Frasier Quotes
[As Frasier presents the Christmas Day show, more and more depressing tales of woe are heard.]
Caller: I remember that Christmas when I ran into my mother's room, tears streaming down my face, and I said "Mummy, Mummy, the puppy Santa gave me won't wake up."
Caller: I remember that Christmas when I ran into my mother's room, tears streaming down my face, and I said "Mummy, Mummy, the puppy Santa gave me won't wake up."
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: [about Maris] She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Daphne: Oh, dear... Did a plane almost crash?
Niles: No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.
Daphne: Oh, dear... Did a plane almost crash?
Niles: No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.
TV Show: Frasier
Bulldog: Hey, T.J.! How was it, man?
T.J. Smith: It was horrible! They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy! The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye!
[Roz walks in]
Roz: Where do I pay?
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: I saw what I wanted and I went after it!
T.J. Smith: It was horrible! They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy! The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye!
[Roz walks in]
Roz: Where do I pay?
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: I saw what I wanted and I went after it!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: [showing Martin around the station] Now, don't touch that! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment!
Martin: What is it?
Frasier: I have no idea. Roz told me never to touch it!
Martin: What is it?
Frasier: I have no idea. Roz told me never to touch it!
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: My taekwondo instructor says I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening.
TV Show: Frasier
[Lilith is criticising Frasier's advice on air]
Frasier: Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
Lilith: What do you mean by "celebrity"?
Frasier: [darkly] Oh, they know you!
Frasier: Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
Lilith: What do you mean by "celebrity"?
Frasier: [darkly] Oh, they know you!
TV Show: Frasier
[Frasier is very annoyed that Roz has put Lilith's call through on his show]
Frasier: Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean?
Roz: [smugly] It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.
Frasier: Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean?
Roz: [smugly] It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: Do you wanna bag dinner?
Lilith: There's a bed and an honor bar, what more do we need?
Frasier: Come to me, my white-hot flame!
Lilith: There's a bed and an honor bar, what more do we need?
Frasier: Come to me, my white-hot flame!
TV Show: Frasier
Lilith: I was insane to divorce you!
Frasier: You're in my every waking thought!
Lilith: You're the only man I've ever loved!
Frasier: So are you!
Frasier: You're in my every waking thought!
Lilith: You're the only man I've ever loved!
Frasier: So are you!
TV Show: Frasier
Daphne: [about drawer-dividers for socks] I saw them once in a catalogue, but I couldn't imagine who in the world would buy such silly things. Course, I hadn't met Dr. Crane yet.
Martin: I used to think there'd been some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell.
Martin: I used to think there'd been some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell.
TV Show: Frasier
[Daphne offers to cook for Niles and Maris]
Niles: Just bear in mind: she can't have shellfish, poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, MSG or dairy... Did I say nuts?
Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied!
Niles: Just bear in mind: she can't have shellfish, poultry, red meat, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, MSG or dairy... Did I say nuts?
Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied!
TV Show: Frasier
[Frasier is worried about Niles and Daphne alone in Niles' house.]
Frasier: My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
Frasier: My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.
TV Show: Frasier
[Bebe narrowly avoids making an ageist remark about Fletcher Grey when she sees Martin]
Bebe: You're even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were twenty years older, they couldn't keep me away from you.
Martin: That's why I keep this cane.
Bebe: You're even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were twenty years older, they couldn't keep me away from you.
Martin: That's why I keep this cane.
TV Show: Frasier
[Eddie is heard barking.]
Frasier: What's the matter with him?
Daphne: He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone, too. I think he suspects foul play.
Frasier: [to Eddie] Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!
Frasier: What's the matter with him?
Daphne: He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone, too. I think he suspects foul play.
Frasier: [to Eddie] Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!
TV Show: Frasier
Martin: I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.
Frasier: How about Florida?
Martin: I heard that.
Frasier: How about Florida?
Martin: I heard that.
TV Show: Frasier
[Frasier explains his quandary to Niles in Café Nervosa]
Frasier: The other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall.
Niles: That is alarming.
Frasier: Well, I turned her down.
Niles: No, no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?
Frasier: The other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall.
Niles: That is alarming.
Frasier: Well, I turned her down.
Niles: No, no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?
TV Show: Frasier
[Niles has discovered a new party game, in which contestants select a meal, aria and wine to take to a desert island. He gives his choices]
Niles: The coulibiac of salmon at Guy Savoy, "Vissi d'arte" from Tosca, and the Côtes du RhôneChâteauneuf-du-Pape '47.
Frasier: You are so predictable!
Niles: The coulibiac of salmon at Guy Savoy, "Vissi d'arte" from Tosca, and the Côtes du RhôneChâteauneuf-du-Pape '47.
Frasier: You are so predictable!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: Niles, if Dad and I get into a Winnebago, only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!
Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.
Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: I'm sorry, Frasier. I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm not going.
[Martin and Daphne enter.]
Martin: Great news! Daphne's coming, too.
Niles: And so am I!
[Martin and Daphne enter.]
Martin: Great news! Daphne's coming, too.
Niles: And so am I!
TV Show: Frasier
Niles: All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library, go to the card catalogue and see my name under "Mental Illness."
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: What we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes, and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.
Niles: Frasier, while you were over there, mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I've had a breakthrough.
Niles: Frasier, while you were over there, mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I've had a breakthrough.
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier is clearly ill, but reluctant to miss work
Frasier: Well Dad, as you've often said, "If you can walk, you can work". Took sort of an ironic twist when you got shot in the hip!
Martin': Well, at least I had a real job! Half your listening audience hears voices already, the other half talks to themselves. If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?
Frasier: Well Dad, as you've often said, "If you can walk, you can work". Took sort of an ironic twist when you got shot in the hip!
Martin': Well, at least I had a real job! Half your listening audience hears voices already, the other half talks to themselves. If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?
TV Show: Frasier
[After Niles initially refused to fill in for his brother, Frasier says he does not possess the right qualities anyway]
Niles: Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you!
Frasier: Then you're not going to do my show?
Niles: No, I am going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever dreamed of doing it!
Niles: Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you!
Frasier: Then you're not going to do my show?
Niles: No, I am going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever dreamed of doing it!
TV Show: Frasier
[Niles is substituting for Frasier on his radio show.]
Niles: Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming mother today!
Niles: Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming mother today!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: I asked Dad to get me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? "What's the magic word?"
Niles: You're kidding.
Frasier: He didn't think it was very amusing when I said, "Rest home!"
Niles: You're kidding.
Frasier: He didn't think it was very amusing when I said, "Rest home!"
TV Show: Frasier
[During an interview for KACL, the author is asked about the inspiration for his book. Frasier is listening outside]
Fallow: Well, it was actually given to me…by God.
Frasier: By GOD? Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God, and he knows it!
Fallow: Well, it was actually given to me…by God.
Frasier: By GOD? Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God, and he knows it!
TV Show: Frasier
Frasier: You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.
Roz: Oh, no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.
Frasier: Well, then, perhaps you're right.
Roz: See how easy it is.
Roz: Oh, no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.
Frasier: Well, then, perhaps you're right.
Roz: See how easy it is.
TV Show: Frasier
[Martin is annoyed by Frasier's repeated instructions to take Eddie to the vet]
Martin: If anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. [exits]
Niles: You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he's wrong?
Martin: If anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. [exits]
Niles: You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he's wrong?
TV Show: Frasier