Little Britain Quotes
George Michael: Hello, Andy. [pause]
George Michael: Nice to meet you [pause]
George Michael: . Happy birthday.
Andy: I don't like him. I want him to go. I prefer Tony Hadley.
Lou: Sorry about this, George. You'd better go.
Andy: Tell him that Jesus to a Child aside, I find his output emotionally vapid.
George Michael: Nice to meet you [pause]
George Michael: . Happy birthday.
Andy: I don't like him. I want him to go. I prefer Tony Hadley.
Lou: Sorry about this, George. You'd better go.
Andy: Tell him that Jesus to a Child aside, I find his output emotionally vapid.
Movie: Little Britain
Mike: Hey, you open for afternoon tea?
Scottish Guy: Maybe I am and maybe I'm not [plays tune on flute]
Mike: Oh, OK. [starts to walk out]
Scottish Guy: No, no, I am, I am, please, sit down. [shows them to a table]
Mother: Wow, isn't this an adorable place, Kimberly?
Kimberly: It smells funny in here!
Scottish Guy: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley. [puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley]
Scottish Guy: Here I am with the cake trolley.
Mother: Mm, those look good, don't they honey?
Kimberly: I want the chocolate cake.
Mother: OK, OK, honey [to Scottish guy]
Mother: Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if the chocolate cake contains nuts?
Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
Kimberly: What, yes, you know, or yes, there are nuts?
Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
Mike: Well, which?
Scottish Guy: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? [listens]
Scottish Guy: The carrot cake contains? no nuts.
Scottish Guy: [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? [listens]
Scottish Guy: The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts [plays flute]
Scottish Guy: No nuts.
Scottish Guy: [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? [listens]
Scottish Guy: [to Mike] He
Scottish Guy: Maybe I am and maybe I'm not [plays tune on flute]
Mike: Oh, OK. [starts to walk out]
Scottish Guy: No, no, I am, I am, please, sit down. [shows them to a table]
Mother: Wow, isn't this an adorable place, Kimberly?
Kimberly: It smells funny in here!
Scottish Guy: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley. [puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley]
Scottish Guy: Here I am with the cake trolley.
Mother: Mm, those look good, don't they honey?
Kimberly: I want the chocolate cake.
Mother: OK, OK, honey [to Scottish guy]
Mother: Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if the chocolate cake contains nuts?
Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
Kimberly: What, yes, you know, or yes, there are nuts?
Scottish Guy: Yeeeeees.
Mike: Well, which?
Scottish Guy: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? [listens]
Scottish Guy: The carrot cake contains? no nuts.
Scottish Guy: [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? [listens]
Scottish Guy: The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts [plays flute]
Scottish Guy: No nuts.
Scottish Guy: [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? [listens]
Scottish Guy: [to Mike] He
Movie: Little Britain
Narrator: Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules - no bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties.
Movie: Little Britain
Narrator: When people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop. If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop. If they want to buy a pet shop shop, well, they're just being silly.
Movie: Little Britain
Teacher: [Vicky has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind] Vicky aren't you going to take your baby?
Vicky Pollard: No don't worry I've got loads at home.
Vicky Pollard: No don't worry I've got loads at home.
Movie: Little Britain
Marjorie Dawes: So what advice can we give to Fatty Halliday about losing some of his excess weight? Paul?
Paul: Eat sensibly.
Marjorie: Oh that's rich coming from you. Anyone else?
Pat: Don't eat too much chocolate.
Marjorie: What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate? All the other kids hate him. Chocolate's the only friend he's got. Meera?
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: No I can't... what?
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: What? Do it again...
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: No I can't understand... do it again.
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: One more?
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: No, I'll tell you what you should be doing, Chris, and that's getting some kind of exercise! I do six step aerobics every month, and thats' why I'm so thin.
Paul: Eat sensibly.
Marjorie: Oh that's rich coming from you. Anyone else?
Pat: Don't eat too much chocolate.
Marjorie: What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate? All the other kids hate him. Chocolate's the only friend he's got. Meera?
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: No I can't... what?
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: What? Do it again...
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: No I can't understand... do it again.
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: One more?
Meera: Exercise.
Marjorie: No, I'll tell you what you should be doing, Chris, and that's getting some kind of exercise! I do six step aerobics every month, and thats' why I'm so thin.
TV Show: Little Britain
Marjorie Dawes: Meera?
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie: Sorry, do it again...
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie: She doesn't make sense... do it again.
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie Dawes: Do it again.
Meera: Oh forget it.
Marjorie Dawes: Well it must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here.
[Marjorie writes down 'CURRY' on the whiteboard]
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie: Sorry, do it again...
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie: She doesn't make sense... do it again.
Meera: Fish and chips.
Marjorie Dawes: Do it again.
Meera: Oh forget it.
Marjorie Dawes: Well it must be some sort of dish that we don't get over here.
[Marjorie writes down 'CURRY' on the whiteboard]
TV Show: Little Britain
Marjorie Dawes: Lettuce, Lettuce, High in fat, Low in fat, lettuce, Meera!
Meera: Low in fat.
Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again!
Meera: Low in fat.
Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again!
Meera: Low in fat.
Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again.
Paul: She said Low in fat!
Marjorie Dawes: Alright! Don't patronize her! *patronizes Meera* Low in fat, well done!
Meera: Low in fat.
Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again!
Meera: Low in fat.
Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again!
Meera: Low in fat.
Marjorie Dawes: No I can't do it again.
Paul: She said Low in fat!
Marjorie Dawes: Alright! Don't patronize her! *patronizes Meera* Low in fat, well done!
TV Show: Little Britain
Marjorie Dawes: So what advice can we give to Barbara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul.
Paul: [sighs] Cut out biscuits.
Marjorie Dawes: Cut out biscuits. Good. Anyone else? Mary?
Meera: Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
Marjorie Dawes: Something about sugar. But really I think the most useful advice we can all give you is to look at the person inside. Because you're obviously an incredibly unhappy person.
Barbara: No, I'm not!
Marjorie Dawes: Well you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you anymore, but that's not for here. But as far as she's concerned if you got knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!
Barbara: Mum does speak to me! I spoke to her yesterday!
Paul: [sighs] Cut out biscuits.
Marjorie Dawes: Cut out biscuits. Good. Anyone else? Mary?
Meera: Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.
Marjorie Dawes: Something about sugar. But really I think the most useful advice we can all give you is to look at the person inside. Because you're obviously an incredibly unhappy person.
Barbara: No, I'm not!
Marjorie Dawes: Well you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you anymore, but that's not for here. But as far as she's concerned if you got knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!
Barbara: Mum does speak to me! I spoke to her yesterday!
TV Show: Little Britain
Dad: Hi, you - open for afternoon tea?
Ray McCooney: Ooh. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not
[He plays the flute.]
Dad: Oh, OK.
[He starts to walk out.]
Ray McCooney: N-no, I am. Please. Sit down. Sit down.
[He shows them to a table]
Mum: Oh, what an adorable little place.
Kimberley: It smells funny in here.
Mum: [whispers] Kimberley!
Ray: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
[He puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley.]
Ray: Here I am with the cake trolley.
Mum: Ooh, those look great, don't they, Kimberley?
Kimberley: I want the chocolate cake.
Mum: OK, honey. [to Ray] Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if there are any nuts in it?
Ray: Yeeeeees.
Mum: What do you mean? Yes, there are nuts or yes you know?
Ray: Yeeeeees.
Dad: Well which?
Ray: If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie, but if you call me false then I'll also tell ye a lie.
[He plays the flute]
Dad: OK, so does the cake contain nuts?
Ray: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The carrot cake contains... no nuts. [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts. [He plays the flute] No nuts. [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.
Dad: [takes the cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?
Ray McCooney: Ooh. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not
[He plays the flute.]
Dad: Oh, OK.
[He starts to walk out.]
Ray McCooney: N-no, I am. Please. Sit down. Sit down.
[He shows them to a table]
Mum: Oh, what an adorable little place.
Kimberley: It smells funny in here.
Mum: [whispers] Kimberley!
Ray: I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
[He puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley.]
Ray: Here I am with the cake trolley.
Mum: Ooh, those look great, don't they, Kimberley?
Kimberley: I want the chocolate cake.
Mum: OK, honey. [to Ray] Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if there are any nuts in it?
Ray: Yeeeeees.
Mum: What do you mean? Yes, there are nuts or yes you know?
Ray: Yeeeeees.
Dad: Well which?
Ray: If I tell ye the truth, I'll tell ye a lie, but if you call me false then I'll also tell ye a lie.
[He plays the flute]
Dad: OK, so does the cake contain nuts?
Ray: [picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The carrot cake contains... no nuts. [picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts. [He plays the flute] No nuts. [picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? [He listens] [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.
Dad: [takes the cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?
TV Show: Little Britain
Robot career counsellor: What do you have in mind?
Boy: Well, really ever since I was small I've always wanted to go into catering.
Robot: In the future there will no jobs for humans in the catering industry. Only robots.
Boy: Oh, does that include catering in hotels?
Robot: Er, yes.
Boy: Well the other thing I was thinking of was engineering. You see...
Robot: There will be no jobs for humans. We will inherit the earth.
Boy: Oh dear.
[It prints out a brochure.]
Robot career counsellor: This booklet will explain everything. Go now.
Boy: Thank you, sir.
Robot: Tuck your shirt in. I am a robot.
Boy: Yeah.
Boy: Well, really ever since I was small I've always wanted to go into catering.
Robot: In the future there will no jobs for humans in the catering industry. Only robots.
Boy: Oh, does that include catering in hotels?
Robot: Er, yes.
Boy: Well the other thing I was thinking of was engineering. You see...
Robot: There will be no jobs for humans. We will inherit the earth.
Boy: Oh dear.
[It prints out a brochure.]
Robot career counsellor: This booklet will explain everything. Go now.
Boy: Thank you, sir.
Robot: Tuck your shirt in. I am a robot.
Boy: Yeah.
TV Show: Little Britain
Vicky: Yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no because I've never had sex apart from that one time eight months ago but apart from that I'm a complete virgin.
TV Show: Little Britain
[Andy has chosen a card that says 'With Deepest Sympathy'.]
Lou: Are you sure this is the card you want to send your brother Declan for his birthday?
Andy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[After they have bought the card.]
Andy: It's his birthday. He's not dead.
Lou: Are you sure this is the card you want to send your brother Declan for his birthday?
Andy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[After they have bought the card.]
Andy: It's his birthday. He's not dead.
TV Show: Little Britain
Social Worker: Vicky, where is the baby?
Vicky: Swapped it for a Westlife CD.
Social Worker: How could you do such a thing?
Vicky Pollard: I know, they're rubbish.
Vicky: Swapped it for a Westlife CD.
Social Worker: How could you do such a thing?
Vicky Pollard: I know, they're rubbish.
TV Show: Little Britain
[ Daffyd has just discovered that Myfanwy is a lesbian, and is about to go on a date]
Daffyd: Rhiannon, Rhiannon? And how far have you gone with this 'Rhiannon'?
Myfanwy: Just a bit of fanny fun.
Daffyd: Can I have a large brandy please, Miss Fitzwilliams?
Myfanwy: Look, Daffyd, I got to go. Only Rhiannon's minge is going to get cold.
Daffyd: Rhiannon, Rhiannon? And how far have you gone with this 'Rhiannon'?
Myfanwy: Just a bit of fanny fun.
Daffyd: Can I have a large brandy please, Miss Fitzwilliams?
Myfanwy: Look, Daffyd, I got to go. Only Rhiannon's minge is going to get cold.
TV Show: Little Britain
[Vicky has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind.]
Mr Collier: Your baby?
Vicky: Huh? Oh it's all right, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home anyway.
Mr Collier: Your baby?
Vicky: Huh? Oh it's all right, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home anyway.
TV Show: Little Britain
Ray McCooney is being faced by two taxmen, who are having trouble getting him to pay his debts]
Taxman: Tell you what, Mr. McCooney. Why don't you pick up your quill?
Ray: [picks up a pen] Ye-e-s.
Taxman: And your magic money paper.
Ray: [picks up cheque book] Oh Ye-e-s.
Taxman: [winking at taxwoman] Put your mark upon it. [Ray McCooney signs the cheque] And we'll do the rest.
Ray: [handing them the blank cheque] Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Taxman: Good day.
[The taxmen leave.]
Ray: A-fare-thee-well keepers of the purse! [Starts to play his picalillo but suddenly realises what he has just done] Shit!
Taxman: Tell you what, Mr. McCooney. Why don't you pick up your quill?
Ray: [picks up a pen] Ye-e-s.
Taxman: And your magic money paper.
Ray: [picks up cheque book] Oh Ye-e-s.
Taxman: [winking at taxwoman] Put your mark upon it. [Ray McCooney signs the cheque] And we'll do the rest.
Ray: [handing them the blank cheque] Yes, yes, yes, yes!
Taxman: Good day.
[The taxmen leave.]
Ray: A-fare-thee-well keepers of the purse! [Starts to play his picalillo but suddenly realises what he has just done] Shit!
TV Show: Little Britain
Mrs. Mead: [cleaning a candlestick holder] Holy Mary, Mother of God, look at that! This candlestick holder is filthy, looks like it's never been cleaned at all!
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Mrs. Mead: So you've been in that wheelchair for many years, have you?
Andy: [mock-sadness] Yeah.
Mrs. Mead: Oh well, Lord works in mysterious ways. [stops] And you've got no feeling in your legs whatsoever?
Andy: [surprised] No.
Mrs. Mead: So you can't feel this? [taps his leg with the candlestick holder]
Andy: No.
Mrs. Mead: What about this? [taps harder]
Andy: No.
Mrs. Mead: And not even this? [really whacks his leg]
Andy: [in pain] No.
Mrs. Mead: Poor thing. Right... [pushes herself up using his leg and going into the kitchen] We need some more brass rub.
Andy: [howling] Ow, ow, OOOOWWWWW!!!!
Andy: Yeah, I know.
Mrs. Mead: So you've been in that wheelchair for many years, have you?
Andy: [mock-sadness] Yeah.
Mrs. Mead: Oh well, Lord works in mysterious ways. [stops] And you've got no feeling in your legs whatsoever?
Andy: [surprised] No.
Mrs. Mead: So you can't feel this? [taps his leg with the candlestick holder]
Andy: No.
Mrs. Mead: What about this? [taps harder]
Andy: No.
Mrs. Mead: And not even this? [really whacks his leg]
Andy: [in pain] No.
Mrs. Mead: Poor thing. Right... [pushes herself up using his leg and going into the kitchen] We need some more brass rub.
Andy: [howling] Ow, ow, OOOOWWWWW!!!!
TV Show: Little Britain
Andy: I want to go see the Ewoks.
Lou: Oh no you don't get Ewoks in a Zoo Andy.
Andy: Yeah I know.
Lou: (Sees a lion) Now do you know what kind of animal that is.
(long pause)
Andy: Monkey?
Lou: No it's not a monkey it's a lion.
Andy: Yeah I know.
Lou: Now that's a male lion, do you know what female lions are called.
(long pause)
Andy: Mrs lion?
Lou: No it's a lioness. Now what do you think lions eat.
(long pause)
Andy: Food?
Lou: (sarcastically) That's right well done. Yeah they do eat food. (Shows Andy the information booklet) The lion enjoys a diet that includes wildebeest, zebras and buffalo.
Andy: Yeah I know. I want to go and stroke it!
Lou: Oh no, no, no you're not allowed to stroke the lion.
Andy: Yeah you are!
Lou: (seriously) No you're not! That would be exceedingly dangerous. Now you wait here, I'll go get you an ice cream okay.
'[Lou approaches an ice cream vendor and orders. While making small talk, Andy climbs over the fence, and there is a roar. Lou returns to discover Andy's arm has been bitten off]
Lou: [aghast] What the!?
Andy: Hmm? [looks at his arm] Oh, yeah, have you got a band-aid?
Lou: Oh no you don't get Ewoks in a Zoo Andy.
Andy: Yeah I know.
Lou: (Sees a lion) Now do you know what kind of animal that is.
(long pause)
Andy: Monkey?
Lou: No it's not a monkey it's a lion.
Andy: Yeah I know.
Lou: Now that's a male lion, do you know what female lions are called.
(long pause)
Andy: Mrs lion?
Lou: No it's a lioness. Now what do you think lions eat.
(long pause)
Andy: Food?
Lou: (sarcastically) That's right well done. Yeah they do eat food. (Shows Andy the information booklet) The lion enjoys a diet that includes wildebeest, zebras and buffalo.
Andy: Yeah I know. I want to go and stroke it!
Lou: Oh no, no, no you're not allowed to stroke the lion.
Andy: Yeah you are!
Lou: (seriously) No you're not! That would be exceedingly dangerous. Now you wait here, I'll go get you an ice cream okay.
'[Lou approaches an ice cream vendor and orders. While making small talk, Andy climbs over the fence, and there is a roar. Lou returns to discover Andy's arm has been bitten off]
Lou: [aghast] What the!?
Andy: Hmm? [looks at his arm] Oh, yeah, have you got a band-aid?
TV Show: Little Britain
'[Eddie "Emily" Howard has been arrested and is being questioned by a police officer]
Officer: [filling in form] Okay, name?
Emily: Emily Howard!
[Officer looks up at him]
Emily: [Normal voice] Eddie Howard.
Officer: Sex?
Eddie: [feminine] We've only just met!
Officer: Gender.
Eddie: [desperate] How utterly absurd, I'm a lady, I do ladies' things!
[Officer gives him an imploring look]
Eddie: [reluctantly] Male.
Officer: Marital status?
Eddie: [feminine] Many proposals from eligible gentlemen, but I don't have a ring on my finger just yet!
[He chuckles. Officer looks at him imploringly again]
Eddie: Wife and three kids.
Officer: [exasperated from interview] Okay, you're allowed one phone call. [gets up and leaves]
[Eddie picks up the phone and dials a number]
Eddie: [normal voice] Hello, Tommy? It's daddy. Is mummy there? No? Well, can you tell mummy "daddy's been arrested, he's in a police station, and he's wearing a dress, but there's nothing to worry about." Okay, bye. [puts phone down and mouths the word "fuck" in dismay]
Officer: [filling in form] Okay, name?
Emily: Emily Howard!
[Officer looks up at him]
Emily: [Normal voice] Eddie Howard.
Officer: Sex?
Eddie: [feminine] We've only just met!
Officer: Gender.
Eddie: [desperate] How utterly absurd, I'm a lady, I do ladies' things!
[Officer gives him an imploring look]
Eddie: [reluctantly] Male.
Officer: Marital status?
Eddie: [feminine] Many proposals from eligible gentlemen, but I don't have a ring on my finger just yet!
[He chuckles. Officer looks at him imploringly again]
Eddie: Wife and three kids.
Officer: [exasperated from interview] Okay, you're allowed one phone call. [gets up and leaves]
[Eddie picks up the phone and dials a number]
Eddie: [normal voice] Hello, Tommy? It's daddy. Is mummy there? No? Well, can you tell mummy "daddy's been arrested, he's in a police station, and he's wearing a dress, but there's nothing to worry about." Okay, bye. [puts phone down and mouths the word "fuck" in dismay]
TV Show: Little Britain
Mr. Mann: (about his painting of a displeased owl) I can't help but think this owl looks more disillusioned than displeased...
Roy: Get out or I will strangle you!
Roy: Get out or I will strangle you!
TV Show: Little Britain