Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio) Quotes
Guru: Meditation, meditation. Everybody go: om…om…football's coming om…
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Guru: You see, it is very important for your soul to be clean, for your spirit to be pure, for your chakras to be whiter than white with a meadowy freshness. Use Omo; it's biological! [smells his sleeve] Heavenly! Also Ashram toothpaste: it's transcen-dental! [ting] And finally, Reincarnation pour l'Homme. [sprays a few puffs] "Mmm. I'll be back!" All these products are available on my website: www.gurumaharishi.yogi.om.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Man: Why don't we skip dessert and get outta here?
Woman: Why? What have you got in mind?
Man: Nothing. It's just that you're already quite fat, innit!
Woman: Why? What have you got in mind?
Man: Nothing. It's just that you're already quite fat, innit!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Salesman: A rose for the woman you love?
Man: Ah, that's a good idea. [to his date] 'Cos I'm seeing her after I drop you off, innit!
Man: Ah, that's a good idea. [to his date] 'Cos I'm seeing her after I drop you off, innit!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Man: It's appalling that women are under all that pressure to be thin, to do their hair, to have the right nose and that.
Woman: Oh, absolutely. I agree.
Man: That's what's so great about you. You make no effort at all!
Woman: Oh, absolutely. I agree.
Man: That's what's so great about you. You make no effort at all!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Man: Your parents must be very beautiful people.
Woman: Aww.
Man: 'Cos it often skips a generation, innit!
Woman: Aww.
Man: 'Cos it often skips a generation, innit!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Woman: [to the waiter] I'd like a 12-inch spicy hot one, please.
Man: [terrified] Check, please!
Man: [terrified] Check, please!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Woman: If you were an animal, what sort of animal would you be?
Man: Er, I'd be a tiger. Rrrr!
Woman: What about me?
Man: Ah, you'd be a bird of paradise.
Woman: Aww. Why's that?
Man: 'Cos you've got a hooky nose like a beak, and your voice is all screechy: "Aar! Aar!" And you've got feathery stuff on your lip, and then your feet are like this [makes claw shapes with hands], and then you've got a wobbly fat arse and…[notices his date has gone] check, please!
Man: Er, I'd be a tiger. Rrrr!
Woman: What about me?
Man: Ah, you'd be a bird of paradise.
Woman: Aww. Why's that?
Man: 'Cos you've got a hooky nose like a beak, and your voice is all screechy: "Aar! Aar!" And you've got feathery stuff on your lip, and then your feet are like this [makes claw shapes with hands], and then you've got a wobbly fat arse and…[notices his date has gone] check, please!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Man: I'd really, really love it if you'd come back to my place.
Woman: And what's the magic word?
Man: Twenty quid! [she gets up to leave] Thirty? Forty? Forty-f…check, please!
Woman: And what's the magic word?
Man: Twenty quid! [she gets up to leave] Thirty? Forty? Forty-f…check, please!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Man: I know it's really old-fashioned, but I think it's really important to get to know a girl's family and that when you're starting a relationship.
Woman: Aww, that's so sweet!
Man: Yeah. That's why I'm sleeping with your sister, innit!
Woman: Aww, that's so sweet!
Man: Yeah. That's why I'm sleeping with your sister, innit!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Woman: So, what's your idea of the perfect date?
Man: Ah. Imagine walking hand-in-hand down a deserted tropical beach. The sun is setting in the horizon, and as we sit on the warm sand we let the waves lap over our bare feet.
Woman: Wow! I can almost feel it.
Man: Eh? Well, you're not there, innit!
Man: Ah. Imagine walking hand-in-hand down a deserted tropical beach. The sun is setting in the horizon, and as we sit on the warm sand we let the waves lap over our bare feet.
Woman: Wow! I can almost feel it.
Man: Eh? Well, you're not there, innit!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Man: I just wanna say those three little words: you're too fat!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Guru: Many people in the west think that in my country (India), because of our religions, because of our history, because of I don't know what, somehow we are more in tune with our spirituality, more at one with the forces of Nature. Well, we are! So well done, all those people who said that!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Guru: Hello. I'd like to talk to you about Krishna.
Woman on doorstep: Oh yes?
Guru: Have you ever thought of becoming a Hindu?
Woman: Well, actually, it's something I've always wanted to do.
Guru: Well, you can't! Sorry. Have a nice day.
Woman on doorstep: Oh yes?
Guru: Have you ever thought of becoming a Hindu?
Woman: Well, actually, it's something I've always wanted to do.
Guru: Well, you can't! Sorry. Have a nice day.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
First Guru: And thus it was Shiva, in the heart of the demon's lair, with his celestial weapons.
Second Guru: With due respect, you are wrong. It was Narasimha, incarnation of Vishnu, in the palace of the evil Rakshas, with his bare hands!
Third Guru: No. It was Professor Plum, in the library, with the candlestick! I win! Go on, my son!
Second Guru: With due respect, you are wrong. It was Narasimha, incarnation of Vishnu, in the palace of the evil Rakshas, with his bare hands!
Third Guru: No. It was Professor Plum, in the library, with the candlestick! I win! Go on, my son!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
St John: Been following the cricket?
Dennis: Oh, shocking! We haven't been playing too well at all.
St John: Well, you know, the cricketing world looks upon us as a developing nation.
Dennis: Of course they do. But the Indians have been playing very well.
Dennis: Oh, shocking! We haven't been playing too well at all.
St John: Well, you know, the cricketing world looks upon us as a developing nation.
Dennis: Of course they do. But the Indians have been playing very well.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Charlotte: So, Vanessa, I hear you're something of a wiz in the kitchen. Is that one of your famous curries I smell cooking?
Vanessa: No, it's roast lamb, roast potatoes, roast vegetables and roast gravy, actually!
Vanessa: No, it's roast lamb, roast potatoes, roast vegetables and roast gravy, actually!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Dennis: Oh tuhadi rab day vastay! Aah ki hoya?
Vanessa: I beg your pardon?
Dennis: Oh, my God.
Vanessa: I beg your pardon?
Dennis: Oh, my God.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Charlotte: I believe that mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun. And after all, my husband is an Englishman.
Vanessa: Which must make you the mad...
St John: [interrupts] Another jug of Pimm's, darling?
Vanessa: Which must make you the mad...
St John: [interrupts] Another jug of Pimm's, darling?
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Man: Are any of you lot called Dennis Cooper?
Dennis: Yes. How do you know?
Man: Because you've written your name in the sand!
Dennis: Yes. How do you know?
Man: Because you've written your name in the sand!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Butler: May I take your hat, sir?
Dennis: No, get your own!
Dennis: No, get your own!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
St John: Notice the sixteenth-century floorboards, laid down in 1348 by Edward XXII.
Charlotte: Yes. The plastic hallway matting complements them perfectly.
Charlotte: Yes. The plastic hallway matting complements them perfectly.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Charlotte: I say, Dennis, this fox-hunting's a bloody good lark, what?
Dennis: Yes, but I keep falling off mine!
Dennis: Yes, but I keep falling off mine!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Charlotte: Well, we love our traditional English Christmases. Yes, James Bond, the Queen's speech, the smell of nuts roasting on an open fire.
Dennis: Oh, so sorry! Must've been standing too close to the oven!
Dennis: Oh, so sorry! Must've been standing too close to the oven!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
St John: Haven't you read your King James Bible?
Dennis: Of course, of course. Nearly finished it, but don't tell me what happens in the end!
Dennis: Of course, of course. Nearly finished it, but don't tell me what happens in the end!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Vicar: Hello, there.
Dennis: Hello, my old chappie. Dennis Cooper. Table for four, please!
Charlotte: Yes, please. Not too near the band.
Dennis: Hello, my old chappie. Dennis Cooper. Table for four, please!
Charlotte: Yes, please. Not too near the band.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Vicar: Blood of Christ.
St John: No, no, no. I'm driving.
St John: No, no, no. I'm driving.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Charlotte: Haven't you got any vol-au-vents?
Vicar: This is not an hors d'œuvre; this is the body of Christ.
Charlotte: Er, I think I'll wait for the main course then, thanks!
Vicar: This is not an hors d'œuvre; this is the body of Christ.
Charlotte: Er, I think I'll wait for the main course then, thanks!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Vanessa: So, what are you fellows up to?
Dennis: I'm waiting for my mamaji and papaji…oh, tuhadi!
Charlotte: He means his mater and pater.
Dennis: Of course. Maker, paper.
Dennis: I'm waiting for my mamaji and papaji…oh, tuhadi!
Charlotte: He means his mater and pater.
Dennis: Of course. Maker, paper.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Vanessa: Well, I must say I'm very surprised to see people like you in the pub.
Charlotte: What do you mean by "people like us"?
Vanessa: Well, it is a peculiarly British habit, is it not?
Charlotte: Yes, and we are peculiarly British.
Dennis: Uh-huh. We're as peculiar as they come.
Charlotte: What do you mean by "people like us"?
Vanessa: Well, it is a peculiarly British habit, is it not?
Charlotte: Yes, and we are peculiarly British.
Dennis: Uh-huh. We're as peculiar as they come.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)