Family Guy Quotes
[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor]
Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?
Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian is addicted to cocaine]
Meg Griffin: Brian, you look like you lost weight! What is your secret?
Brian Griffin: Here's my secret. PUT DOWN THE FORK!
Meg Griffin: Brian, you look like you lost weight! What is your secret?
Brian Griffin: Here's my secret. PUT DOWN THE FORK!
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian is at Stewie's party. A clown holding a soda siphon passes]
Brian Griffin: Hey you, hit me! [the clown squirs soda water into Brian's Martini glass]
Brian Griffin: Now if I can just find a midget with some gin I'll be in business.
Brian Griffin: Hey you, hit me! [the clown squirs soda water into Brian's Martini glass]
Brian Griffin: Now if I can just find a midget with some gin I'll be in business.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian is sitting next to a woman, panting]
Woman: Pervert.
Brian Griffin: Oh, don't flatter yourself, honey; I don't have any sweat glands.
Woman: Pervert.
Brian Griffin: Oh, don't flatter yourself, honey; I don't have any sweat glands.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian is working as a guide dog and has taken a blind man to see "The Blair Witch Project"]
Brian: Okay, they're - they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh... I think they're looking for some witch or something; I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.
Brian: Okay, they're - they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh... I think they're looking for some witch or something; I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian Singing to Stewie]
Brian Griffin: I'll bet money / You'll marry a honey / Who's pretty and funny / And her name will be Ted.
Brian Griffin: I'll bet money / You'll marry a honey / Who's pretty and funny / And her name will be Ted.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian tries to distract an angry mob of rednecks]
Brian Griffin: Hey, look over there! It's a newly married inter-racial gay couple burning the American Flag!
Brian Griffin: Hey, look over there! It's a newly married inter-racial gay couple burning the American Flag!
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian watches Nova]
Man on Nova: After years of study, I discovered the secret to longer life for canines, and that secret is...
Man on TV: We interrupt this program for several episodes of "One Day at a Time"
Ms. Romano: Damn it, Julie, I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how, and damn it Schneider, I ask you to fix that damn sink two days ago.
Schneider: Oh, I'll fix your sink Ms. Romano, and by "fix your sink" I mean I'll have sex with you, and by "I have sex with you" I mean I'll fix your sink. And by "sink" I mean your reproductive organ. And by, "reproductive organ" I mean the thing between your knee, and by "the thing between your knee"? I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory. [Brian hollers, then he crashes on the couch passed out]
Man on Nova: After years of study, I discovered the secret to longer life for canines, and that secret is...
Man on TV: We interrupt this program for several episodes of "One Day at a Time"
Ms. Romano: Damn it, Julie, I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how, and damn it Schneider, I ask you to fix that damn sink two days ago.
Schneider: Oh, I'll fix your sink Ms. Romano, and by "fix your sink" I mean I'll have sex with you, and by "I have sex with you" I mean I'll fix your sink. And by "sink" I mean your reproductive organ. And by, "reproductive organ" I mean the thing between your knee, and by "the thing between your knee"? I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory. [Brian hollers, then he crashes on the couch passed out]
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian, who has become addicted to cocaine, brings home a fellow user]
Lois Griffin: Hi Tina. Welcome to our home. Can I get you a washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?
Lois Griffin: Hi Tina. Welcome to our home. Can I get you a washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?
TV Show: Family Guy
[Brian's been hired as a drug-sniffing cop dog]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage? [he laughs]
Brian Griffin: Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?
Peter Griffin: No, I got to bed around two, two-thirty.
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage? [he laughs]
Brian Griffin: Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?
Peter Griffin: No, I got to bed around two, two-thirty.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Charles Lindbugh has just accidentally flushed his baby down the toilet while potty training]
Charles Lindburgh: OK, don't panic. He was kidnapped. You go phone the police, I'll write the note.
Mrs. Lindburgh: [pointing at Amelia Earhart] But what about Amelia? She saw everything.
Charles Lindburgh: You leave her to me...
Charles Lindburgh: OK, don't panic. He was kidnapped. You go phone the police, I'll write the note.
Mrs. Lindburgh: [pointing at Amelia Earhart] But what about Amelia? She saw everything.
Charles Lindburgh: You leave her to me...
TV Show: Family Guy
[Chris and Meg are fighting over who should have the remote to the TV, and Chris steals Meg's hat and puts it in his pants]
Brian Griffin: Hey, aah... You two better settle down... Aah... Chris give Meg her hat...
Chris Griffin: I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian Griffin: Ow!
Brian Griffin: Hey, aah... You two better settle down... Aah... Chris give Meg her hat...
Chris Griffin: I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian Griffin: Ow!
TV Show: Family Guy
[Chris hunts Meg with a "bogger" on his finger and tries to smear it in her face]
Meg Griffin: Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger!
Chris Griffin: What good is mining "nosegold" if I can't share it with the townspeople?
Meg Griffin: Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger!
Chris Griffin: What good is mining "nosegold" if I can't share it with the townspeople?
TV Show: Family Guy
[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris Griffin: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and... [kisses Peter]
Peter Griffin: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
Chris Griffin: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and... [kisses Peter]
Peter Griffin: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Cleveland considers killing Quagmire with a baseball bat, while Meg, Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Emperor Palpatine watch]
Emperor Palpatine: Good. Let the hate flow through you. [Lois pushes him to the ground and kicks him]
Lois Griffin: You're not helping!
Emperor Palpatine: Good. Let the hate flow through you. [Lois pushes him to the ground and kicks him]
Lois Griffin: You're not helping!
TV Show: Family Guy
[Death holds up a document that Peter doctored to proclaim he was dead to avoid having to pay his medical bills]
Peter Griffin: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.
Peter Griffin: Where did you get that?
Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.
TV Show: Family Guy
[doorbell rings; Peter's boss, Mr. Weed, is coming over for dinner]
Peter Griffin: That must be him. Oh God! I hope that thing doesn't happen where I get nervous and can't control of the volume of my voice. [answers door]
Mr. Jonathan Weed: Hello Peter. How are you?
Peter Griffin: [yelling] Fine!
Peter Griffin: [quietly] Please come in.
Peter Griffin: That must be him. Oh God! I hope that thing doesn't happen where I get nervous and can't control of the volume of my voice. [answers door]
Mr. Jonathan Weed: Hello Peter. How are you?
Peter Griffin: [yelling] Fine!
Peter Griffin: [quietly] Please come in.
TV Show: Family Guy
[during a company sexual harassment training video]
Narrator: Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
Narrator: Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
TV Show: Family Guy
[during a fishing trip]
Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichÈs.
Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichÈs.
TV Show: Family Guy
[during a romantic dinner]
Lois Griffin: [seductively] You know, I'm not wearing any panties.
Peter Griffin: Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.
Lois Griffin: [seductively] You know, I'm not wearing any panties.
Peter Griffin: Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.
TV Show: Family Guy
[during a smoking conference]
Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.
Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.
TV Show: Family Guy
[during the preview for the new action movie about Jesus]
TV Announcer: This July, let He who is without sin kick the first ass.
TV Announcer: This July, let He who is without sin kick the first ass.
TV Show: Family Guy