Family Guy Quotes
Lois Griffin: Don't try to pawn this off on your sister! She's a good girl!
Chris Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time she strangled our other sister?
Lois Griffin: Oh, honey, we told you... that never happened. It was just a bad dream.
Chris Griffin: But I remember it so...
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: IT WAS A DREAM!
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Glen, I need your help.
Glen Quagmire: Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you.
Lois Griffin: What?
Glen Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Hello?
Peter Griffin: Lois? I can't take out the garbage because they're keeping me late at the office.
Lois Griffin: Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact... I can see you.
Peter Griffin: Can you see me now?
Lois Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: Okay, now I'm at the office.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: He's figured out how to get the twinkie.
Chris Griffin: Ha ha. I'm turning you into poo.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.
Serf: What you got there, m'lord?
Peter Griffin: Nothing! Back to your turnips!
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.
Brian Griffin: 'Mr. T' by Mr. T. 'T and Me' by George Peppard. 'For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T' by Ving Rhames. [shudders]
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.
Meg, Chris: MOM!
Peter Griffin: OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.
Chris Griffin: Awwwwwwwwwww...
Peter Griffin: OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on.
Peter Griffin: OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Meg, put your bib on.
Meg Griffin: I don't want to wear a bib.
Lois Griffin: Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter Griffin: She means your nipples are sticking out.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.
Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations.
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's so cute! You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid, like buy that time-share or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.
Lois Griffin: You taped over our wedding video?
Peter Griffin: Just the boring stuff.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Um... Lee Majors said it.
Lee Majors: What? Women are things.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, Brian please! Can't you two go back to the way you used to be? [cut to a scene with the same characters, but styled as a 1930s version might look, then cut back to the original scene]
Brian Griffin: I'm never going back to the way things were, not after the way I was treated, not after the things I've seen.
Chris Griffin: What did you see? Was it breasts?
Peter Griffin: Ah, geez, get over it Brian, I mean, how bad you have it here? When I found you, you were nothing but a stray.
Brian Griffin: [gasp] You swear, you never speak of that. [cut to flashback of Brian and Peter's first meeting: Brian is washing car windows for change, Peter is passing in his car]
Peter Griffin: Uh, no thank you, I just had it cleaned. [Brian starts cleaning window]
Peter Griffin: Oh. Ah, geez.
Brian Griffin: All set, sir.
Peter Griffin: I don't have any change, sorry.
Brian Griffin: Oh, that's okay. No charge.
Peter Griffin: Wait! Wait! Uh, you're hungry? 'Cause you know, my wife makes this beefaroni casserole, out of this world.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois Griffin: You pasted it over me.
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you take care of that...
Peter Griffin: What? Oh, my growth! Yeah, I had the doctor looking at it.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, that isn't your growth, that's your penis.
Peter Griffin: What about the...
Doctor: Testicles.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter Griffin: OH MY GOD. [runs off crying]
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you're cleared for landing!
Glen Quagmire: [off the screen] Giggitty!
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, I saw a really good deal on a used car in this newspaper.
Peter Griffin: Oh no. I knew a guy who bought a used car through a newspaper. Ten years later, BAM! Herpes.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
Peter Griffin: [flashback] I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. [Lois slugs Peter, knocking him out - cut to nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, punish Chris.
Peter Griffin: Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do. [Chris begins spanking himself]
Chris Griffin: OW. OW. OW. OW. This hurts me more than it hurts you.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.
Peter Griffin: Do... do I rub his nose in it?
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a naked man on this cake.
Peter Griffin: There were only two cakes left, and trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date.
Peter Griffin: Oh sorry, honey, I must have lost track of the time. But what do you say, eh? 'Think the guys will like it?
Lois Griffin: This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record. [grunts]
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, where's Chris?
Chris Griffin: I love you She Hulk.
Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: I... I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult. I need an adult.
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid. Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. [makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Lois, you are so full of... [a representative from the FCC blows an air horn, drowning out Peter's final word]
Peter Griffin: What? I can't say [horn]
Peter Griffin: in my own [horn]
Peter Griffin: house! [horn]
Peter Griffin: great, Lois! Just [horn]
Peter Griffin: great! You know, you're lucky you're good at [horn]
Peter Griffin: my [horn]
Peter Griffin: or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about, when you [horn]
Peter Griffin: a lubed up [horn]
Peter Griffin: of toothpaste in my [horn]
Peter Griffin: while you [horn]
Peter Griffin: on a cherry [horn]
Peter Griffin: Episcopalian [horn]
Peter Griffin: extension cord [horn]
Peter Griffin: wetness [horn]
Peter Griffin: with a parking ticket. That is the best.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, you've been wearing that giant cowboy hat for eight months now. Please for your family, take it off.
Peter Griffin: Hey! I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to. [Everybody wants Peter to take the hat off]
Peter Griffin: Get away!
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Peter, you've never done anything creative in your life!
Peter Griffin: That's not true! I wrote "Bonfire of the Vanities".
Lois Griffin: No, you didn't!
Peter Griffin: [after long pause] You win this round, Lois!
TV Show: Family Guy