M*A*S*H Quotes
(Klinger has just brought Charles a bottle of Napoleon brandy)
Charles: Ah...Napoleon. If you'd given more of this to Josephine...she might have stayed home nights.
Charles: Ah...Napoleon. If you'd given more of this to Josephine...she might have stayed home nights.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(Col. Potter walks into the Swamp)
Potter: Either of you seen Radar?
Hawkeye: Last I saw him he was in the Officer's Club having a touch of the grape.
BJ: Why? What's wrong?
Potter: Plenty. I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa. Radar's Uncle Ed passed away.
Hawkeye: Oy.
Potter: Yeah, oy.
Potter: Either of you seen Radar?
Hawkeye: Last I saw him he was in the Officer's Club having a touch of the grape.
BJ: Why? What's wrong?
Potter: Plenty. I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa. Radar's Uncle Ed passed away.
Hawkeye: Oy.
Potter: Yeah, oy.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: Listen, Radar, I guess you realize I'm kinda fond of you. Lord knows I've never met a soul I could depend on more, but above all that, you've been a damn good friend. Well, friend, it's time we said goodbye. Time you got on with your life. You've come as far as you can go here. You've earned your wings... now you've gotta fly.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
BJ: Well, if it isn't Benjamin Franklin Pierce Hawkeye, named for a president, an Indian, and a stove.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: So far you have performed your duties with the efficiency of a one-legged man at a BUTT-kicking contest!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Mulcahy: I had to give a girl the brush-off!
Hawkeye: (stunned): Would you mind repeating that? I think the sun was in my ears.
Hawkeye: (stunned): Would you mind repeating that? I think the sun was in my ears.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Mulcahy: You know, you'd make a fine priest.
Hawkeye: Ah, thanks Father, I don't think it would work out. Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.
Hawkeye: Ah, thanks Father, I don't think it would work out. Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles: On only one other occasion in my life did I even approach that level of inebriation.
Donna: When was that?
Charles: It was the night after I graduated from Harvard Medical School, I distinctly remember trying to swim the Charles River in cap and gown, reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.
Donna: Well of course. Did you get married then, too?
Charles: Nope. Got pneumonia!
Donna: When was that?
Charles: It was the night after I graduated from Harvard Medical School, I distinctly remember trying to swim the Charles River in cap and gown, reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.
Donna: Well of course. Did you get married then, too?
Charles: Nope. Got pneumonia!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
BJ: Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III, take this lovely if gullible young woman as your un-lawful, un-wedded un-wife?
Charles: I undo.
BJ: And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester the Third, take this pickled amnesiac as your un-lawful, un-wedded, un-hubby?
Donna Marie: I undo, too.
BJ: Now with the power invested in me by the state of intoxication, I pronounce you man and woman. You may now ignore the bride.
Charles: I undo.
BJ: And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester the Third, take this pickled amnesiac as your un-lawful, un-wedded, un-hubby?
Donna Marie: I undo, too.
BJ: Now with the power invested in me by the state of intoxication, I pronounce you man and woman. You may now ignore the bride.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Rizzo: Hey, Father, can I make a confession?
Mulcahy: Certainly, Sergeant.
Rizzo: I murdered somebody...tomorrow.
Klinger: C'mon, I'm trying to help!
Rizzo: You wanna help? Die on your own.
Mulcahy: Certainly, Sergeant.
Rizzo: I murdered somebody...tomorrow.
Klinger: C'mon, I'm trying to help!
Rizzo: You wanna help? Die on your own.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(Hawkeye, BJ and "Ralph" are walking back to the 4077th because BJ crashed their jeep. They encounter a Korean man trapped underneath a hay wagon.)
Hawkeye: Allow me to introduce ourselves. That's Ralph, I'm Pierce, and this is Hunnicutt; you probably know each other from driving school.
Hawkeye: Allow me to introduce ourselves. That's Ralph, I'm Pierce, and this is Hunnicutt; you probably know each other from driving school.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: We're 3 1/2 minutes over! Damn it!!
BJ: Maybe the hypothermia bought us some time.
Hawkeye: Yeah, on the other hand, maybe it didn't.
BJ: Hawk, we saved his life.
Hawkeye: Yeah, well I guess that's something.
BJ: It's more than something, it's everything.
BJ: Maybe the hypothermia bought us some time.
Hawkeye: Yeah, on the other hand, maybe it didn't.
BJ: Hawk, we saved his life.
Hawkeye: Yeah, well I guess that's something.
BJ: It's more than something, it's everything.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(The patient is wiggling his toes, proving he's not paralyzed. Hawkeye, BJ, and Margaret jump for joy. A blood-drained Charles rests nearby)
Margaret: WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!
BJ: We made a man who's part George and part Harold!
Charles: And part Winchester.
Hawkeye: That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous!
Margaret: WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!
BJ: We made a man who's part George and part Harold!
Charles: And part Winchester.
Hawkeye: That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger: Holy Toledo! Either that bird hit a landmine, or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
[Hawkeye and BJ ask Klinger who he thinks is the funniest guy in the camp.]
Klinger: It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties, and a snooty Major who pays me twenty bucks to follow him out in the woods and watch him blow up a pigeon with a landmine. And if that doesn't do it for ya, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell's so funny about that? [returns to writing his letter.] Ya see, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everybody here is crazy.
Klinger: It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties, and a snooty Major who pays me twenty bucks to follow him out in the woods and watch him blow up a pigeon with a landmine. And if that doesn't do it for ya, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell's so funny about that? [returns to writing his letter.] Ya see, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everybody here is crazy.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter (about a General): The man graduated 312th out of 320 and he says he's gonna do his best.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Mulcahy (after finally receiving his captain's bars): This experience has taught me a valuable lesson. The meek may inherit the earth but it's the grumpy who gets promoted!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret: I'm just as much a major as any other major. You'll notice these leaves come in gold, not pink for girls and blue for boys.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye (to Margaret): Maybe you and I are just too choosy. We're both looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles: I've talked to everyone in the camp - which, by the way, is a first for me - and no one saw or heard a thing. A fact confirmed by our ever-vigilant sentries and their seeing-eye dogs.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(after it is suggested that he fathered a baby in Korea)
B.J.: You're lucky we're doctors 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body.
B.J.: You're lucky we're doctors 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles: Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?
Klinger: She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)
Charles: Did I say something to offend him?
Klinger: She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)
Charles: Did I say something to offend him?
TV Show: M*A*S*H