Histeria! Quotes
Loud Kiddington: Howdy, Carthaginians! Loud Kiddington here! And if I can't make you a deal, my dog Fetch'll eat a buffalo chip!
Fetch: Say what?!
Loud Kiddington: Yes sir, it's a giant year-end beast of burden blow-out! Check out these savings! Here's a nifty model - take a test drive on the all-new Lipizzaners!
Hannibal: Wussies!
Loud Kiddington: Or for rugged terrain, try our four-by-four all-weather oxen!
Hannibal: Puny!
Loud Kiddington: Or for something even tougher, we can fix you up with your very own Teamsters!
Hannibal: Disgusting!
Fetch: Say what?!
Loud Kiddington: Yes sir, it's a giant year-end beast of burden blow-out! Check out these savings! Here's a nifty model - take a test drive on the all-new Lipizzaners!
Hannibal: Wussies!
Loud Kiddington: Or for rugged terrain, try our four-by-four all-weather oxen!
Hannibal: Puny!
Loud Kiddington: Or for something even tougher, we can fix you up with your very own Teamsters!
Hannibal: Disgusting!
TV Show: Histeria!
Loud Kiddington: Howdy Roman citizens! Loud Kiddington here! And if I can't make you a deal, my dog Fetch'll eat a meadow muffin!
Fetch: Huh? What's with this kid?
Fetch: Huh? What's with this kid?
TV Show: Histeria!
Miss Information: And to our right is the great Cathaginian general Hannibal...
Hannibal: That's Mr. Hannibal to you.
Miss Information: ...who is plottin' a surprise invasion on Rome itself.
Hannibal: Would somebody call security?!
Hannibal: That's Mr. Hannibal to you.
Miss Information: ...who is plottin' a surprise invasion on Rome itself.
Hannibal: Would somebody call security?!
TV Show: Histeria!
Hannibal: It's not snack time! I want your opinion.
Toast: Oh, well, I'd lose the hat, dude. It reeks.
Hannibal: No, not my wardrobe! If you were going to invade Rome, which way would you go?
Toast: [stares at the map and turns it upside-down] Uh... let's see...
Hannibal: [points to map] It's right here!!
Toast: Oh, right, gotcha. Uh... okay, I would go, like, uh... this way?
Hannibal: Of course you would! Because you have the I.Q. of a fence! Which is precisely why we will go through the Alps, and invade from the North instead! Assemble the troops!
Toast: Woah, check me out! I'm like, a military strategist. That's pretty cool, huh?
Toast: Oh, well, I'd lose the hat, dude. It reeks.
Hannibal: No, not my wardrobe! If you were going to invade Rome, which way would you go?
Toast: [stares at the map and turns it upside-down] Uh... let's see...
Hannibal: [points to map] It's right here!!
Toast: Oh, right, gotcha. Uh... okay, I would go, like, uh... this way?
Hannibal: Of course you would! Because you have the I.Q. of a fence! Which is precisely why we will go through the Alps, and invade from the North instead! Assemble the troops!
Toast: Woah, check me out! I'm like, a military strategist. That's pretty cool, huh?
TV Show: Histeria!
Loretta: Okay, men, there will be no mistakes this time!
Kid Chorus: [mockingly] Rally, rally, the dumb guy's name is Sally!
Lisa: How did they know my name is Sally?
Loretta: It's not. Your name is Lisa.
Lisa: Right! Thanks, Loretta!
Kid Chorus: [mockingly] Rally, rally, the dumb guy's name is Sally!
Lisa: How did they know my name is Sally?
Loretta: It's not. Your name is Lisa.
Lisa: Right! Thanks, Loretta!
TV Show: Histeria!
Father Time: In 218 B.C., Hannibal finally reached the Italian border.
Hannibal: Prepare to meet the wrath of the great Hannibal, you Roman dogs!
[Loud and Fetch suddenly appear in his path.]
Kid Chorus: It's Loud Kiddington and his dog, Fetch!
Hannibal: Now what?!
Loud Kiddington: Howdy, Hannibal!
Fetch: Your lease on the elephants is up, and you've exceeded your mileage!
Hannibal: Huh?
Loud Kiddington: That'll be 10,000 dinari!
Fetch: Payment due!
Hannibal: [laughs] I'm Hannibal! The greatest general the world's ever known! I don't pay bills! Now get out of my way before I turn you into roadkill!
Loud Kiddington: Have it your way! [He claps his hands twice, causing the elephants to sling their riders into the dirt. Loud and the Kid Chorus taunt them from atop an elephant.] So long, deadbeats!
Hannibal: Prepare to meet the wrath of the great Hannibal, you Roman dogs!
[Loud and Fetch suddenly appear in his path.]
Kid Chorus: It's Loud Kiddington and his dog, Fetch!
Hannibal: Now what?!
Loud Kiddington: Howdy, Hannibal!
Fetch: Your lease on the elephants is up, and you've exceeded your mileage!
Hannibal: Huh?
Loud Kiddington: That'll be 10,000 dinari!
Fetch: Payment due!
Hannibal: [laughs] I'm Hannibal! The greatest general the world's ever known! I don't pay bills! Now get out of my way before I turn you into roadkill!
Loud Kiddington: Have it your way! [He claps his hands twice, causing the elephants to sling their riders into the dirt. Loud and the Kid Chorus taunt them from atop an elephant.] So long, deadbeats!
TV Show: Histeria!
Miss Information: One last question, Cleo. Why do you wear a snake on your head?
Cleopatra (World's Oldest Woman): What?! There's a snake on my head?! Get it off, get if off, get it off, get it off me!!
Cleopatra (World's Oldest Woman): What?! There's a snake on my head?! Get it off, get if off, get it off, get it off me!!
TV Show: Histeria!
Teacher: OK class, you have three apples and then you pick two more. What do ya have?
Charity Bazaar: A bunch of stuff.
Teacher: Uh, close enough. Ok, what do you have if I take away three?
Charity Bazaar: Not so much stuff.
Teacher: Uh, close enough.
Father Time: In 1489, the plus and minus signs first came into use.
Charity Bazaar: [holding up a paper graded with an F-] You know, I wish I could go back to the good old days.
Charity Bazaar: A bunch of stuff.
Teacher: Uh, close enough. Ok, what do you have if I take away three?
Charity Bazaar: Not so much stuff.
Teacher: Uh, close enough.
Father Time: In 1489, the plus and minus signs first came into use.
Charity Bazaar: [holding up a paper graded with an F-] You know, I wish I could go back to the good old days.
TV Show: Histeria!
Chit Chatterson: Listen, Ive, now that you're czar, you need to add a "the" to your name.
Ivan Vasilyevich (Froggo): Huh?
Chit Chatterson: You know, like Attila the Hun, William the Conqueror? I've got a list of suggestions for you, compiled by our oppreresive despot search department!
Ivan Vasilyevich: Go on.
Chit Chatterson: OK, how about Ivan the Icky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: WHAT?! No!
Chit Chatterson: I agree, very bad. OK, here's a good one - Ivan the Disagreeable! I like that one. It says you're mean but you can still be reasoned with.
Ivan Vasilyevich: Absolutely not!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan the Finicky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: No!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan the Colicky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: No!
Chit Chatterson: Okay let's see, what else, what else? Ah! Ooh, this is you! You're gonna love this one, Ivey baby - Ivan the Naughty!
Ivan Vasilyevich: GET OUT! GET OUT! Aaaaaaah!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan, you're terrible!
Ivan Vasilyevich: That's it!
Chit Chatterson: Faboo! I knew we could work something out, Ivan, the Terrible! Can I just call you "Bull" for short?
Ivan Vasilyevich: NO! [kicks Chit out] That's three points, field goal!
Ivan Vasilyevich (Froggo): Huh?
Chit Chatterson: You know, like Attila the Hun, William the Conqueror? I've got a list of suggestions for you, compiled by our oppreresive despot search department!
Ivan Vasilyevich: Go on.
Chit Chatterson: OK, how about Ivan the Icky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: WHAT?! No!
Chit Chatterson: I agree, very bad. OK, here's a good one - Ivan the Disagreeable! I like that one. It says you're mean but you can still be reasoned with.
Ivan Vasilyevich: Absolutely not!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan the Finicky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: No!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan the Colicky?
Ivan Vasilyevich: No!
Chit Chatterson: Okay let's see, what else, what else? Ah! Ooh, this is you! You're gonna love this one, Ivey baby - Ivan the Naughty!
Ivan Vasilyevich: GET OUT! GET OUT! Aaaaaaah!
Chit Chatterson: Ivan, you're terrible!
Ivan Vasilyevich: That's it!
Chit Chatterson: Faboo! I knew we could work something out, Ivan, the Terrible! Can I just call you "Bull" for short?
Ivan Vasilyevich: NO! [kicks Chit out] That's three points, field goal!
TV Show: Histeria!
Miss Information: In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue, and to commemorate his historic journey, each year we celebrate Columbus Day with big parades and shamrocks and leprechauns and people wearin' green clothes.
Christopher Columbus: That's St. Patrick's Day! All my day is famous for is the half-off men's underwear sale.
Christopher Columbus: That's St. Patrick's Day! All my day is famous for is the half-off men's underwear sale.
TV Show: Histeria!
Father Time: The year, 245 BC. The place, Circue, Sicily. The scientist, Archimedes, Greek mathematician known as the father of geometry.
Geometry (Pule Houser): Hi pop, I'm home.
Archimedes (Chit Chatterson): Geometry son, what happened?
Geometry: Well, my classmates beat me up again!
Archimedes: It's sad. A lot of kids seem to hate Geometry!
Geometry (Pule Houser): Hi pop, I'm home.
Archimedes (Chit Chatterson): Geometry son, what happened?
Geometry: Well, my classmates beat me up again!
Archimedes: It's sad. A lot of kids seem to hate Geometry!
TV Show: Histeria!
Archimedes: [regarding his son Geometry being constantly beaten up] Ooooh, poor kid! I should've listened to his mother and named him Recess!
TV Show: Histeria!
Jenny McCarthy: Next up is Frederich Nietchze, who philisophized about the ideal individual being liberated from traditional values. He called his creation the Ubernietchze, or Superman.
Frederich Nietchze: [sitting next to Superman]I created him, but Varner Brothers controls the licensing rights! I DON'T GET A DIME!!
Frederich Nietchze: [sitting next to Superman]I created him, but Varner Brothers controls the licensing rights! I DON'T GET A DIME!!
TV Show: Histeria!
Christopher Columbus: Note to self: Never again hire anyone from Cabin Crews R Us.
TV Show: Histeria!
Chistopher Columbus: Crow's nest! You see anything?
Loud Kiddington: LEMMIE CHECK, CAPTAIN! [peers through periscope] OH MY GOSH!! STRAIGHT AHEAD! YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT!
Christopher Columbus: What is it?
Loud Kiddington: GUESS!
Christopher Columbus: Land?
Loud Kiddington: [imitates buzzer] OH, I'M SO SORRY, NO! IT'S WATER!! YES, WATER! MILES AND MILES OF WATER! BUT WAIT! WHAT'S OVER THERE?! OH MY GOLLY! MORE WATER! WAIT! HOW ABOUT THAT THERE!? GUESS WHAT! MORE WATER! [tosses periscope away] YESTERDAY, WATER! THE DAY BEFORE, WATER! FOR THE PAST 70 DAYS, WATER! NOTHING BUT WATER! [face turning red] YOU STARTING TO GET THE PICTURE, CAPTAIN!?
Christopher Columbus: I think the crow's nest needs a little vacae.
Loud Kiddington: LEMMIE CHECK, CAPTAIN! [peers through periscope] OH MY GOSH!! STRAIGHT AHEAD! YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT!
Christopher Columbus: What is it?
Loud Kiddington: GUESS!
Christopher Columbus: Land?
Loud Kiddington: [imitates buzzer] OH, I'M SO SORRY, NO! IT'S WATER!! YES, WATER! MILES AND MILES OF WATER! BUT WAIT! WHAT'S OVER THERE?! OH MY GOLLY! MORE WATER! WAIT! HOW ABOUT THAT THERE!? GUESS WHAT! MORE WATER! [tosses periscope away] YESTERDAY, WATER! THE DAY BEFORE, WATER! FOR THE PAST 70 DAYS, WATER! NOTHING BUT WATER! [face turning red] YOU STARTING TO GET THE PICTURE, CAPTAIN!?
Christopher Columbus: I think the crow's nest needs a little vacae.
TV Show: Histeria!
Christopher Columbus: Santa Maria! Can't you take that smelly baby somewhere else?!
Charity Bazaar: Well, captain, this is the poopdeck.
Charity Bazaar: Well, captain, this is the poopdeck.
TV Show: Histeria!
Froggo: Captain Columbus, sir?
Christopher Columbus: Yes, what is it?
Froggo: We've finished cleaning your maps.
Christopher Columbus: Cleaning my maps?
Lucky Bob: Yes now!
Froggo: We wiped off those squiggly red lines that someone drew all over them.
Christopher Columbus: You did WHAT?!!? I drew those lines after spending hours upon hours, calculating our exact course! Now I have no idea where we are! Waaaaaaaaaaah!
Toast: What's with him, bro?
Froggo: I'm not sure, but I think we erased his math homework.
Christopher Columbus: Yes, what is it?
Froggo: We've finished cleaning your maps.
Christopher Columbus: Cleaning my maps?
Lucky Bob: Yes now!
Froggo: We wiped off those squiggly red lines that someone drew all over them.
Christopher Columbus: You did WHAT?!!? I drew those lines after spending hours upon hours, calculating our exact course! Now I have no idea where we are! Waaaaaaaaaaah!
Toast: What's with him, bro?
Froggo: I'm not sure, but I think we erased his math homework.
TV Show: Histeria!
Miss Information: And so it was in 1492 that Christopher Columbus, with a little help from his friends, found America!
Toast: Guh! I didn't know it was missing!
Toast: Guh! I didn't know it was missing!
TV Show: Histeria!
Toast: Totally excuse us, captain-dude! But it's time for us to clean out your quarters!
Froggo: And when we're finished, we'll clean out your dimes and nickels.
Froggo: And when we're finished, we'll clean out your dimes and nickels.
TV Show: Histeria!
Pepper Mills: Hi, I'm Pepper Mills! Y'know, working on Histeria!, I've gotten to meet some of the biggest names in the world! For instance, this is me and the girl who is not Sabrina the Teenage Witch! Here I am with the guy who's not Leonardo DiCaprio! And this is me with the people who are not the cast of 60 Minutes! Ahahahaha! I love people! And now, back to Histeria!
TV Show: Histeria!
Charity Bazaar: [My friends are] all completely crazy.
Harriet Tubman: I agree.
Charity Bazaar: You and I are the only sane ones here.
Harriet Tubman: I think you're right.
Charity Bazaar: So... wanna fly with me to Mars on the mothership?
Harriet Tubman: What?! No way!
Charity Bazaar: [sighs] I guess I'm the only sane one here after all.
Harriet Tubman: I agree.
Charity Bazaar: You and I are the only sane ones here.
Harriet Tubman: I think you're right.
Charity Bazaar: So... wanna fly with me to Mars on the mothership?
Harriet Tubman: What?! No way!
Charity Bazaar: [sighs] I guess I'm the only sane one here after all.
TV Show: Histeria!
George Custer: I cannot wait until tomorrow, because I get better lookin' every day!
TV Show: Histeria!
George Custer: I dare anyone to try and sneak up on us here!
Loud Kiddington: [sneaks up behind him] HEY MISTER!!
Loud Kiddington: [sneaks up behind him] HEY MISTER!!
TV Show: Histeria!
Aka Pella: I want a small double-mocha-java-chip! To go!
George Custer: I don't understand.
Aka Pella: It meeeeans, I don't wanna eat it here!
George Custer: Your words are...foreign to me. Are you speaking Sioux?
Aka Pella: Mmm-hmm. But my name ain't Sue.
George Custer: I don't understand.
Aka Pella: It meeeeans, I don't wanna eat it here!
George Custer: Your words are...foreign to me. Are you speaking Sioux?
Aka Pella: Mmm-hmm. But my name ain't Sue.
TV Show: Histeria!
Genghis Khan: Who keeps letting these kids in? The great Khan is tryin' to relax! Hello?! I'm guessing someone in security wants to lose his head over this!
Toast: Ho-oh! Sorry about about that, great Khan dude. We got a little distracted.
Froggo: The WB is running the Sister, Sister marathon. Oh, how they make us laugh.
Toast: Ho-oh! Sorry about about that, great Khan dude. We got a little distracted.
Froggo: The WB is running the Sister, Sister marathon. Oh, how they make us laugh.
TV Show: Histeria!
Father Time: In history, Stalin was a despot, a murderer, a Communist dictator. But on The WB, he's the star of his own sitcom, My Buddy Stalin!
TV Show: Histeria!
Loud Kiddington: DUCK!!
Daffy Duck: Will you knock that off?! Sheesh! A bird could develop a complex around here!
Daffy Duck: Will you knock that off?! Sheesh! A bird could develop a complex around here!
TV Show: Histeria!
Edgar Allan Poe: I've just completed a rewrite we can all be proud of! Johnathan Livingston's Seagull is now a bloodthirsty vampire bat named Caroline, who is mysteriously compelled to fly into the propellor of an airplane, on the first page! [laughs evilly]
Basho: It is still too long! [screams and slices Poe's book in half]
Basho: It is still too long! [screams and slices Poe's book in half]
TV Show: Histeria!