Life of Brian Quotes
Brian: [Brian is in a prison cell with Ben who is hanging from chains] Oh lay off, I've had a hard time!
Ben the Prisoner: You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.
Ben the Prisoner: You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
Ex-Leper: Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.
Ex-Leper: Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.
Movie: Life of Brian
Pontius Pilate: [Pilate is going to release a prisoner to the crowd] People of Jewusalum, [Evrybody laughs at his speech impairment]
Pontius Pilate: Wome... is your fwiend! [They laugh more]
Pontius Pilate: To pwove our fwiendship, we will welease one of our wong-doers! Who shall I welease?
Man in crowd: Welease Woger! [Everybody laughs, and begin to chant, Welease Woger]
Pontius Pilate: Vewy well, I shall... Welease... Woger! [Everybody laughs]
Centurion: Uh, we haven't got a Woger, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Oh, okay. We have no Woger'! [They all laugh]
Man in crowd: Well what about Wodewick then? [They laugh and chant Welease Wodewick!]
Pontius Pilate: Vewy well! I shall welease... Wodewick! [the crowd laughs some more]
Centurion: Sir, there's no Wodewick.
Pontius Pilate: Who is this Wodewick you speak of?
Man in crowd: He's a wobber! [they laugh]
Man in crowd: And a wapist! [more laughter]
Girl In Crowd: And a pick-pocket! [Everybody shakes their heads at her and say no]
Pontius Pilate: He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
Pontius Pilate: Wome... is your fwiend! [They laugh more]
Pontius Pilate: To pwove our fwiendship, we will welease one of our wong-doers! Who shall I welease?
Man in crowd: Welease Woger! [Everybody laughs, and begin to chant, Welease Woger]
Pontius Pilate: Vewy well, I shall... Welease... Woger! [Everybody laughs]
Centurion: Uh, we haven't got a Woger, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Oh, okay. We have no Woger'! [They all laugh]
Man in crowd: Well what about Wodewick then? [They laugh and chant Welease Wodewick!]
Pontius Pilate: Vewy well! I shall welease... Wodewick! [the crowd laughs some more]
Centurion: Sir, there's no Wodewick.
Pontius Pilate: Who is this Wodewick you speak of?
Man in crowd: He's a wobber! [they laugh]
Man in crowd: And a wapist! [more laughter]
Girl In Crowd: And a pick-pocket! [Everybody shakes their heads at her and say no]
Pontius Pilate: He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
Movie: Life of Brian
Reg: [arriving at Brian's crucifixion] Hello, Sibling Brian.
Brian: Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg: Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
Brian: What?
Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
Brian: Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg: Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
Brian: What?
Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
Movie: Life of Brian
Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack! [they all stab themselves]
Suicide Squad Leader: That showed 'em, huh?
Suicide Squad Leader: That showed 'em, huh?
Movie: Life of Brian
[Brian is explaining why there's a crowd outside their house]
Brian: They must have just popped by!
Brian's mother: Popped by? SWARMED by is more like it! There's a multitude out there!
Brian: They must have just popped by!
Brian's mother: Popped by? SWARMED by is more like it! There's a multitude out there!
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian : Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg : Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea
Reg : Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea
Movie: Life of Brian
Reg : All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee : Brought peace?
Reg : Oh, peace - shut up!
Reg : There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter : Uh, well, one.
Reg : Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.
Attendee : Brought peace?
Reg : Oh, peace - shut up!
Reg : There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter : Uh, well, one.
Reg : Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian : Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Brian?s mother : Stop thinking about sex!
Brian : I wasn't!
Brian?s mother : You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? "
Brian?s mother : Stop thinking about sex!
Brian : I wasn't!
Brian?s mother : You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? "
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian : I am NOT the Messiah!
Arthur : I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.
Arthur : I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.
Movie: Life of Brian
Reg : If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.
Brian : I do!
Reg : Oh yeah, how much?
Brian : A lot!
Reg : Right, you're in.
Brian : I do!
Reg : Oh yeah, how much?
Brian : A lot!
Reg : Right, you're in.
Movie: Life of Brian
[ a line of prisoners files past a jailer ]
Coordinator : Crucifixion?
Prisoner : Yes.
Coordinator : Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. [ Next prisoner ]
Coordinator : Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky : Er, no, freedom actually.
Coordinator : What?
Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Coordinator : Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Coordinator : [ laughing ] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky : Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Coordinator : Crucifixion?
Prisoner : Yes.
Coordinator : Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each. [ Next prisoner ]
Coordinator : Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky : Er, no, freedom actually.
Coordinator : What?
Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Coordinator : Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Coordinator : [ laughing ] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky : Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Movie: Life of Brian
Wise Man #1 : We were led by a star.
Brian's mother : Led by a bottle, more like.
Brian's mother : Led by a bottle, more like.
Movie: Life of Brian
Suicide Squad Leader : We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack! [ they all stab themselves ]
Suicide Squad Leader : That showed 'em, huh?
Suicide Squad Leader : That showed 'em, huh?
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian : I'm not a roman mum, I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian : I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl : Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian : What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers : He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian : Now, fuck off! [ silence ]
Arthur : How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
Girl : Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian : What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers : He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian : Now, fuck off! [ silence ]
Arthur : How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
Movie: Life of Brian
Ex-Leper : Half a dinare for me bloody life story?
Brian : There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-Leper : That's just what Jesus said, sir.
Brian : There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-Leper : That's just what Jesus said, sir.
Movie: Life of Brian
Ex-Leper : Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
Brian : Did you say "ex-leper"?
Ex-Leper : That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.
Brian : Well, what happened?
Ex-Leper : Oh, cured, sir.
Brian : Cured?
Ex-Leper : Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!
Brian : Who cured you?
Ex-Leper : Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.
Brian : Did you say "ex-leper"?
Ex-Leper : That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.
Brian : Well, what happened?
Ex-Leper : Oh, cured, sir.
Brian : Cured?
Ex-Leper : Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!
Brian : Who cured you?
Ex-Leper : Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian : Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
Ex-Leper : Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.
Ex-Leper : Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian : Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say.
The Crowd : Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian : Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!
The Crowd : Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian : You're all different!
The Crowd : Yes, we ARE all different!
Man in crowd : I'm not...
The Crowd : Sch!
The Crowd : Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian : Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!
The Crowd : Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian : You're all different!
The Crowd : Yes, we ARE all different!
Man in crowd : I'm not...
The Crowd : Sch!
Movie: Life of Brian
Reg : [ arriving at Brian's crucifixion ] Hello, Sibling Brian.
Brian : Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg : Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
Brian : What?
Reg : "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
Brian : Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg : Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
Brian : What?
Reg : "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
Movie: Life of Brian
Matthias : Look, I don't think it should be a sin, just for saying "Jehovah". [ Everyone gasps ]
Jewish Official : You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias : Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official : I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners : She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Jewish Official : Was it you?
Stoner : Yes.
Jewish Official : Right...
Stoner : Well you did say "Jehovah. " [ Crowd throws rocks at the stoner ]
Jewish Official : STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Jehovah. " [ Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death ]
Jewish Official : You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias : Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official : I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners : She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Jewish Official : Was it you?
Stoner : Yes.
Jewish Official : Right...
Stoner : Well you did say "Jehovah. " [ Crowd throws rocks at the stoner ]
Jewish Official : STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Jehovah. " [ Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death ]
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian : You have to be different!
The Crowd : Yes, we are all different!
Small lonely voice : I'm not!
The Crowd : Yes, we are all different!
Small lonely voice : I'm not!
Movie: Life of Brian
Brian?s mother : What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2 : Capricorn.
Brian?s mother : Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2 : He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1 : King of the Jews.
Brian?s mother : And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #3 : No, no, that's just him.
Brian?s mother : Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Wise Man #2 : Capricorn.
Brian?s mother : Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2 : He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1 : King of the Jews.
Brian?s mother : And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #3 : No, no, that's just him.
Brian?s mother : Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Movie: Life of Brian
Judith : [ on Stan's desire to be a mother ] Here! I've got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb - which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans' - but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
Francis : Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother... sister, sorry.
Reg : What's the *point*?
Francis : What?
Reg : What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?
Francis : It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg : It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.
Francis : Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother... sister, sorry.
Reg : What's the *point*?
Francis : What?
Reg : What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?
Francis : It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg : It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.
Movie: Life of Brian
Centurion : You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?
Matthias : No.
Centurion : Crucifixion!
Matthias : Oh.
Centurion : Nasty, eh?
Matthias : Could be worse.
Centurion : What you mean "Could be worse"?
Matthias : Well, you could be stabbed.
Centurion : Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.
Matthias : Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurion : You're weird!
Matthias : No.
Centurion : Crucifixion!
Matthias : Oh.
Centurion : Nasty, eh?
Matthias : Could be worse.
Centurion : What you mean "Could be worse"?
Matthias : Well, you could be stabbed.
Centurion : Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.
Matthias : Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurion : You're weird!
Movie: Life of Brian
Spectator I : I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers".
Mrs. Gregory : Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory : Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
Mrs. Gregory : Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory : Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
Movie: Life of Brian
[ Brian is writing graffiti on the palace wall. The Centurion catches him in the act ]
Centurion : What's this, then? "Romanes eunt domus"? People called Romanes, they go, the house?
Brian : It says, "Romans go home. "
Centurion : No it doesn't ! What's the latin for "Roman"? Come on, come on !
Brian : Er, "Romanus" !
Centurion : Vocative plural of "Romanus" is?
Brian : Er, er, "Romani" !
Centurion : [ Writes "Romani" over Brian's graffiti ] "Eunt"? What is "eunt"? Conjugate the verb, "to go" !
Brian : Er, "Ire". Er, "eo", "is", "it", "imus", "itis", "eunt".
Centurion : So, "eunt" is...?
Brian : Third person plural present indicative, "they go".
Centurion : But, "Romans, go home" is an order. So you must use...? [ He twists Brian's ear ]
Brian : Aaagh ! The imperative !
Centurion : Which is...?
Brian : Aaaagh ! Er, er, "i" !
Centurion : How many Romans?
Brian : Aaaaagh ! Plural, plural, er, "ite" !
Centurion : [ Writes "ite" ] "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home" is motion towards, isn't it?
Brian : Dative ! [ the Centurion holds a sword to his throat ]
Brian : Aaagh ! Not the dative, not the dative ! Er, er, accusative, "Domum" !
Centurion : But "Domus" takes the locative, which is...?
Brian : Er, "Domum" !
Centurion : [ Writes "Domum" ] Understand? Now, write it out a hundred times.
Brian : Yes sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
Centurion : Hail Caesar ! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Centurion : What's this, then? "Romanes eunt domus"? People called Romanes, they go, the house?
Brian : It says, "Romans go home. "
Centurion : No it doesn't ! What's the latin for "Roman"? Come on, come on !
Brian : Er, "Romanus" !
Centurion : Vocative plural of "Romanus" is?
Brian : Er, er, "Romani" !
Centurion : [ Writes "Romani" over Brian's graffiti ] "Eunt"? What is "eunt"? Conjugate the verb, "to go" !
Brian : Er, "Ire". Er, "eo", "is", "it", "imus", "itis", "eunt".
Centurion : So, "eunt" is...?
Brian : Third person plural present indicative, "they go".
Centurion : But, "Romans, go home" is an order. So you must use...? [ He twists Brian's ear ]
Brian : Aaagh ! The imperative !
Centurion : Which is...?
Brian : Aaaagh ! Er, er, "i" !
Centurion : How many Romans?
Brian : Aaaaagh ! Plural, plural, er, "ite" !
Centurion : [ Writes "ite" ] "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home" is motion towards, isn't it?
Brian : Dative ! [ the Centurion holds a sword to his throat ]
Brian : Aaagh ! Not the dative, not the dative ! Er, er, accusative, "Domum" !
Centurion : But "Domus" takes the locative, which is...?
Brian : Er, "Domum" !
Centurion : [ Writes "Domum" ] Understand? Now, write it out a hundred times.
Brian : Yes sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
Centurion : Hail Caesar ! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Movie: Life of Brian