Family Guy Quotes
Brian Griffin: The sixties brought the hippie breed / And decades later, things have changed indeed / We lost the values, but we kept the weed / You've got a lot to see / The Reagan years have laid the frame / For movie stars to play the White House game / We're not to far from voting Feldman-Haim / You've got a lot to see / The town of Vegas / Has got a different face / 'Cause it's a family place / With lots to do / Where in the fifties / A man could mingle with scores / Of all the seediest whores / Well now his children can too / You heard it from the canine's mouth / The country's changed, that is except the South / And you'll agree / No one really knows, my dear lady friend / Just quite how it all will end / So hurry, 'cause you've got a lot to see / The baldness gene was cause for dread / But that's a fear that you can put to bed / They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head / You've got a lot to see / The PC age has moved the bar / A word like "redneck" is a step too far / The proper term is "country music star" / You've got a lot to see / Our flashy cell phones / Make people mumble, "Gee whiz" / "Look how important he is" / "His life must rule" / You'll get a tumor / But on your surgery day / The doc will see it and say / "Wow, you must really be cool" /
Tom Tucker: There's lots of things you may have missed!
Adam West: Like Pee-Wee and his famous wrist!
Cleveland: Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye!
Neil Goldman: That awesome "Thundercats" cartoon!
Diane Simmons: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon!
Meg Griffin: Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy?
Brian Griffin: So let's go see the USA / They'll treat you right, unless you're black or gay / Or Cherokee / But you can forgive he world and its flaws / And follow me there, because / You've still got a hell of a lot to see / You've got a lot to see /
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: This was even stupider than that time that Peter locked his keys out of his car.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Want to go get an ice cream? Will that make you feel better? [Stewie shakes his head]
Brian Griffin: Want to get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head]
Brian Griffin: Want to go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods]
Brian Griffin: All right, let's take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Well, if you want to be a hero right now it might be a good time.
Peter Griffin: Geez, Brian, this isn't what I was expecting, I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.
Peter Griffin: [cut to Peter with the Justice League] Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings. Now let's see your pair. [Wonder Woman sighs, then removes her bustier]
Peter Griffin: [laughs] All right! [looks offscreen]
Peter Griffin: Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Well, Peter, if you plan to pull a party out of your ass, you better stand up.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: Well, Peter, if you pull a party out of your ass you better stand up.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: You know what might be a thrill for you guys?
Chris Griffin: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable talking about this amelodically.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: You're really going to take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?
Peter Griffin: Yes, now here's the plan. We'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Which will be guarded by lasers three inches above the floor, now you'll have to squeeze yourself to the size of about a sponge and then crawl across the floor like a dolphin or some other amphibious mammal.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian: Hey, if every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the Superbowl, no one would be married.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian: Peter, this is the final plague.
Peter: Good 'cause this is starting to get boring.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son.
Peter: Oh, no! Stewie!
Brian: First born...
Peter: Meg!
Brian: [beat] Your wife.
Peter: Chris!
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian: Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs. [everyone gasps]
Brian: Too soon?
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win?
Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian: You recently returned from the Philippines. Where you made love to two Filipino women. And a man.
Quagmire: You mean THREE Filipino women. [pauses]
Quagmire: Ahhhhhhh!
TV Show: Family Guy
Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I'm gay?
Peter Griffin: What? You mean you don't want more sea men on your poop deck?
TV Show: Family Guy
Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate... [Peter is watching this on TV]
Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?
TV Show: Family Guy
Doctor: Mayor West, I'm afraid you have lymphoma.
Adam West: Oh.
Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Adam West: I see.
Doctor: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Doctor: Well, that's just silly!
Adam West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.
TV Show: Family Guy
Doctor: Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine.
Peter Griffin: Now what? Are you coming on to me?
Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy.
Doctor: ...Can't it be both?
TV Show: Family Guy
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest is just a fatty corpusle.
Peter Griffin: Fatty Corpusle? Wait a minute... How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
TV Show: Family Guy
FCC officer: [at a urinal] Two shakes, that's the limit.
Adam West: Why thank you, tinkle fairy.
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: [after lighting a cigarette] So what's going on? You ever get freaky with that thing?
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: [Quagmire slowly peaks out at Meg's slumber party] Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is! [he leaves]
Meg: Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: [to feminist woman] The plight of women in this hemisphere is deplorable.
Glen Quagmire: [to woman who likes strong men] I can bench press 800 pounds.
Glen Quagmire: [to woman who loves jazz music] You, me and Coltrane till dawn, baby. Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy, giggedy!
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: [while on a raft made out of blow-up dolls] Careful guys, even the slightest prick will pop these things. Gigity.
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay.
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire: HEY GET THE HELL OFF MY... well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass.
TV Show: Family Guy