King of Queens Quotes
[A argument between Arthur and Carrie]
Arthur: I've got two words for you: I'm staying right here!
Carrie: That's four words.
Arthur: Well, here's four more words for you: screw you!
Carrie: That's two words.
Doug: Arthur maybe you should stop saying how many words you are going to use in advance.
Arthur: Yeah, once you do that you're pretty much locked in, huh?
Arthur: I've got two words for you: I'm staying right here!
Carrie: That's four words.
Arthur: Well, here's four more words for you: screw you!
Carrie: That's two words.
Doug: Arthur maybe you should stop saying how many words you are going to use in advance.
Arthur: Yeah, once you do that you're pretty much locked in, huh?
TV Show: King of Queens
[Arthur's house is on fire]
Arthur: I wonder if it's too late to get insurance.
Arthur: I wonder if it's too late to get insurance.
TV Show: King of Queens
[Doug's first encounter with Carrie was when Doug worked as a nightclub bouncer and his friend and co-worker Richie got him a a date with Carrie's friend, Lynn]
Lynn: Do you...you know, get in to a lot of fights at the club?
Doug Hefferman: Well, you know, it is...it's...I try everything I can not to fight. It's like I tell my boys. Always be nice. Be very nice. Until it's time to not be nice. Then...be very not nice.
Lynn: [laughs] I love that!
Doug Hefferman: Yeah, I can't take full credit though. Patrick Swayze said it at Road House.
Lynn: Oh, I never saw that movie!
Doug Hefferman: You never saw it...? It's only the greatest movie ever made except for Risky Business.
Lynn: Do you...you know, get in to a lot of fights at the club?
Doug Hefferman: Well, you know, it is...it's...I try everything I can not to fight. It's like I tell my boys. Always be nice. Be very nice. Until it's time to not be nice. Then...be very not nice.
Lynn: [laughs] I love that!
Doug Hefferman: Yeah, I can't take full credit though. Patrick Swayze said it at Road House.
Lynn: Oh, I never saw that movie!
Doug Hefferman: You never saw it...? It's only the greatest movie ever made except for Risky Business.
TV Show: King of Queens
Doug: Hi. I'm Doug. (strikes a pose) I'm a Pisces. I like walks in the rain and bags of pork rinds.
TV Show: King of Queens
[Doug and Carrie are canoeing, and Doug is singing while they paddle]
Doug: ...56 bottles of beer- in the boat. 56 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 55 bottles of beer- in the boat.
[after a long argument between Doug and Carrie while they are still canoeing]
Doug: Just stop complaining and sing with me! It's fun! (singing same song detailed above, only louder and in a angrier voice) 55 bottles of beer- in the boat! 55 bottles of beer-
Carrie: Owls don't bite! They wear glasses! They're the nerds of the forest!
[Doug is lost in the woods, but assures himself he will make it out alive. Yells this after jogging to the top of a hill]
Doug: I will survive!!! I CHOOSE LIFE!!
Doug: ...56 bottles of beer- in the boat. 56 bottles of beer. You take one down, pass it around, 55 bottles of beer- in the boat.
[after a long argument between Doug and Carrie while they are still canoeing]
Doug: Just stop complaining and sing with me! It's fun! (singing same song detailed above, only louder and in a angrier voice) 55 bottles of beer- in the boat! 55 bottles of beer-
Carrie: Owls don't bite! They wear glasses! They're the nerds of the forest!
[Doug is lost in the woods, but assures himself he will make it out alive. Yells this after jogging to the top of a hill]
Doug: I will survive!!! I CHOOSE LIFE!!
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Carrie: [After abusing Arthur on phone] Oh my God, what if they are the last words I ever say to him?
Doug: Then I guess you're off the hook.
Doug: Then I guess you're off the hook.
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Carrie: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?
Doug: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?
Doug: Oh, you mean like every famous fat guy in every movie ever?
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Ray Barone: What you got going on here? Log of salami, chips and cheese. I guess you're not buying in to this whole cholesterol thing, huh?
Doug: I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.
Doug: I buy in to it, I just wanna see how high I can get the numbers.
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Builder: Is that a mirror in your pocket...or are you just fat?
Doug: What the hell?
Doug: What the hell?
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[after Carrie goes temporarily blind]
Doug: You know what, let me help you.
Arthur: Don't help her!
Doug: SHUT OFF!!!
Doug: You know what, let me help you.
Arthur: Don't help her!
Doug: SHUT OFF!!!
TV Show: King of Queens
Carrie: What movie do you want to see?
Kelly Palmer: Something brainless. What's that thriller where the Earth starts to lose its gravitational pull?
Carrie: Oh, yeah..."Floaters".
Kelly Palmer: Something brainless. What's that thriller where the Earth starts to lose its gravitational pull?
Carrie: Oh, yeah..."Floaters".
TV Show: King of Queens
Arthur: Darling, I need to borrow the iron.
Carrie: Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.
Carrie: Dad, I told you. If you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one.
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Carrie: I can't believe we had sex while you were driving
Doug: I know. It was hot though!
Doug: I know. It was hot though!
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Doug: Do you think I'm a big sack of crap?
Carrie: Have you been reading my diary?
Carrie: Have you been reading my diary?
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Arthur: What do we have here?
Carrie: We're going to Saint Croix.
Arthur: We are? Oh, goody. I'm so happy.
Doug: Well, I hope you're happy for us, because it's just Carrie and me.
Arthur: I see. Once again I humiliate myself by assuming that I'm a member of this family.
Carrie: We're going to Saint Croix.
Arthur: We are? Oh, goody. I'm so happy.
Doug: Well, I hope you're happy for us, because it's just Carrie and me.
Arthur: I see. Once again I humiliate myself by assuming that I'm a member of this family.
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Joe Heffernan: You're out of your mind!
Arthur: I've never been more in my mind!
Arthur: I've never been more in my mind!
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Arthur: You gotta hand it to those Japanese, though, clever people. Still a mystery to me how we ever got them to surrender in the Second World War.
Carrie: Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.
Arthur: True enough. Mystery solved.
Carrie: Well, we did annihilate two of their cities.
Arthur: True enough. Mystery solved.
TV Show: King of Queens
Carrie: Is this how you take a bath?
Spence Olchin: Yes.
Carrie: You look like Ernie from Sesame Street.
Spence: What did I do to you?
Spence Olchin: Yes.
Carrie: You look like Ernie from Sesame Street.
Spence: What did I do to you?
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Deacon Palmer: Douglas S. Heffernan... what's your middle name?
Doug: Steven. And yours?
Deacon: John.
Doug: Steven. And yours?
Deacon: John.
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Danny Heffernan: So what are we doing? Where's my truck? What about my route?
Doug: You know what, your first delivery is to Shut-it-Up Industries.
Doug: You know what, your first delivery is to Shut-it-Up Industries.
TV Show: King of Queens