Father Ted Quotes
Tom: Have you nothing I could kill at all all, Father?
Father Ted: Uh no Tom, no.
Tom: Well, feck it anyway!
Father Ted: Run Dougal, run quite fast!
Father Ted: Uh no Tom, no.
Tom: Well, feck it anyway!
Father Ted: Run Dougal, run quite fast!
TV Show: Father Ted
Bishop Brennan: Once Again I am forced from my comfy fireside to deal with the cast of Police Academy.
TV Show: Father Ted
Mrs Doyle: Your tyres look a bit flat. I could give them a blow up for you with the pump!
TV Show: Father Ted
Mrs Doyle: (on Bishop Brennan's car) So it'd do a terrible amount of damage if I put petrol in?
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: (trying to stall Bishop Brennan) Who'd have thought somebody from Limerick'd get this far?
Father Dougal: (shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?
Bishop Brennan: What did he just say?!
Father Ted: Ah, I can explain...
Bishop Brennan: Did he call me Len again? You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!
Father Dougal: (shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?
Bishop Brennan: What did he just say?!
Father Ted: Ah, I can explain...
Bishop Brennan: Did he call me Len again? You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Because Dougal, my nerves are shot. I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit here is the one sitting in your head working the controls.
TV Show: Father Ted
Niamh Conolly: The church in Ireland secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, and they hid the potatoes in pillows and sold them abroad in potato fairs. And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were makin' the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children.
Father Ted: God almighty, she says that as if there's something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?!
Father Ted: God almighty, she says that as if there's something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: I suppose, I made your vow for you. But I know that deep down inside you'd like to make a little sacrifice.
Father Jack: Sacrifice?! Arse!!
Father Jack: Sacrifice?! Arse!!
TV Show: Father Ted
Nun: On special offer this month we have the Lenten package. £150 - plus V.A.T. - plus booking fee, that's £200.
Father Ted: £200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!
Father Ted: £200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!
TV Show: Father Ted
Mrs Doyle: (While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Jack: (having sobered up) Where are the other two?
Father Ted: "Other two?" Oh, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us Father.
Father Jack: And what do you two do?
Father Ted: Well, we're priests.
Father Jack: What? Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that fecking island!
Father Ted: How are you feeling, Father? It must be great to be sober every once in a while. Or... every twelve years.
Father Ted: "Other two?" Oh, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us Father.
Father Jack: And what do you two do?
Father Ted: Well, we're priests.
Father Jack: What? Priests? Don't tell me I'm still on that fecking island!
Father Ted: How are you feeling, Father? It must be great to be sober every once in a while. Or... every twelve years.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Jack: (After sobering up) (pointing at various items in the room) Chair! Curtains! Floor! (points at Father Ted) Gobshite!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Jack: (After sobering up) Hey! Hey, you there! What the hell is this? (holds up a spoon)
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Jack [sees Sister Assumpta]: Nan!
Father Ted: No, Father this is a nun.
Father Jack [Terrified]: Nun! [screams and runs out the window]
Father Ted: [Waves] Bye, Father! He's just out for his walk...
Father Ted: No, Father this is a nun.
Father Jack [Terrified]: Nun! [screams and runs out the window]
Father Ted: [Waves] Bye, Father! He's just out for his walk...
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Fintan Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Father Ted: Oh, go right ahead.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.
Father Ted: Oh, go right ahead.
Father Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: He's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God Ted I've never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Father Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning!
Dougal: God Ted I've never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Father Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Fintan Stack: What are we watching?
Father Ken Dillon: We're looking at the sports day.
Father Fintan Stack: Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!
Father Ted: Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.
Father Stack: Yes I am.
Father Rory Shanahan: Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.
Father Stack: If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.
(Door swings open, sound of beer cans being kicked. Dougal is very obviously drunk)
Father Ted: Dougal, where did you go to?
Dougal: Ted, how are ya!
Father Ted: (Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists) Dougal, what the...
Dougal: Guess what, Ted?
Father Ted: What?
Dougal: (confused) What?
Father Ted: Dougal! Have you been drinking?
Dougal: I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack) No I haven't!
Father Ted: Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.
Dougal: (shakes Ted) Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy.
Father Stack: Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.
Father Ted: Oh, well, that is the last straw.
Dougal: I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)
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Father Ken Dillon: We're looking at the sports day.
Father Fintan Stack: Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!
Father Ted: Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.
Father Stack: Yes I am.
Father Rory Shanahan: Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.
Father Stack: If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.
(Door swings open, sound of beer cans being kicked. Dougal is very obviously drunk)
Father Ted: Dougal, where did you go to?
Dougal: Ted, how are ya!
Father Ted: (Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists) Dougal, what the...
Dougal: Guess what, Ted?
Father Ted: What?
Dougal: (confused) What?
Father Ted: Dougal! Have you been drinking?
Dougal: I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack) No I haven't!
Father Ted: Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.
Dougal: (shakes Ted) Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy.
Father Stack: Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.
Father Ted: Oh, well, that is the last straw.
Dougal: I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)
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TV Show: Father Ted
Father Noel Furlong: Oh God! He must have seen his reflection! He's not supposed to see his reflection! He doesn't know he's a priest!
TV Show: Father Ted
[the priests are holding a competition to find out who should get the two parachutes on the plane]
Father Ted: Father Cave, do you want to go first?
Father Cave: I haven't written this down, because this comes from the heart. Father Gallagher, I've known you and been your friend for many years. And I think it's important to say, I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever loved! I don't want the parachute, give it to him! [sits down and bursts into tears, while the other priests look taken aback]
Father Ted: R-right, well done, Father Cave. Father Fay?
[Fay stands up, clears his throat, then yells monkey-style gibberish while waving his arms around. The other priests look awed and clap admiringly]
Father Ted: Well, beat that! Joe?
Father Joe Briefly: I think I should get the parachute because I'm great. In fact, I think I should get both the parachutes, in case one of them doesn't work! [disapproving grumbles from the other priests]
Father Ted: Not a popular one, Joe. Father Flynn, what did you write?
Father Flynn: I haven't written anything, because I'm not really good at that type of thing. But I did a drawing.
Father Ted: Right, well, can we have a look?
[Flynn reveals the drawing; it shows himself naked from behind, while walking a dog]
Father Flynn: What do you think?
Father Ted: Well, er...
Father Flynn: It's me, in the nip, with a dog!
Father Ted: [bewildered] What... how... how does that help you win a parachute?
Father Flynn: What do you mean, parachute? I wasn't listening at the start, there. Why would I want a parachute?
Father Ted: The plane's in trouble, and there's a competition to see who gets a parachute.
Father Flynn: Ohh... [sits down, looking shellshocked]
Father Ted: Father Cave, do you want to go first?
Father Cave: I haven't written this down, because this comes from the heart. Father Gallagher, I've known you and been your friend for many years. And I think it's important to say, I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever loved! I don't want the parachute, give it to him! [sits down and bursts into tears, while the other priests look taken aback]
Father Ted: R-right, well done, Father Cave. Father Fay?
[Fay stands up, clears his throat, then yells monkey-style gibberish while waving his arms around. The other priests look awed and clap admiringly]
Father Ted: Well, beat that! Joe?
Father Joe Briefly: I think I should get the parachute because I'm great. In fact, I think I should get both the parachutes, in case one of them doesn't work! [disapproving grumbles from the other priests]
Father Ted: Not a popular one, Joe. Father Flynn, what did you write?
Father Flynn: I haven't written anything, because I'm not really good at that type of thing. But I did a drawing.
Father Ted: Right, well, can we have a look?
[Flynn reveals the drawing; it shows himself naked from behind, while walking a dog]
Father Flynn: What do you think?
Father Ted: Well, er...
Father Flynn: It's me, in the nip, with a dog!
Father Ted: [bewildered] What... how... how does that help you win a parachute?
Father Flynn: What do you mean, parachute? I wasn't listening at the start, there. Why would I want a parachute?
Father Ted: The plane's in trouble, and there's a competition to see who gets a parachute.
Father Flynn: Ohh... [sits down, looking shellshocked]
TV Show: Father Ted
[After Ted has climbed out of the plane, reattached the fuel line to the engine and saved the day, he remembers his fear of flying]
Father Ted: [terrified] AHHHHHH! WHAT AM I DOING ON THE FECKING WHEELS!? AHHHH!
Father Ted: [terrified] AHHHHHH! WHAT AM I DOING ON THE FECKING WHEELS!? AHHHH!
TV Show: Father Ted
Dougal: God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.
Father Ted': Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?
Father Jack: A pair of feckin' women's knickers!
Father Ted: Who knows...
Father Jack: Knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father.
Father Jack: Women's knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father, Yes! Message understood.
Father Ted': Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?
Father Jack: A pair of feckin' women's knickers!
Father Ted: Who knows...
Father Jack: Knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father.
Father Jack: Women's knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father, Yes! Message understood.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Oh God, Dougal. We're in Lingerie!
Dougal: Where's the problem there, Ted?
Dougal: Where's the problem there, Ted?
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Who's got the most boring voice?
Billy: What?
Father Ted: Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice?
Fitzgerald: (extremely dull voice) That'd be me, Ted...
Father Ted: Right, now, listen to me--
Fitzgerald: I have an awful dreary monotonous voice, God help me...
Father Ted: Yes, yes, now listen--
Reilly: (loud stage voice) Ted! Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?
Fitzgerald: No. He said boring. He wanted a boring voice.
Reilly: In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption!
Father Ted: Listen! This is what we're going to do...
Dougal: (to Father Terry) What's going on?
Terry: I think Ted has a plan.
Dougal: No, I mean in general.
Terry: Well, he's going to get us out of the lingerie section.
Fitzgerald: (speaking into intercom, boring voice) Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close. Hurry up. Come on, hurry up, will ye...
(customers begin to walk towards the gathered priests)
Father Ted: (grabbing the microphone) Not that way, for feck's sake, the other way!
Billy: What?
Father Ted: Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice?
Fitzgerald: (extremely dull voice) That'd be me, Ted...
Father Ted: Right, now, listen to me--
Fitzgerald: I have an awful dreary monotonous voice, God help me...
Father Ted: Yes, yes, now listen--
Reilly: (loud stage voice) Ted! Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?
Fitzgerald: No. He said boring. He wanted a boring voice.
Reilly: In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption!
Father Ted: Listen! This is what we're going to do...
Dougal: (to Father Terry) What's going on?
Terry: I think Ted has a plan.
Dougal: No, I mean in general.
Terry: Well, he's going to get us out of the lingerie section.
Fitzgerald: (speaking into intercom, boring voice) Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close. Hurry up. Come on, hurry up, will ye...
(customers begin to walk towards the gathered priests)
Father Ted: (grabbing the microphone) Not that way, for feck's sake, the other way!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Hello, is that being vaguely unhappy but not being able to figure out exactly why?
Priest 1: No, this is 'how to break the news of a death.'
Priest 2: We were just talking about techniques, I say it's best to just get it over quickly, 'Your husband's dead and he's not coming back, get used to it!'
Priest 1: Ah, yes, but sometimes a few little hints help, like 'remember how your husband USED to love a good laugh!'"
Priest 1: No, this is 'how to break the news of a death.'
Priest 2: We were just talking about techniques, I say it's best to just get it over quickly, 'Your husband's dead and he's not coming back, get used to it!'
Priest 1: Ah, yes, but sometimes a few little hints help, like 'remember how your husband USED to love a good laugh!'"
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.
Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren't they great? The Chinese; a great bunch of lads.
TV Show: Father Ted