How I Met Your Mother Quotes
[Flashback of Barney talking to Lily in San Francisco]
Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened. [Barney slams the door behind him, but opens it again] Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do... Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?
Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened. [Barney slams the door behind him, but opens it again] Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do... Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: [Lily walks out, wearing her wedding dress] Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful!
Lily: I know, I'm beautiful! I'm a fairy princess! [She lifts her arms up and the dress falls down] I'm too skinny for my dress!!
Lily: I know, I'm beautiful! I'm a fairy princess! [She lifts her arms up and the dress falls down] I'm too skinny for my dress!!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney wants to know the identity of his father]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? A lot of kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Barney's Mom: Oh, I don't know. That guy. [points to TV set showing a broadcast of The Price Is Right]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? A lot of kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Barney's Mom: Oh, I don't know. That guy. [points to TV set showing a broadcast of The Price Is Right]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: May I have everybody's attention? [Everyone ignores Barney] It's for the bride.
[Everyone stops talking & turns towards Barney]
[Everyone stops talking & turns towards Barney]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: Dude, you shaved your fricking head!
Marshall: Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- [Looks in mirror] Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!?
Ted: What!?
Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you!
Marshall: Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- [Looks in mirror] Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!?
Ted: What!?
Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Lily: We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall, their son Totally, and their daughter Freaking?
Marshall: Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall, their son Totally, and their daughter Freaking?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?
Robin: Where do you see yourself?
Ted: Honestly, in five years, I'd probably want to be married.
Robin: And I'd probably want to be in Argentina.
Ted: Argentina?
Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years. I don't wanna know. I want my life to be an adventure.
Ted: [pause, sadly] We have an expiration date, don't we?
Robin: Where do you see yourself?
Ted: Honestly, in five years, I'd probably want to be married.
Robin: And I'd probably want to be in Argentina.
Ted: Argentina?
Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years. I don't wanna know. I want my life to be an adventure.
Ted: [pause, sadly] We have an expiration date, don't we?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Ted confronts Robin over Gael leaving Spanish massage oil on his apartment]
Ted: Look, us breaking up was the right thing, but it took some time to get over you, you know. I'm still getting over you, but you, you were over the minute they started the in-flight movie.
Robin: Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.
Ted: You weren't trying to win the breakup?
Robin: I was trying to survive it.
Ted: Look, us breaking up was the right thing, but it took some time to get over you, you know. I'm still getting over you, but you, you were over the minute they started the in-flight movie.
Robin: Over it? My first three days in Argentina, I cried my eyes out. I missed you so much. I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, but the truth is, it was really lonely. And that's why Gael happened.
Ted: You weren't trying to win the breakup?
Robin: I was trying to survive it.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney is in his office, working late. He answers his phone]
Barney: Go for Barney.
Marshall: Hey man. It's Marshall. Check your email, sent you something.
Barney: What is it?
Marshall: A new website. Slapcountdown.com
Barney: [Barney looks at his computer screen, which displays a timer counting down days, hours, minutes and seconds.] What does this mean? Marshall? [Marshall has already hung up] No... NOOOOOOOOO!
Barney: Go for Barney.
Marshall: Hey man. It's Marshall. Check your email, sent you something.
Barney: What is it?
Marshall: A new website. Slapcountdown.com
Barney: [Barney looks at his computer screen, which displays a timer counting down days, hours, minutes and seconds.] What does this mean? Marshall? [Marshall has already hung up] No... NOOOOOOOOO!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: Within a triad of solar periods, you'll recognize your dearth of compatibility with your paramour and conclude your association.
Robin: My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.
Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?
Barney: It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.
Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.
Robin: My journey was transformative and I reassert my commitment to both the aforementioned paramour and the philosophies he espouses.
Gael: What are we talking of? Baseball?
Barney: It's all gonna return to masticate you in the glutials. Support my hypothesis, Ted.
Ted: I'm just jubilant my former paramour is jubilant.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: Quick announcement: I am glad you are here, fellow travelers. A couple rules. Ah, not rules, let's call them "Guidelines for Harmonious Living". Guideline for Harmonious Living #1: The kitchen sink is for dishes, the toilet is for pee-pee. GFHL #2: Marijuana is illegal in the United States, yes, even when baked into a blueberry muffin, that someone might mistakenly eat for breakfast, before leaving for their job as a TV newscaster. "This just in, look at my hand, how weird is my hand?" is not an appropriate thing to say on the air. And #3-
[everyone cheers]
Robin: AND #3 IS KEEP THE NOISE TO A MINIMUM! I have to take a nap. I'm still pretty baked.
[everyone cheers]
Robin: AND #3 IS KEEP THE NOISE TO A MINIMUM! I have to take a nap. I'm still pretty baked.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: What? We agreed! I suited up!
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
Marshall: Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!
Barney: You take too long to get ready.
Ted: What are you talking about? I got the low-maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look.
Marshall: Which takes about an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve.
Barney: And then he starts on his hair. Ace!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Marshall: Okay, new scenario: We're caught in a car crash, you die, I'm left paralyzed. Two sexy nurses come in with a 6-pack of wine coolers. I try to blink at them in Morse code. [bats eyes] Please... no... I love my dead wife. But they're medical professionals and I have to assume this is good for me.
Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
Marshall: [Muttering] Already did this morning.
Lily: Fine, sleep with your nurses. Tonight you ride the unicycle.
Marshall: [Muttering] Already did this morning.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Robin: What's my "but"? You know, I'm really nice, but...
Ted [voiceover]: But she's afraid of commitment.
Lily [voiceover]: But she's a gun nut.
Barney [voiceover]: But she's... Canadian.
Marshall [voiceover]: But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.
All: I can't think of anything.
Ted [voiceover]: But she's afraid of commitment.
Lily [voiceover]: But she's a gun nut.
Barney [voiceover]: But she's... Canadian.
Marshall [voiceover]: But she doesn't like Field of Dreams.
All: I can't think of anything.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Doug: You're supposed to pour the milk first!
Robin: No, you pour the cereal first to see how much milk you need!
Doug: It tastes better milk first!
Robin: It tastes the same!
Doug: Why are you wearing my dad's pants?
Robin: Milk first it is.
Robin: No, you pour the cereal first to see how much milk you need!
Doug: It tastes better milk first!
Robin: It tastes the same!
Doug: Why are you wearing my dad's pants?
Robin: Milk first it is.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Blah Blah: You guys dated? For how long?
Robin: A year. But, don't worry. The relationship wasn't that good. At the end, it was mostly about sex. Which wasn't that good. I was the problem. I just lie there. But Ted is very good. He will... get you where you need to go.
Robin: A year. But, don't worry. The relationship wasn't that good. At the end, it was mostly about sex. Which wasn't that good. I was the problem. I just lie there. But Ted is very good. He will... get you where you need to go.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[flashback to when Marshall met Barney]
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. [Lily walks in the bar] How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted, should I go for it?
Ted: Don't do it, man, think about Lily.
Marshall: You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger! [Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar] Poor guy's gonna crash and burn. [Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.] That man is a GOD!
Marshall: I'm not gonna cheat on my girlfriend.
Barney: Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. Look at her. [Lily walks in the bar] How much hotter is she than your girlfriend?
Marshall: There's no comparison. What do you think, Ted, should I go for it?
Ted: Don't do it, man, think about Lily.
Marshall: You know what, I don't care, I've been with the same woman for too long. I need me some strange.
Barney: Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger! [Marshall gets up and goes up to the bar] Poor guy's gonna crash and burn. [Marshall and Lily kiss, Barney spits out his drink.] That man is a GOD!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: [to Marshall, who is talking about being recruited by Jeff Coatsworth] Oh, he's good. Classic seduction technique. I use it all the time. First, I buy her, and by her I mean you, a drink. Then I pretend to be interested in whatever she cares about, for you that would be the.. environment. I be all sympathetic and before you know it, you're naked in my apartment shouting, "Oh-oh, Ba-ar-nee-ee-ee!" And by you, I mean her...
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
[Barney gets the gang a copy of a porn movie starring 'the other' Ted Mosby]
Barney: Got it. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.
Ted: Terrific.
Barney: [loads DVD] You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.
[DVD plays, showing Lance Hardwood and a woman]Lance Hardwood: [taps keys] Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.
Ted: That really looks like our apartment.
Barney: It is. Oh, I should return these. [gives flat keys back to Ted]Woman: Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.
Marshall, Ted, Robin and Lily: OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]
Barney: Got it. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.
Ted: Terrific.
Barney: [loads DVD] You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.
[DVD plays, showing Lance Hardwood and a woman]Lance Hardwood: [taps keys] Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.
Ted: That really looks like our apartment.
Barney: It is. Oh, I should return these. [gives flat keys back to Ted]Woman: Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.
Marshall, Ted, Robin and Lily: OOOOHH!!! [stand up suddenly from the couch in disgust]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Marshall: Ted, how many times have I told you to put the lid back on the peanut butter jar?! It's this inconsiderate, immature jackassery that makes me feel like I'm living in The Real World House! And not the early days when they all had jobs and social consciences, I'm talking about Hawaii, and after! I can't take it anymore! Ted, Lily and I are married now! It's time! We're getting our own place!
Lily: ... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby.
Lily: ... Actually, I left the lid off, sorry, baby.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Lily: I don't think now is the right time to buy.
Marshall: But we're not doing this for now; we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here?
[Lily imagines painting with her two daughters.]
Lily: Oh, Persephone, oh Daphne, these will make great additions to our up-and-coming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.
Marshall: [enters in a turtleneck, carrying a dog and crêpes au chocolat] Looks great, girls. Who wants crêpes au chocolat?
Lily, Persephone, & Daphne: Merci, Papa!
Marshall: But we're not doing this for now; we're doing this for our future. Can't you imagine starting a family here?
[Lily imagines painting with her two daughters.]
Lily: Oh, Persephone, oh Daphne, these will make great additions to our up-and-coming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.
Marshall: [enters in a turtleneck, carrying a dog and crêpes au chocolat] Looks great, girls. Who wants crêpes au chocolat?
Lily, Persephone, & Daphne: Merci, Papa!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Marshall: [looking for his password] Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi bears, ginger snaps- this is a grocery list.
Robin: For who, a witch building a house in the forest?
Marshall: Sugar helps me study.
Barney: This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.
Lily: Who leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
Barney[Sarcastically]: Oh, and your mom was perfect.
Robin: For who, a witch building a house in the forest?
Marshall: Sugar helps me study.
Barney: This is the kind of shopping a ten-year-old does when he's alone for the weekend.
Lily: Who leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?
Barney[Sarcastically]: Oh, and your mom was perfect.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: So I just got off the phone with Kathy. God, you guys are so right. I totally hear it now. ...See it now? ...Smell it? What is it? I left the table for two minutes. What could she possibly have done in that time that was so horrible? Was it -
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in one second.
Kathy: One time, in tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me. He's still in jail.
Ted: Or maybe...
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in a second.
Kathy: So I volunteered at the pound.
Lily: Oh isn't that nice!
Kathy: You can't imagine the rush you get from killing an unwanted puppy. I make bracelets out of the collars. [shows her bracelet]
Ted: Or...
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in one second.
Kathy: I bet he's going to the urinal. Yeah, I remember when I had a penis.
[Barney spits out his water]
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in one second.
Kathy: One time, in tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone that my English teacher had sex with me. He's still in jail.
Ted: Or maybe...
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in a second.
Kathy: So I volunteered at the pound.
Lily: Oh isn't that nice!
Kathy: You can't imagine the rush you get from killing an unwanted puppy. I make bracelets out of the collars. [shows her bracelet]
Ted: Or...
[flashback to restaurant]
Ted: I'll be back in one second.
Kathy: I bet he's going to the urinal. Yeah, I remember when I had a penis.
[Barney spits out his water]
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: How many days are there in October?
Barney: Ah, thirty?
Ted: Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.
[flashback to last year]
Barney: [as Borat] I like Halloween very much. Is nice! [flashes thumbs-up]
Ted: [in a Borat-style accent] Is also tomorrow.
Barney: Damn it!
Barney: Ah, thirty?
Ted: Dude, I thought we cleared this up last year.
[flashback to last year]
Barney: [as Borat] I like Halloween very much. Is nice! [flashes thumbs-up]
Ted: [in a Borat-style accent] Is also tomorrow.
Barney: Damn it!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: Hey, guys, we're in the last 20 seconds of Marshall's countdown to nothing!
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Barney: How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?
Computer: The slap will occur in ten-
Barney: Ooh, classy touch, dude. TOO BAD!
Lily: Barney, put it away!
Barney: I will. In [counts with the computer] five, four-
Lily: [to Marshall] You can slap him.
Barney: What??
Computer: Two, one.
[Marshall slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's three!
Lily: Barney, put it away.
Barney: How does it feel, Marshall? To sit there impotently, your large, flaccid hand just dangling in the wind?
Computer: The slap will occur in ten-
Barney: Ooh, classy touch, dude. TOO BAD!
Lily: Barney, put it away!
Barney: I will. In [counts with the computer] five, four-
Lily: [to Marshall] You can slap him.
Barney: What??
Computer: Two, one.
[Marshall slaps Barney]
Marshall: That's three!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?
Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.
Ted: What do you do?
Barney: I invest.
Barney: Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.
Ted: What do you do?
Barney: I invest.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Trish: All right. Start with a hundred push-ups!
Marshall: All right, cool. How many do you want me to do?
Trish: A hundred.
Marshall: Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech, "A hundred push-ups." Like, "do a bazillion push-ups." No one can do a hundred.
Trish: [sniffing] Do you smell that?
Marshall: No.
Trish: Smells like there's a little bitch in my gym. Are you being a little bitch in my gym?
Marshall: No.
Trish: Then get on the floor and give me a hundred!
Marshall: All right, cool. How many do you want me to do?
Trish: A hundred.
Marshall: Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech, "A hundred push-ups." Like, "do a bazillion push-ups." No one can do a hundred.
Trish: [sniffing] Do you smell that?
Marshall: No.
Trish: Smells like there's a little bitch in my gym. Are you being a little bitch in my gym?
Marshall: No.
Trish: Then get on the floor and give me a hundred!
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Lily: We're not gonna date them, we're just gonna be friends with them.
Barney: That's the couple's version of dating.
Robin: And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. You wanna have brunch with them, you wanna go to Pottery Barn with them, you wanna go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you wanna antique the crap out of them.
Barney: That's the couple's version of dating.
Robin: And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. You wanna have brunch with them, you wanna go to Pottery Barn with them, you wanna go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you wanna antique the crap out of them.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Ted: [Flashes his butterfly tattoo.] Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer.
Lily: Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?
Lily: Oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper from Reno with daddy issues?
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother
Barney: Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There’s three rules of cheating: 1. It’s not cheating if you’re not the one who’s married. 2. It’s not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she’s from a different area code. You’re fine on all three counts.
Ted: How do you know she’s from a different area code?
Barney: She’s 516. She might dress like she’s 718 and act like she’s 212, but trust me she’s 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty’s Day? If that dude’s not 973, I’m 307. [Ted looks confused] ... Wyoming.
Ted: How do you know she’s from a different area code?
Barney: She’s 516. She might dress like she’s 718 and act like she’s 212, but trust me she’s 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty’s Day? If that dude’s not 973, I’m 307. [Ted looks confused] ... Wyoming.
TV Show: How I Met Your Mother