Family Guy Quotes
Lois Griffin: So he just left without saying anything?
Peter Griffin: All I asked him to do was buy some peanuts and cracker jacks.
Brian Griffin: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: So how was your day?
Brian Griffin: My day? Un-freakin' believable. First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll, her doll for god's sake. Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for ya, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey, BAM, freakin' evaporated like a dingy stinkin' mudpuddle. One day you see your reflection in it and the next day it's a, it's a damn oil spot on your crack driveway, staring back at you, mocking at you, blah, blah, blah, knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was! [pause]
Peter Griffin: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room?
Stewie Griffin: Why don't you burn in hell?
Lois Griffin: Well, no dessert for you, young man.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Stewie? What are you doing here?
Stewie Griffin: [points a gun at Lois] Oh there is a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, with all indignity you force me to suffer for all these years!
Lois Griffin: Wha? What are you doing with a gun?
Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago! [Stewie shoots Lois]
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond.
Peter Griffin: Bond... James Bond. I'll do it.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.
Peter Griffin: Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it!
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Peter Griffin: Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Uh, uh, I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.
Lee Majors: What? Women are things.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: What happens if Meg develops a coke habit?
Peter Griffin: [shouts] No Coke! Pepsi!
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: What's going on?
Stewie Griffin: We're playing house.
Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine.
Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just - DEATH.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Why don't you take Joe caroling?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, that'd be as fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: What?
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: You all think Christmas just happens. You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky. Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So you can cook your own damn turkey. Wrap your own damn presents. And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois: It's like I always tell the kids: "Quitters never win" and "Don't trust Whitey".
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois: You see Meg, I'm like one of those Bald eagles on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at... but mess with one of my baby chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your [oven dings]
Lois: ... ing eyes out. Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate chip?
TV Show: Family Guy
Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis, " "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin. [wiggles his tongue like a snake]
TV Show: Family Guy
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie Griffin: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
TV Show: Family Guy
Little Girl: Ewww! Your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie Griffin: I was curious!
TV Show: Family Guy
Death's Mother: Put on a jacket or you'll get frostbite.
Death: I don't have any skin.
Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
TV Show: Family Guy
Cleveland: [seven hookers are sitting in Cleveland's living room] Okay Peter, that's it. You and five of those hookers get out!
TV Show: Family Guy
Cleveland: Hey, baby. How would you like to go black, and then make a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go back?
TV Show: Family Guy
Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.
TV Show: Family Guy
Cleveland: That tickles me in a way where, if Loretta were to tickle me that way, I'd say, "Oh... yeah, that's it... that's the spot."
TV Show: Family Guy
Cleveland: You can stay with us, Meg, I just hope you don't mind that my uncle died in the guest bedroom.
Meg Griffin: I guess that's OK. When did he die? [opens the bedroom, a dead body is lying on the bed]
Cleveland: We think it was some time between the Tonight Show and the Today Show.
TV Show: Family Guy
Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again. [bell rings]
Mr. Rogers: Oh! I think I hear a friend traveling.
Stewie Griffin: Actually it's your mortal enemy Stewie.
Mr. Rogers: W-what the?
Stewie Griffin: I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today Mr. Rogers, I dare say you find it quite in ruins.
Mr. Rogers: What? [Mr. Rogers looks out and all are dead and the cat is on fire]
Cat: [meowing] Skin graft! [meowing]
Mr. Rogers: Oh, my God!
Stewie Griffin: That's right! All dead. And now Mr. Rogers ? Fred - may as well drop blood formalities - I'm going to kill you anyway!
Mr. Rogers: No, please... don't!
Stewie Griffin: How ironic ? Rogers - it almost rhymes with... eliminate.
Mr. Rogers: No! [Stewie shoots him many times with his gun]
Stewie Griffin: [wakes up] Eh, what, what? What the devil?
Lois Griffin: It's okay. Stewie we're just tucking you to sleep.
Mr. Rogers: But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death.
Stewie Griffin: [wakes up from nightmare] Ahh!
TV Show: Family Guy
Bad Peter: Lie to her. It's okay to lie to women. They're not people like us.
Peter Griffin: Well, I don't know. [Looks for Good Peter]
Peter Griffin: Hey, where's the other guy?
Good Peter: [Is stuck in traffic on a heaven highway] Come on, you bastard, I'm late for work! [Spills coffee on his robe]
Good Peter: Oh oh oh, this is perfect.
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: [singing] You and I are / So awfully different / Too awfully different / To ever be pals
Stewie Griffin: Do you want to go first?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, I'll go! Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're one to talk! You get a stiffy from Felicia Rashad /
Brian Griffin: Oh, one time! [gets a sudden erection]
Stewie Griffin: I've a style flair / Just look at my hip hair
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, that - that's quite a nice do there /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, thanks!
Brian Griffin: [imitating Triumph the Insult Comic Dog] For me to POOP on!
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Oh, come on! You look like Charlie Brown!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, bite me, Snoopy!
Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: There's not / A whole lot / That we've got / To agree on
Brian Griffin: 'Cause I love the strings of a classical score /
Stewie Griffin: And I like that singer who looks like a whore /
Brian Griffin: Ricky Martin?
Stewie Griffin: Love him!
Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: We're too different to ever be pals /
TV Show: Family Guy
Brian Griffin: [appalled by the students being stupid] Nobody can be this stupid, not even Peter when he took that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company!
Peter Griffin: [cutaway to Peter ending the kitchen dressed as 'Larry'] Jack, there's a hot-tub party across the street and we're invited!
Brian Griffin: What are you talking about?
TV Show: Family Guy