Father Ted Quotes
Father Dougal: Well we are gathered here today to join two people... oh wait, that's not it...
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: So anyway, you're there now with Our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley and my own parents...,
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Right, well it looks bad alright. I called Dr. Sinnot, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Jim Sutton: Why is it always the good ones? You BASTARD! (shakes fist to Heaven) He could've been Pope! No no no, he's dead Ted awww we'll never see him again!
Father Ted: We'll see him in the next world.
Father Jim Sutton: Oh yeah, sure!!
Father Ted: We'll see him in the next world.
Father Jim Sutton: Oh yeah, sure!!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal, catching Jack's will after Ted faints: Half a million pounds each? (Scans document) Ah no. Between us. It's only a quarter of a million pounds each Ted. Ted? Ted? (looks around confused)
TV Show: Father Ted
Laura Sweeney: When is the funeral again?
Father Dougal: Again? We haven't had the first one yet!
Father Dougal: Again? We haven't had the first one yet!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal to Laura Sweeney: If you're a solicitor I'm Boy George. (Next scene) Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon...
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: It's true what they say about these career women. They're very aggressive.
Father Dougal: Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted?
Father Ted: Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that...
Father Dougal: Ah, you would. They use very bad language.
Father Ted: Effin' this and effin' that...
Father Dougal: Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu...
Father Ted: Now, Dougal!
Father Dougal: Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted?
Father Ted: Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that...
Father Dougal: Ah, you would. They use very bad language.
Father Ted: Effin' this and effin' that...
Father Dougal: Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu...
Father Ted: Now, Dougal!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal (on confessions): A load of strangers telling you their sins. Sure who'd be bothered with that?
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: Ted do you believe in the afterlife?
Father Ted: Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife.
Father Dougal: Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted!
Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"?
Father Ted: Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife.
Father Dougal: Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted!
Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"?
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!
Father Ted: [astounded] I'm sorry!?
Father Dougal: I said I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!
Father Ted: Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal!?
Father Dougal: I have, yeah Ted, you big gobshite!
Father Ted: [astounded] I'm sorry!?
Father Dougal: I said I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks!
Father Ted: Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal!?
Father Dougal: I have, yeah Ted, you big gobshite!
TV Show: Father Ted
Mrs Doyle: It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?
TV Show: Father Ted
Mrs Doyle (on saying "no"): It's a lovely word Our Lord gave us here on earth for when we don't want any cake!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal (on the Magic Road): That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and fishes!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: Will I put on the kettle?
Father Ted: Go on then.
Father Dougal: ...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically.
Father Ted: Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?
Father Dougal: ...no.
Father Ted: Go on then.
Father Dougal: ...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically.
Father Ted: Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags?
Father Dougal: ...no.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: Kettle's boiled there Ted.
Father Ted: Mmm.
Father Dougal: Will I put more water in and turn it on again?
Father Ted: No... I liked it best the first time.
Father Ted: Mmm.
Father Dougal: Will I put more water in and turn it on again?
Father Ted: No... I liked it best the first time.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal.
Father Ted: ...OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there are far away. Small... far away... ah forget it!
Father Ted: ...OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there are far away. Small... far away... ah forget it!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: Do you want to walk over to that fence?
Father Ted: Oh no, best not; I don't want to blow up with excitement
Father Ted: Oh no, best not; I don't want to blow up with excitement
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Noel Furlong (on Tony Lynch): He wasn't like that last night when he crawled into bed at ten past the eleven!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Noel Furlong (on Ted and Dougal's strong bladders): Ye're like a bunch of camels!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal (as Ted struggles with the car door): You're alright there, Ted. He's a fair bit away ... it might be worth speeding up a bit there.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: God Ted, he's probably very cold now that his towel has blown away!
TV Show: Father Ted
The parochial house roof is leaking, and they need to raise some money...
Father Ted: God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money?
Father Dougal: Hmmm....
Ted: Yes, I know. Aha! (give knowing glance)
Dougal: Aha!
Ted: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Dougal: I think so, Ted. But now wait, I'm not sure....
Ted: What?
Dougal: I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns?
Ted: (mystified) What are you talking about?
Dougal: Oh, wait a minute now - actually I might have been thinking about something different...
Ted: You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you?
Dougal: I did, yeah!
Ted: Well, Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.
Father Ted: God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money?
Father Dougal: Hmmm....
Ted: Yes, I know. Aha! (give knowing glance)
Dougal: Aha!
Ted: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Dougal: I think so, Ted. But now wait, I'm not sure....
Ted: What?
Dougal: I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns?
Ted: (mystified) What are you talking about?
Dougal: Oh, wait a minute now - actually I might have been thinking about something different...
Ted: You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you?
Dougal: I did, yeah!
Ted: Well, Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: (Panicked) No Father don't drink that it's...
Father Jack: FECKIN' WATER!
Father Jack: FECKIN' WATER!
TV Show: Father Ted