Family Guy Quotes
Peter Griffin: You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds. But you know... uh... I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat?
Peter Griffin: [cut to previous scene] A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those!
Lois Griffin: [cut back to present scene] Peter, that happened ten minutes ago.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter Griffin: You're not fat, Chris, you just come from a long line of husky Griffins. Like your great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. [flashback]
Jabba the Griffin: Raja naba doa gola wookie nipple pinchy.
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter: ...and there's no way I'm going in the back way.
Death: Oh crap, I have no time for this!
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter: Ah, Los Angeles! Everything's big, everything's grand, and they always say something witty right before the commercial break. [Peter looks confused. Five beats, then CUT TO COMMERCIAL]
TV Show: Family Guy
Peter: I've got your first headline, Meg. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. GO! [runs out of the room]
Lois: What? [Peter flies by in plane laughing maniacally]
TV Show: Family Guy
Quagmire: [walks between two women] sorry, I didnt mean to come between you... or did I?
TV Show: Family Guy
Quagmire: Hello there, cutie. How old are you?
Girl: Sixteen.
Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Girl: MOM.
Quagmire: I like where this is going.
TV Show: Family Guy
Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys. Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I.
Cleveland: Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh".
Quagmire: Really? I could've sworn... just to be on the safe side, "OH."
TV Show: Family Guy
Quagmire: Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with another lemon snowcone.
Peter Griffin: The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like... [pauses]
Peter Griffin: Oh, you guys are ASSES.
TV Show: Family Guy
Quagmire: Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our lives [Peter walks through a door holding a sword, like in Pulp Fiction, to his friends tied up and gagged]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy.
TV Show: Family Guy
Smurf #1: Yo, Smurf, that party last night was freakin', Smurf!
Smurf #2: You bet your smurf it was!
Smurf #1: Hey, I saw you leaving with Smurfette.
Smurf #2: Yeah. Right when we left the party, she started smurfin' me.
Smurf #1: Shut the smurf up! Right in the smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2: Oh, yeah.
Smurf #1: That's freakin' smurf!
Smurf #2: You betcha.
Smurf #1: Freakin' smurf.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: [singing] We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're having the times of our lives
Stewie Griffin: Take it, dog.
Brian Griffin: We're quite a bit of partners just like Velma and Louise/Except you're not six feet tall/
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.
Brian Griffin: Give it time
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/ We're certainly going in style/
Brian Griffin: I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants/
Stewie Griffin: How dare you, at least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.
Brian Griffin: Oh, pee jokes.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We've traveled a bit and we fooooound/ Like a masocist in Newport/We're Rhode Island bound.
Brian Griffin: Crazy travel conditions huh?
Stewie Griffin: First class and no class.
Brian Griffin: Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're not going to stop 'till we're theeeere
Brian Griffin: Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry/
Stewie Griffin: Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/The home of that old campus swing/
Brian Griffin: We'd like to get some college girls and picnic on the grass/
Stewie Griffin: We'd tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass.
Brian Griffin: Yikes!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We certanly do get around/Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony/We're Rhode Island bound/Or like two groups of college freshmen who
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [accidently rips off the tail of Brian's dead mother] Oh, relax. The old girl didn't have much to wag about these days, anyway.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [after Brian cries hysterically] I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A "melancollie". [no response]
Stewie Griffin: Oh wait. I should have said "chi wa-wa". [still no response]
Stewie Griffin: I don't have to [beep]
Stewie Griffin: impress you!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [after Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [Brian is reading the newspaper] Look where my hand is. I say, look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place.
Stewie Griffin: [Brian puts the paper down, Stewie's finger is in his nose] Does this not disgust you?
Brian Griffin: Kid, you're talking a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [controlling a robot Peter] Blast, you vile woman!
Peter Griffin: Blast, you vile woman!
Stewie Griffin: Ugh, that'll never do... translator. You there, with the severe aesthetic deficiencies!
Peter Griffin: Hey, ugly!
Stewie Griffin: Excellent. Hahahahaha!
Peter Griffin: Sweet. Hehehehehe!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie Griffin: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [in a Southern accent] Warm out today. Warm out yesterday. Even warmer today. [strums up his banjo]
Stewie Griffin: [singing] Met her on my CB / Said her name was Mimi / Sounded like an angel come to Earth /
Banjo Chorus: Come to Earth /
Stewie Griffin: But when I finally meet her / Boy, you should've seen her / Twice as tall as me, three times the girth /
Banjo Chorus: Girth /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my fat baby loves to eat /
Banjo Chorus: Loves to eat /
Stewie Griffin: A big old Buddha belly, and her breasts swing past her feet /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my fat baby loves to eat /
Banjo Chorus: Eat /
Stewie Griffin: My big ol' fatass baby loves to eat!
Stewie Griffin: [shouts] I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [in an Amsterdam hash bar] The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [looking at a picture of Jesus] Look at Jesus over there all by himself! [referring to another picture]
Stewie Griffin: You would think those bulldogs would invite him over to play poker with them.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [looking in the fridge for a drink] Soda... purple stuff... Sunny D, all right!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [Peter is upset, Stewie is trying to cheer him up] Hey... [pats Peter's knee]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, big guy... how you doin? Holdin up all right? Want a soda? Oh, screw it. I tried!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [Picking up the phone] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes, [dialing number]
Stewie Griffin: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [pointing a mind-control device at Lois] Aha, mother. So we meet again.
Lois Griffin: Stewie, I thought I tucked you in bed.
Stewie Griffin: Not tightly enough, you see.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [shouts] Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [singing and pointing to rifle and crotch alternately] This is my rifle / This is my gun / This is for fighting / This is for fun!
TV Show: Family Guy