Family Guy Quotes
Brian Griffin: [drunk and encouraging Peter's drinking] Go! Go! Go!
Lois Griffin: [entering the room] Peter, it's 6 o'clock in the morning!
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben. [Peter and Brian laugh]
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again!
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: [imitating Truman Capote] Audrey Hepburn not only looked like she didn't have Breakfast at Tiffany's, but that she hadn't eaten anything in a year! Oh, ho, ho. I'm such a bitch.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: [laughing]
Ms. Romano: Damn it Julie, I am not shacking up with my boyfriend, I am just going away for the weekend.
Schneider: Yeah! All, the a-way!
Brian Griffin: Whoo-hoo! Oh, damn Schneider what will you say?
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: And that's why I'm leaving.
Peter Griffin: Leaving? But you can't leave.
Brian Griffin: I have to Peter, for me. I love you all. [Everybody was sad]
Lois Griffin: Somebody, say something!
Stewie Griffin: [running] Brian wait! [He runs up to Brian]
Brian Griffin: Hold on a second. [Stewie spits on Brian's nose, leaves]
Brian Griffin: Airport please. [Car runs]
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about. [turns on TV]
Lois Griffin: Brian what... Chris go to your room. Meg take Stewie upstairs.
Stewie Griffin: Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Do you have a bathroom?
President of the New Yorker: Yes, follow me. [takes Brian to a room where there are sinks, but no toilets]
Brian Griffin: Um... where are the toilets?
President of the New Yorker: Oh, no one at the New Yorker has an anus.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter Griffin: Eh, I drift in and out.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Everyone, this is Tina.
Meg Griffin: What happened to you?
Brian Griffin: How about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up?
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!
Meg Griffin: Mom!
Lois Griffin: Now honey, your face smells fine.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: I'm just a dog, Lois. A stupid dog. [to the bartender]
Brian Griffin: Vodka stinger with a whiskey back and step on it.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: I'm really enjoying playing golf.
Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game. [flashback]
Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.
Scottish men: Aye.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Jake brought vodka to the school dance, and Chris got blamed for it, and it's really turn his life upside-down face. [Stewie stares at Brian in disbelief]
Tom Tucker: It's no concern to me if it's turned his life upside-down face, Jake's a good boy! Isn't that right, Jake?
Jake Tucker: Yeah!
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie Griffin: Help me up.
Brian Griffin: I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: My therapist thinks I'm in love.
Peter Griffin: Holy Crap! You can talk!
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: No, Peter. Martin Luther King.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Space: The Final Frontier?
Brian Griffin: That was Martin Landau.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in House Party?
Brian Griffin: That was Martin Lawrence.
Peter Griffin: What about the drink that you put on ice?
Brian Griffin: That's Martini And Rossi.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Apocalypse Now?
Brian Griffin: He was Mar... Mar... something.
Peter Griffin: *Wrong*! It was Tom Beringer. We were looking for Tom Beringer.
Brian Griffin: Well, thanks for having me on the show. I really enjoyed it. [pauses]
Brian Griffin: [shouts] Wait a minute!
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Oh, my god, that was hilarious!
Lois Griffin: What does that say into me? Oh, go [beep]
Lois Griffin: yourself Diane. [Brian spits]
Stewie Griffin: She said a swear!
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes. [Flash Back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter Griffin: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe. [Apes cock shotguns]
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Peter, being a hero is just being someone that somebody can look up to.
Peter Griffin: People have looked up to me... Remember that time I read to those kids at Sunday school.
Brian Griffin: Ah, when you forgot all the lyrics to the songs?
Peter Griffin: [flashback to church] [Peter is singing a song to the kids]
Peter Griffin: Jesus really loves me./ He loves me a whole bunch./ That's why he puts Skippy in my lunch.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter Griffin: If by "read", you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family.
Peter Griffin: No, the rest were FROM the family... weren't they? Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian Griffin: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter Griffin: Why wasn't I told?
Brian Griffin: They sent you a card, but it said 'For Peter' on it, so you must have thought it was FROM you, so you didn't uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that's who.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: She's a whiney little runt isn't she? [Lois gasps]
Brian Griffin: I said runt.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: So, Stewie, how do you feel now that you are a girl?
Stewie Griffin: I feel right, Brian. I feel right.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.
Chris Griffin: Brown's the color of poo. AHHAHAHAHAHA.
Brian Griffin: Yes, it is.
TV Show: Family Guy