Father Ted Quotes

Father Purcell: We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler..."
Father Ted: Are you alright there Fathers?
Father Jack: Help me!!
Father Purcell: Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?
Father Ted: Er I don't know what you're....
Father Purcell: Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that!
Father Ted: (to Father Purcell) Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...
Father Jack: Thank CHRIST!
Father Purcell: Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: (on struggling to make out the number eleven on his ticket) Sorry Ted, I was looking at the ticket upside down.

TV Show: Father Ted
Father O'Dwyer: Look, I'll have the money for you next week. Please, just one more chance that's all I ask, please. For Gods sake have some pity. I'm a priest!
Father Purcell: Oh they have you everywhere you know. I was in the AA there for a while, but the insurance was very expensive.
Father Dougal: Oh right (getting bored)
Father Purcell: I had to crash the car to get the money back and they had witnesses who said they'd seen me steer it towards the wall you know. There was talk of me going to jail for a while!! (Dougal gets up and walks off, he turns to the holy father) Ah its yourself!! (carries on rambling on to Him)

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Father Jack, where did you get the air freshener?
Father Jack: CAR!
Father Ted: Oh, god...
Father Jack: Drived the car!
Father Ted: Not the new car! Tell me the truth, Father, have you been drinking?
Father Jack: (looks at the half-empty bottle of whisky he's holding and thinks for a moment) YES!
Father Ted: Tell me from the beginning. Where did you drive?
Father Jack: Shops! Drink! Corner! Shops! Got out! TRUCK!
Father Ted: A truck?!
Father Jack: (smashing two empty cans of lager together) TWO trucks!!!
Father Ted: Let's take a look. See if there's anything we can salvage.

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Purcell: This is a piece of advice my father gave to me. Now this refers not only to lagging, but all forms of insulation. He said "dont ever"...no, wait, it was "always"...no er, "never, never" - oh wait now, I've forgotten. Never mind. Whats your favourite humming noise? Would it be mmm-mmmmm or would it be mmmm-mm? The first one there, now thats the sound of a fridge humming and the second one, now thats the sound of a man humming. You never hear a woman humming. I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards. Now if you push me to it, I'd have to say my favourite colour is grey. No, blue. A soft blue with a hint of grey. No, orange. Yes, orange. I remember now. I had an extension put on the house, and I put it on the extension, so the house is in a circle now, you see...

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Bloody hell!
Father Dougal: Good news Ted?

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: (on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there?
Father Ted: No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: But who cares anyway? They come in, they strip down the wallpaper, they fumigate the place and then they're gone!
Father Ted: Dougal! They're bishops!

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: (looking out of the window with binoculars) No sign of them yet Ted...
Father Ted: (points to bishops on sofa) Ahem, Dougal, eh they're here.

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: Bishops love sci-fi!

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague and no one really knows what it's about.

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Jack: (to Bishop O'Neill) That would be an ecumenical matter.
Bishop O'Neill: Yes. I suppose it would! That's a good point Father.

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in?
Mrs Doyle: No, a dog ran off with them.

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Dougal, do you know if we have any incense?
Father Dougal: (after a wide-eyed long pause) There was a spider in the bath last night.

TV Show: Father Ted
Bishop O'Neill: So Father, do you ever have any doubts? Is your faith ever tested? Any trouble you've been having with beliefs or anything like that?
Father Dougal: Well you know the way God made us, and he's looking down at us from heaven?
Bishop O'Neill: Yeah...
Father Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?
Bishop O'Neill: Uh huh...
Father Dougal: And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven?
Bishop O'Neill: Yes. What about it?
Father Dougal: Well that's the part I have trouble with!

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: (to Bishop O'Neill) So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?

TV Show: Father Ted
All: Amen.
Father Dougal: Eamonn.

TV Show: Father Ted
Bishop O'Neill: Everlasting Life? Big Demons sticking hot pokers up Your arse for all Eternity? I don't buy it

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: God Ted, I've heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and judge us all.
Father Ted: No...no Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism you're talking about there.
Father Dougal: Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn't it Ted?

TV Show: Father Ted
Frank: Fup off, you grasshole!

TV Show: Father Ted
Dougal: I've got Eurosong fever, Ted.
Ted: Yeah?
Dougal: Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can't wait. What time is it now?
Father Ted: Half past one.
Dougal: Half one?! And the competition is on in...
Father Ted: May.

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: [Intensely] Let's do it!
Father Ted: [Soothing] Dougal, don't take it so seriously. At the end of the day, it's all just a bit of fun.
[Later; Ted is smoking a cigarette and the room is filled with smoke]
Father Ted: [Tense] Just play the [beep!]ing note!
Father Dougal: The first one?
Father Ted: [Exploding] No not the [beep!]ing first one! The [beep!]ing first one's already [beep!]ing down! Just play the [beep!]ing note you were [beep!]ing playing earlier! I've been playing the [beep!]ing first one! We have the [beep!]ing first one!

TV Show: Father Ted
Charles Hedges: Hello, Father Crilly. I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening, and this is...
Father Ted': Oh, you don't need to tell me! Mr. Rickwood, I'm delighted to meet you. I thought you did a brilliant job presenting last year's show.
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Wellthatsthebusinesslikeyouknowwhatimeanyouknowinandoutthedoorsandgiddyup!
Father Ted: Sorry?
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Likethebusinessyouknowgetitoutthedoorsandgiddyup.
Father Ted: Ah, yes...
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Wellanywayshamehithimshaveabollock. [exits]
Father Ted: Mmm. Mmm. I have to say, he sounded a lot better on last year's show.
Charles Hedges: Well, once he's on the stage, he's fine.
Father Ted: Alright, do you know him a long time?
Charles Hedges: Yes, yes, yes, we've been partners for ten years.
Father Ted: Oh, right, you run the production company together?
Charles Hedges: No, no, he's my lover.

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: What will we call Jack then? Flipper? Flipper the Priest!
Father Jack: Yes?

TV Show: Father Ted
Bishop Brennan: Crilly, it's me, Bishop Brennan.
Father Ted: Oh feck! [realises his mistake]
Bishop Brennan: WHAT!?
Father Ted: [putting on a bad French accent] Oh is dis? Zere is no Crilly 'ere! [hangs up]

TV Show: Father Ted
Bishop Brennan: Alright Crilly, I'll make this short. What would the following suggest to you: "Jack", "sleep-walking", and "bollock-naked"?
Father Ted: Oh no!
Bishop Brennan: Now this is the third time in the last six months! You may have heard of Brian Noonan, a very important Junior Minister- and a personal friend of mine- and I can tell you now the last thing he and his family needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing only a hat and a pair of socks! Now I'll be around on Thursday to inspect security arrangements, and Crilly...
Father Ted: Yes, your Grace?
Bishop Brennan: [referring to the previous call] If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms!

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: It's like a big rabbit rock festival!

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Jack: (points at rabbits) Rats!
Father Ted: Yes father, we can see them as well.
Father Jack: Hairy Japanese bastards!

TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: That's a very nice sword. Where exactly are you going to put the rabbits?
Tom: In the vice, father.

TV Show: Father Ted
Tom: (about the rabbits) I could run them down in me van!

TV Show: Father Ted