you told me. Where the man walks into the bar and the peanuts are saying all these nice things to him, and he asks the bartender what's up with them and he says "they're complimentary".
Ray Barone: Mom, you've just told the punchline.
Marie Barone: Yeah, but you tell it. You have such a nice voice.
Ray Barone': What joke?
Marie Barone: The one you told me. Where the man walks into the bar and the peanuts are saying all these nice things to him, and he asks the bartender what's up with them and he says "they're complimentary".
Ray Barone: Mom, you've just told the punchline.
Marie Barone: Yeah, but you tell it. You have such a nice voice.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Frank is staring at Marie's statue, which looks like a vagina]
Janitor: If you ask me it looks like a... [whispers in Frank's ear]
[Long pause]
Frank Barone: Holy crap!
Janitor: If you ask me it looks like a... [whispers in Frank's ear]
[Long pause]
Frank Barone: Holy crap!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Amy talking to Robert about being caught having sex for the first time]]
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Amy: Robert, six months ago I asked you about our future and you freaked out and we broke up. Now you want to get married because of what your mother thinks?
Marie: Sometimes a mother knows best dear.
Amy: Sometimes a mother should just but out.
Frank: Hey Robert you got to marry this one.
Marie: I will not be talked to that way.
Amy: Look sorry. I had a very rough couple of days here. I wait my whole life for the right time and the right man to be my first and now a building has a petition against me. And the second time I'm with my first his mother walks in on us. And you want to get married just to make her happy, what is this hold she has on you?
Raymond: (Talking to Debra) See, it's not just me.
Amy: I can't even cry because if I dab my eyes my pants will fall down. So excuse me Marie, for not being polite! (Leaves for the door and turns around and talks to Marie) And by the way...sometimes the noodles in your lasanga are overcooked.
Marie: (turns to Robert) Clearly, that is not the girl for you.
Marie: Sometimes a mother knows best dear.
Amy: Sometimes a mother should just but out.
Frank: Hey Robert you got to marry this one.
Marie: I will not be talked to that way.
Amy: Look sorry. I had a very rough couple of days here. I wait my whole life for the right time and the right man to be my first and now a building has a petition against me. And the second time I'm with my first his mother walks in on us. And you want to get married just to make her happy, what is this hold she has on you?
Raymond: (Talking to Debra) See, it's not just me.
Amy: I can't even cry because if I dab my eyes my pants will fall down. So excuse me Marie, for not being polite! (Leaves for the door and turns around and talks to Marie) And by the way...sometimes the noodles in your lasanga are overcooked.
Marie: (turns to Robert) Clearly, that is not the girl for you.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank Barone: ...not a day goes by that I don't wish there was a comet screaming towards Earth to bring me sweet relief..
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[After Marie accidentally burns Robert's lucky suit]
Marie: You don't need a lucky suit, you're a wonderful boy.
Frank: And you are a wonderful ironer.
Marie: You don't need a lucky suit, you're a wonderful boy.
Frank: And you are a wonderful ironer.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Marie and Frank get into a fight over who ate the two cannolis]
Frank: Pick it [the bible] up and tell us what happened to those cannolis!
Marie: Oh, shut up!
Frank: (points at her) Thou shalt not eat the cannoli!!
Frank: Pick it [the bible] up and tell us what happened to those cannolis!
Marie: Oh, shut up!
Frank: (points at her) Thou shalt not eat the cannoli!!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Debra upset Ray taped football over wedding video]
Ray: Something must be wrong here.
Debra: Oh my god, you taped football over my wedding! What did you do Ray? What the hell did you do?
Ray: Alright, don't get excited.
Debra: What, it's football, its still football Ray!
Ray: Yeah, but it's the Bills/Giants superbowl.
Debra: [snatches remote from Ray] I don't care you give me that. {Fast forwards tape] Oh my god, look at this! My god its the whole thing Ray.
Ray: The kids must have done it.
Debra: Oh yeah, the kids taped football Ray, the last thing they put in the VCR was lemon chicken!
Ray: I would never do that because I love your lemon chicken...
Debra: Shut up! I want my wedding this is football.
Ray: You want me to....
Debra: No, you give me my wedding back.
Ray: I don't know what happened. The taped must have not been marked correctly.
Debra: Oh the tape wasn't marked correctly, you don't think the tape was marked correctly. What is this Ray?! What is this big white label that says "Our Wedding" in gold trim?
Ray: Did it always say that.
Ray: Something must be wrong here.
Debra: Oh my god, you taped football over my wedding! What did you do Ray? What the hell did you do?
Ray: Alright, don't get excited.
Debra: What, it's football, its still football Ray!
Ray: Yeah, but it's the Bills/Giants superbowl.
Debra: [snatches remote from Ray] I don't care you give me that. {Fast forwards tape] Oh my god, look at this! My god its the whole thing Ray.
Ray: The kids must have done it.
Debra: Oh yeah, the kids taped football Ray, the last thing they put in the VCR was lemon chicken!
Ray: I would never do that because I love your lemon chicken...
Debra: Shut up! I want my wedding this is football.
Ray: You want me to....
Debra: No, you give me my wedding back.
Ray: I don't know what happened. The taped must have not been marked correctly.
Debra: Oh the tape wasn't marked correctly, you don't think the tape was marked correctly. What is this Ray?! What is this big white label that says "Our Wedding" in gold trim?
Ray: Did it always say that.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie: Put some cream on that head, you're gonna be in pain later!
Frank: I've been in pain since the wedding!
Frank: I've been in pain since the wedding!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie: Your father's been bringing home useless junk for forty years.
Frank: You were item #1.
Frank: You were item #1.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank: Oh my pinkie! It hurts! The keys are too hard!
Marie: Oh stop Ray, I'm trying to heat up soup from a can. It's very tricky.
Frank: Who cares pay more attention to me! I'm a whiny needy baby! Oooohhhhh
Marie: You never help me out around here, idiot.
Marie: Oh stop Ray, I'm trying to heat up soup from a can. It's very tricky.
Frank: Who cares pay more attention to me! I'm a whiny needy baby! Oooohhhhh
Marie: You never help me out around here, idiot.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank: What did you call me "dawg" for?!
Robert: That's a nice thing dad, you say it to people, it means "I Like You."
Frank: Oh really? Well from now on I'm calling you "Jackass."
Marie: Frank!
Frank: That's a good thing, it means "He's Great."
Ray: Hey.
Frank: Hey ugly.
Ray: What.
Frank: It's Robert Talk, it means "you're good lookin'"(turns to Marie) Hey good lookin.'
Robert: That's a nice thing dad, you say it to people, it means "I Like You."
Frank: Oh really? Well from now on I'm calling you "Jackass."
Marie: Frank!
Frank: That's a good thing, it means "He's Great."
Ray: Hey.
Frank: Hey ugly.
Ray: What.
Frank: It's Robert Talk, it means "you're good lookin'"(turns to Marie) Hey good lookin.'
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie: (to Robert) You know that you're killing me, Robby. Do you even care that you're killing me?
Robert: Ma ...
Marie: Dig a grave and throw me in.
Frank: I've got a shovel.
Robert: Ma ...
Marie: Dig a grave and throw me in.
Frank: I've got a shovel.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Debra: Where's my tape recorder Ray. Where's my tape recorder when I was in labor with the twins for thirty-six hours and you was asking the nurse does the tv get ESPN.
Ray: Thirty-six hours is not a very short time.
Debra: Yeah, its even longer when you're trying to push two human beings out of your body and the husband goes does this hospital have fudgescicles. Or you ask me when I get upset when I find your underwear in the kitchen, or who starting snoring at my grandmother's funeral, or when you taped a football game over our wedding video!
Ray: You're sure you need a tape recorder because you seem to remember everything.
Ray: Thirty-six hours is not a very short time.
Debra: Yeah, its even longer when you're trying to push two human beings out of your body and the husband goes does this hospital have fudgescicles. Or you ask me when I get upset when I find your underwear in the kitchen, or who starting snoring at my grandmother's funeral, or when you taped a football game over our wedding video!
Ray: You're sure you need a tape recorder because you seem to remember everything.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie: Don't listen to him Raymond, you and I are not like him.
Frank: What are you talking about you hate plenty of people.
Marie: I do not hate people Frank.
Frank: Oh yeah, what about my mother? You hated her like poison.
Marie: First of all I did not hate her. I felt sorry for her.
Frank: What about Harriet Lichtman?
Marie: I find Harriet Lichtman's flirtatious behavior towards you distasteful, but I do not hate that slut.
Frank: What are you talking about you hate plenty of people.
Marie: I do not hate people Frank.
Frank: Oh yeah, what about my mother? You hated her like poison.
Marie: First of all I did not hate her. I felt sorry for her.
Frank: What about Harriet Lichtman?
Marie: I find Harriet Lichtman's flirtatious behavior towards you distasteful, but I do not hate that slut.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Natasha: Ray's here?
Debra: Oh, uh, yes, he's upstairs putting the kids to bed.
Natasha: Kids? What kids?
Debra: How do you...wait how do you know Ray?
Natasha: We met at a bar.
Marie: What do you mean, through Robert?
Natasha: No, no, no, I met Robert through Ray because Ray and I are kind of dating.
Frank: Holy crap!
Debra: Wait a minute, what?!
Natasha: Is there a problem.
Debra: Um, No there's no problem I'm surprised that my husband has time to date.
Natasha: What?! You're his wife. Ray said you were dead.
Frank: Holy crap!
Debra: Oh, uh, yes, he's upstairs putting the kids to bed.
Natasha: Kids? What kids?
Debra: How do you...wait how do you know Ray?
Natasha: We met at a bar.
Marie: What do you mean, through Robert?
Natasha: No, no, no, I met Robert through Ray because Ray and I are kind of dating.
Frank: Holy crap!
Debra: Wait a minute, what?!
Natasha: Is there a problem.
Debra: Um, No there's no problem I'm surprised that my husband has time to date.
Natasha: What?! You're his wife. Ray said you were dead.
Frank: Holy crap!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Debra: Hi Marie, who was that?
Marie: That's for Robbie. So how was your night?
Debra: It was just a great lecture, I learned so much about the amazon. Linda's cousin wrote this book and he's a terrific speaker. How are the kids?
Marie: Oh they're fine. They don't know.
Debra: Know what?
Marie: About you and Raymond going your separate ways tonight.
Debra: Marie its no big deal, Ray didn't want to come to the bookstore so he just did what he wanted.
Marie: I guess what they call an open marriage.
Debra: Come on Marie, you go without Frank once in a while.
Marie: That's not an open marriage that's escape.
Marie: That's for Robbie. So how was your night?
Debra: It was just a great lecture, I learned so much about the amazon. Linda's cousin wrote this book and he's a terrific speaker. How are the kids?
Marie: Oh they're fine. They don't know.
Debra: Know what?
Marie: About you and Raymond going your separate ways tonight.
Debra: Marie its no big deal, Ray didn't want to come to the bookstore so he just did what he wanted.
Marie: I guess what they call an open marriage.
Debra: Come on Marie, you go without Frank once in a while.
Marie: That's not an open marriage that's escape.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Debra: Last week Ray came home late from golfing and I guess golf is kind of a hot button issue with me and we had a fight.
Pamela: Ray do you remember this?
Ray: I do I shot a 94.
Pamela: Go ahead Debra.
Debra: I had all the kids, and I was expecting him home at two and he didn't show up until five o' clock and his explanation for why it took so long was that his friend Gianni wanted to pet a deer.
Pamela: Ray do you remember this?
Ray: I do I shot a 94.
Pamela: Go ahead Debra.
Debra: I had all the kids, and I was expecting him home at two and he didn't show up until five o' clock and his explanation for why it took so long was that his friend Gianni wanted to pet a deer.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank: (about Marie) Last time I told her to do something for her own good, it completely bit me in the ass.
Debra: Yeah? What was that?
Frank: I said, "marry me."
Debra: Yeah? What was that?
Frank: I said, "marry me."
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie: We had our cholesterol checked, and were very close to the danger zone.
Frank: Mine was lower than hers.
Marie: One point.
Frank: I'm still gonna live longer than you.
Marie: What, thirty seconds?
Frank: Thirty seconds in paradise!
Frank: Mine was lower than hers.
Marie: One point.
Frank: I'm still gonna live longer than you.
Marie: What, thirty seconds?
Frank: Thirty seconds in paradise!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[About Marie's glasses]
Debra: What did Frank say?
Marie: Nothing. He wouldn't notice anything new on me unless it was made of sausage.
Debra: What did Frank say?
Marie: Nothing. He wouldn't notice anything new on me unless it was made of sausage.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[About money]
Marie Barone: You're giving him back that money!
Frank Barone: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. You play with matches and you get burned.
[sticks check in front of Raymond]
Frank Barone: AND, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!
Marie Barone: You're giving him back that money!
Frank Barone: Like hell, I am! I want to teach him a lesson. You up the stakes, you lose a lot. You play with matches and you get burned.
[sticks check in front of Raymond]
Frank Barone: AND, THANK YOU, COME AGAIN!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Wedding invitations]
Robert: Hey Amy.
Amy: What did you do!?
Robert: What do you mean?
Amy: What did you do!? The invitations, my aunt Lynn got this in the mail, what did you do!?
Robert: Oh my god, this was in the mail.
Amy: What did you do Robert!?
Robert: Nothing, nothing, this wasn't suppose to go out.
Debra: Wait a minute, what's the problem......oh my god!
Amy: I know! I couldn't even finish reading it because some woman screaming, and then I realized it was me!
Robert: The wedding planner lady was to print it out for you and you was suppose to look it over.
Amy: She said you said send it out!
Robert: No, I said print it out.
Amy: Well she sent it out!
Robert: Oh my god!
Marie: Amy! Oh my god!
Amy: I know, oh my god!
Marie: What happened to it?
Amy: Robert, Robert happened to it.
Robert: It wasn't suppose to go out!
Amy: Look at this! Hank 'N' Pat, 'N' Pat, 'N' Pat,they're not hillbillies Robert! "Hank 'N' Pat MacDougall request the honor of your "presents--"
Debra: Robert, you spelled "presents" like gifts!
Robert: It wasn't suppose to go out!
Amy: You even put the wrong date! It's the ninth not the sixth! People are gonna show up three days early!
Debra: And Robert what is this? "Attire Optional?!
Amy: It's black tie optional! Attire optional means maybe naked! They're going to be nude people! At a church! On a Wednesday!
Robert: It wasn't suppose to go out.
Robert: Hey Amy.
Amy: What did you do!?
Robert: What do you mean?
Amy: What did you do!? The invitations, my aunt Lynn got this in the mail, what did you do!?
Robert: Oh my god, this was in the mail.
Amy: What did you do Robert!?
Robert: Nothing, nothing, this wasn't suppose to go out.
Debra: Wait a minute, what's the problem......oh my god!
Amy: I know! I couldn't even finish reading it because some woman screaming, and then I realized it was me!
Robert: The wedding planner lady was to print it out for you and you was suppose to look it over.
Amy: She said you said send it out!
Robert: No, I said print it out.
Amy: Well she sent it out!
Robert: Oh my god!
Marie: Amy! Oh my god!
Amy: I know, oh my god!
Marie: What happened to it?
Amy: Robert, Robert happened to it.
Robert: It wasn't suppose to go out!
Amy: Look at this! Hank 'N' Pat, 'N' Pat, 'N' Pat,they're not hillbillies Robert! "Hank 'N' Pat MacDougall request the honor of your "presents--"
Debra: Robert, you spelled "presents" like gifts!
Robert: It wasn't suppose to go out!
Amy: You even put the wrong date! It's the ninth not the sixth! People are gonna show up three days early!
Debra: And Robert what is this? "Attire Optional?!
Amy: It's black tie optional! Attire optional means maybe naked! They're going to be nude people! At a church! On a Wednesday!
Robert: It wasn't suppose to go out.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond