Family Guy Quotes
Peter Griffin: Pack your bags up, the Griffins are heading to Big Apple!
Speed Racer: Haha! Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York. Haha!
Man: This is not affecting us all! Haha!
Speed Racer: Haha!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but don't mention it around the Veteran's Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Please rise. Now sit on it. [everyone sits]
Peter Griffin: May the Fonz be with you.
People In Church: And also with you.
Peter Griffin: Let us ayyy.
People In Church: Ayyyy.
Peter Griffin: And now a reading from the letters of Potsie to the Tuscaderos.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?
Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
Alyssa Milano: Of all the cheap shots... Joel!
Joel: I'm on it, I'm on it, I'm suing, I'm suing.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: So if I walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
Ghost: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts so fast, they wont know what hit 'em. [he backs into a parked car]
Peter Griffin: And, um, neither will that guy.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty. [laughs]
Peter Griffin: I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again he was never meant to be funny.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: They covered the house in micro-film of Teflon so you never have to clean. [the family slips and falls to the floor]
Peter Griffin: I probably shouldn't have had them cover the floors in it. [Stewie skates by]
Stewie Griffin: I'm nudes on ice!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV and she looks like a foot.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: This is even worse then when we went to see the "Vagina Monologues".
Talking Vagina: [on stage at a comedy club] You know I heard they're using Jeff Gillooly in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden... Jeff Gillooly. [no laughter]
Talking Vagina: Okay, that one wasn't so fresh, but you knoooow...
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK. [set turns into disco]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Uh, hi. We're here to see the Dean.
Guardian of the College: Nobody can see the Dean! Not nobody, not no how!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?" [brief pause]
Peter Griffin: You gonna eat that stapler?
Network executive: Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...
Peter Griffin: Wanna split it?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it. [Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes]
Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party.
Meg Griffin: But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time.
Lois Griffin: Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic. [Flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodastant whore]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: What do you expect me to do with all these great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that's what soap is for Lois.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: What if Kurt Cobain had quit? [Flashback to Nirvana finishing a concert]
Kurt Cobain: Thank you! And remember, say "no" to drugs!
Agent: Great concert Kurt. The label's excited about your seventh album.
Kurt Cobain: Thanks. Oh you remember my wife, Courtney Love?
Agent: Who? [Courtney Love looks down and grimaces]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: What's Lois doing with Ross Fishman?
Glen Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore? You know, like on weekends to pay for her mom's dialysis... as in my fantasy. [pause]
Glen Quagmire: You know what, let's start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud. [Flashbacks to one year ago]
Peter Griffin: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space. [flashback]
Dad: We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry peadophile with you.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Yeah which is more than we got from those free loaded Canadians. [blank screen appears]
Peter Griffin: Canada sucks.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got less popular "Nobody Poops But You".
Peter Griffin: Huh... well... you see... we're Catholic so... uh...
Salesman: Oh, well then you want "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You".
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house!
Francis Griffin: Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter Griffin: Ah... um... ah... the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: You all know how observant I am.
TV Announcer: And now back to Star Trek.
Peter Griffin: Holy crap. Uhura's black?
TV Show: Family Guy