Family Guy Quotes
Peter Griffin: It's OK, Meg. Your mom is full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to take down an elephant.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer: [for Homicide: Life on Sesame Street] This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H.
Bert: [answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the *damn* bed.
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Leave it to me, I read a book about these people before.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was a book, are you sure it wasn't... nothing.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Lois told me to clean the windows, wash the siding, and clean the gutters. To most normal guys, that's three jobs. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, that's one job.
Cleveland: You're not working hard, Peter. You're working smart.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Lois you know my rule, You are only allowed to sleep with three people besides me, Gene Simmons, John Schneider or Boba Fett.
Boba Fett: All right! Goodbye virginity!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Lois, are you high?
Lois Griffin: No, I crashed out about an hour ago.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois. [imitates Pee-Wee]
Peter Griffin: Hewy Jambi.
Brian Griffin: [as Jambi the Genie] Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.
Peter Griffin: Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're acting ridiculous.
Peter Griffin: [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen] You said the secret word!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Lois, I can't find my favorite pair of underwear.
Lois: Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots?
Peter Griffin: No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus so I let it rip in the vestibule after service and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.
Lois Griffin: Top drawer.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, oh you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, with fresh material, and he's charming.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I am going to everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed, then I'm going to use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that's good parenting, right Bing Crosby?
Bing Crosby: That's right Peter, and if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of sweet Velency Oranges. They won't leave a bruise and it'll let 'em know who's boss, there's nooo doubt about it.
Peter Griffin: That... That doesn't sound right.
Bing Crosby: Are you givin' me lip boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack down on you, is that what you want? [takes his belt off and whips Peter a few times]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Lois, the bar has been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, no-good, tea-sucking British bastards.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Look, you got anything you could possibly want right here, now just eat your cinnamon bun, and stop being a bad dog.
Brian Griffin: [gasp] How dare you? How dare you!
Peter Griffin: How dare I? How dare I? Were do you think you're going?
Brian Griffin: [angrily] Out.
Peter Griffin: Hey, you're not going anywhere without your leash.
Brian Griffin: I don't need your damn leash, and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk. [shuts door]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry. He won't get far without this. [shows something strange]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here, now just eat your cinnamon buns, and stop being a bad dog.
Brian Griffin: [gasp] How dare you? How dare you?
Peter Griffin: How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going?
Brian Griffin: Out.
Peter Griffin: Hey, hey you're not going anywhere without your leash.
Brian Griffin: I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk.
Peter Griffin: Don't worry. He won't get far without this. [holds up spark-plug wires from the car]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Looks out curtain at Lois, who's sitting in the front row Look who came crawling back.
Joe Swanson: [Joe is crawling on the stage towards Peter] Peter! Have you seen my wheelchair?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Man, this is a great show. They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside 'em. Like this one guy, didn't know he was actually two midgets.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Ahh
Lois Griffin: That was just a loud yelping noise
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: My dad's worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Nothing else has worked this far / So I wish upon a star / Wonderous shining speck of light / I need a Jew / Lois makes me take the rap / Cause our checkbook looks like crap / Since I can't give her a slap / I need a Jew / Where to find / A Baum or Steen or Stein / To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss... / Though by many they're abhorred / Hebrew people I've adored / I don't think they killed my Lord / I need a Jew.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Oh, boy! I remember my first job. I was in a folk music trio. [cuts to a room in the 1970s, Peter is sitting with Art Garfunkel and Paul Simon]
Peter Griffin: Hey, how about "Here's to You, Mrs. Fleckenstein"?
Paul Simon: Yeah, you've been pitching that for an hour. It's just not a very attractive name.
Peter Griffin: [petulant] Oh, fine, fine. I guess were also not going with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Lowery's Seasoning Salt." [scoffs, leaves]
Peter Griffin: That's it, I'm going to 'Nam.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
Brian Griffin: That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter Griffin: Wrong! It's the ugly one.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's enough.
Peter Griffin: Eats babies. [crowd applauds]
TV Show: Family Guy