Family Guy Quotes
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie looks into the mirror after applying some lipstick to his face] Well, I say, look at you there. You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care where you get it becasue you have no self-respect and that gets you off, doesn't it?
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [talking to a very old prostitute] So is there any tread left on the tires or at this point would it be more like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [thinks] How wonderful it will be to have mother back!
Brian Griffin: [thinks] I heard that.
Stewie Griffin: [thinks] Damn!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless. [leaves]
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] You. You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber. [to Lois]
Stewie Griffin: And you... well, I just plain don't like you.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: [trying to get Brian's attention] Look, I'm writing profanity on the walls! [Stewie has written "poppycock"]
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Blast I thought I had more time. Keeping people from having sex is more difficult than I thought. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. BA-ZING.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Donnez-moi pancakes. Click-click-bloody click pancakes!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Damn the toilet. It's made slaves of you all. It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Hey! Look at this [bow tie spins in a circle]
Stewie Griffin: Wow! Looks like I had to much coffee! [pulls out a cigar]
Stewie Griffin: Ha cha cha cha cha cha cha!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: How deliciously evil. It's like something out of Stephen King. [flashback]
Stephen King: Now for my 300th novel, a couple... uh... [casts about desperately]
Stephen King: is attacked... by a giant... uh... lamp monster! Oooooooo!
Editor: You're not even trying anymore are you? [sigh]
Editor: When can I have it?
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian Griffin: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did!
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: It's not that I want to kill Lois... it's just that I don't want her to be alive any more.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
TV Show: Family Guy
Stewie Griffin: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
Lois Griffin: [oblivious] Oh, you want you toy back. Here yo go. [Gives Stewie his Ray-Gun toy]
Stewie Griffin: Yes... well... VICTORY IS MINE! [he runs off - the sound of the grenades exploding is heard]
Stewie Griffin: BLAST!
TV Show: Family Guy