Family Guy Quotes
Joe Swanson: [siren wails] Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up!
Cleveland: Fooled you! [all but Peter laugh]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this?
Joe Swanson: It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us?
Peter Griffin: Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic.
Cleveland: What?
Joe Swanson: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, man!
Peter Griffin: Fooled you! [laughs]
Peter Griffin: Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
TV Show: Family Guy
Joe Swanson: [to Brian, who just joined the police force] Great job, rookie!
Cop #1: You're a real credit to the force!
Cop #2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
TV Show: Family Guy
Joe Swanson: At least I can do this: [singing]
Joe Swanson: ah, ah, ah, AH, ah, ah, ah!
Disabled Man: [electronic voice] [monotonous]
Disabled Man: Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh crap.
TV Show: Family Guy
Joe Swanson: Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp?
Pawtucket Pat: Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off. [Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out]
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree.
Chumba Wumba #1: What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
Chumba Wumba #2: Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?
Chumba Wumba #3: What do you think of the one you call God?
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Isn't His absence slight-ly odd?
Chumba Wumba #4: Maybe He's forgotten you.
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse / They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue! [the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory]
Joe Swanson: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!
Chumba Wumba #2: Gobbledy glue!
TV Show: Family Guy
Joe Swanson: Peter, it's over.
Peter Griffin: Over? What are you talking about? What kind of talk is that? It's un-American. Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that DUI? No! Did he quit after he got busted for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit...
Joe Swanson: I get the message, Peter.
TV Show: Family Guy
Joe Swanson: Wait a second. What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along.
Peter Griffin: I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. That's like taking a watch off a dead guy.
TV Show: Family Guy
Joe Swanson: You can't just come over here and annex my pool!
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... "the". So, tough luck, Swanson.
TV Show: Family Guy
Herbert: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
Chris: It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.
Herbert: Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure.
Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert: Don't make me beg now.
Chris: You're funny. Bye.
Herbert: Get your fat ass back here.
TV Show: Family Guy
Jaws: Hey. I'm gonna eat 'cha. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that other one, too. I can see right up in them shorts. Got lots of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dun-na, Dun-na, Dun-na. Oh, I did eat a fat kid on a raft earlier. That's OK though, I have been swimming a lot. [eats the swimmers]
Jaws: . Yummy.
TV Show: Family Guy
Olivia: Do you even know what sex IS?
Stewie Griffin: Now really I- don't change the- is it a kind of cake?
TV Show: Family Guy
The Pope: Are you sure this is Boston?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, its Boston. See look, there's Harvard.
The Pope: That's just a barn.
Peter Griffin: Ooh. Someone went to Yale!
TV Show: Family Guy
Army Captain: [while trying to take over Peteoria] As you may presently yourself be fully made aware of, my grammar sucks.
TV Show: Family Guy
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
TV Show: Family Guy
Bad Cockroach: Man, I'm going to cut you up so bad, that you... you gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad.
TV Show: Family Guy
Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Peter Griffin: I do... ya bastard.
TV Show: Family Guy
Bob Ross: All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don't you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that'll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there I will come to your house and I will cut you.
TV Show: Family Guy
Crackle: Those freakin' elves, man. They just came out of the trees, they just came out of the trees!
Pop: You saved my ass back there, man.
Crackle: You saved mine.
Crackle: [as he lifts his beer in a toast] Here's to Snap!
Pop: [they clink glasses] To Snap!
TV Show: Family Guy
Diet Institute Worker: Sir, you can't park your van in here.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's my kid.
Diet Institute Worker: Oh sorry.
Diet Institute Worker: Hey, don't worry, it's just a really fat kid.
TV Show: Family Guy
Disabled Man: [electronic voice] That was pathetic. Tell your wife to come over to my place if she wants a little boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom.
TV Show: Family Guy
Disabled Man: [with electronic voice] A sphincter says what?
Joe Swanson: What?
Disabled Man: Ha ha ha ha. You stupid bastard.
TV Show: Family Guy
Englishman #1: I say, you know what's really funny? A man dressed in women's clothing.
Englishman #2: Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh.
TV Show: Family Guy
Gay Dog: Hey! You guys got any cheese doodles? [honks horn]
Gay Dog: See, that's what I do, I ask for a snack, and then I blow the horn.
TV Show: Family Guy
George: [a parody of "The Jetsons": George and Roy are on the dog walking treadmill, a cat appears, Roy chases him] Help! [he falls]
George: Jane! [he falls again]
George: Stop this crazy thing! [he falls again]
George: Ahh! [falls]
George: Help! [falls]
TV Show: Family Guy
Ghost: Come hither and give heed!
Peter Griffin: Sorry buddy, I don't swing that way.
TV Show: Family Guy
Glen Quagmire's Mom: Here now, have milk. [shows Glen Quagmire her breasts]
Glen Quagmire: All right! [starts sucking on her breast]
TV Show: Family Guy
God: Let me light that for you, honey. [he points, lights lady's cigarette with lightning bolt]
Lady: Wow!
God: Yeah, you like that? Magic Fingers... [points again, lightning strikes lady, sets bar on fire]
God: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: What?
God: Get the Escalade! We're Outta Here!
TV Show: Family Guy
GPS System: Turn left at fork in road... in native Russia, road forks you.
Peter Griffin: [sighs] That got old real fast.
TV Show: Family Guy