Everybody Loves Raymond Quotes
Marie: Oooh, suddenly you have scruples.
Frank: I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.
Frank: I have scruples Marie. I've got scruples the size of basketballs.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Priest: ...There was a man on our church council a few years ago. A decent enough fellow but a little abrasive. Oblivious to anyone else's feelings. I used to fantasize about him converting to Judaism. I wanted to get him out of my hair. One day I said Frank...
Ray: Wait, the man's name was Frank?
Priest: That's not important. What's important is...
Ray: Frank Barone?
Priest: You know Frank Barone?!
Ray: He's my father!
Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!
Ray: Yes!!!
Priest: You're absolved.
Ray: What?
Priest: Our Lord forgives your thoughts.
Ray: Really?
Priest: Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.
Ray: Wait, the man's name was Frank?
Priest: That's not important. What's important is...
Ray: Frank Barone?
Priest: You know Frank Barone?!
Ray: He's my father!
Priest: Your parents are Frank and Marie Barone?!
Ray: Yes!!!
Priest: You're absolved.
Ray: What?
Priest: Our Lord forgives your thoughts.
Ray: Really?
Priest: Well, I could look it up but I'm almost positive.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray: So God made us smart enough to know there's an answer, but not smart enough to figure it out?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank: You want to know the meaning of life? You're born, you go to school, you go to work, you die. Marie... Canole
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Debra: This is what I have to put up with--your mother coming over here and telling me that I should make myself available to you!
Raymond: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did you just have sex with me because my mother told you to? (Wailing in disgust)Ewwwww!How sick isthat?!
Debra: Very!
Raymond: I'm thinking of my mother now!
Debra(getting grossed-out herself): Ewwwwww!
Raymond: Ewwwww! Why would you listen to her?
Debra: Because I love you, Ray! I care about you! I'm not the one running off to play golf to get away from me!
Raymond: You don't think I care about you? Why do you think I'm confessing? Don't you see, I feel guilty?! Guilt! That means love! I had to come home and confess!
Debra: Yeah, but you waited until after we had sex.
Raymond: Well, you're very good-looking!
Raymond: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did you just have sex with me because my mother told you to? (Wailing in disgust)Ewwwww!How sick isthat?!
Debra: Very!
Raymond: I'm thinking of my mother now!
Debra(getting grossed-out herself): Ewwwwww!
Raymond: Ewwwww! Why would you listen to her?
Debra: Because I love you, Ray! I care about you! I'm not the one running off to play golf to get away from me!
Raymond: You don't think I care about you? Why do you think I'm confessing? Don't you see, I feel guilty?! Guilt! That means love! I had to come home and confess!
Debra: Yeah, but you waited until after we had sex.
Raymond: Well, you're very good-looking!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[after reading an insulting letter from Debra to Marie]
Frank: Is this a petition? Where do I sign?
Frank: Is this a petition? Where do I sign?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Frank is showing Ray and Robert how to act at a Civil War Re-enactment.]
Frank: Okay, I was just about to show Robert how to act when you get shot.
Ray: What, like upset?
Frank: No, it's got to be realistic. Here, let me show you. Robert, make a gunshot noise.
Robert: What caliber, .22 or .45?
Frank: Ray.
Ray: Bang.
[Frank grabs his chest and backs off.]
Frank: [yelling] I'm hit! Keep fighting, men. Kill those rebel bastards!
[Frank backs away some more, in an overly dramatic pose and after a few seconds lies still.]
Frank: Abigail. Dear Abigail, my pretty non-nagging Civil War wife.
[Frank gurgles and then finishes his acting by rolling his eyes. Ray and Robert stare on in disbelief. Frank gets up.]
Frank: See? Getting shot is fun.
Ray: Not if you're watching.
Frank: Okay, I was just about to show Robert how to act when you get shot.
Ray: What, like upset?
Frank: No, it's got to be realistic. Here, let me show you. Robert, make a gunshot noise.
Robert: What caliber, .22 or .45?
Frank: Ray.
Ray: Bang.
[Frank grabs his chest and backs off.]
Frank: [yelling] I'm hit! Keep fighting, men. Kill those rebel bastards!
[Frank backs away some more, in an overly dramatic pose and after a few seconds lies still.]
Frank: Abigail. Dear Abigail, my pretty non-nagging Civil War wife.
[Frank gurgles and then finishes his acting by rolling his eyes. Ray and Robert stare on in disbelief. Frank gets up.]
Frank: See? Getting shot is fun.
Ray: Not if you're watching.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Raymond: Do me a favor, huh? I've been payin' the bills for the last couple of weeks. I got this (hands a paper to Andy) from the electric company. Take a look at that. (Andy reads it)
Andy: They're turning off your service.
Raymond: Yeah, why? I don't get it. I paid all this stuff six weeks ago.
Andy: Can I ask you something? Why are you handling the checkbook? Did Debra leave you?
Raymond: She made such a big deal about paying the bills. I'm just trying to show her that it doesn't have to be that complicated.
Andy: Yeah, well, no electricity is less complicated. You're like the Amish now.
Raymond(handing Andy the checkbook and various other bills): Here, take a look at this stuff. I paid all these bills; there's no reason they should be sending me mean letters.
Andy: Well, here's why. Your check bounced.
Raymond: What?
Andy: Wow! You bounced many checks here! You bounced 13 checks and were charged $300 in penalties! Excellent work!
Raymond: What do you mean? I sent those checks myself!
Andy: Checks that didn't clear, Ray. You might as well have sent them little pieces of toilet paper.
Raymond(still not getting it): But I make more than enough money.
Andy: Well, mazel tov to you. (looking further) You're $3000 overdrawn here. You didn't even open your bank statement!
Raymond: I trusted the bank!
Andy(incredulous): You didn't reconcile your checkbook?
Raymond: (barely keeping track): Huh?
Andy(frustrated): You have to keep track, Ray! What did you do here? Why'd you pay so much on your Visa card?
Raymond: I'm not gonna pay interest charges! You pay in full, no interest charges.
Andy: They're turning off your service.
Raymond: Yeah, why? I don't get it. I paid all this stuff six weeks ago.
Andy: Can I ask you something? Why are you handling the checkbook? Did Debra leave you?
Raymond: She made such a big deal about paying the bills. I'm just trying to show her that it doesn't have to be that complicated.
Andy: Yeah, well, no electricity is less complicated. You're like the Amish now.
Raymond(handing Andy the checkbook and various other bills): Here, take a look at this stuff. I paid all these bills; there's no reason they should be sending me mean letters.
Andy: Well, here's why. Your check bounced.
Raymond: What?
Andy: Wow! You bounced many checks here! You bounced 13 checks and were charged $300 in penalties! Excellent work!
Raymond: What do you mean? I sent those checks myself!
Andy: Checks that didn't clear, Ray. You might as well have sent them little pieces of toilet paper.
Raymond(still not getting it): But I make more than enough money.
Andy: Well, mazel tov to you. (looking further) You're $3000 overdrawn here. You didn't even open your bank statement!
Raymond: I trusted the bank!
Andy(incredulous): You didn't reconcile your checkbook?
Raymond: (barely keeping track): Huh?
Andy(frustrated): You have to keep track, Ray! What did you do here? Why'd you pay so much on your Visa card?
Raymond: I'm not gonna pay interest charges! You pay in full, no interest charges.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Debra: Look, I've gone through your checkbook, and I've gone through your fake checkbook, and it's just not adding up.
Raymond: Yeah, I know what that might be... (produces another checkbook)
Debra(incredulous): A third checkbook?
Raymond: Yeah, I...accidentally bounced a check in the fake one.
Debra: What check did you bounce?
Raymond: I don't know which one, it might've been-- (the house lights go out) Yeah, that was it.
Raymond: Yeah, I know what that might be... (produces another checkbook)
Debra(incredulous): A third checkbook?
Raymond: Yeah, I...accidentally bounced a check in the fake one.
Debra: What check did you bounce?
Raymond: I don't know which one, it might've been-- (the house lights go out) Yeah, that was it.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert: You hit my patrol car!
Frank: I'm your father! I don't care if I killed a guy; you're supposed to look the other way!
Raymond: Dad, whatever you do, I wanna look the other way.
Robert: I can't look the other way anymore! You drive like a maniac!
Debra: Frank, how did you hit Robert's patrol car?
Robert: My partner comes to pick me up, and Dad backs out of the driveway without looking!
Frank: That car shouldn't have been there!
Robert: On the street?
Frank(pleading): Just lie! Say you never saw the guy!
Robert: I can't do that, Dad!
Frank: Why not?
Robert: Because I have a moral obligation as a police officer, and I almost got caught lying for you the last time!. Now let me see your license!
Frank: Sorry, Sally, I'm fightin' this!
Robert: There is black and white on the side of your car!
Frank(yelling): I HIT A PENGUIN!
Robert(yelling himself): I'M WRITING THE TICKET!(He sits down at the kitchen table and begins furiously scribbling in his ticket book.)
Frank: FINE! THAT'S "BARONE!" B-A-R-O-N-E, AS IN "THE MAN FROM WHOSE LOINS YOU SPRUNG!"
Frank: I'm your father! I don't care if I killed a guy; you're supposed to look the other way!
Raymond: Dad, whatever you do, I wanna look the other way.
Robert: I can't look the other way anymore! You drive like a maniac!
Debra: Frank, how did you hit Robert's patrol car?
Robert: My partner comes to pick me up, and Dad backs out of the driveway without looking!
Frank: That car shouldn't have been there!
Robert: On the street?
Frank(pleading): Just lie! Say you never saw the guy!
Robert: I can't do that, Dad!
Frank: Why not?
Robert: Because I have a moral obligation as a police officer, and I almost got caught lying for you the last time!. Now let me see your license!
Frank: Sorry, Sally, I'm fightin' this!
Robert: There is black and white on the side of your car!
Frank(yelling): I HIT A PENGUIN!
Robert(yelling himself): I'M WRITING THE TICKET!(He sits down at the kitchen table and begins furiously scribbling in his ticket book.)
Frank: FINE! THAT'S "BARONE!" B-A-R-O-N-E, AS IN "THE MAN FROM WHOSE LOINS YOU SPRUNG!"
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert: So everybody has to do what Raymond wants, right? New sheets for Raymond! Brownies for Raymond! Can't sleep naked around Raymond!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank: Ray, I am going to give you the secret to marital bliss.
Marie: After you give it to him, why don't you let me in on it?
Frank: You see, son, when your mother got pregnant with Robert, the hormones turned her into a nut case. She'd cry for no reason. Two seconds later, she'd want to cuddle! She was, like, demented!
Marie: That's not true!
Frank: You were always grabbin' at me!
Marie: I was pregnant with a 14-pound baby! I needed help getting up!
Frank: Nonetheless, did it bother me? No! Because you cannot get upset with a crazy person! I decided from that day on never to waste time trying to understand your mother. I just accept that she's insane!
Marie: After you give it to him, why don't you let me in on it?
Frank: You see, son, when your mother got pregnant with Robert, the hormones turned her into a nut case. She'd cry for no reason. Two seconds later, she'd want to cuddle! She was, like, demented!
Marie: That's not true!
Frank: You were always grabbin' at me!
Marie: I was pregnant with a 14-pound baby! I needed help getting up!
Frank: Nonetheless, did it bother me? No! Because you cannot get upset with a crazy person! I decided from that day on never to waste time trying to understand your mother. I just accept that she's insane!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert: Well, I suppose you heard my wonderful news.
Debra(trying to inject some cheer): Yeah, three more weeks.
Robert(dour): Three more weeks.
Debra(even more cheerful): No, listen...three more weeks!
Robert: Well, when you say it like that...Here, let me try. (with the same overdone optimism as Debra, but it sounds caustic from him)Bubonic plague!
Debra(trying to inject some cheer): Yeah, three more weeks.
Robert(dour): Three more weeks.
Debra(even more cheerful): No, listen...three more weeks!
Robert: Well, when you say it like that...Here, let me try. (with the same overdone optimism as Debra, but it sounds caustic from him)Bubonic plague!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank Barone: Nice. I tried it once. Didn't care for it.
Marie Barone: Did the same happen with smart?
Marie Barone: Did the same happen with smart?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: Do you remember me having any dreams when I was a kid?
Frank Barone: I remember you wetting the bed.
Ray Barone: No, I mean, do you remember what I wanted to be?
Frank Barone: Dry?
Frank Barone: I remember you wetting the bed.
Ray Barone: No, I mean, do you remember what I wanted to be?
Frank Barone: Dry?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie: Oh, my God. Robert's in a cult!
Robert: It's not a cult, Ma.
Frank: Then why the hell did you hug me?
Robert: It made me happy!
Marie: Oh my God, he's in a cult!
Robert: It's not a cult! It's just a bunch of people who want to see me happy, who happen to care about me!
Maire: You have that here, you stupid ass!
Robert: It's not a cult, Ma.
Frank: Then why the hell did you hug me?
Robert: It made me happy!
Marie: Oh my God, he's in a cult!
Robert: It's not a cult! It's just a bunch of people who want to see me happy, who happen to care about me!
Maire: You have that here, you stupid ass!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert Barone: Hey, ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these bread sticks for free.
Marie Barone: These look old.
Frank Barone: You are what you eat.
Marie Barone: Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard.
Marie Barone: These look old.
Frank Barone: You are what you eat.
Marie Barone: Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Raymond and Debra are planning their wedding in a flashback]
Ray Barone: You're already planning the wedding?
Debra Barone: I've been planning it since I was 12.
Ray Barone: But you didn't meet me until you were 22.
Debra Barone: Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.
Ray Barone: You're already planning the wedding?
Debra Barone: I've been planning it since I was 12.
Ray Barone: But you didn't meet me until you were 22.
Debra Barone: Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert Barone: How about when you used to go to school and mom would follow you there.
Ray Barone: What? That was mom? Oh my god! The crazy tree lady! I used to have nightmares about her.
Ray Barone: What? That was mom? Oh my god! The crazy tree lady! I used to have nightmares about her.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: Don't you tell me to be quiet! I have a mind of my own you know! I can contribute! I'm not just some... trophy wife!
Frank Barone: You're a trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?
Frank Barone: You're a trophy wife? What contest in hell did I win?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Debra Barone: I never thought I'd miss our little apartment.
Ray Barone: C'mon, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy.
Debra Barone: Yeah, your parents would only visit once every other month.
Ray Barone: I loved that place.
Debra Barone: Yeah, I know.
Ray Barone: C'mon, that apartment was tiny and cramped and noisy.
Debra Barone: Yeah, your parents would only visit once every other month.
Ray Barone: I loved that place.
Debra Barone: Yeah, I know.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: You ordered this Frank.
Frank Barone: Why do you assume it's me?
Marie Barone: Because you're the one who wants to kill me.
Frank Barone: Ok. But I still didn't order this.
Frank Barone: Why do you assume it's me?
Marie Barone: Because you're the one who wants to kill me.
Frank Barone: Ok. But I still didn't order this.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: One day you'll turn around, and I won't be there!
Ray Barone: [Spins completely around] Not today!
Ray Barone: [Spins completely around] Not today!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Marie, Frank and Robert have just walked in on Ray and Debra about to have sex on the couch.]
Debra Barone: What are you doing here?
Marie Barone: What are you doing here?
Debra Barone: We live here!
Debra Barone: What are you doing here?
Marie Barone: What are you doing here?
Debra Barone: We live here!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Debra Barone: It's not about winning and losing.
Ray Barone: You know who says that? The loser.
Debra Barone: Lot's of people say that.
Ray Barone: Oh, c'mon, it's like the title to the Loser Handbook.
Ray Barone: You know who says that? The loser.
Debra Barone: Lot's of people say that.
Ray Barone: Oh, c'mon, it's like the title to the Loser Handbook.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: I don't lose things, Frank. I'm organized.
Frank Barone: Not organized, insane! She's got a shoebox labeled pieces of string too small to use.
Frank Barone: Not organized, insane! She's got a shoebox labeled pieces of string too small to use.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert Barone: That is so whack!
Ray Barone: Okay see right there... we're Italian. Whack means something else to us.
Ray Barone: Okay see right there... we're Italian. Whack means something else to us.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: Who keeps pornography for 29 years?
Frank Barone: Anyone married to you.
Frank Barone: Anyone married to you.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert Barone: I could of been a pretty good hockey player. I was big, I had the toughness, good hand-eye coordination.
Ray Barone: Yeah, but eventually you would've had to let go of the side.
Ray Barone: Yeah, but eventually you would've had to let go of the side.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond