Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio) Quotes
Charlotte: I choose Britannia when I fly.
Vanessa: Puppies and the Queen Mum make me cry.
St John: I'm upper class 'cos I'm rich and fair.
Dennis: And I wear ladies' underwear!
Vanessa: Puppies and the Queen Mum make me cry.
St John: I'm upper class 'cos I'm rich and fair.
Dennis: And I wear ladies' underwear!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Mother: Look, I'm a student. I'm balancing a traffic cone on my head.
Son: That's not a traffic cone; it's a small aubergine.
Mother: Aubergine, traffic cone. I'm too drunk to tell the difference!
Son: That's not a traffic cone; it's a small aubergine.
Mother: Aubergine, traffic cone. I'm too drunk to tell the difference!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Not just prison; Parkhurst. My son has won a place at Parkhurst!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
My son is so fertile that he doesn't have to be at home to impregnate his wife; he can do it from the office by e-mail.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
So I hear your son is spending Divali at his house instead of visiting you. Very "modern".
No, no, no, no. You know, you really shouldn't listen to all the gossip you hear…down the docks. My son has a life of his own, you know.
Well, my son also has a wife and a family of his own, but he just prefers to spend the day with me.
Hmm, how very Oedipal of him.
Yes, my son is very Oedipal. In fact, he's much more Oedipal than your son!
No, no, no, no. You know, you really shouldn't listen to all the gossip you hear…down the docks. My son has a life of his own, you know.
Well, my son also has a wife and a family of his own, but he just prefers to spend the day with me.
Hmm, how very Oedipal of him.
Yes, my son is very Oedipal. In fact, he's much more Oedipal than your son!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
I just hear that your son is living with his "girlfriend".
I'm surprised the news is being discussed down at the dog track.
Hmm, so, living with a woman and not married? Funny, I don't remember anything in the Gita about that one. Very New Labour. Very anti-fox-hunting.
Your information is incorrect, as per usual. My son is not living with his girlfriend; he is living with several girlfriends. My son is a stud!
I'm surprised the news is being discussed down at the dog track.
Hmm, so, living with a woman and not married? Funny, I don't remember anything in the Gita about that one. Very New Labour. Very anti-fox-hunting.
Your information is incorrect, as per usual. My son is not living with his girlfriend; he is living with several girlfriends. My son is a stud!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
So, your son hates you so much that he's leaving you to die of exposure?
No. My son knows how much I hate you, so he's letting you die of exposure in order to make me happy!
Well, my son is making me very happy by ensuring that you die a very horrible and slow and painful death, your breath freezing in your lungs until they are nothing but two useless…blocks of…ice!
My son will take great pleasure in knowing that bits of you will freeze solid and turn gangrenous and drop off, like leaves from a…overweight, badly-dressed tree!
No. My son knows how much I hate you, so he's letting you die of exposure in order to make me happy!
Well, my son is making me very happy by ensuring that you die a very horrible and slow and painful death, your breath freezing in your lungs until they are nothing but two useless…blocks of…ice!
My son will take great pleasure in knowing that bits of you will freeze solid and turn gangrenous and drop off, like leaves from a…overweight, badly-dressed tree!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: What do you know? You think all we had in India was partition? Not true; we also had side-partition…
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Son: Don't tell me Shakespeare was Indian!
Father: Is the PopePunjabi?
Father: Is the PopePunjabi?
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: They all live in the same family house together – Indian. All work in the family business – Indian. All have arranged marriages – Indian. They all have sons; daughters no good – Indian. Children live with their parents until they are married – Indian!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: They're all Indian! All except Prince Charles. He's African.
Son: What?
Father: If he was Indian, he'd have smaller ears!
Son: What?
Father: If he was Indian, he'd have smaller ears!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Son: Superman's my favourite superhero.
Father: Ah, well I can understand that. He's so brave, so strong…so Indian.
Son: What?!
Father: Superman: Indian.
Son: No!
Father: Uh-huh. Come on, you've seen the film. He runs faster than a speeding train. There's only one country where you can run faster than the trains!
Father: Ah, well I can understand that. He's so brave, so strong…so Indian.
Son: What?!
Father: Superman: Indian.
Son: No!
Father: Uh-huh. Come on, you've seen the film. He runs faster than a speeding train. There's only one country where you can run faster than the trains!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: Think about it, yar! He's got two jobs – Indian. Never takes a day off work – Indian. And how does he get around? Cheap flights!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: Check him out in Saturday Night Fever: white suit, kipper tie, big flares. You can tell by the way he used his walk; he's a Hindi man, no time to talk!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: And so we commit brave little Geoffrey to the place where all the little hamsters go when they die.
Daughter: Is that Heaven, Daddy?
Father: No! India!
Daughter: Is that Heaven, Daddy?
Father: No! India!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Think about it, yar! Big beard, huge belly, terrible suit – Indian!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Ranjit the Red-nosed Reindeer had a very shiny naak,
And all the little pixies had to clean up the muck!
Santa shat in the chimney, really blocked up the flue,
And the following Christmas, the whole family turned Hindu!
And all the little pixies had to clean up the muck!
Santa shat in the chimney, really blocked up the flue,
And the following Christmas, the whole family turned Hindu!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Son: No, Dad, not the Mona Lisa! She was an Italian noblewoman from the sixteenth century.
Father: Son, this is Mina Losa, a Gujarati washerwoman from Bhavnagar!
Father: Son, this is Mina Losa, a Gujarati washerwoman from Bhavnagar!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Son: Why would Leonardo da Vinci go all the way to Bhavnagar to paint someone?
Father: Because it's quite near where he lived.
Son: Florence?
Father: Faridabad!
Father: Because it's quite near where he lived.
Son: Florence?
Father: Faridabad!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: Twelve men sitting around a table for dinner. Where are the women? They're in the kitchen!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: You've seen his portraits: a nose here, an ear there. Go to Delhi and look at the beggars; they look exactly the same!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: He is as Indian as they come. He works for His Father – Indian. Parents have children without having sex – Indian. Fed five thousand people with two loaves and five fishes – Indian picnic!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: Moses: the people came unto him with their suffering. He went up the mountain, and came back with two tablets, because he was a pharmacist! Noah: came from a land where it rained for forty days and forty nights – he was Bengali! Walls of Jericho: walk around it seven times, blow a trumpet, the whole thing falls down – Indian builders.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: In six days, He created the Heaven and the Earth and everything upon it, and on the seventh day He rested. What kind of Indian doesn't work Sundays?!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Father: And was Jerusalem builded here, on Jalandhar's brown, unpleasant land?
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Just think of all the places you can get to now with the utmost MASSIVE convenience, innit!
Paris!
Brussels!
…Paris!
Anywhere in Europe, man. Turkey, Poland, Netherland…Disneyland.
Hold on, man. Turkey's in Asia, man.
Nah, man. You're thinking of Bangladesh, innit.
Paris!
Brussels!
…Paris!
Anywhere in Europe, man. Turkey, Poland, Netherland…Disneyland.
Hold on, man. Turkey's in Asia, man.
Nah, man. You're thinking of Bangladesh, innit.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
So, what was the last book you read, man?
The one about that African leader and his struggle to achieve power for his people. What’s that geezer’s name? Tall, grey…
Nelson Mandela.
…trunk…Babar the Elephant, man!
You mean to say you haven't read a book since you were six?!
That is my point, man. I don't need to read anything. I am an Asian academic over-achiever; I already know too much!
The one about that African leader and his struggle to achieve power for his people. What’s that geezer’s name? Tall, grey…
Nelson Mandela.
…trunk…Babar the Elephant, man!
You mean to say you haven't read a book since you were six?!
That is my point, man. I don't need to read anything. I am an Asian academic over-achiever; I already know too much!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)