Father Ted Quotes
Father Ted: I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas...priests... More drink! (All cheer)
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Seamus Fitzpatrick: YOU LIAR! You broke all the plates and then you said "Ah, I am so tired! I never had to wash up plates when I was in the Wehrmacht!
TV Show: Father Ted
[Father Fitzpatrick and his Nazi friend take two valium]
Father Seamus Fitzpatrick: Wait, these aren't Valium! These are the cyanide pills we kept for emergencies! You put cyanide next to the Valium, you old fool, that's asking for trouble!
Nazi Veteran: Oh, shut up!
Father Seamus Fitzpatrick: You shut up! We've only got fifteen seconds to live!
Father Seamus Fitzpatrick: Wait, these aren't Valium! These are the cyanide pills we kept for emergencies! You put cyanide next to the Valium, you old fool, that's asking for trouble!
Nazi Veteran: Oh, shut up!
Father Seamus Fitzpatrick: You shut up! We've only got fifteen seconds to live!
TV Show: Father Ted
Mrs Doyle: Do you think our new guest would like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow.
Father Ted: I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (laughs)
Indiscernible audience member at the competition(whenever something shocking is revealed): Fucking hell!
Father Ted: I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (laughs)
Indiscernible audience member at the competition(whenever something shocking is revealed): Fucking hell!
TV Show: Father Ted
Alan: Should I call the police, Father?
Father Ted: No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily...with sheep.
Father Ted: No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily...with sheep.
TV Show: Father Ted
Pat: You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now Father? Would ya?
Father Ted: Yes I...no I...if you're going to be...I...of course you, you...just feck off!
Father Ted: Yes I...no I...if you're going to be...I...of course you, you...just feck off!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: [trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string] Wha... what's going on!?
Mrs Doyle: Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!
Father Jack: I love my brick!
Father Ted: Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considera--
[Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out]
Father Jack: Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"!
Mrs Doyle: Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!
Father Jack: I love my brick!
Father Ted: Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considera--
[Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out]
Father Jack: Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"!
TV Show: Father Ted
[After Father Dougal has encountered some naked women at the very begining of the episode; last line of the episode]
Father Dougal: Those women were in the nip!
Father Dougal: Those women were in the nip!
TV Show: Father Ted
Mr. Fox: (Dougal's New Boss) You'd better get going, actually. Milk gets sour y'know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite.
TV Show: Father Ted
Mrs. Doyle: Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.
Father Ted: What! How dare you!
Pat (raising an enormous adjustable spanner): Yes, too big for the milk float.
Father Ted: What! How dare you!
Pat (raising an enormous adjustable spanner): Yes, too big for the milk float.
TV Show: Father Ted
Pat: [In a menacing phone call to Ted] You got me sacked. And now I'm having to yank meself off around the clock because I'm not getting proper sex with girls!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: "[after Ted puts the brick on the accelerator and tells him to step off the float, waving the brick in the air]" Ted! You forgot your brick!"
TV Show: Father Ted
Upon meeting Richard Wilson, a.k.a. Victor Meldrew
Father Ted: (yells loudly) I don't believe it!
[Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained]
Richard Wilson: I'll bloody well kill you!
Father Dougal: Well? What did he say? Did he laugh?
Father Ted: (yells loudly) I don't believe it!
[Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained]
Richard Wilson: I'll bloody well kill you!
Father Dougal: Well? What did he say? Did he laugh?
TV Show: Father Ted
[Father Jack is unwittingly attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting]
Ronald: At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.
Father Jack: YES!
Ronald: Yes. At that point, all I could think about was where the next drink was coming from.
Father Jack: DRINK!
Ronald: I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids.
Father Jack: Blehhhhh!
Ronald: At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.
Father Jack: YES!
Ronald: Yes. At that point, all I could think about was where the next drink was coming from.
Father Jack: DRINK!
Ronald: I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids.
Father Jack: Blehhhhh!
TV Show: Father Ted
Tour Guide: Now, this rock here is actually granite.
Father Ted: How long would that have been there?
Tour Guide: Oh, many, many millions of years.
Father Ted: Really, as long as that? That is fascinating.
Father Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?
Tour Guide: Well... you know, rocks are generally different sizes.
Father Dougal: Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.
Tour Guide: Of course, at this time, this whole area would have been submerged underwater.
Father Dougal: How did everyone breathe?
Father Ted: They'd have had some sort of apparatus.
Father Dougal: Oh, right. Wow, look at that rock over there!
Tour Guide: This is actually the oldest part of our tour. This particular cave was formed more than fifteen million years ago.
Father Ted: Really? Wow, I don't believe it.
[the man in front of Ted turns around; it's Richard Wilson]
Richard Wilson: You again! [attacks Ted] Get out of it, I don't want to see you again! BASTARD!
Father Ted: How long would that have been there?
Tour Guide: Oh, many, many millions of years.
Father Ted: Really, as long as that? That is fascinating.
Father Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?
Tour Guide: Well... you know, rocks are generally different sizes.
Father Dougal: Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.
Tour Guide: Of course, at this time, this whole area would have been submerged underwater.
Father Dougal: How did everyone breathe?
Father Ted: They'd have had some sort of apparatus.
Father Dougal: Oh, right. Wow, look at that rock over there!
Tour Guide: This is actually the oldest part of our tour. This particular cave was formed more than fifteen million years ago.
Father Ted: Really? Wow, I don't believe it.
[the man in front of Ted turns around; it's Richard Wilson]
Richard Wilson: You again! [attacks Ted] Get out of it, I don't want to see you again! BASTARD!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: The police in this country used to be friends of the church, speeding tickets torn up, drunk in charges quashed, and even a blind eye turned to the odd murder.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: There's nothing stupid about football! And there's nothing at all stupid about the Annual All-Priests Five-a-Side over 75s Indoor Football Challenge Match, against Rugged Island.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: Didn't you tell me once that Father Jack had a trial for Liverpool?
Father Ted: No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.
Father Ted: No... no, he was on trial, in Liverpool.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: God, Ted. D'you remember that fella who was so good at fashion they had to shoot him?
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: So there's...no way he'll be able to play?
Father Niall: No. No, he's dead.
Father Niall: No. No, he's dead.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dick Byrne: [on the phone] I am going to win again, Ted!
Father Ted: Ha, that's what you think, Dick, but we've got...Wait a minute! How'd you know I was here!?
[Dick hangs up. At the same time, an ice cream jingle plays from outside. Ted goes to the window and (presumably) sees Dick outside]
Father Ted: DAMN YOU, FATHER DICK BYRNE!
Father Ted: Ha, that's what you think, Dick, but we've got...Wait a minute! How'd you know I was here!?
[Dick hangs up. At the same time, an ice cream jingle plays from outside. Ted goes to the window and (presumably) sees Dick outside]
Father Ted: DAMN YOU, FATHER DICK BYRNE!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it...I'm going to have to put him in goal.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Dougal: Got the forfeit, Ted!
Father Ted: Oh God...
Father Dougal: Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.
Father Ted: All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!
Father Dougal: Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...
Father Ted: What is it!? Break it to me gently!
Father Dougal: All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...
Father Ted: What?
Father Dougal: You have to...
Father Ted: What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!
Father Ted: Oh God...
Father Dougal: Dick said it was an extra-special forfeit, because you were such a big cheatin' bastard.
Father Ted: All right, open it, open it! The tension is killing me!
Father Dougal: Ah don't worry Ted, he probably just wants you to clean his car or some...
Father Ted: What is it!? Break it to me gently!
Father Dougal: All right. [reads] Ted. By this time next week you have to...
Father Ted: What?
Father Dougal: You have to...
Father Ted: What!? [snatches the letter off Dougal, reads it, horrified] Kick Bishop Brennan up the arse!
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.
TV Show: Father Ted
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop!
Dougal: Oh right. (pause) Well done.
Dougal: Oh right. (pause) Well done.
TV Show: Father Ted
Father Ted: Do you not notice the holy smell of the room?
Dougal: Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper.
Dougal: Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper.
TV Show: Father Ted
Mrs. Doyle: Shall I make the beds in the spare room?
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!
Mrs. Doyle: OK so... would you like a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, We'd rather die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [uncertain] Ok so...
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...
Mrs. Doyle: Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?
Father Jessup: [still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [looks confusedly at Father Ted]
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.
Mrs. Doyle: [very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]
Mrs. Doyle: [takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!
Mrs. Doyle: OK so... would you like a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, We'd rather die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [uncertain] Ok so...
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...
Mrs. Doyle: Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?
Father Jessup: [still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [looks confusedly at Father Ted]
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.
Mrs. Doyle: [very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]
Mrs. Doyle: [takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]
TV Show: Father Ted
Bishop Brennan: Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?
Father Jack: Arse biscuits!
Father Jessup: What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!
Father Jack: [in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.
Father Ted: [addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.
Father Jack: Arse biscuits!
Father Jessup: What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!
Father Jack: [in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.
Father Ted: [addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.
TV Show: Father Ted
[During Bishop Brennan's meeting with Pope John Paul II]
Bishop Brennan: HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE! [bowls the Pope aside and runs for a phone] Get me on the first plane back to Ireland! NOW, GODDAMN IT! [hangs up and sees the other priests, bishops and cardinals staring at him] What're ye looking at, huh!?
Bishop Brennan: HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE! [bowls the Pope aside and runs for a phone] Get me on the first plane back to Ireland! NOW, GODDAMN IT! [hangs up and sees the other priests, bishops and cardinals staring at him] What're ye looking at, huh!?
TV Show: Father Ted