Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio) Quotes
It's like being re-released in a new format.
Ah, I know where you're coming from. Say I'm, like, a 12" jungle track, right, on fire, right, spinning on the eternal wheels of steel…
Yeah, yeah. Then the gods, right, they check your mix, and if they find it holy and MASSIVE, right, they re-release you as the…
Both: CD! Woah!
What happens if they don't like jungle, man?
Man, then you come back as Peter André tape in a car boot sale in Forest Gate!
Ah, I know where you're coming from. Say I'm, like, a 12" jungle track, right, on fire, right, spinning on the eternal wheels of steel…
Yeah, yeah. Then the gods, right, they check your mix, and if they find it holy and MASSIVE, right, they re-release you as the…
Both: CD! Woah!
What happens if they don't like jungle, man?
Man, then you come back as Peter André tape in a car boot sale in Forest Gate!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Why's that, man?
Because everybody's been cross-breeding with each other, innit!
Not with us they ain't, man.
Because everybody's been cross-breeding with each other, innit!
Not with us they ain't, man.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Oh, that's gonna be a MASSIVE problem, man!
What are you chattin' about now?
If everyone in the world is Asian, who can I smoke in front of without my Mum finding out?!
What are you chattin' about now?
If everyone in the world is Asian, who can I smoke in front of without my Mum finding out?!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
For example, all shops will be permanently open. And you won't have to spend ages waiting for a doctor, 'cos you'll probably be one!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
If you go to football every Saturday, who's gonna look after the shop?
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Because of the ball, innit. Man, it's made of leather, right. So your Hindu football team consists of eleven blokes trying not to touch the ball!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
The mule: part horse, part donkey. The husky: part wolf, part dog.
Uncle Davinder!
What?
Part newsagent, part minicab driver!
Uncle Davinder!
What?
Part newsagent, part minicab driver!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
The Three Wise Men came from the East, right?
Right.
Wore turbans, right?
Right.
They was Punjabi!
What?
They came from Jalandhar, man!
Right.
Wore turbans, right?
Right.
They was Punjabi!
What?
They came from Jalandhar, man!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
How d'you figure that one out?
Check this, man: three strange geezers turn up at a kiddie's party with no invitation. They bring along crappy presents like gold, frankincense and myrrh. What's a little baby gonna do with that?!
Just because they got crappy presents don't mean nothing, man!
Alright. What presents d'you get last year?
Er, well, I got a three-piece suit made out of mirrors, I got a blessing from a holy man who looked like Don King, and a tank top with leg holes!
And who gave you them presents?
My uncle Pritam.
And where's he from?
Jalandhar…Oh, my God!
Check this, man: three strange geezers turn up at a kiddie's party with no invitation. They bring along crappy presents like gold, frankincense and myrrh. What's a little baby gonna do with that?!
Just because they got crappy presents don't mean nothing, man!
Alright. What presents d'you get last year?
Er, well, I got a three-piece suit made out of mirrors, I got a blessing from a holy man who looked like Don King, and a tank top with leg holes!
And who gave you them presents?
My uncle Pritam.
And where's he from?
Jalandhar…Oh, my God!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Why are we meeting in the pub, man?
'Cos this is it, man. We're finally fifteen: the age at which you're legally tall enough to order your first underage drink, innit!
Fierce, man!
Well, go on, then.
Er, I'll have a lemonade, man!
'Cos this is it, man. We're finally fifteen: the age at which you're legally tall enough to order your first underage drink, innit!
Fierce, man!
Well, go on, then.
Er, I'll have a lemonade, man!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
So, what would you do with a million pound?
Pay my phone bill, innit! But if you had a million pound, right, you could live off the interest!
Woah! What interest?
The interest you get from the ras malai when they find out you got a million pounds!
Pay my phone bill, innit! But if you had a million pound, right, you could live off the interest!
Woah! What interest?
The interest you get from the ras malai when they find out you got a million pounds!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
I'm talkin' about travellin' without movin'.
Oh. So are we gonna get one of Uncle Davinder's cabs?
Oh. So are we gonna get one of Uncle Davinder's cabs?
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Computers are for nerds, man.
Yeah, man, but some of those nerds sitting in their bedrooms alone, tapping into the night, have turned their hobbies into billion-pound businesses, innit!
I can't see no one payin' you no billion pounds for your lonely bedroom hobby!
Yeah, man, but some of those nerds sitting in their bedrooms alone, tapping into the night, have turned their hobbies into billion-pound businesses, innit!
I can't see no one payin' you no billion pounds for your lonely bedroom hobby!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Uncle, I was desperate. I needed the money!
Well, if you wanted to turn to petty crime, why didn't you come to me? [points at stocking disguise] I can get you cheaper, [points at hoodie] I can get you cheaper, [points at gun] I can get you cheaper!
No, Uncle!
I do it for you. It is my pleasure.
No!
Now, beta, don't insult me; just give me the gun.
Uncle! Uncle!
DON'T INSULT ME! [wrests the gun out of his hand] Thank you. [turns to other customers] Right. Any of you PRICKS move, I'm going to execute every last motherf***ing one of you!
Well, if you wanted to turn to petty crime, why didn't you come to me? [points at stocking disguise] I can get you cheaper, [points at hoodie] I can get you cheaper, [points at gun] I can get you cheaper!
No, Uncle!
I do it for you. It is my pleasure.
No!
Now, beta, don't insult me; just give me the gun.
Uncle! Uncle!
DON'T INSULT ME! [wrests the gun out of his hand] Thank you. [turns to other customers] Right. Any of you PRICKS move, I'm going to execute every last motherf***ing one of you!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Malkit: This isn't about work, is it? This is about the colour of my skin! You're picking on me 'cos I'm Asian, you racist bastard! I bet you're not ringing up all your white employees and hurling racial abuse at them, are you?!
Boss: This is the third time this week, Malkit. I can't let you keep doing this!
Malkit: Ooh, and what are you gonna do? Sack me? You'd love that, wouldn't you. You'd love to throw me on the scrapheap, another disillusioned ethnic youth, no job, no hope, marginalised by white society and forced to rot in urban squalor. Is that what you want? 'Cos that's what'll happen! Eh?
Boss: Alright, Malkit. I'm sorry. Take the rest of today off.
Malkit: Good. Thanks. And can I borrow the car, please, Dad?
Boss: This is the third time this week, Malkit. I can't let you keep doing this!
Malkit: Ooh, and what are you gonna do? Sack me? You'd love that, wouldn't you. You'd love to throw me on the scrapheap, another disillusioned ethnic youth, no job, no hope, marginalised by white society and forced to rot in urban squalor. Is that what you want? 'Cos that's what'll happen! Eh?
Boss: Alright, Malkit. I'm sorry. Take the rest of today off.
Malkit: Good. Thanks. And can I borrow the car, please, Dad?
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Telephone operator: Our regulations state that all our firefighters must wear a helmet, for their own protection.
Malkit: This is a black thing, innit?!
Operator: What?
Malkit: Turbans were good enough to protect their countrymen from the marauding Moguls. Why aren't they good enough for firemen, eh?
Operator: Because they're flammable!
Malkit: Well, if you think that I'm gonna help you discriminate against my Sikh brothers, then you are sorely mistaken. Sat Sri Akaal! [hangs up, notices smoke creeping under bedroom door, and dials again] Hello? Yeah, I'd like the Punjabi ambulance service, please!
Malkit: This is a black thing, innit?!
Operator: What?
Malkit: Turbans were good enough to protect their countrymen from the marauding Moguls. Why aren't they good enough for firemen, eh?
Operator: Because they're flammable!
Malkit: Well, if you think that I'm gonna help you discriminate against my Sikh brothers, then you are sorely mistaken. Sat Sri Akaal! [hangs up, notices smoke creeping under bedroom door, and dials again] Hello? Yeah, I'd like the Punjabi ambulance service, please!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
The people here believe the tree to be sacred, so that even if one leaf falls onto the track, the whole line is immediately shut down.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
I'm an accountant waiting to start work in my father's business.
I'm a lawyer waiting to start work in my father's business.
I'm a structural engineer, waiting to start work in my father's business.
I failed all my papers. I'm going into politics!
I'm a lawyer waiting to start work in my father's business.
I'm a structural engineer, waiting to start work in my father's business.
I failed all my papers. I'm going into politics!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Sanjeev: First up we'll have ten…no twelve BREAD ROLLS. And bring some of that fancy stuff…ah, butter, yeah!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Sanjeev: Where are those little plastic stirrers we used to have?
Oscar: You're standing on them, big guy.
Sanjeev: You mean they're under my feet.
Oscar: No. We made your legs out of them.
Oscar: You're standing on them, big guy.
Sanjeev: You mean they're under my feet.
Oscar: No. We made your legs out of them.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Son: I'm gay, OK?
Simon: And so am I.
Father: What, BOTH of you?!
Mother: Oh, my God! My son is a lesbian!
Father: You go to your room, and don't come back until you're not of the gay!
Simon: And so am I.
Father: What, BOTH of you?!
Mother: Oh, my God! My son is a lesbian!
Father: You go to your room, and don't come back until you're not of the gay!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Son: I thought you'd be pleased to see me happy through spirituality, unlike most young men of my generation, who find happiness through pornography and drugs…which I'd be tempted to use had we not been related to every pharmacist and newsagent from here to Nuremberg!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Woman: My husband's after me!
Jacinta: Yes, I might have guessed. Is he stifling you with his phallocentric, patriarchalhate crimes?
Woman: No, he chased me out of the house with a big knife! Now, come on! He's coming this way!
Jacinta: OK, just pull up a bean bag and we'll take a few details.
Woman: But he'll be here any second!
Jacinta: [smiling broadly] Hmm, and in Indian time that's about half an hour, isn't it, sister?
Jacinta: Yes, I might have guessed. Is he stifling you with his phallocentric, patriarchalhate crimes?
Woman: No, he chased me out of the house with a big knife! Now, come on! He's coming this way!
Jacinta: OK, just pull up a bean bag and we'll take a few details.
Woman: But he'll be here any second!
Jacinta: [smiling broadly] Hmm, and in Indian time that's about half an hour, isn't it, sister?
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Woman: My parents are gonna be devastated! I mean, how could you do this to them?
Man: I know, I know, and I love your Mum and Dad. I mean, they went perfectly with my Rajasthani coffee table.
Man: I know, I know, and I love your Mum and Dad. I mean, they went perfectly with my Rajasthani coffee table.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Ginger: What about…? [nods towards Asian soldiers]
Captain: That's a good point, Ginger. Now listen: you chaps will have to be from East Germany. Very East Germany.
Captain: That's a good point, Ginger. Now listen: you chaps will have to be from East Germany. Very East Germany.
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
Gestapo official: Wohin fahren Sie?
British Asian soldier: Stuttgart.
Official: Danke. [as soldier boards the bus] Good luck!
Soldier: Shukriya. [realises, then runs]
British Asian soldier: Stuttgart.
Official: Danke. [as soldier boards the bus] Good luck!
Soldier: Shukriya. [realises, then runs]
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
The Sikhs take days off for Guru Nanak's birthday, Guru Gobind Singh's birthday – fair enough. But Guru Guru Barney McGuru Cuthbert Dibble Grub's birthday is going too far! You Hindus: how many gods do you have? Krishna, Lakshmi I've heard of, but Bunty? Apache? Which gods are these? The Muslims have put down Eid, twice, and somebody has put down "Christmas Eid" and taken a day off! Ramadan, yes; Rama Lama Ding Dong, no! And you Jews: Yom Kippur, yes; YamHalibut – what, are you taking the piss?!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)
If standards do not improve, and soon, you will end up like all the other failed terrorists: as traffic wardens!
TV Show: Goodness Gracious Me (TV and radio)