Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Quotes
Phil: Everyone get in here! [everyone is instantly in Phil's office] Who can tell me what's different about my office?
Peanut: You hid the interns?
Phil: Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, [scene wipes to a flashback of the office looking exactly the same as it does now] then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!
Harvey: [thinking] There was never a piano there.
Phil: Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.
Harvey: [thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--
Phil: Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish! Well the budda is back, BUT THE BABY GRAND IS STILL MISSING! So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppresive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand colour-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.
Peanut: You hid the interns?
Phil: Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, [scene wipes to a flashback of the office looking exactly the same as it does now] then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!
Harvey: [thinking] There was never a piano there.
Phil: Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.
Harvey: [thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--
Phil: Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish! Well the budda is back, BUT THE BABY GRAND IS STILL MISSING! So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppresive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand colour-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Reducto: Don't you know? Every cellular phone, no matter how small. No matter how perfectly tiny and minature. [paranoid music starts] Every month a new one, smaller and smaller but somehow more powerful, crammed with more amazingly clever but needless features that... I'm sorry, I believe I got offpoint.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Reducto: Every conversation is scanned for key words. Here, give me your phone, I'll show you.
Harvey: Umm...
Reducto: Hello. Mail bomb.
Harvey: Uh, heh... um...
Reducto: Assassination.
Harvey: Hey, can I have that back? I just remembered...
Reducto: Fertilizer.
Harvey: ...I'm almost out of minutes.
Reducto: Same-sex marriages. Patagonia. Nader for President.
Harvey: See, nothing happened. Nobody's monitoring these things!
Phil: [overlooking them] Huh, I always took Reducto for a libertarian.
Harvey: Umm...
Reducto: Hello. Mail bomb.
Harvey: Uh, heh... um...
Reducto: Assassination.
Harvey: Hey, can I have that back? I just remembered...
Reducto: Fertilizer.
Harvey: ...I'm almost out of minutes.
Reducto: Same-sex marriages. Patagonia. Nader for President.
Harvey: See, nothing happened. Nobody's monitoring these things!
Phil: [overlooking them] Huh, I always took Reducto for a libertarian.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: Also, I've noticed a couple of you have slipped back into being able to concentrate on your work and somehow managed to control your bowels, which means I have no choice but to terrify you by ratcheting up the alert level a couple of notches to... BLACKWATCH PLAID! Oh and I'm gonna have to take some more drastic security measures, like uh...I don't know, installing a camera in the ladies room.
Peanut: Ooh, me likey the oppressive totalitarianism.
Peanut: Ooh, me likey the oppressive totalitarianism.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: [everyone in his office] You'll all be relieved to know I found the thief. He's a hairy guy, about 7 feet tall and he likes furniture. [Bear nods].
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: [laughs] Monitoring station!
Reducto: I will shrink you. Yes.
Reducto: I will shrink you. Yes.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: Pleased to meet your Mr. ...
[Laugh-O-Lympics committee member grabs Harvey's stapler, putting it in his pocket]
Harvey: My stapler seems to have fallen into your...
Phil: Ixnay on the aplerstay, okay... ay? This is the big time, Laugh-O-Lympics, Birdman.
[Laugh-O-Lympics committee member grabs Harvey's stapler, putting it in his pocket]
Harvey: My stapler seems to have fallen into your...
Phil: Ixnay on the aplerstay, okay... ay? This is the big time, Laugh-O-Lympics, Birdman.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Doctor: [With tranquilizer dart in his neck.] It says here that the father of Gigi's baby is... GRAPE APE!!!
Peanut: Hey, don't you need a blood test to [Gets a tranquilizer dart in his neck.]
[Harvey and M!!!Butu sit down; M!!!Butu has a blow dart gun.]
Harvey: Thank you.
Doctor: It also says that the team who won the finals is...IT'S DALLAS!!!
[Phil with two monk like men.]
Phil: CANNIBALS!!
Peanut: Hey, don't you need a blood test to [Gets a tranquilizer dart in his neck.]
[Harvey and M!!!Butu sit down; M!!!Butu has a blow dart gun.]
Harvey: Thank you.
Doctor: It also says that the team who won the finals is...IT'S DALLAS!!!
[Phil with two monk like men.]
Phil: CANNIBALS!!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Potamus: GG! You look absolutely [GG turns around and Potamus notices she's pregnant] gotta run.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: I'd like to welcome you all to the bi-annual... Ha ha ha! Bi! Sebben & Sebben Board of Director's meeting.
Phil: [opens the door for Doggy Daddy]
Doggy Daddy: Just tell me what you want me to do.
Phil: [stands there silently]
Doggy Daddy: [tries to go through the door, and Phil slams it on his muzzle.]
Phil: [opens the door for Doggy Daddy]
Doggy Daddy: Just tell me what you want me to do.
Phil: [stands there silently]
Doggy Daddy: [tries to go through the door, and Phil slams it on his muzzle.]
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: [humping Doggy Daddy] I'm the alpha male! I AM THE ALPHA MALE!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.
Harvey: Interesting name. Norweg...?
Dvd: Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time.
Phil: Brllnt!
Harvey: Hmm... Hrvy... wait, is Y a vowel?
Harvey: Interesting name. Norweg...?
Dvd: Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time.
Phil: Brllnt!
Harvey: Hmm... Hrvy... wait, is Y a vowel?
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Klaxons sound as Harvey tries to obtain more bathroom tissue]
Phil: [over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.
Harvey: One sheet?
Phil: Repeat: One sheet per visit.
Potamus: [appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.
Phil: [over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.
Harvey: One sheet?
Phil: Repeat: One sheet per visit.
Potamus: [appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Mentok: Mr. Birdman, you clearly have something on your mind, know how I know tha-
Harvey: Yeah yeah, Mind-taking
Mentok: WATCH YOUR TONE WITH ME MR. MAN... BIRD... THING!
Harvey: I'm Sorry
Mentok: That's ok, what's up?
Harvey: Yeah yeah, Mind-taking
Mentok: WATCH YOUR TONE WITH ME MR. MAN... BIRD... THING!
Harvey: I'm Sorry
Mentok: That's ok, what's up?
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: Hey Dvd, What if we just combine the urinal and the water fountain? [unzips his pants, causing the guy drinking from the fountain to spit out water]
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Harvey and Phil enter a toilet that looks like a palace.]
Harvey: Wow.
Phil: Ha ha ha! V..pee. Backrub.
[Lady appears and starts rubbing Phil's shoulders.]
Harvey: Am I supposed to... err... um... in this?
Phil: Nothing like gold on gold
Harvey: You know Phil, I've wanted this a long time: the money, the attention, the...
Phil: Backrub.
Harvey: Backrub?
[Man appears and starts rubbing Harveys shoulders.]
Harvey: Oh... But somehow, it doesn't feel right
Phil: You know it didn't feel right to me at first either.
Harvey: It didn't?
Phil: Nope, but now I can't go wee without a little rub.
Harvey: Wow.
Phil: Ha ha ha! V..pee. Backrub.
[Lady appears and starts rubbing Phil's shoulders.]
Harvey: Am I supposed to... err... um... in this?
Phil: Nothing like gold on gold
Harvey: You know Phil, I've wanted this a long time: the money, the attention, the...
Phil: Backrub.
Harvey: Backrub?
[Man appears and starts rubbing Harveys shoulders.]
Harvey: Oh... But somehow, it doesn't feel right
Phil: You know it didn't feel right to me at first either.
Harvey: It didn't?
Phil: Nope, but now I can't go wee without a little rub.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Blue Falcon: Senior, have faith if you could do me a favor.
Birdman: Sure.
Blue Falcon: Before you enter, could you expectorate on me.
Birdman: Sorry?
Blue Falcon: Expectorate, como se dice? Spitting?
Birdman: Sure.
Blue Falcon: Before you enter, could you expectorate on me.
Birdman: Sorry?
Blue Falcon: Expectorate, como se dice? Spitting?
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Quickdraw: "The right of the people to keep and bear arms," Mr. Birdman, "shall not be infringed."
Harvey: Wait, I've heard that.
Quickdraw: Second Amendment.
Harvey: Oh, yeah.
Harvey: Wait, I've heard that.
Quickdraw: Second Amendment.
Harvey: Oh, yeah.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.
Reducto: Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.
[Addressing the gallery front row, containing the Founding Fathers, Antonin Scalia, Funky Phantom, and Edgar Winter]
Reducto: Don't look at me!
[Starts crawling underneath the gallery seats]
Reducto: And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?
Reducto: Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.
[Addressing the gallery front row, containing the Founding Fathers, Antonin Scalia, Funky Phantom, and Edgar Winter]
Reducto: Don't look at me!
[Starts crawling underneath the gallery seats]
Reducto: And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Phil's Presidential Campaign commercial, starts with song about how he's "seen almost half of America" with a video of a stripper dancing]
Phil: I'm Phil Ken Sebben. You may not know me, but I have 12-billion dollars here that says you'll vote for me regardless.
Narrator: Phil Ken Sebben. Strength. Leadership. Vision.
Phil: [Interrupting] Oh, almost forgot! I've taken every drug known to man. And not just orally. Just gettin' that out there.
Narrator: Paid for by the people who gave Phil Ken Sebben 12-billion dollars.
Phil: I'm Phil Ken Sebben. You may not know me, but I have 12-billion dollars here that says you'll vote for me regardless.
Narrator: Phil Ken Sebben. Strength. Leadership. Vision.
Phil: [Interrupting] Oh, almost forgot! I've taken every drug known to man. And not just orally. Just gettin' that out there.
Narrator: Paid for by the people who gave Phil Ken Sebben 12-billion dollars.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
[Harvey is reading Wally Gator's case file]
Harvey: Operating a speedboat in protected waters... Operating a speedboat while firing a weapon... Operating a speedboat while operating a twelve pack...
Harvey: So, he's pretty much being charged for -
Phil: Being a redneck. Yep.
Harvey: Operating a speedboat in protected waters... Operating a speedboat while firing a weapon... Operating a speedboat while operating a twelve pack...
Harvey: So, he's pretty much being charged for -
Phil: Being a redneck. Yep.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: Baruch ata HaShem Elokainu Melech HaOlam...
Harvey: What just happened?
Bear : *grunt*
Phil: You're a bounty hunter, silly
Harvey: A bounty hunter?
Phil: One last thing. There's a reward, dead or alive. Just bring him back in... err... in four pieces or less. Watch out for the tail!
Harvey: What just happened?
Bear : *grunt*
Phil: You're a bounty hunter, silly
Harvey: A bounty hunter?
Phil: One last thing. There's a reward, dead or alive. Just bring him back in... err... in four pieces or less. Watch out for the tail!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Harvey: Mr. Gator! I'm your attorney and I would love to come inside and...
[loud explosion, sheep bleating]
Harvey: Uh... For you to come outside so we can discuss your case in a civilised manner. Litigator to... alligator.
[loud explosion, sheep bleating]
Harvey: Uh... For you to come outside so we can discuss your case in a civilised manner. Litigator to... alligator.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Wally Gator: OK, I'm coming out! Y'all gonna tackle me?
Police: A lil' bit.
Wally Gator: Aw, [censor bleep](shit)...
Police: A lil' bit.
Wally Gator: Aw, [censor bleep](shit)...
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Phil: Huh, I thought that a gator only ate what it killed.
Wally Gator: Not when it's $2.99 a pound at the Costco!
Wally Gator: Not when it's $2.99 a pound at the Costco!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Reducto: I've got a device...a body reshaper.
Norlissa: A device? For the booty?
Reducto: Well, actually it was invented for other, more dastardly...yes, for the booty!
Norlissa: Is it safe?
Reducto: It's patented in Sweden.
Norlissa: How much does it cost?
Reducto: FREE! I mean, it's free.
Norlissa: Well all right, when can I make an appointment?
Reducto: I have an opening right now. Turn around.
Norlissa: You're gonna do it right here!?
Reducto: It's out-patient! BACK OFF!
[Reducto changes the switch on his shrink gun from 'Reduce' to 'Enlarge']
Reducto: Lord help me.
[zapping sound; Reducto enlarges Norlissa's backside]
Norlissa: Ooh...that didn't hurt a bit!
Reducto: Oh, speak for yourself!
Norlissa: A device? For the booty?
Reducto: Well, actually it was invented for other, more dastardly...yes, for the booty!
Norlissa: Is it safe?
Reducto: It's patented in Sweden.
Norlissa: How much does it cost?
Reducto: FREE! I mean, it's free.
Norlissa: Well all right, when can I make an appointment?
Reducto: I have an opening right now. Turn around.
Norlissa: You're gonna do it right here!?
Reducto: It's out-patient! BACK OFF!
[Reducto changes the switch on his shrink gun from 'Reduce' to 'Enlarge']
Reducto: Lord help me.
[zapping sound; Reducto enlarges Norlissa's backside]
Norlissa: Ooh...that didn't hurt a bit!
Reducto: Oh, speak for yourself!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Reducto: [in bed whimpering] I don't know quite what you're expecting but I must confess. This is my first time.
Norlissa: You're right, baby. It is your first time. 'Cause until you've been with Norlissa, you haven't done it right.
Norlissa: You're right, baby. It is your first time. 'Cause until you've been with Norlissa, you haven't done it right.
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Black Vulcan: [to Norlisa] So! You've got a new man! Is that what it is? Baby...WHOO!! You lose your gym membership or something? I like 'em big, but mm...
Norlisa: What?! When's the last time you went to the gym?! Look at that big old gut on you that looks like one big ab!
Norlisa: What?! When's the last time you went to the gym?! Look at that big old gut on you that looks like one big ab!
TV Show: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law