Everybody Loves Raymond Quotes
[Robert is talking to Father Hubley.]
Father Hubley: I can understand why it bothers you. But, it's quite normal to have thoughts of your parents dying.
Robert Barone: Did I mention the part about the sandwiches?
Father Hubley: I can understand why it bothers you. But, it's quite normal to have thoughts of your parents dying.
Robert Barone: Did I mention the part about the sandwiches?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[[Ray is trying to get Debra to have sex with him.]
Ray Barone: How about a little--
Debra Barone: Oh, god. I don't feel so well.
Ray Barone: You usually don't say that until after.
Debra Barone: No, I mean it Ray, stay away from me. Oh, god, I'm so hot.
Ray Barone: I'm getting all these mixed signals.
Ray Barone: How about a little--
Debra Barone: Oh, god. I don't feel so well.
Ray Barone: You usually don't say that until after.
Debra Barone: No, I mean it Ray, stay away from me. Oh, god, I'm so hot.
Ray Barone: I'm getting all these mixed signals.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[[Ray is interviewing somebody, we don't see who.]
Ray Barone: I'm glad we finally got some time to do this. I know we've both been very busy. Okay, so tell me; of all the places you've played where would you say is your favourite?
Ally Barone: In my room.
Ray Barone: Okay. Have you ever seen Mommy kiss the cable man?
Ray Barone: I'm glad we finally got some time to do this. I know we've both been very busy. Okay, so tell me; of all the places you've played where would you say is your favourite?
Ally Barone: In my room.
Ray Barone: Okay. Have you ever seen Mommy kiss the cable man?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Frank is reading a newspaper at the dinner table. Marie snatches the paper from him.]
Marie Barone: Don't read at the table.
Frank Barone: I didn't finish!
Marie Barone: And stop playing with your hair. You're going to make it fall out.
Frank Barone: You can stop worrying about my hair, because I'm going to shave the rest off.
Marie Barone: What?
Frank Barone: That's right, I'm shaving my head.
Marie Barone: Oh, that's asinine.
Frank Barone: It's not asinine, it's hip.
[Ray walks in.]
Ray Barone: Hey, I'm out of milk.
Marie Barone: Want to hear the latest? Your father wants to shave his head.
Ray Barone: [chuckles] Why don't you just stick your head out the car window?
Frank Barone: Where's my razor?
Marie Barone: Oh, sit down. We do not shave our heads in this house.
Frank Barone: It's my house, and it's my head.
Marie Barone: I'm not going to be seen with you like that.
Frank Barone: Another advantage!
Marie Barone: That's it! I'm hiding all the razors.
[Marie leaves.]
Ray Barone: You're not really going to shave your head, are you?
Frank Barone: [picks up the paper] Of course not. I just want to read the paper.
Marie Barone: Don't read at the table.
Frank Barone: I didn't finish!
Marie Barone: And stop playing with your hair. You're going to make it fall out.
Frank Barone: You can stop worrying about my hair, because I'm going to shave the rest off.
Marie Barone: What?
Frank Barone: That's right, I'm shaving my head.
Marie Barone: Oh, that's asinine.
Frank Barone: It's not asinine, it's hip.
[Ray walks in.]
Ray Barone: Hey, I'm out of milk.
Marie Barone: Want to hear the latest? Your father wants to shave his head.
Ray Barone: [chuckles] Why don't you just stick your head out the car window?
Frank Barone: Where's my razor?
Marie Barone: Oh, sit down. We do not shave our heads in this house.
Frank Barone: It's my house, and it's my head.
Marie Barone: I'm not going to be seen with you like that.
Frank Barone: Another advantage!
Marie Barone: That's it! I'm hiding all the razors.
[Marie leaves.]
Ray Barone: You're not really going to shave your head, are you?
Frank Barone: [picks up the paper] Of course not. I just want to read the paper.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Raymond has just talked Robert into moving out.]
Marie Barone: Why did you stick your nose into our affairs?
[Frank enters, not know what they're talking about.]
Marie Barone: Who gave you the right?
Frank Barone: Yeah, how dare you!
Marie Barone: Why did you stick your nose into our affairs?
[Frank enters, not know what they're talking about.]
Marie Barone: Who gave you the right?
Frank Barone: Yeah, how dare you!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: Guess what I'm doing tonight? Going to see a movie.
Robert Barone: What's wrong with that?
Ray Barone: Debra's movie. Yeah, the one with the mother who has the disease and the daughter who learns to care about the mother who has the disease. Huh, who wants to see that sniffle bag? I want to see the one with the guy with the gun and the car chases and the nudity that has no meaning.
Robert Barone: I saw that one. It was good.
Ray Barone: Sure, rub it in. Why don't you spank a supermodel in front of me?
Robert Barone: What's wrong with that?
Ray Barone: Debra's movie. Yeah, the one with the mother who has the disease and the daughter who learns to care about the mother who has the disease. Huh, who wants to see that sniffle bag? I want to see the one with the guy with the gun and the car chases and the nudity that has no meaning.
Robert Barone: I saw that one. It was good.
Ray Barone: Sure, rub it in. Why don't you spank a supermodel in front of me?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Frank and Marie enter Ray's house.]
Frank Barone: You got any grout? I need grout.
Marie Barone: Don't give it to him, he wants to destroy Robbie's room.
Ray Barone: Why?
Frank Barone: I'm building myself a lounge. A big lounge. I'm gonna call it Frank's Lounge.
Marie Barone: Lounge? He wants to make a giant bathroom for himself. We're leaving Robbie's room the way it is for when he comes back.
Frank Barone: He's not coming back. He's happy where he is.
Marie Barone: Bite your tongue. With any hope now he's miserable.
Frank Barone: Fine. I'll turn Ray's room into a lounge. He's not coming back.
Marie Barone: You never know.
Frank Barone: You got any grout? I need grout.
Marie Barone: Don't give it to him, he wants to destroy Robbie's room.
Ray Barone: Why?
Frank Barone: I'm building myself a lounge. A big lounge. I'm gonna call it Frank's Lounge.
Marie Barone: Lounge? He wants to make a giant bathroom for himself. We're leaving Robbie's room the way it is for when he comes back.
Frank Barone: He's not coming back. He's happy where he is.
Marie Barone: Bite your tongue. With any hope now he's miserable.
Frank Barone: Fine. I'll turn Ray's room into a lounge. He's not coming back.
Marie Barone: You never know.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank Barone: Kids flushing stuff down the toilet? They're not getting into Frank's Lounge. The rule is: no kids, no wives.
Marie Barone: I can't go in there at all?
Frank Barone: Alright. Tuesday is Ladies' Night. Bring your scrub brush.
Marie Barone: I can't go in there at all?
Frank Barone: Alright. Tuesday is Ladies' Night. Bring your scrub brush.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Ray and Debra are going over their bills.]
Debra Barone: According to this, we can afford a car phone.
Ray Barone: No. No car phone.
Debra Barone: Why? Why do you fight technology?
Ray Barone: I'm against technology?
Debra Barone: Yeah.
Ray Barone: Who introduced you to Wonderbra?
Debra Barone: According to this, we can afford a car phone.
Ray Barone: No. No car phone.
Debra Barone: Why? Why do you fight technology?
Ray Barone: I'm against technology?
Debra Barone: Yeah.
Ray Barone: Who introduced you to Wonderbra?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: All three kids asleep. You thought I couldn't get Ally to take a nap.
Debra Barone: Good job, honey.
Ray Barone: Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.
Debra Barone: Good job, honey.
Ray Barone: Yeah. By the way, tomorrow we have to buy a pony.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Debra Barone: Would you look at this great big stain here? The carpet guy swore up and down that he could get it out.
Ray Barone: I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you.
[Ray starts reading the newspaper.]
Debra Barone: You better be looking at jewlery ads.
Ray Barone: I don't want to hear about stains. The kids are asleep, the house is quiet. Now it's quality time. Just me and you.
[Ray starts reading the newspaper.]
Debra Barone: You better be looking at jewlery ads.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Marie barges into the house.]
Marie Barone: Your father has finally done it.
Ray Barone: What's that, learned to buckle his pants?
Marie Barone: Your father has finally done it.
Ray Barone: What's that, learned to buckle his pants?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Ray runs up to Debra.]
Ray Barone: Deb, take a look at this. I was working out. I was doing some power crunches and I found this lump here. [holds where his ribs are.] What the hell is this? This is something here. This is not... [moves his hand to the rib on the opposite side.] I got another one. It's a set. That's okay. I'm all right. Don't worry about it.
[Ray leaves the room.]
Debra Barone: Freak.
Ray Barone: Deb, take a look at this. I was working out. I was doing some power crunches and I found this lump here. [holds where his ribs are.] What the hell is this? This is something here. This is not... [moves his hand to the rib on the opposite side.] I got another one. It's a set. That's okay. I'm all right. Don't worry about it.
[Ray leaves the room.]
Debra Barone: Freak.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Debra Barone: Don't you get sick of always going to our parents houses for Thanksgiving every year?
Ray Barone: Yeah. Oh, The Witness Protection Program! We go underground this year.
Ray Barone: Yeah. Oh, The Witness Protection Program! We go underground this year.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: Hey, things are uneven now.
Debra Barone: What?
Ray Barone: You know about me and my first time. What about you? Where were you?
Debra Barone: Honey, come on. We talked about this. You never wanted to hear about it. You said it would make you uncomfortable.
Ray Barone: Come on, where were you? I can take it. I just watched you go through this.
Debra Barone: No, it's going to bother you too much.
Ray Barone: So what if it bothers me? What's the worst that could happen?
Debra Barone: Look, for one, you're never gonna want to go in a supermarket again.
Debra Barone: What?
Ray Barone: You know about me and my first time. What about you? Where were you?
Debra Barone: Honey, come on. We talked about this. You never wanted to hear about it. You said it would make you uncomfortable.
Ray Barone: Come on, where were you? I can take it. I just watched you go through this.
Debra Barone: No, it's going to bother you too much.
Ray Barone: So what if it bothers me? What's the worst that could happen?
Debra Barone: Look, for one, you're never gonna want to go in a supermarket again.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Frank runs into Ray's house with some pants in his hand.]
Frank Barone: Debra, I gotta use your dryer. Ours is out of whack and I've got a handball game in two hours. I can't tell if Marie washed these or if they're still damp from Tuesday's game.
[Ray enters.]
Ray Barone: Dad, what are you doing here?
Debra Barone: He's waiting for his shorts to dry.
[Ray takes a look at Frank and looks confused.]
Debra Barone: His handball shorts are in the dryer, Ray.
Ray Barone: Oh, Handball, all right. I was way off there.
Frank Barone: Debra, I gotta use your dryer. Ours is out of whack and I've got a handball game in two hours. I can't tell if Marie washed these or if they're still damp from Tuesday's game.
[Ray enters.]
Ray Barone: Dad, what are you doing here?
Debra Barone: He's waiting for his shorts to dry.
[Ray takes a look at Frank and looks confused.]
Debra Barone: His handball shorts are in the dryer, Ray.
Ray Barone: Oh, Handball, all right. I was way off there.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Debra Barone: Ray, listen, Ally drew a picture of our family and she wants to put it on the fridge. Look at it. There's Ally and the twins, and there's you and me and... look at your parents.
Ray Barone: Oh, she made them giants. With sharp teeth and claws.
Debra Barone: And they're attacking our house.
Ray Barone: She's very perceptive.
Debra Barone: We can't put this on the fridge. Your parents are going to see it.
[Ally walks in.]
Ally Barone: Do you like my picture, daddy?
Ray Barone: Yes, I do, sweetie. How come you made Grandma and Grandpa look so scary?
Ally Barone: That's not Grandma and Grandpa. Those are Halloween monsters.
Ray Barone: Oh, she made them giants. With sharp teeth and claws.
Debra Barone: And they're attacking our house.
Ray Barone: She's very perceptive.
Debra Barone: We can't put this on the fridge. Your parents are going to see it.
[Ally walks in.]
Ally Barone: Do you like my picture, daddy?
Ray Barone: Yes, I do, sweetie. How come you made Grandma and Grandpa look so scary?
Ally Barone: That's not Grandma and Grandpa. Those are Halloween monsters.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Ray, Andy and Doug are looking at a newspaper.]
Andy: So none of these are real massages?
Doug Heffernan: Andy, why would a real masseuse have a black bar across her eyes?
Ray Barone: You know why? The black matches her whip.
Andy: So all of this is sex?
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, it's sex.
Andy: And these prices are very reasonable.
Andy: So none of these are real massages?
Doug Heffernan: Andy, why would a real masseuse have a black bar across her eyes?
Ray Barone: You know why? The black matches her whip.
Andy: So all of this is sex?
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, it's sex.
Andy: And these prices are very reasonable.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Ray is telling his parents off for lying to him.]
Robert Barone: What's going on?
Ray Barone: They've been lying to us our whole lives to make us feel better.
Robert Barone: When did that happen to me?
Robert Barone: What's going on?
Ray Barone: They've been lying to us our whole lives to make us feel better.
Robert Barone: When did that happen to me?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: You should see your brother sitting over there with the dog. It is so sad. Your father's trying everything to get him to snap out of it.
Ray Barone: What's he doing?
Marie Barone: He's yelling, "Snap out of it".
Ray Barone: What's he doing?
Marie Barone: He's yelling, "Snap out of it".
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: Is this how you raise your daughter?
Ray Barone: I've told you before, when the game is on, she's Debra's daughter.
Ray Barone: I've told you before, when the game is on, she's Debra's daughter.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Doug Heffernan: Being on TV is the easiest way to make money.
Andy: Easier than the $40 I got when you couldn't do seven pushups?
Doug Heffernan: It was ten, Andy. I couldn't do ten pushups.
Andy: It doesn't matter because you stopped after two.
Andy: Easier than the $40 I got when you couldn't do seven pushups?
Doug Heffernan: It was ten, Andy. I couldn't do ten pushups.
Andy: It doesn't matter because you stopped after two.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
[Doug is trying to talk Ray into appearing on television.]
Ray Barone: I don't know. I'm more of a newspaper guy.
Doug Heffernan: Roy specifically asked for a newspaper guy. Or a Chinese person.
Ray Barone: I don't know. I'm more of a newspaper guy.
Doug Heffernan: Roy specifically asked for a newspaper guy. Or a Chinese person.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Robert Barone: Look, Debra, can you do me a favor? I'm calling Channel 11. Ask the lady which Twilight Zone is on tonight.
Debra Barone: Why don't you ask her that?
Robert Barone: She knows my voice.
Debra Barone: [on the phone] Yeah, hello. Can you tell me which episode of Twilight Zone is on tonight, please? Yeah, okay, thank you. [hangs up] Lady picks up a hitchhiker who turns out to be Death.
Robert Barone: That's a great one. You would think Death is a big guy. But he's a little guy. Genius.
Debra Barone: Why don't you ask her that?
Robert Barone: She knows my voice.
Debra Barone: [on the phone] Yeah, hello. Can you tell me which episode of Twilight Zone is on tonight, please? Yeah, okay, thank you. [hangs up] Lady picks up a hitchhiker who turns out to be Death.
Robert Barone: That's a great one. You would think Death is a big guy. But he's a little guy. Genius.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: I didn't say I had a problem with it, all right? I'm just trying to be nice.
Debra Barone: Yeah, fake nice.
Ray Barone: What's the difference?
Debra Barone: Yeah, fake nice.
Ray Barone: What's the difference?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: Kindness -- that's always been my motto.
Frank Barone: Hmm, that's a slightly different to your usual motto: "Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah."
Frank Barone: Hmm, that's a slightly different to your usual motto: "Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah."
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: I was just trying to have fun with you.
Debra Barone: You were trying to have sex with me.
Ray Barone: Sex is fun. Especially with me 'cause I whistle.
Debra Barone: You were trying to have sex with me.
Ray Barone: Sex is fun. Especially with me 'cause I whistle.
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Frank Barone: This is the most thoughtful gift I've ever received.
Marie Barone: What is it Frank?
Frank Barone: A piece of shrapnel!
Marie Barone: What is it Frank?
Frank Barone: A piece of shrapnel!
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Ray Barone: Michael called his teacher Mommy.
Ally Barone: Why, was she yelling?
Ally Barone: Why, was she yelling?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie Barone: We've been married 46 years. We've seen the lows and we've seen the highs.
Frank Barone: What day was the high?
Frank Barone: What day was the high?
TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond