Father Ted Quotes
Bishop Brennan: Normally you wouldn't be able to organize a nun shoot in a nunnery.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: Knock-knock, Ted.
Father Ted: Who's there?
Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted: Good night, Dougal.
Father Ted: Who's there?
Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted: Good night, Dougal.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: Ready Ted? Let's do it!
Father Ted: Dougal, don't take it so seriously, it's just a bit of fun. [some time later; Ted has smoked so many cigarettes the room is filled with smoke]
Father Ted: Just play the f - king note!
Father Dougal: The first one?
Father Ted: [angry yelling] No not the f - king first one! The f - king first one's already f - king down! Just play the f - king note you were f - king playing earlier! I've been playing the f - king first one! We have the f - king first one!
Father Ted: Dougal, don't take it so seriously, it's just a bit of fun. [some time later; Ted has smoked so many cigarettes the room is filled with smoke]
Father Ted: Just play the f - king note!
Father Dougal: The first one?
Father Ted: [angry yelling] No not the f - king first one! The f - king first one's already f - king down! Just play the f - king note you were f - king playing earlier! I've been playing the f - king first one! We have the f - king first one!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
TV Show: Father Ted
[In the hospital waiting area]
Father Dougal McGuire: Who would have thought being hit by lightening would land you in hospital?
Father Ted Crilly: What? What are you talking about? Of course it can land you in hospital
Father Dougal McGuire: Well it's not usually serious is it Ted. I mean, I was hit by lightening a few times and I never had to go to hospital.
Father Ted Crilly: Yes Dougal, but you're different from most people. All that happened to you was that balloons kept sticking to you.
Father Dougal McGuire: Who would have thought being hit by lightening would land you in hospital?
Father Ted Crilly: What? What are you talking about? Of course it can land you in hospital
Father Dougal McGuire: Well it's not usually serious is it Ted. I mean, I was hit by lightening a few times and I never had to go to hospital.
Father Ted Crilly: Yes Dougal, but you're different from most people. All that happened to you was that balloons kept sticking to you.
TV Show: Father Ted
[Ted answers the phone]
Bishop Len Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted Crilly: Oh feck!
Bishop Len Brennan: What?
Father Ted Crilly: Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere. [Ted hangs up]
Father Ted Crilly: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal McGuire: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted Crilly: It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number. [the phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Bishop Len Brennan: Crilly.
Father Ted Crilly: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.
Bishop Len Brennan: Shut up, Crilly, just shut up!
Bishop Len Brennan: Crilly, It's me.
Father Ted Crilly: Oh feck!
Bishop Len Brennan: What?
Father Ted Crilly: Who ees thees? Zere is no Creely 'ere. [Ted hangs up]
Father Ted Crilly: God almighty! I just said "feck" to Bishop Brennan!
Father Dougal McGuire: Oho! He won't like that!
Father Ted Crilly: It might be alright though. I disguised my voice so he'd think he dialled the wrong number. [the phone rings, Ted picks it up]
Bishop Len Brennan: Crilly.
Father Ted Crilly: Ah, Bishop Brennan. I think you must have got the wrong number when you called there.
Bishop Len Brennan: Shut up, Crilly, just shut up!
TV Show: Father Ted
(After Dougal pretends to be onTop of the Popsusing the screen from the broken TV.)
Father Jack: How did that gobshite get on the television???!!!
Father Jack: How did that gobshite get on the television???!!!
TV Show: Father Ted
Mrs Doyle: Now... (pouring Jack a cup of tea) ... and what do you say to a cup?
Father Jack: Feck off, cup!
Father Jack: Feck off, cup!
TV Show: Father Ted
(Dougal struggles to remember his prayers.)
Father Dougal: Our Father, who art in heaven...
Father Ted: (sternly) Hallowed.
Father Dougal: Hallowed be thy..
Father Ted: Name!
Father Dougal: Papa don't preach...
Father Dougal: Our Father, who art in heaven...
Father Ted: (sternly) Hallowed.
Father Dougal: Hallowed be thy..
Father Ted: Name!
Father Dougal: Papa don't preach...
TV Show: Father Ted
(As Dougal and Ted attempt to sleep.)
Father Dougal: Knock, knock!
Father Ted: Who's there?
Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted: Good night Dougal!
Father Dougal: Knock, knock!
Father Ted: Who's there?
Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted: Good night Dougal!
TV Show: Father Ted
Tom (wearing an "I Shot JR" T-shirt): Father?
Father Ted: Yes, Tom?
Tom: I've killed a man.
Father Ted: (nonchalantly) Did you, Tom? I'll have to talk to you about that later. I'm going to do an interview for the television!
Father Ted: Yes, Tom?
Tom: I've killed a man.
Father Ted: (nonchalantly) Did you, Tom? I'll have to talk to you about that later. I'm going to do an interview for the television!
TV Show: Father Ted
Terry (On the phone to Ted): Where is Craggy Island?. We can't find it on any maps.
Ted (smiling): Oh no, it wouldn't be on any maps. We're not exactly New York!
Ted (smiling): Oh no, it wouldn't be on any maps. We're not exactly New York!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!
TV Show: Father Ted
(As Ted and Dougal watch Dougal on the newly repaired TV.)
Father Jack: That gobshite again! Is he never off the air?! (hurls glass bottle at the television.)
Father Jack: That gobshite again! Is he never off the air?! (hurls glass bottle at the television.)
TV Show: Father Ted
Mary: Titface! Y'have a face like a pair of tits!
John: At least that's one pair between us.
John: At least that's one pair between us.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.
Father Dougal: Your brother is a doctor isn't he?
Father Ted: Yes he is.
Father Dougal: Your brother is a doctor isn't he?
Father Ted: Yes he is.
TV Show: Father Ted
Dermot Stone: Terrible is the word, Father. I tell you Father terrible is too small a word, and you just look what you've done to your mother you lazy little bastard, you're useless! Now Father I'm sorry for him causing you all this trouble. God forgive me for saying this but wouldn't it have been better if he had been killed!
TV Show: Father Ted
Dougal: Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?
Father Ted: That wasn't a banana, Dougal.
Father Ted: That wasn't a banana, Dougal.
TV Show: Father Ted
Dougal: ...was Sergeant Thornton a policeman?
John O'Leary: Er...he was, yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Ah, I thought he was just having a laugh.
John O'Leary: Er...he was, yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Ah, I thought he was just having a laugh.
TV Show: Father Ted
Sergeant Deegan: God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
Father Ted: Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?
Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.
Father Ted: Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?
Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.
TV Show: Father Ted
Henry Sellers: Oh what a shower of bastards!
Father Dunne: Oh Lord Ted!, why did you give him a drink?
Father Ted: I didn't know this would happen!
Father Dunne: That's why they sacked him from that programme, he's a terrible alcoholic and he's been on the wagon now for a year, Oh my god Ted!
Father Ted: How was I supposed to know?
Henry Sellers: Sack me!, Sack me! I made the BBC! (sobs) I made it!
Father Ted: Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better?
Henry Sellers: Get away from me, priest!
Father Ted: Perhaps it's time to go to bed!
Father Ted: (After Henry kicks television) Good man there's nothing on anyway!
Henry Sellers: Do you want a fight?!
Henry Sellers: Bloody priests, sanctimonious scumbags!
Father Ted: Absolutely!
Henry Sellers: Made my life a bloody misery!
Father Ted: Sorry about that are you sure you don't want to go to bed, we could stay up a bit longer perhaps!
Henry Sellers: Oh I'm fed up of you bastards! I'm getting outta here don't you try and stop me (Smashes through window)
Father Dougal: It's true what they say isn't it you should never meet your heroes you'll only be disappointed!
Father Dunne: Oh Lord Ted!, why did you give him a drink?
Father Ted: I didn't know this would happen!
Father Dunne: That's why they sacked him from that programme, he's a terrible alcoholic and he's been on the wagon now for a year, Oh my god Ted!
Father Ted: How was I supposed to know?
Henry Sellers: Sack me!, Sack me! I made the BBC! (sobs) I made it!
Father Ted: Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better?
Henry Sellers: Get away from me, priest!
Father Ted: Perhaps it's time to go to bed!
Father Ted: (After Henry kicks television) Good man there's nothing on anyway!
Henry Sellers: Do you want a fight?!
Henry Sellers: Bloody priests, sanctimonious scumbags!
Father Ted: Absolutely!
Henry Sellers: Made my life a bloody misery!
Father Ted: Sorry about that are you sure you don't want to go to bed, we could stay up a bit longer perhaps!
Henry Sellers: Oh I'm fed up of you bastards! I'm getting outta here don't you try and stop me (Smashes through window)
Father Dougal: It's true what they say isn't it you should never meet your heroes you'll only be disappointed!
TV Show: Father Ted
Henry Sellers: Oh well, since I didn't humiliate myself too much last time, I might as well have a glass of champagne. Cheers!
Father Ted: Henry, no!
[Henry drinks the glass of champagne in one gulp]
Henry Sellers: Mmm! Don't worry, Father. Sure, if I can't celebrate tonight, then when can I, the bastards! What the hell is going on here, how dare they do this to me?! How dare they sack me! I'm Henry Sellers! I'm Henry Sellers!
[Henry throws himself out of the window, and the sound of his voice trails off]
Father Ted: Well, there he goes again.
Father Dougal: You're right there, Ted.
Father Ted: Never mind, we can look for him in the morning.
Father Ted: Henry, no!
[Henry drinks the glass of champagne in one gulp]
Henry Sellers: Mmm! Don't worry, Father. Sure, if I can't celebrate tonight, then when can I, the bastards! What the hell is going on here, how dare they do this to me?! How dare they sack me! I'm Henry Sellers! I'm Henry Sellers!
[Henry throws himself out of the window, and the sound of his voice trails off]
Father Ted: Well, there he goes again.
Father Dougal: You're right there, Ted.
Father Ted: Never mind, we can look for him in the morning.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Jack: (as Dougal wheels him on his chair with Mrs Doyle holding the door) Nuns! NUNS! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: (as Tom comes out of the Post Office with money, to the sound of a robbery alarm and a gunshot) Ya haven't been up to your auld tricks again, have ya?
Tom: No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.
Tom: No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.
TV Show: Father Ted
Sister Monica: Oh Holy Mother of God! He's dead!
Father Dougal: What's the problem there, sister?
Father Dougal: What's the problem there, sister?
TV Show: Father Ted