Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Quotes
Harvey Birdman: Peanut, if we're going to win this case, I need proof.
Peanut: Proof of what?
Harvey Birdman: Um... evolution? [They come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]
Peanut: I'd look elsewhere for that...
Peanut: Proof of what?
Harvey Birdman: Um... evolution? [They come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]
Peanut: I'd look elsewhere for that...
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey Birdman: Uhh, how long have you been standing there?
Benny: Long enough. Listen, the cops nabbed T. C.
Harvey Birdman: What? Why?
Benny: Just being a cat.
Harvey Birdman: I thought we took care of that already!
Benny: And bookmaking.
Harvey Birdman: Oh.
Benny: Long enough. Listen, the cops nabbed T. C.
Harvey Birdman: What? Why?
Benny: Just being a cat.
Harvey Birdman: I thought we took care of that already!
Benny: And bookmaking.
Harvey Birdman: Oh.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey Birdman: You wanted to see me?
Phil Ken Sebben: Yeah, I need your... help.
Harvey Birdman: Really?
Phil Ken Sebben: On my way to work, I hit a guy.
Harvey Birdman: Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.
Phil Ken Sebben: Every day this week.
Harvey Birdman: Oh. Any witnesses?
Phil Ken Sebben: Some kids.
Harvey Birdman: Nobody believes kids!
Phil Ken Sebben: And a nun.
Harvey Birdman: Nobody believes nuns!
Phil Ken Sebben: Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!
Harvey Birdman: I'll take the case!
Phil Ken Sebben: And if we lose, it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.
Harvey Birdman: Yes!
Phil Ken Sebben: Two heavily armed men in a bunker, fighting extradition.
Phil Ken Sebben: Yeah, I need your... help.
Harvey Birdman: Really?
Phil Ken Sebben: On my way to work, I hit a guy.
Harvey Birdman: Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.
Phil Ken Sebben: Every day this week.
Harvey Birdman: Oh. Any witnesses?
Phil Ken Sebben: Some kids.
Harvey Birdman: Nobody believes kids!
Phil Ken Sebben: And a nun.
Harvey Birdman: Nobody believes nuns!
Phil Ken Sebben: Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!
Harvey Birdman: I'll take the case!
Phil Ken Sebben: And if we lose, it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.
Harvey Birdman: Yes!
Phil Ken Sebben: Two heavily armed men in a bunker, fighting extradition.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey Birdman: Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech; freedom of religion; the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.
Myron Reducto: Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface. [Addressing the gallery front row, containing the Founding Fathers, Funky Phantom, and Edgar Winter]
Myron Reducto: *Don't look at me!* [Starts crawling underneath the gallery seats]
Myron Reducto: And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?
Myron Reducto: Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface. [Addressing the gallery front row, containing the Founding Fathers, Funky Phantom, and Edgar Winter]
Myron Reducto: *Don't look at me!* [Starts crawling underneath the gallery seats]
Myron Reducto: And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey Birdman: [line spoken frequently during "The Dabba Don"] Whoa... that's a man kiss.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey Birdman: Your Honor, I'd like to...
Mentok: [interrupting] Yes, you can introduce it. [Harvey looks at Mentok for a long second]
Mentok: Hello? Mind-taker!
Mentok: [interrupting] Yes, you can introduce it. [Harvey looks at Mentok for a long second]
Mentok: Hello? Mind-taker!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Dr. Quest: Well, I've got a rather serious problem. You see my longtime partner is challenging me for custody of my boys.
Harvey: How long has she-
Dr. Quest: He
[Avenger and Harvey freeze, and their eyes widen.]
Dr. Benton Quest: He's my traveling companion. We go on adventures together in steamy jungles and the like.
Harvey: How long has she-
Dr. Quest: He
[Avenger and Harvey freeze, and their eyes widen.]
Dr. Benton Quest: He's my traveling companion. We go on adventures together in steamy jungles and the like.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Debbie: [on intercom] That was the ornithologist. The results were negative.
Harvey: Thank you.
Harvey: Thank you.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Judge Mightor: Order... order in the court room. Uhhhh lord I have had enough of you two! Now Mr. Birdbath... beanbag whatever your name is. SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR HOLE! Now Mr. Vulture... Vulture? Vulturo... opening arguments.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Mightor: State your first name, your last name, and your occupation.
Lizardman: Lizardman, Lizardman, and Lizardman.
Lizardman: Lizardman, Lizardman, and Lizardman.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey Birdman: Dr. Quest, tell us a little about your relationship with...
Dr. Benton Quest: Well, Race and I met one night...
Harvey Birdman: [gritted teeth] With your boys!
Dr. Benton Quest: Well, Race and I met one night...
Harvey Birdman: [gritted teeth] With your boys!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey Birdman: I want you to know that your father loves you both very much.
Jonny Quest: But he throws like a girl.
Harvey Birdman: So did Martina Navratilova, but that doesn't mean she wasn't macho in many other important ways.
Jonny Quest: But he throws like a girl.
Harvey Birdman: So did Martina Navratilova, but that doesn't mean she wasn't macho in many other important ways.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Mightor: BOOTYLICIOUS!
Harvey: Yes your Honor?
Mightor: Your Witness...
Harvey: Yes your Honor?
Mightor: Your Witness...
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Dr. Quest: Since I know he'll never do it himself, I'm gonna step right up and toot Mr. Birdman's horn.
[Harvey backs up, uncomfortable]
Dr. Quest: Way to go, Harvey.
[Bandit barks, and is picked up by a swooping Avenger]
Dr. Quest: You too Bandit
[Everybody laughs. Dr. Quest pats Harvey's butt and he stops.]
[Harvey backs up, uncomfortable]
Dr. Quest: Way to go, Harvey.
[Bandit barks, and is picked up by a swooping Avenger]
Dr. Quest: You too Bandit
[Everybody laughs. Dr. Quest pats Harvey's butt and he stops.]
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Apache Chief walks into a Javalux, out of view of the audience]
Apache Chief: Coffee please
Javalux Employee: All right. That'll be $1.87. [pause] Sorry, Chief. No credit cards. It seems some idiot ripped our telephone pole out of the ground.
Apache Chief: Oh, I... I think I have change.
[coffee spills]
Apache Chief: Ah! My lap!
Apache Chief: Coffee please
Javalux Employee: All right. That'll be $1.87. [pause] Sorry, Chief. No credit cards. It seems some idiot ripped our telephone pole out of the ground.
Apache Chief: Oh, I... I think I have change.
[coffee spills]
Apache Chief: Ah! My lap!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Apache Chief: Well I saved the town the other day.. and anyway, I saved the town. And anyway, afterwards I thought, "Man, a.. a coffee would be nice." But I spilled it on my... lap
Harvey: Uh-huh.
Apache Chief: And, wow, it was hot... on my lap.
Harvey: I'll bet.
Apache Chief: Hotness. Crotch. Ouch.
Harvey: Yeah, I... ohhhh! Are you trying to say...?
Apache Chief: I... can no longer... enlarge.
Harvey: Ugh!
[crosses his legs and winces a few moments]
Harvey: Ugh! Let's all go to the mountains! Oh! [composes himself] I'll take the case!... Not even first thing in the morning? You know... little neeneeneeneeneey?
Harvey: Uh-huh.
Apache Chief: And, wow, it was hot... on my lap.
Harvey: I'll bet.
Apache Chief: Hotness. Crotch. Ouch.
Harvey: Yeah, I... ohhhh! Are you trying to say...?
Apache Chief: I... can no longer... enlarge.
Harvey: Ugh!
[crosses his legs and winces a few moments]
Harvey: Ugh! Let's all go to the mountains! Oh! [composes himself] I'll take the case!... Not even first thing in the morning? You know... little neeneeneeneeneey?
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: When I say the word "superhero", what names come to mind? Wonder Woman. Aquaman. Superman. Birdman. These are names...
Juror: Uh, excuse me, I don't think of Birdman.
Harvey: Not my point...
Juror: Uh, excuse me, I don't think of Birdman.
Harvey: Not my point...
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Reducto: Back off! I've got a shrink gun. Who touched my ankle? Gun! Do you think I dont see? You dont think I feel your eyes like grubby little fingers, little children's fingers on my body? Back off! I will make you teensy.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Reducto's opening statement]
Reducto: What kind of stinking superhero loses his powers to a cup of coffee in the crotch? That's all I have.
Reducto: What kind of stinking superhero loses his powers to a cup of coffee in the crotch? That's all I have.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: Mr Vulcan, tell us about your superpower.
Black Vulcan: Pure electricity... in my pants.
Harvey: Tell us, what would life be like without your powers?
Black Vulcan: Well, you know when the power goes out in your house? It would be like that... but in your pants.
Black Vulcan: Pure electricity... in my pants.
Harvey: Tell us, what would life be like without your powers?
Black Vulcan: Well, you know when the power goes out in your house? It would be like that... but in your pants.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: You stated that you had express knowledge of one of the more familiar Superfriend's whereabouts - a Wonder Woman, I believe?
Zan: Um, that's correct. Uh, she was at home.
Harvey: Any idea why she wouldn't have answered the town's distress call?
Zan: Well, she said she really needed some, "me time." So she unplugged her communicator and... and took a bath.
Harvey: How do you happen to know this?
Zan: I was... I, I was the bathwater.
[flashback]
Zan: [his face visible in the water as Wonder Woman washes her leg] Form of a washrag!
Zan: Um, that's correct. Uh, she was at home.
Harvey: Any idea why she wouldn't have answered the town's distress call?
Zan: Well, she said she really needed some, "me time." So she unplugged her communicator and... and took a bath.
Harvey: How do you happen to know this?
Zan: I was... I, I was the bathwater.
[flashback]
Zan: [his face visible in the water as Wonder Woman washes her leg] Form of a washrag!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Reducto: Do you want to be shrunk? No one wants to be shrunk, that's the point! It's a shrink gun! Back off!
Harvey: Yeah, I think this whole thing would go away if he somehow felt appreciated.
Reducto: [paranoid music plays] Hmm, I'm scheming. This is my scheming face. First I raise this eyebrow, and then... BACK OFF!
Harvey: Yeah, I think this whole thing would go away if he somehow felt appreciated.
Reducto: [paranoid music plays] Hmm, I'm scheming. This is my scheming face. First I raise this eyebrow, and then... BACK OFF!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Apache Chief grows and fills the courtroom]
Mightor: [smiling] Chief got his teepee back. Case dismissed.
Mightor: [smiling] Chief got his teepee back. Case dismissed.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Music, laughter]
Shaggy: [to Scooby] Will you be cool?
Officer: Turn the music off, please.
Shaggy: Sure thing officer.
Officer: Where you headed tonight?
Shaggy: Like there’s this green monster, officer, sneaking around at the old cotton mill, we’re headed out there to meet the gang and, like, try to catch it. [Laughs]
Officer: A green monster?
Shaggy: [Laughs] Yeah! A real fattie man.
Officer: Uh, you were driving a little erratic back there.
Scooby: [Shaggy laughing] reah, rokay.
Officer: Just step out of the van please.
Shaggy: Punch it! [starts driving away, officer starts shooting]
Shaggy: [to Scooby] Will you be cool?
Officer: Turn the music off, please.
Shaggy: Sure thing officer.
Officer: Where you headed tonight?
Shaggy: Like there’s this green monster, officer, sneaking around at the old cotton mill, we’re headed out there to meet the gang and, like, try to catch it. [Laughs]
Officer: A green monster?
Shaggy: [Laughs] Yeah! A real fattie man.
Officer: Uh, you were driving a little erratic back there.
Scooby: [Shaggy laughing] reah, rokay.
Officer: Just step out of the van please.
Shaggy: Punch it! [starts driving away, officer starts shooting]
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[A candidate for the clerk position enters Harvey's office]
Harvey: Take a seat.
Peanut: Is that your bird? Can I touch it? [whispering] Does it bite?
Harvey: How 'bout we start with your name?
Peanut: Peanut
Harvey: Uh-huh So your last job was at, um, I don't see anything listed
Peanut: Um, I used to work at a baltimization plant
Harvey: Baltimization?
Peanut: Oh, yeah. You see, the Japanese claim it increases sexual potency tenfold. They call it "paw-paw-paw-zaaaaah".
Harvey: Really?
Peanut: Mmm. You know
Harvey: Mm.. Mhmmm... [writes it down] Well, you quit that job?
Peanut: Actually, I believe I was fired from that job
Harvey: Oh?
Peanut: Well, there was the murder of a supervisor. Nothing proven. I just thought it was better to move on.
Harvey: Take a seat.
Peanut: Is that your bird? Can I touch it? [whispering] Does it bite?
Harvey: How 'bout we start with your name?
Peanut: Peanut
Harvey: Uh-huh So your last job was at, um, I don't see anything listed
Peanut: Um, I used to work at a baltimization plant
Harvey: Baltimization?
Peanut: Oh, yeah. You see, the Japanese claim it increases sexual potency tenfold. They call it "paw-paw-paw-zaaaaah".
Harvey: Really?
Peanut: Mmm. You know
Harvey: Mm.. Mhmmm... [writes it down] Well, you quit that job?
Peanut: Actually, I believe I was fired from that job
Harvey: Oh?
Peanut: Well, there was the murder of a supervisor. Nothing proven. I just thought it was better to move on.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: So consider that your first lesson in lawyering, clerk. [Peanut stares at him blankly] The job. It's yours. Congratulations
Peanut: Well gosh, that's great. Do I get a gun?
Harvey: Sure!
Peanut: Well gosh, that's great. Do I get a gun?
Harvey: Sure!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Fred: We've got a bit of a problem, the gang and I.
Harvey: [to Peanut] Gang stuff. Listen up. What happened?
Fred: Last night, we were at this old abandoned cotton mill, and-
Harvey: I know. One of your homies took one in the bo-bo.
Fred: No. Actually, Shaggy and Scooby were arrested. It was awful.
Harvey: Now you see why banging doesn't pay? I'll take the case! But first [Grabs hold of Fred's ascot] you're gonna have to lose the colors.
Harvey: [to Peanut] Gang stuff. Listen up. What happened?
Fred: Last night, we were at this old abandoned cotton mill, and-
Harvey: I know. One of your homies took one in the bo-bo.
Fred: No. Actually, Shaggy and Scooby were arrested. It was awful.
Harvey: Now you see why banging doesn't pay? I'll take the case! But first [Grabs hold of Fred's ascot] you're gonna have to lose the colors.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Velma: I know the way it looks, Mr. Birdman, but that's just the way they are.
Daphne: They always act that way
Peanut: [to Daphne] Oooh. Sprechen ze sexy.
Harvey: You mean those boys weren't...
Guard: [to someone offscreen] Hi!
Fred: Nope, they're just stupid.
Daphne: They always act that way
Peanut: [to Daphne] Oooh. Sprechen ze sexy.
Harvey: You mean those boys weren't...
Guard: [to someone offscreen] Hi!
Fred: Nope, they're just stupid.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Spyro performing a medieval reenactment of Shaggy and Scooby getting pulled over]
Actor 1: Good eve sirs. Knowest thou why I've asked thee to tarry?
Actor 2: My leave sir no. Hath we some wrong... done?
Actor 1: Step out of thy wagon!
Actor 3: Shaggy, take flight! Its the devilish apparition!
[Horse rears, and then farts, ending the scene. Audience applauses with a baroque piece playing in the background]
Actor 1: Good eve sirs. Knowest thou why I've asked thee to tarry?
Actor 2: My leave sir no. Hath we some wrong... done?
Actor 1: Step out of thy wagon!
Actor 3: Shaggy, take flight! Its the devilish apparition!
[Horse rears, and then farts, ending the scene. Audience applauses with a baroque piece playing in the background]
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law