Family Guy Quotes
[Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
Brian Griffin: You want an explanation? [slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: GOD [slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: IS [slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: PISSED.
Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
Brian Griffin: You want an explanation? [slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: GOD [slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: IS [slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: PISSED.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship tape]
Lois Griffin: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter Griffin: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money. [runs off]
Lois Griffin: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter Griffin: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money. [runs off]
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter has gotten liposuction]
Stewie: My god, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed in on himself like a neutron star.
Stewie: My god, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed in on himself like a neutron star.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will, and then I'll put it on my feet and stand on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks.
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful.
Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will, and then I'll put it on my feet and stand on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks.
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
Peter Griffin: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
Peter Griffin: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter has just been offered a directing job, and has a daydream where, as a Hollywood big-shot, he falls off the balcony of his clifftop mansion, loses his robe, and crashes naked through the roof of the house of a Mexican family]
Mexican Husband: øQuiÈn es esto? [Who is this?]
Mexican Wife: ...l es la respuesta a mis oraciones. [He is the answer to my prayers]
Mexican Husband: øPor quÈ? [Why?]
Peter Griffin: I love Mexicans! I'll do it!
Mexican Husband: øQuiÈn es esto? [Who is this?]
Mexican Wife: ...l es la respuesta a mis oraciones. [He is the answer to my prayers]
Mexican Husband: øPor quÈ? [Why?]
Peter Griffin: I love Mexicans! I'll do it!
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter has lost his ability to play the piano]
Lois Griffin: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that!
Peter Griffin: Well, sometimes it does. I mean, you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night. [Flashback]
Peter Griffin: Come on Lois, move or something! Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Lois Griffin: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that!
Peter Griffin: Well, sometimes it does. I mean, you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night. [Flashback]
Peter Griffin: Come on Lois, move or something! Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
Peter Griffin: Oh.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter has plastic surgery]
Brian Griffin: Hey, pal, you just can't walk in here, and, holy crap, it's Peter.
Brian Griffin: Hey, pal, you just can't walk in here, and, holy crap, it's Peter.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter has taken some politicians to a strip joint, where one of them has accidentally killed one of the strippers]
Peter Griffin: You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!
Peter Griffin: You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter is ordering from a fast food restaurant]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'd like 6, 000 chicken fagitas, please? Yeah, 6, 000 chicken fagitas.
Brian Griffin: And a "so-sage" McBiscuit, please?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'd like 6, 000 chicken fagitas, please? Yeah, 6, 000 chicken fagitas.
Brian Griffin: And a "so-sage" McBiscuit, please?
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter is receiving communion]
Peter Griffin: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Preacher: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Wow, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
Peter Griffin: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ?
Preacher: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Wow, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter is talking in his sleep]
Peter Griffin: Oh, Jenny... ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don't stop... Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Jenny... ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don't stop... Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter is trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin: You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you.
Stewie Griffin: [sarcastic] Wonderful. And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin: Eh... yeah?
Peter Griffin: You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you.
Stewie Griffin: [sarcastic] Wonderful. And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin: Eh... yeah?
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter is visting Willy Wonka's chocolate factory]
Willy Wonka: I'll ask you one more time - are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory? [Peter has become a giant blueberry]
Peter Griffin: No.
Willy Wonka: I'm just asking...
Peter Griffin: What? Are you calling me a liar?
Willy Wonka: No, I'm just saying...
Peter Griffin: Hey, shut up, Wonka!
Willy Wonka: I'll ask you one more time - are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory? [Peter has become a giant blueberry]
Peter Griffin: No.
Willy Wonka: I'm just asking...
Peter Griffin: What? Are you calling me a liar?
Willy Wonka: No, I'm just saying...
Peter Griffin: Hey, shut up, Wonka!
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter is watching "Happy Days". Someone tries to talk to him]
Peter Griffin: Hold on! This is the one where the Fonz says "Aaay!"
Fonzi: Aaay!
Peter Griffin: YES! Take that, 1950's society!
Peter Griffin: Hold on! This is the one where the Fonz says "Aaay!"
Fonzi: Aaay!
Peter Griffin: YES! Take that, 1950's society!
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter is watching a beer commercial]
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you drink it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you drink it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter is watching a movie]
Brian Griffin: [walks into the room] What are you watching, Peter?
Peter Griffin: "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something... [cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard]
Peter Griffin: Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh! [stops screaming]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: Okay?
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: All right.
Brian Griffin: [walks into the room] What are you watching, Peter?
Peter Griffin: "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something... [cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard]
Peter Griffin: Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh! [stops screaming]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: Okay?
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: All right.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter is watching a pornographic video]
Woman on Tape: How about some whipped cream...
Peter Griffin: Ohh! That's always good.
Woman on Tape: ...and some cinnamon.
Peter Griffin: Ohh! Oh, that's good too.
Woman on Tape: And then guess what? I'm going to add...
Peter Griffin: Ah, Jeez! If she says "Mrs. Dash" I'm going to lose it.
Woman on Tape: How about some whipped cream...
Peter Griffin: Ohh! That's always good.
Woman on Tape: ...and some cinnamon.
Peter Griffin: Ohh! Oh, that's good too.
Woman on Tape: And then guess what? I'm going to add...
Peter Griffin: Ah, Jeez! If she says "Mrs. Dash" I'm going to lose it.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter makes a joke during a Christmas play]
Spectator #1: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something!
Spectator #2: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Spectator #1: Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
Spectator #1: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something!
Spectator #2: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Spectator #1: Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter saw Lois in a coffee shop talking with her old college boyfriend]
Peter Griffin: I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.
Peter Griffin: I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter tries to get a gay photo of Luke Perry]
Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt. You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.
Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt. You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter with Charles Manson and the Manson Family]
Peter Griffin: Guys. I got invited to Sharon Tate's house. Now you can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me.
Peter Griffin: Guys. I got invited to Sharon Tate's house. Now you can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are forming a band]
Brian Griffin: You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots at a karaoke bar doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're going to be awesome!
Brian Griffin: Wait, what am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I just - I'm ants at a picnic. All right, just making sure. [leaves]
Brian Griffin: You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots at a karaoke bar doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're going to be awesome!
Brian Griffin: Wait, what am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I just - I'm ants at a picnic. All right, just making sure. [leaves]
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter's new car has an electronic navigator with a Yakov Smirnoff mode]
Yakov Smirnoff Voice: Turn left at fork in road. In Soviet Russia, road forks you.
Yakov Smirnoff Voice: Turn left at fork in road. In Soviet Russia, road forks you.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Quagmire is talking to a woman from New York]
Glen Quagmire: Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side.
Woman (in deep voice): Sure.
Glen Quagmire: Whoa. Transvestite, back off. Wait a minute... pre-op or post-op?
Woman: Pre-op.
Glen Quagmire: Whoa. Transvestite, back off.
Glen Quagmire: Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side.
Woman (in deep voice): Sure.
Glen Quagmire: Whoa. Transvestite, back off. Wait a minute... pre-op or post-op?
Woman: Pre-op.
Glen Quagmire: Whoa. Transvestite, back off.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Glen Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
Glen Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Quagmire tries to hit on some women at a lesbian bar]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?
Glen Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?
TV Show: Family Guy