Family Guy Quotes
Rising Stars Instructor: Look, it's your first marquee! [the sign reads "Simon & Garfunkel" followed by "Olivia & Stewie"]
Olivia: It's pretty cool, huh?
Stewie Griffin: The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia: What other thing?
Stewie Griffin: You know- the sex... with Simon. I mean, why else would your name be first?
Olivia: Well, it makes sense ya know. Lead with strength, put your BEST foot forward. [pause]
Stewie Griffin: So the sex was good?
TV Show: Family Guy
Susan Sarandon: I'm Susan Sarandon. You might know me as Tim Robbins' mother... [derisively]
Susan Sarandon: ... but actually I'm his girlfriend.
TV Show: Family Guy
Teacher: In French, to say yes you say oui-oui. [Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin: Oh, man, that's hysterical. [keeps laughing]
Peter Griffin: Hey, what do you say for no, doo-doo? [laughs]
Peter Griffin: Hey, I'll be right back. I've got to go take a wicked yes.
TV Show: Family Guy
Toy Designer: I've just finished the new line of G.I. Jew toys. [he pushes a button on the G.I. Jew action figure]
G.I. Jew: You call these bagels?
Toy Designer: Whoa, I'm glad he's on our side.
TV Show: Family Guy
UPS Woman: I've got a package for Glen Quagmire.
Quagmire: I'll be right back [Closes door, then returns a moment later, naked]
Quagmire: And I've got a package for you too! Oh! [she maces him]
Quagmire: Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.
TV Show: Family Guy
Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie Griffin: I don't care if they... [Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie Griffin: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.
TV Show: Family Guy
William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.
TV Show: Family Guy
Woman on Tape: We're going to add... [tape interrupts Lois]
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Ahh!
Lois Griffin: I know what you've been doing here, and I'm very upset with you.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Usually, beautiful women don't turn back into you until I'm finished.
Lois Griffin: These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me. [starts taking a bathrobe off]
Peter Griffin: This is hot.
Lois Griffin: Turn around.
Peter Griffin: Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's okay.
Peter Griffin: Yeah?
Lois Griffin: I was trying to be sexy for you.
Peter Griffin: Oh, come here you. [starts to rewind]
Lois Griffin: You should've told me. [rewinds]
Lois Griffin: You should've told me. [rewinds]
TV Show: Family Guy
Woman Running Rehab Clinic: What's your name?
Peter Griffin: Uh [looks around and sees a pea on a plate]
Peter Griffin: Pea.
Peter Griffin: [sees a woman crying] tear uh
Peter Griffin: [a Griffin flys across the room] Griffin. yeah that's it, Peter Griffin. [pause]
Peter Griffin: Oh crap.
TV Show: Family Guy
[on the phone]
Chris Griffin: So, what are you wearing? [pause]
Chris Griffin: Wow. I bet you can see right through that.
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.
Chris Griffin: So, what are you wearing? [pause]
Chris Griffin: Wow. I bet you can see right through that.
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter almost foils a bank robbery]
Peter Griffin: Hey, I'm supposed to be the hero here. Come on. Well, can I just pistol whip you guys a couple of times for the camera?
Peter Griffin: Hey, I'm supposed to be the hero here. Come on. Well, can I just pistol whip you guys a couple of times for the camera?
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery]
Peter Griffin: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.
Peter Griffin: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.
TV Show: Family Guy
["Hollywood Squares" parody]
Contestant: I'll take the dying boy to block.
Tom Bergeron: Ok, Jeremy... is there anything lower than absolute zero?
Jeremy: Uhh, yeah... my white cell count.
Contestant: I'll take the dying boy to block.
Tom Bergeron: Ok, Jeremy... is there anything lower than absolute zero?
Jeremy: Uhh, yeah... my white cell count.
TV Show: Family Guy
[a fat Stewie is sitting on the porch]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me! [to passersby]
Stewie Griffin: What are you looking at, you infantile stupid? That's right, damn you and such.
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me! [to passersby]
Stewie Griffin: What are you looking at, you infantile stupid? That's right, damn you and such.
TV Show: Family Guy
[a grim, hooded wraith with a scythe approaches Peter's door]
Peter Griffin: Wh-Who are you?
Death: I'm Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I'm Death.
Peter Griffin: Wh-Who are you?
Death: I'm Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I'm Death.
TV Show: Family Guy
[a parody of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]
Pawtucket Pat: Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation.
Pawtucket Pat: Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation.
TV Show: Family Guy
[a police officer pulls Peter over in his car]
Police Officer: License and reg... hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black?
Peter Griffin: Yes I am.
Police Officer: [into walkie-talkie] Report of a possible stolen vehicle.
Peter Griffin: But this is my car.
Police Officer: Suspect becoming beligerent.
Peter Griffin: Wha...
Police Officer: Officer down. [Officer falls to ground, police cars surround Peter]
Police Officer: License and reg... hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black?
Peter Griffin: Yes I am.
Police Officer: [into walkie-talkie] Report of a possible stolen vehicle.
Peter Griffin: But this is my car.
Police Officer: Suspect becoming beligerent.
Peter Griffin: Wha...
Police Officer: Officer down. [Officer falls to ground, police cars surround Peter]
TV Show: Family Guy
[a social worker is trying to take Stewie away because she believes the Griffin parents are unfit]
Lois Griffin: How dare you say that. This is a wonderful home for a child to live. [a gunshot is heard from the roof]
Peter Griffin: Quagmire, you rat bastard. Come near my fence again and that'll be your head.
Lois Griffin: How dare you say that. This is a wonderful home for a child to live. [a gunshot is heard from the roof]
Peter Griffin: Quagmire, you rat bastard. Come near my fence again and that'll be your head.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Adam West is trying to win a promotion for Pawtucket Pat's brewery, and is talking to a beer bottle]
Adam West: Now you listen to me, you long-necked bastard. Give me that silver scroll, and I'll make you Head of Sanitation for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweet-cake.
Adam West: Now you listen to me, you long-necked bastard. Give me that silver scroll, and I'll make you Head of Sanitation for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweet-cake.
TV Show: Family Guy
[after having sex]
Social Worker: Glen, honey. Can I ask you a question? What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: Heh! I got a question for you too. Why are you still here?
Social Worker: Glen, honey. Can I ask you a question? What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: Heh! I got a question for you too. Why are you still here?
TV Show: Family Guy
[after Peter tells Lois an outlandish story]
Brian: Congratulations, Peter. You're the Spalding Gray of crap.
Brian: Congratulations, Peter. You're the Spalding Gray of crap.
TV Show: Family Guy
[after Stewie gets taken into an ethnically diverse foster family]
Indian boy: Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
Stewie: Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
Indian boy: Yee, would your people really do this?
Stewie: Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who in turn sells them to Ura's people so that they can ethnically clense the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other! [Children start crying]
Indian boy: Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
Stewie: Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
Indian boy: Yee, would your people really do this?
Stewie: Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who in turn sells them to Ura's people so that they can ethnically clense the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other! [Children start crying]
TV Show: Family Guy
[an extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock]
Boy: Daddy, what's that?
Father: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.
Peter Griffin: I'm a man jackass.
Boy: Daddy, what's that?
Father: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.
Peter Griffin: I'm a man jackass.
TV Show: Family Guy
[at a dog show]
Peter Griffin: Brian, come. Hey, don't you walk out on me. [aware that the audience is watching]
Peter Griffin: Uh, heh. Uh, I now command you to leave. Yep. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, flip me off. Good boy. Heh heh, heh heh.
Peter Griffin: Brian, come. Hey, don't you walk out on me. [aware that the audience is watching]
Peter Griffin: Uh, heh. Uh, I now command you to leave. Yep. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, flip me off. Good boy. Heh heh, heh heh.
TV Show: Family Guy
[at a job interview]
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [thinking to himself "Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [thinking to himself "Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...
TV Show: Family Guy
[at Peter's imaginary version of Cheesy Charlie's]
Kid: I have 13 tickets, is that enough?
Clerk: I'm sorry, Timmy. You need 15 tickets to live.
Kid: I have 13 tickets, is that enough?
Clerk: I'm sorry, Timmy. You need 15 tickets to live.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian and Chris try to sneak into a fair by wearing a horse suit]
Ticket Seller: Wait a minute... your ass just sneezed. And horses can't talk. No, no... nothing here adds up at all.
Ticket Seller: Wait a minute... your ass just sneezed. And horses can't talk. No, no... nothing here adds up at all.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian and Peter are putting a crib together]
Brian Griffin: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That's what...
Brian Griffin: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you.
Brian Griffin: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That's what...
Brian Griffin: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.) [throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian Griffin: ...uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.) [throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian Griffin: ...uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.
TV Show: Family Guy