M*A*S*H Quotes
Klinger: (afraid of catching mumps): If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids. Take that, you little homewreckers!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(looking at Potter's painting)
Charles: That is either a horse or the RCA building.
Potter: It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!
Charles: Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!
Charles: That is either a horse or the RCA building.
Potter: It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!
Charles: Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: It's a tragedy people have to eat horses, they're beautiful animals. You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly. We're doing them a favor by eating 'em . Saves 'em the agony of looking at their reflections in the trough every morning. But a horse, that's a noble beast. Why, in the cavalry, a man's steed was his best friend, a real companion. Where do people get off making pork chops out of them? Too much killing in this world, too much death. No respect for people, for tradition, for life. The whole world is spinning down the tubes and nobody even seems to notice. I don't know, I...(breaking off due to the looks of the others)
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(in the lab preparing tetanus shots for the Korean children)
Hawkeye: OK, ten shots, one every two hours.
Charles: Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.
BJ: Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?
Hawkeye: OK, ten shots, one every two hours.
Charles: Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.
BJ: Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: You two baboons spoiled a swell movie!
Hawkeye: No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.
Everyone: Yeah!
BJ: I've seen better film forming in my soup.
Potter: Yeah? Well I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's mine and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!
Hawkeye: We are, but don't you think we deserve a little decent entertainment?! God knows everything else around here stinks!
Hawkeye: No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.
Everyone: Yeah!
BJ: I've seen better film forming in my soup.
Potter: Yeah? Well I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's mine and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!
Hawkeye: We are, but don't you think we deserve a little decent entertainment?! God knows everything else around here stinks!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter (sarcastically): Evening Captains Heckle and Jekyll, I would have been here sooner but I stopped to watch the dancing in the streets.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(discussing a surprise birthday party for Hawkeye in the Swamp)
Charles: What about we do something civilized?
Klinger: Like what?
Charles: Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.
Margaret: This is for Pierce?
BJ: Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.
Klinger: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.
Charles: What about we do something civilized?
Klinger: Like what?
Charles: Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.
Margaret: This is for Pierce?
BJ: Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.
Klinger: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger: Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it. Imagine if you will the world's biggest salami.
Charles: We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.
Charles: We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: I think our job might be a little easier than yours, Sidney. At least we can always see where they're bleeding.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: Now why the devil would I scribble my John Hancock 47 times?
Klinger: Ah, you were sleepwalking sir. I didn't want to wake you. I thought it might be dangerous.
Potter: Probably would've been. Thanks for clearing that up for me Corporal. By the way...you put too much swoop on the T.
Klinger: Ah, you were sleepwalking sir. I didn't want to wake you. I thought it might be dangerous.
Potter: Probably would've been. Thanks for clearing that up for me Corporal. By the way...you put too much swoop on the T.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(Falling asleep, after Garvey has refused to send him any ambulances)
Potter: I'm too old for this. I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.
Potter: I'm too old for this. I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: Okey-dokey?
Charles: Colonel, I...
Potter: Say "okey-dokey," Major.
Charles: Okey...dokey.
Charles: Colonel, I...
Potter: Say "okey-dokey," Major.
Charles: Okey...dokey.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles (addressing three Korean doctors): Now, my diminutive voyeurs, this is the patient, without whom medicine would be just theory. This is the patient's chest; or in more scientific parlance, the front of the back. If there is no bellybutton in the immediate vicinity, you've committed a rather serious faux pas.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(Father Mulcahy comes into the company clerk's office wearing a dress)
Mulcahy: Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!
Potter: Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.
Mulcahy: Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this.... this.... housefrock!
Klinger: Better not take it off, Father. You'll be a defrocked priest!
Mulcahy: Klinger, how would you like the last rites? And a few lefts?
Mulcahy: Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!
Potter: Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.
Mulcahy: Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this.... this.... housefrock!
Klinger: Better not take it off, Father. You'll be a defrocked priest!
Mulcahy: Klinger, how would you like the last rites? And a few lefts?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Rizzo: The Army is a breeze, once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo secret of military success.
Klinger: What is it?
Rizzo: Never smile.
Klinger: Huh?
Rizzo: The Army hates to see a man grin. Makes them think they've failed somehow. But moan and groan and carry on, they'll leave you to your lonesome; long as they know you're miserable, they're happy.
Klinger: What is it?
Rizzo: Never smile.
Klinger: Huh?
Rizzo: The Army hates to see a man grin. Makes them think they've failed somehow. But moan and groan and carry on, they'll leave you to your lonesome; long as they know you're miserable, they're happy.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: That's bribery!
Charles: No! That is the American way. Survival of the richest!
Charles: No! That is the American way. Survival of the richest!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter (after Margaret tells Charles that Potter order her to play with him): Confucius say: "A bird on the collar beats your fifty dollar."
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye (passing out letters): Here's one in crayon, must be for Charles.
Charles: I have no need to write letters to communicate with children. I have you for that, Pierce.
Hawkeye: That is an insult and you'll answer for it at recess.
Charles: I have no need to write letters to communicate with children. I have you for that, Pierce.
Hawkeye: That is an insult and you'll answer for it at recess.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
BJ (reading from a letter): "Dear Doctors, You live a great life, I am jealous of you."
Charles: Je- He what?! Jealous.
BJ (still reading): "You guys get to camp out every night, eat real Army food, boy you're lucky."
Charles: I... just... Give me that! (takes the letter) Get to camp out, eh? (writing) "My dear diminutive correspondent, Your misinformation is exceeded only by your ahhh-trocious grammar.
BJ: Leave it to Charles to be the world's first poison pen pal.
Charles: Je- He what?! Jealous.
BJ (still reading): "You guys get to camp out every night, eat real Army food, boy you're lucky."
Charles: I... just... Give me that! (takes the letter) Get to camp out, eh? (writing) "My dear diminutive correspondent, Your misinformation is exceeded only by your ahhh-trocious grammar.
BJ: Leave it to Charles to be the world's first poison pen pal.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: You are great with scissors (talking to Bill the lawyer), you could be a doctor or a barber.
Margaret: This is so unprofessional, I really must object.
BJ: Objection overruled
Hawkeye: Relax Margaret. The lawyer is only here on a trial basis
BJ: Haven't you ever heard of anyone ever practicing medicine?
Hawkeye: And besides, the case is closed and the patient rests
BJ: OR is now adjourned (Hits an emesis basin with a hammer)
Margaret: This is so unprofessional, I really must object.
BJ: Objection overruled
Hawkeye: Relax Margaret. The lawyer is only here on a trial basis
BJ: Haven't you ever heard of anyone ever practicing medicine?
Hawkeye: And besides, the case is closed and the patient rests
BJ: OR is now adjourned (Hits an emesis basin with a hammer)
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger: Hey, how come you got the easy job while we had to bust our buns?
Charles: Very well, Klinger. How do you spell "caution"?
Klinger: C-A-W...
Charles: I rest my case. When I have this sign finished, I'll hang one on this door, then I have to walk all the way around and put one on the other door
Klinger: K-A-W...?
Hawkeye: Now you've got it.
Charles: Very well, Klinger. How do you spell "caution"?
Klinger: C-A-W...
Charles: I rest my case. When I have this sign finished, I'll hang one on this door, then I have to walk all the way around and put one on the other door
Klinger: K-A-W...?
Hawkeye: Now you've got it.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles: My good man, I have better things to do than stand around listening to someone make no sense in two languages.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
BJ: We can throw a surprise party in the mess tent. That's the last place anybody would expect to find food.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles: Carbon paper in the safe, what brilliant foresight. In only two million years, it will turn into diamonds.
Klinger: Facetious, but erroneous.
Klinger: Facetious, but erroneous.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Margaret, how many times do I have to tell you there are no communists under these beds.
BJ: Of course not, they're in the Lenin closet.
BJ: Of course not, they're in the Lenin closet.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger: Surely Madame knows of my sincere sincerity? To me the words Houlihan and hubba hubba have always been synonymous. You are a vision of great loveliness even dripping as you are.
Margaret: If there's a point to this, get to it.
Klinger: I've unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.
Margaret: Your paper what?
Klinger: Paper news. "M*A*S*H Notes." Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column: "About Faces."
Margaret: That's cute.
Margaret: If there's a point to this, get to it.
Klinger: I've unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.
Margaret: Your paper what?
Klinger: Paper news. "M*A*S*H Notes." Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column: "About Faces."
Margaret: That's cute.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Col. Potter: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how much Margaret means to us. We couldn't run this place without her.
Al Houlihan: Well, that gal is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Col. Potter: Is that so? Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
Al Houlihan: I beg your pardon?
Col. Potter: Margaret's busted her britches trying to please you, but you don't seem to give a tinker's damn!
Al Houlihan: Forgive me, Colonel, but what business is that of yours?
Col. Potter: It is my business because I care about her. That gal seems to think you have no use for her.
Al Houlihan: Well, I flew halfway around the world to see her, didn't I? That should say it all.
Col. Potter: It doesn't say enough when all you can do is find fault.
Al Houlihan: What do you mean by that?
Col. Potter: Well, for openers, walking out on her in the middle of O.R. didn't exactly boost her morale.
Al Houlihan: That had nothing to do with Margaret!
Col. Potter: Really? Then what did it have to do with? Was it the doctors' tomfoolery? Was it the blood? Let me tell you something, Alvin. I've seen tougher birds than you who couldn't take it!
Al Houlihan: It shouldn't be happening to me.
Col. Potter: You mean, you'd sooner let her think she was a failure than admit you were about to lose your lunch? You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us?
Al Houlihan: Colonel...
Col. Potter: You're so busy being 'Howitzer Al' Houlihan you can't even let your own daughter know you love her?
Al Houlihan: Colonel, you raise your family and I'll raise mine.
Al Houlihan: Well, that gal is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Col. Potter: Is that so? Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
Al Houlihan: I beg your pardon?
Col. Potter: Margaret's busted her britches trying to please you, but you don't seem to give a tinker's damn!
Al Houlihan: Forgive me, Colonel, but what business is that of yours?
Col. Potter: It is my business because I care about her. That gal seems to think you have no use for her.
Al Houlihan: Well, I flew halfway around the world to see her, didn't I? That should say it all.
Col. Potter: It doesn't say enough when all you can do is find fault.
Al Houlihan: What do you mean by that?
Col. Potter: Well, for openers, walking out on her in the middle of O.R. didn't exactly boost her morale.
Al Houlihan: That had nothing to do with Margaret!
Col. Potter: Really? Then what did it have to do with? Was it the doctors' tomfoolery? Was it the blood? Let me tell you something, Alvin. I've seen tougher birds than you who couldn't take it!
Al Houlihan: It shouldn't be happening to me.
Col. Potter: You mean, you'd sooner let her think she was a failure than admit you were about to lose your lunch? You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us?
Al Houlihan: Colonel...
Col. Potter: You're so busy being 'Howitzer Al' Houlihan you can't even let your own daughter know you love her?
Al Houlihan: Colonel, you raise your family and I'll raise mine.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles: (after a Korean foster father confesses to selling Charles' gifts on the black market to buy food for his children) No, it is I who should apologize. It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who has had no meal.
TV Show: M*A*S*H