Family Guy Quotes
Chris Griffin: I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian Griffin: Ouch!
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg?
Meg Griffin: Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter... [Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing]
Stewie Griffin: She needs to get laid big time!
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: I'm so hungry I could ride a horse!... I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store I guess.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Mom, can I be excused from the table? Stewie is gonna help me with my math homework.
Lois Griffin: Honey, don't be silly. He's only a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Right, and you are a regular Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from? The University of Duuuuhhh?
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: See, my dad's smarter than yours.
Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, lardo.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin: UPN?
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: You should invent the frisbee! The frisbee is an awesome toy!
Meg Griffin: The frisbee's already been invented.
Chris Griffin: Then how come I've never heard of it?
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris: I haven't been this confused since the ending of "No Way Out". [Flashback to Chris & Brian coming out of a theater that's showing "No Way Out"]
Chris: How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?
TV Show: Family Guy
Adam West: [after hearing Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing"] I love this song! And I love it more when amateurs sing the lyrics! But I hate baseball cards.
TV Show: Family Guy
Adam West: [after killing a Noid that ruined most of his pizza] Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me.
TV Show: Family Guy
Adam West: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
Joe Swanson: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.
Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again. [he hangs up the phone]
Adam West: I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We!
TV Show: Family Guy
Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.
TV Show: Family Guy
Black Knight: Hey, what's your fat ass doing here?
Man: [sitting on a fat donkey] He's my only means of conveyance.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
Peter Griffin: Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B. [Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
Peter Griffin: [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
Brian Griffin: I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Stewie Griffin: [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie Griffin: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Can you please teach me how to drive?
Brian Griffin: Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter.
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian Griffin: Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest. [flashback]
Roadrunner: Meep Meep. [Peter's car runs over him]
Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote: No.
Peter Griffin: Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah. Keep going.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Chris! You're hogging all the fans!
Chris Griffin: Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Chris, change the channel. I want to watch George Lopez
Chris Griffin: That show just furthers the stereotype that George Lopez is funny!
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter Griffin: Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Guess what I am.
Stewie Griffin: Hmm, let me see. The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a damaged prophylactic?
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.
Lois Griffin: Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.
Stewie Griffin: Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: I made flag girl!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you made flag girl. Great. [pause]
Stewie Griffin: Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: I want to be a vet when I grow up.
Peter Griffin: Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction.
TV Show: Family Guy