Family Guy Quotes
Peter Griffin: Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they've been that way ever since they came over to this country from France.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Gee, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you could use some fine strapping young men like us on your schooner.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I'm gay?
Peter Griffin: What? Are you sure you, you, you, you don't want more seamen on, on, on your poop deck?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Ha ha ha ha! You just said "nuclear". It's "nukular", dummy, the "s" is silent!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Hey, camera guy. Check this out. [holding up an old woman puppet]
Peter Griffin: 'Peter Griffin and Madame.' Oh, Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you?
Peter Griffin: [as Madame] You're the one with your hand up my backside, darling.
Peter Griffin: Oh! She got me!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing?
Chris Griffin: Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style!
Peter Griffin: Well... ehh... the important thing is you tried, son.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did.
Cleveland: I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on. [everyone drinks]
Joe Swanson: I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife. [Quagmire and Cleveland drink]
Peter Griffin: I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom. [Quagmire drinks]
Peter Griffin: [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table] Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! [Quagmire drinks]
Joe Swanson: I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! [Quagmire drinks]
Peter Griffin: Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous! [Quagmire drinks]
Glen Quagmire: [he passes out]
Joe Swanson: Boy, he's out cold.
Peter Griffin: Let's write on him!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
Mort Goldman: Peter! You're not eating those, are you?
Peter Griffin: [sarcastically] No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, let me get a package of condoms. Oh, and I guess I'll need some Excedrin too because Lois has a headache "this big". Hah-hah! Did you see? It's like from the commercial, only I pointed at my junk.
Mort Goldman: All right, Peter. That'll be $7.22.
Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, Mort, I didn't bring any money.
Mort Goldman: Well, I suppose I could just open up a tab...
Peter Griffin: What, you mean I wouldn't have to pay you?
Mort Goldman: Well, not right away...
Peter Griffin: In that case let me get this stack of Marie Claires, you know, in case I want to rub out the easy one before we start...
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Hey, what's your friend's name?
Al Gore: Dick Armey.
Peter Griffin: [laughs] No, seriously, what is it?
Al Gore: [beat] ... Dick Armey.
Peter Griffin: [bursts out laughing] Hey, Armey, what's your wife's name, Vagina Coastguard? [continues to laugh]
Al Gore: [laughs] Oh, I just got that.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Hey, where's my VCR?
Hillbilly #1: Dangit, Buck, it's my turn to use the sex box.
Hillbilly #2: It's *my* sex box. And her name is Sony.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Hi. I'm in the other room and I'm trying to get some sleep.
cheese guy: Look, a wagon wheel.
Peter Griffin: What the hell's your problem?
cheese guy: I just smoked a whole bunch of crack.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry, but that is a really boring story. I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie. [Flashback to Peter sitting at a drive-in, facing the wrong way]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to? [Scooby-Doo theme plays]
TV Announcer: We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.
Fred Jones: Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.
Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
Scooby-Doo: [jumps on Shaggy's arms] Arroo!
Fred Jones: You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I bet I laugh so hard I shoot milk out my nose!
Brian Griffin: Uh, Peter, this is Brooke... she's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.
Peter Griffin: [laughs uncontrollably as a torrent of milk from his nose hits Brooke and Brian]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I didn't give those porn magazines to the kids. The truth is Lois. Lois, Lois, Lois, Ah! Oh, crap. The truth is I love my wife Lois very much. I gave those porn mags to my son. I wanted to teach him about treating women as objects. If anything I don't deserve your respect.
Trica Takanowa: Mr Griffin, does this mean that you're not only a bad husband and father but you're a bad school board president?
Reporter #2: Will you resign over this?
Peter Griffin: Yes, no and screw it, I resign.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Ummm... you might have noticed my underwear has a hole in it. It's uh... you know, I... I don't see any reason to throw it out. The waist is still fine. You know, see. See, it's still real stretchy.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman. [flashback]
Peter Griffin: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson: What the hell is that?
Peter Griffin: Five seconds...
Spokesperson: Is that?
Peter Griffin: Four seconds...
Spokesperson: It smells like...
Peter Griffin: Three seconds...
Spokesperon: That's...
Peter Griffin: CLEAN MY PEE.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art. [flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to draw the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried sculpting. [flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried music. [flashback]
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to? [flashback]
Fred: It looks like the killer gutted his victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped to body in the river.
Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery! [Scooby jumps]
Fred: That's right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I'd sell my soul to be famous. [cut to hell]
Satan: We've got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Assisstant: No good, sir. It seems he already sold his soul once in 1977 for Bee Gees tickets and then again in 1983 for half a mallomar.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: If I'm a child, that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Glen Quagmire: [laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible. [pause]
Glen Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I'm going to go to the bathroom. [walks into an outhouse]
Peter Griffin: Lois, I don't think it's a toilet. It's just a hole. [an animal knocks over the outhouse]
Peter Griffin: OH! OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE! IT'S IN MY RACCOON WOUNDS!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I'm going to jump off this building.
Cleveland: Could you repeat that, Peter. I believe I heard something crazy in my ear.
Glen Quagmire: Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly-girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Glen Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge.
TV Show: Family Guy