Homicide - Life on the Street Quotes
Gee: Bayliss, where's Pembleton?
Bayliss: Uh, I don't know, Gee.
Gee: Don't say, "I don't know." He's your partner, you should know his every move, his every breath. Like a lover, he should never be far from your thoughts.
Bayliss: That was poetic.
Gee: I'm in no mood for sarcasm.
Bayliss: Uh, I don't know, Gee.
Gee: Don't say, "I don't know." He's your partner, you should know his every move, his every breath. Like a lover, he should never be far from your thoughts.
Bayliss: That was poetic.
Gee: I'm in no mood for sarcasm.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Howard: Smoking causes mouth, lung cancer, emphysema....
Felton: Oh my god, you quit smoking. You committed this madness without consulting me first? Are you nuts? You're selfish. You ex-smokers are more relentless than AA or the Moonies or those born-again vegetarians. Well, I'll tell you what, I'm not gonna let you bully me about this. I don't wanna hear about how your lungs are pinker than a newborn baby's or how you're free of mucus and phlegm. It's all a bunch of nonsense. It's all a bunch of crap. I don't want you counting the number of days you've gone without a cigarette when you're supposed to be watching my back. You put my life on the line. I'll put in for hazard pay. No, you know what? I'll put in for another partner.
Felton: Oh my god, you quit smoking. You committed this madness without consulting me first? Are you nuts? You're selfish. You ex-smokers are more relentless than AA or the Moonies or those born-again vegetarians. Well, I'll tell you what, I'm not gonna let you bully me about this. I don't wanna hear about how your lungs are pinker than a newborn baby's or how you're free of mucus and phlegm. It's all a bunch of nonsense. It's all a bunch of crap. I don't want you counting the number of days you've gone without a cigarette when you're supposed to be watching my back. You put my life on the line. I'll put in for hazard pay. No, you know what? I'll put in for another partner.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Ellison: There's thousands of us. And it's growing every year. We all end up talking to some poor Homicide detective like you and we all ask "Why me?". The truth is it's not "Why me?" anymore. It's "When me?"
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Pembleton: So you went out to dinner, then back to your place and after a night of hot, steamy, sweaty bone-rattling you laid back to light a cigarette. He got on your case about the cigarettes. It's about the smoking. It's about love, isn't it?
Howard: It shows, huh? I feel tawdry just thinking about it. I must be crazy, certifiable. I should see the department shrink about it. Frank...
Pembleton: What?
Howard: Frank, Ed Danvers is an alpha male. A stallion among ponies. A man larger than life itself.
Pembleton: You mean large as in large?
Howard: Why else do you think I quit a two pack a day habit?
Pembleton: Wait a minute, we're talking about Ed Danvers right? The midget dweeb? C'mon, cut it out.
Howard: No, he drives me insane; I see stars. I walk around feeling all this sweet pain.
Pembleton: I shouldn't be hearing this.
Howard: How do you talk about something like this? And he's constant. I mean anywhere, all day, all night, in the park, in the movie theatre.
Pembleton: Howard...
Howard: I had to set some ground rules. He can't touch me in restaraunts or the church.
Pembleton: Howard, I think you're going too far.
Howard: Frank, I was only kidding. I didn't give up cigarettes for Ed, I gave them up for me.
Pembleton: You were kidding? About everything?
Howard: Yes. No.
Pembleton: C'mon, Howard.
Howard: See, I guess you'll never know.
Howard: It shows, huh? I feel tawdry just thinking about it. I must be crazy, certifiable. I should see the department shrink about it. Frank...
Pembleton: What?
Howard: Frank, Ed Danvers is an alpha male. A stallion among ponies. A man larger than life itself.
Pembleton: You mean large as in large?
Howard: Why else do you think I quit a two pack a day habit?
Pembleton: Wait a minute, we're talking about Ed Danvers right? The midget dweeb? C'mon, cut it out.
Howard: No, he drives me insane; I see stars. I walk around feeling all this sweet pain.
Pembleton: I shouldn't be hearing this.
Howard: How do you talk about something like this? And he's constant. I mean anywhere, all day, all night, in the park, in the movie theatre.
Pembleton: Howard...
Howard: I had to set some ground rules. He can't touch me in restaraunts or the church.
Pembleton: Howard, I think you're going too far.
Howard: Frank, I was only kidding. I didn't give up cigarettes for Ed, I gave them up for me.
Pembleton: You were kidding? About everything?
Howard: Yes. No.
Pembleton: C'mon, Howard.
Howard: See, I guess you'll never know.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
[Fooling a suspect that a photocopier is an 'Electrolyte Neutron Magnetic Test Scanner']
Munch: Detective Bolander, continue the interrogation. Me, I gotta get outta here, because I cannot afford to lose any more of my sperm count.
Munch: Detective Bolander, continue the interrogation. Me, I gotta get outta here, because I cannot afford to lose any more of my sperm count.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Lewis: I know this probably doesn't say much for me; but you're probably the closest thing I have to a best friend. So without further ado, I want you to see my baby.
Crosetti: Ohh, Meldrick.
Lewis: She's a beauty, huh?
Crosetti: I think she looks like an engine.
Lewis: Not just an engine, Crosetti. It's a high-riser, 427- overhead V-8 with dual Holley carbs. 600 horses of power, baby, she flies like the wicked witch of the West. I'm gonna hafta move to Nevada.
Crosetti: Hold on, let me see it again. Where are the doors and the tires?
Lewis: See, this is the petty-minded details. What you have in your hand is the heart and soul of the Cobra that I am building.
Crosetti: Let me tell ya. That doesn't play with me, see when you buy a house, you don't buy a pile of dirt with a toilet on top of it. You get 4 walls which constitutes a dwelling. You - if you look very closely - have squat here.
Lewis: See, you're makin' fun of me and I appreciate that; but what I have there is the foundation of a classic sportscar. What you have on your tie there is ink. [phone rings] Homicide, Detective Goodwrench.
Crosetti: Ohh, Meldrick.
Lewis: She's a beauty, huh?
Crosetti: I think she looks like an engine.
Lewis: Not just an engine, Crosetti. It's a high-riser, 427- overhead V-8 with dual Holley carbs. 600 horses of power, baby, she flies like the wicked witch of the West. I'm gonna hafta move to Nevada.
Crosetti: Hold on, let me see it again. Where are the doors and the tires?
Lewis: See, this is the petty-minded details. What you have in your hand is the heart and soul of the Cobra that I am building.
Crosetti: Let me tell ya. That doesn't play with me, see when you buy a house, you don't buy a pile of dirt with a toilet on top of it. You get 4 walls which constitutes a dwelling. You - if you look very closely - have squat here.
Lewis: See, you're makin' fun of me and I appreciate that; but what I have there is the foundation of a classic sportscar. What you have on your tie there is ink. [phone rings] Homicide, Detective Goodwrench.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Felton: It's impossible to partner with someone when they're trying to quit smoking.
Pembleton: It's the guilt trip they run, right?
Felton: I feel like I gotta post bail everytime I take a cigarette out. Every time I take one out, I can feel Howard's eyes burning a hole through the back of my head, like I just abandoned her.
Pembleton: I quit smoking once. Gonna quit again. Someday for good.
Felton: Me too.
Pembleton: I quit for 3 months once.
Felton: 8 months.
Pembleton: 8 months? That's impressive. 8 months?
Felton: Well, not straight, no. Over the years, I quit smoking 10 times for a total of 8 months.
Pembleton: We should stop smoking.
Felton: Our partners, they know what they're doing.
Pembleton: They do; don't they? Self-righteous bastards.
Pembleton: It's the guilt trip they run, right?
Felton: I feel like I gotta post bail everytime I take a cigarette out. Every time I take one out, I can feel Howard's eyes burning a hole through the back of my head, like I just abandoned her.
Pembleton: I quit smoking once. Gonna quit again. Someday for good.
Felton: Me too.
Pembleton: I quit for 3 months once.
Felton: 8 months.
Pembleton: 8 months? That's impressive. 8 months?
Felton: Well, not straight, no. Over the years, I quit smoking 10 times for a total of 8 months.
Pembleton: We should stop smoking.
Felton: Our partners, they know what they're doing.
Pembleton: They do; don't they? Self-righteous bastards.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Felton: We've been on the night shift, what, a week? Every night someone lights this candle by the board.
Gee: You're a detective. Solve it.
Felton: A homicide detective. If the candle killed someone, I'd close the case.
Gee: You're a detective. Solve it.
Felton: A homicide detective. If the candle killed someone, I'd close the case.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Bolander: When I was young, a codependent relationship was a good marriage. Sometimes I wanna call my wife just to hear the sound of her voice; but I know that five minutes into that phone call, my blood pressure is going through the roof, the phone is sailing across the room, and I'm wishing that she's on a plane falling out of the sky. It's over. I know it's over. But I had to replace six telephones before I really got the hint.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Pembleton: Uh, Tim, I'm the secondary on this case. If you have something, I think you should share.
Bayliss: You should talk about sharing.
Bayliss: You should talk about sharing.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Ellison: The instant they pulled the trigger I lost my wife, but I joined a club. It's a very exclusive club. But the funny thing about the club is that none of the members want to belong. It's like some sort of secret society where only the initiated can recognize the other members.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Felton: Marvin, you have the right to remain silent, although personally I don't feel remaining silent is all that it's cracked up to be.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Bolander: Why is it when a guy leaves 5 drops of coffee painting the bottom of the pot, he thinks he's immune from brewing a fresh pot of coffee?
Felton: Sorry.
Bolander: I mean, everybody is lookin' to duck something.
Felton: I said I was sorry.
Bolander: Why when you go in the john, there's always one piece of toilet paper stuck to the roll? Cause some guy thinks that if he technically didn't finish it, he's not responsible for replacing it?
Munch: Society is based on technicalities. It's the hallmark of late capitalism, Stanley. Figure it out.
Bolander: Same thing with milk.
Felton: Stan, I'm brewing more coffee.
Bolander: How come every time I open that refrigerator, there's one drop of milk left in the carton? So who has to go to the 7-11 and replace the carton of milk?
Munch: Me.
Bolander: That's besides the point. He's doing that on my behalf. He could be doing something else for me.
Felton: Sorry.
Bolander: I mean, everybody is lookin' to duck something.
Felton: I said I was sorry.
Bolander: Why when you go in the john, there's always one piece of toilet paper stuck to the roll? Cause some guy thinks that if he technically didn't finish it, he's not responsible for replacing it?
Munch: Society is based on technicalities. It's the hallmark of late capitalism, Stanley. Figure it out.
Bolander: Same thing with milk.
Felton: Stan, I'm brewing more coffee.
Bolander: How come every time I open that refrigerator, there's one drop of milk left in the carton? So who has to go to the 7-11 and replace the carton of milk?
Munch: Me.
Bolander: That's besides the point. He's doing that on my behalf. He could be doing something else for me.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Lewis: You go when it's time to go, and all the rest is homicide.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Pembleton: You know, being cops, I kind of hoped they'd be better liars.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Pembleton: [Having persuaded an innocent man to confess to a crime he didn't commit on Giardello's urges] He would have stood a better chance in the back of a paddywagon with the jackboots and clubs. He would have gotten a fair shake.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Munch: You know, Stanley, this woman, you gotta respect her. Why she goes out with you, I'll never know. As far as I'm concerned, your good fortune hangs right there with the great mysteries of life, right alongside the whereabouts of the lost tribes of Israel and the true meaning to the lyrics of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Munch: Say what you will about Judas, but he had his good points. If it wasn't for him, the whole show wouldn't have gotten under way in the first place.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Munch: We have the city of Angels, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, The city of Brotherly Love, and now, Baltimore, City of the Broken-Hearted. She asked me to marry her. Twice. She asked me. But I love Felicia beyond the immediate moment. I love her for all of eternity and so I know, she's too young. I tell her and here I see you, dallying with Linda. It is Linda, isn't it? My heart sinks to the floor to see your youth. Your fleeting youth. Come autumn, and autumn does come, doesn't it, Kay? You'll be sitting in that big bay window of yours...
Howard: What bay window?
Munch: Some other window you got. Whatever looks out onto the street.
Howard: Oh.
Munch: The rains will be falling; those first hard, vicious rains of the season and you'll wonder what exactly it was that broke you and Danvers up...
Danvers: Wait a minute.
Munch: You know what I'm saying Danvers. I can tell by your tone of voice, you know. You've been in that window, looking down, haven't you? Everyone will be outside, holding hands, being in love, and you'll wonder why you and Danvers are now just good friends. And you'll be standing somewhere by yourself, and there will be that song, that song. Doesn't matter when you hear it, when it comes on, it'll make you think of all those silly little things you did together. You'll break up, get back together, break up, get back together... Call it off for good, find yourself sitting up in bed next to her on one last desperate evening saying to yourself, I miss her. And she's laying in bed next to you thinking the same thing about you...
Bolander: Munch, if you don't shut up and shut up fast, I'll gut ya.
Munch: Truth hurts; doesn't it, Stanley?
Howard: Life is so depressing. Love is hopeless.
Danvers: C'mon, Kay. I'll take you home.
Howard: No, Ed. I need to be alone tonight. Goodnight.
<
Howard: What bay window?
Munch: Some other window you got. Whatever looks out onto the street.
Howard: Oh.
Munch: The rains will be falling; those first hard, vicious rains of the season and you'll wonder what exactly it was that broke you and Danvers up...
Danvers: Wait a minute.
Munch: You know what I'm saying Danvers. I can tell by your tone of voice, you know. You've been in that window, looking down, haven't you? Everyone will be outside, holding hands, being in love, and you'll wonder why you and Danvers are now just good friends. And you'll be standing somewhere by yourself, and there will be that song, that song. Doesn't matter when you hear it, when it comes on, it'll make you think of all those silly little things you did together. You'll break up, get back together, break up, get back together... Call it off for good, find yourself sitting up in bed next to her on one last desperate evening saying to yourself, I miss her. And she's laying in bed next to you thinking the same thing about you...
Bolander: Munch, if you don't shut up and shut up fast, I'll gut ya.
Munch: Truth hurts; doesn't it, Stanley?
Howard: Life is so depressing. Love is hopeless.
Danvers: C'mon, Kay. I'll take you home.
Howard: No, Ed. I need to be alone tonight. Goodnight.
<
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Pembleton: Listen, let me tell you something. We're all guilty of something, cruelty, or greed, or, or going 65 in a 55 mile per hour zone. But you know what? You wanna think about yourself as the fair-haired choir boy? You go AHEAD.
Bayliss: All right. Okay, so, uh, what are you saying, huh?
Pembleton: I'm saying you got a darkness, you, Tim Bayliss, you got a darkness inside of you. You gotta know the darker, uglier sides of yourself. You gotta recognize them, so that they're not constantly sneaking up on you. You gotta LOVE 'EM, 'cause they're part of you, because along with your virtues, they make you who you are. Virtue isn't virtue unless it slams up against vice. So consequently, your virtue's not real virtue. Until it's been tested. . . tempted.
Bayliss: All right. Okay, so, uh, what are you saying, huh?
Pembleton: I'm saying you got a darkness, you, Tim Bayliss, you got a darkness inside of you. You gotta know the darker, uglier sides of yourself. You gotta recognize them, so that they're not constantly sneaking up on you. You gotta LOVE 'EM, 'cause they're part of you, because along with your virtues, they make you who you are. Virtue isn't virtue unless it slams up against vice. So consequently, your virtue's not real virtue. Until it's been tested. . . tempted.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Crosetti: Either it's murder, or this library has a very strict overdue policy.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Bayliss: You guys think I'm a jerk, don't you? You think that I'm this naive rookie? Listen, if you wanna talk about me behind my back, that's fine. You go right ahead. But when I ask you to cop to it, please don't give me some lame story, alright?
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Howard: Your wife called, lookin' for you. Where were you?
Felton: Beth called you tonight?
Howard: Yeah, she said you told her we were working late on a case.
Beau: What did you tell her?
Howard: I told her you were in my bathroom washing up after some great sex.
Felton: Beth called you tonight?
Howard: Yeah, she said you told her we were working late on a case.
Beau: What did you tell her?
Howard: I told her you were in my bathroom washing up after some great sex.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Pembleton: The Jesuits taught me how to think - I haven't felt safe since.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Lewis: Alright, John. I got a couple of questions for you and I want you to answer absolutely and honestly.
Munch: Of course.
Lewis: Question #1. Have you ever been arrested for a felony or a misdemeanor?
Munch: No. Next.
Lewis: C'mon John. Think back. Think way back to the hazy days of the summer of love. Your callow youth.
Munch: Oh, yeah. -- No.
Lewis: John, this is very important, ok? The liquor board gets the report from the state police, so if you have any demons in your closet, now is the time to set them free.
Munch: Are you implying that in my college years I was engaged in activities of a criminal nature?
Lewis: Yes. Everybody knows you were a major pothead. C'mon, man. I don't care if you smoked the stuff, I don't even care if you sold it. What I need to know is, were you ever caught?
Munch: Never.
Lewis: Okay. Great.
Munch: Can I go now?
Lewis: I have a few more questions for you.
Munch: Can I have an attorney present?
Munch: Of course.
Lewis: Question #1. Have you ever been arrested for a felony or a misdemeanor?
Munch: No. Next.
Lewis: C'mon John. Think back. Think way back to the hazy days of the summer of love. Your callow youth.
Munch: Oh, yeah. -- No.
Lewis: John, this is very important, ok? The liquor board gets the report from the state police, so if you have any demons in your closet, now is the time to set them free.
Munch: Are you implying that in my college years I was engaged in activities of a criminal nature?
Lewis: Yes. Everybody knows you were a major pothead. C'mon, man. I don't care if you smoked the stuff, I don't even care if you sold it. What I need to know is, were you ever caught?
Munch: Never.
Lewis: Okay. Great.
Munch: Can I go now?
Lewis: I have a few more questions for you.
Munch: Can I have an attorney present?
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Munch: This is just a stupid formality. We gotta go all the way down there just so some bureacrat, some puny bureacrat who's overfed and probably got bad skin, so he can feel important?
Lewis: Don't open your mouth.
Munch: Me? Open my mouth?
Lewis: No, no. Promise me. I gotta hear it from you. Say, I'll be good.
Munch: I promise I'll be good.
Lewis: Oh, and there's one other thing. Don't wear that tie with the little bhuddas on it. It's ugly.
Munch: And what's wrong with that tie?
Lewis: I wouldn't give directions to a guy wearing a tie like that.
Munch: Well, guess what? That just happens to be my lucky tie. I love that tie. Felicia gave me that tie.
Lewis: Well, there you go. I rest my case.
Lewis: Don't open your mouth.
Munch: Me? Open my mouth?
Lewis: No, no. Promise me. I gotta hear it from you. Say, I'll be good.
Munch: I promise I'll be good.
Lewis: Oh, and there's one other thing. Don't wear that tie with the little bhuddas on it. It's ugly.
Munch: And what's wrong with that tie?
Lewis: I wouldn't give directions to a guy wearing a tie like that.
Munch: Well, guess what? That just happens to be my lucky tie. I love that tie. Felicia gave me that tie.
Lewis: Well, there you go. I rest my case.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Liquor Commissioner: The other guy should be here.
Lewis: But we don't have to reschedule. I called ahead.
Liquor Commissioner: But it seems we have a little problem here.
Lewis: No, we don't. What you have there is everything. Signed, sealed and delivered.
Liquor Commissioner: Your pal has a conviction. Misdemeanor gambling from '84.
Munch: I don't... Wouldn't I remember that?
Liquor Commissioner: It's this other guy, Bayliss.
Lewis: But we don't have to reschedule. I called ahead.
Liquor Commissioner: But it seems we have a little problem here.
Lewis: No, we don't. What you have there is everything. Signed, sealed and delivered.
Liquor Commissioner: Your pal has a conviction. Misdemeanor gambling from '84.
Munch: I don't... Wouldn't I remember that?
Liquor Commissioner: It's this other guy, Bayliss.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Pembleton: The worst sin in my book: the killer that goes unpunished.
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street
Danvers: She has Multiple Personality Disorder. That helps her, not me.
Munch: I got it! Why don't we charge one of the personalities with harboring a fugitive?
Munch: I got it! Why don't we charge one of the personalities with harboring a fugitive?
TV Show: Homicide - Life on the Street