It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes
Charlie Kelly: [after informing a rival bar that the gang poisoned them 10 year ago to win a flip cup tournament] Check it out... Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water?
Mac: [Customers begin spitting out water] Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't have any on me. But, I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank Reynolds: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. [pause]
Frank Reynolds: What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie Kelly: Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy.
Frank Reynolds: And the mayo?
Charlie Kelly: That's shampoo.
Frank Reynolds: You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie Kelly: If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably.
Mac: [Customers begin spitting out water] Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie Kelly: No, I don't have any on me. But, I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank Reynolds: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. [pause]
Frank Reynolds: What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie Kelly: Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy.
Frank Reynolds: And the mayo?
Charlie Kelly: That's shampoo.
Frank Reynolds: You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie Kelly: If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie Kelly: I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie Kelly: Hello, fellow American. This, you should vote me! I leave power! Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. Taxes! They'll be lower! Sun. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do, Philadelphia, so do.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: Okay, Dennis, I'm confused.
Dennis Reynolds: Why's that?
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: These are just pictures of women with giant breasts.
Dennis Reynolds: ...Yeah.
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: And in some of these sketches, the women aren't even wearing clothes.
Dennis Reynolds: Yes.
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: Well... Why?
Dennis Reynolds: Listen... Let me level with you. You're an attractive girl. I mean certainly you've got some potential, right? There's no reason to be so nervous around me. Why don't you just order a couple of my dresses and maybe if you're lucky, I'll even make one special just for you. And if you look good enough in it... hell, I might even consider having sex with you. How does that sound?
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: Terrible.
Dennis Reynolds: Alright, let's just calm down. You're having a reaction. It's understandable. It's the nerd in you talking. Why don't we start over. How many of my dresses would you like to order?
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: None. Not one.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, well I'm not going to take no for an answer because I just refuse to do that because I'm a winner and winners... we don't listen to words like "no" or "don't" or "stop!" Those words are just not in our vocabulary. I know what you need. You need to see my dresses on a model. I'll tell you what, I'm going to come back tomorrow with a model.
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: Please don't do that.
Dennis Reynolds: Save your breath, Ingrid. Those words have never worked on me. I'll see you tomorrow.
Dennis Reynolds: Why's that?
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: These are just pictures of women with giant breasts.
Dennis Reynolds: ...Yeah.
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: And in some of these sketches, the women aren't even wearing clothes.
Dennis Reynolds: Yes.
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: Well... Why?
Dennis Reynolds: Listen... Let me level with you. You're an attractive girl. I mean certainly you've got some potential, right? There's no reason to be so nervous around me. Why don't you just order a couple of my dresses and maybe if you're lucky, I'll even make one special just for you. And if you look good enough in it... hell, I might even consider having sex with you. How does that sound?
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: Terrible.
Dennis Reynolds: Alright, let's just calm down. You're having a reaction. It's understandable. It's the nerd in you talking. Why don't we start over. How many of my dresses would you like to order?
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: None. Not one.
Dennis Reynolds: Okay, well I'm not going to take no for an answer because I just refuse to do that because I'm a winner and winners... we don't listen to words like "no" or "don't" or "stop!" Those words are just not in our vocabulary. I know what you need. You need to see my dresses on a model. I'll tell you what, I'm going to come back tomorrow with a model.
Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson: Please don't do that.
Dennis Reynolds: Save your breath, Ingrid. Those words have never worked on me. I'll see you tomorrow.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: Are you sure?
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, look at his jeans dude that's a, that's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah that's a dick in those pants.
Mac: There's a dick in those pants!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah.
Mac: I'll be right back.
Mac: Excuse me bro can you give me a second. [Club goer exits]
Mac: Thanks. Is that a penis in your pants?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: You lied to me.
Carmen: No i didn't, you lied to me. You don't work out? Please i see you at the gym your ripped.
Mac: Wait don't turn this around... Wait, really? You think so.
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: I was afraid i was getting a little too ripped, you know?
Carmen: No, i like it.
Mac: Wow. Hmmmm.
Mac: Well i gotta get back to work, umm, but i don't know maybe ill give you a call sometime.
Carmen: Ok.
Mac: Yeah, yeah ill give you a call.
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, look at his jeans dude that's a, that's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.
Dee Reynolds: Yeah that's a dick in those pants.
Mac: There's a dick in those pants!
Dennis Reynolds: Yeah.
Mac: I'll be right back.
Mac: Excuse me bro can you give me a second. [Club goer exits]
Mac: Thanks. Is that a penis in your pants?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: You lied to me.
Carmen: No i didn't, you lied to me. You don't work out? Please i see you at the gym your ripped.
Mac: Wait don't turn this around... Wait, really? You think so.
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: I was afraid i was getting a little too ripped, you know?
Carmen: No, i like it.
Mac: Wow. Hmmmm.
Mac: Well i gotta get back to work, umm, but i don't know maybe ill give you a call sometime.
Carmen: Ok.
Mac: Yeah, yeah ill give you a call.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: Is this supposed to be dirt? it smells like shit!
Frank: It is shit! Its a barnyard!
Dennis: Frank, nobody is gonna step in shit!
Frank: It is shit! Its a barnyard!
Dennis: Frank, nobody is gonna step in shit!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: Seriously Rex? You're just gonna step right in there?
Rex: I wanna win bro, billboard.
Rex: I wanna win bro, billboard.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: [Drunk and slurring] Sooo I thought we could celebrate, with some pizza! And soome beer! Ohhh, that's right! I ate all the pizza, and I drank all the beer.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: [in Dennis' bed] Am I peeing?...Hey guys, if I'm peeing, wake me up!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Frank: This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married.
Dennis: It's the safest way, Frank.
Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.
Dennis: It's the safest way, Frank.
Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dee: I have been taking this place up the butt with a little thing I like to call "Dee's Double-Drop."
Dennis: So you're doing the double-drop here too?
Dee: You know about that?
Dennis: Yeah, we always used to take the difference out of your purse.
Dennis: So you're doing the double-drop here too?
Dee: You know about that?
Dennis: Yeah, we always used to take the difference out of your purse.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dee: I'm not asking you to do anything, just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: I'll tell you what buddy, I can help you out. I'm gonna toss a frame-bang your way. Here's how that works: I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping.. and I ease into her real nice. That way you're both cheating on each other and she can't clean you out.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: We're both men of the law. You know. We get after it. You know, we jabber jaw, we go tit for tat. We have our little differences. But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: I'll just regress, because I feel I've made myself perfectly redundant.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? Think there’s no answer? You’re so stupid! There is! Kitten Mittons. Finally, there is an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats…. I couldn’t hear anything! Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between? That doesn’t matter! Cause one size fits all! Kitten Mittons! You’ll be smitten! So come on down to Paddy’s Pub. We’re the hoooooooommee of the original Kitten Mittons. Meeeeeeeeeeowwwww!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Charlie: Guess who just found some investors for kitten mittens?
Dee: I told you, people love stupid shit!
Charlie: Why do you keep calling it stupid, though?
Dee: It's really stupid. But people are stupid too, so...
Dee: I told you, people love stupid shit!
Charlie: Why do you keep calling it stupid, though?
Dee: It's really stupid. But people are stupid too, so...
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?
Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia! I didn't think it was that big a secret.
Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia! I didn't think it was that big a secret.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Black Student: Bout to bust that shit up Reece, Bout to bust that shit up Boy!
Mac: Absolutely.
Mac: Absolutely.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee: Is he jo..? Is that..? Are you.. joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.
Dee: Is he jo..? Is that..? Are you.. joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: [at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
Dennis: Pff...sucks for me.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
Dennis: Pff...sucks for me.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dee: Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
[Tommy spits in Charlie's face]
Charlie: Oh my God! I will...I will smash your face into- into a jelly!
Charlie: Oh my God! I will...I will smash your face into- into a jelly!
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don’t know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn’t that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we’d get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Dee: Hello, Stephen.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick’s car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that’s OK, that’s OK, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don’t like where this is headed.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don’t know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn’t that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we’d get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Dee: Hello, Stephen.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick’s car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that’s OK, that’s OK, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don’t like where this is headed.
TV Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia