M*A*S*H Quotes
Klinger: Well, as my Uncle Amos used to say, "Those who can't, manage those who can." One of his employees made that up for him.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye (writing a letter to President Truman): If you end this fiasco right now, I pledge to purchase all your daughter's inimitable records. Don't bother to deliver them. I'd love to pick them up on my way home.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(wounded soldiers are being brought into camp)
PA Announcer: Attention all personnel! Quit your dreaming, it's time for the nightmare!
PA Announcer: Attention all personnel! Quit your dreaming, it's time for the nightmare!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: Grandma Mavis has a saying for everything. No wonder Grandpa Wilmer stomped on his hearing aid.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Rizzo: Now you gentlemens are new to the Army, or in other words, dumb. When you leave here, you will know this jeep like it was a kissin' cousin, and you will know the rules of the road so good that when you're dead, you will still qualify for a license.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles (over the PA): Attention all vermin - that's giving you the benefit of the doubt - I have just discovered the untimely disappearance of my May 5 issue of The Boston Globe which has obviously been pilfered by some member of the pernicious race of lowlife which infests this pigmire. Furthermore, I consider no one in this camp above suspicion with the possible exception of that 80% of you who are incapable of reading the English language. Thus, I retract my previous magnanimous offer and none of you cretins will lay one slimy paw on any of my papers until the missing issue is returned! Thank you.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(to Charles as everyone leaves the mess tent after Charles enters)
Margaret: Help yourself to some breakfast before us lowlifes steal it all.
Mulcahy: Hell hath no fury like pernicious vermin scorned.
BJ: Charles, you just put a whole shoe store in your mouth.
Potter: Winchester, just a hunch: Will Rogers never met you, did he?
Margaret: Help yourself to some breakfast before us lowlifes steal it all.
Mulcahy: Hell hath no fury like pernicious vermin scorned.
BJ: Charles, you just put a whole shoe store in your mouth.
Potter: Winchester, just a hunch: Will Rogers never met you, did he?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger: Rosie, I need a favor.
Rosie: Five dollars.
Klinger: I just wanna talk.
Rosie: OK, three dollars.
Rosie: Five dollars.
Klinger: I just wanna talk.
Rosie: OK, three dollars.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles: Charles Emerson Winchester, defender of the downtrodden.
Hawkeye: You do all the trodding, that's how they got down.
Hawkeye: You do all the trodding, that's how they got down.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye (about Charles): He's the only American who landed in Inchon with traveler's checks.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Sergeant Pernelli: Last call for my mouthwatering turkey.
Charles: The bird that gave its life so that others might be ill.
Charles: The bird that gave its life so that others might be ill.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger (talking to a post): Colonel Potter, I'd like to help in triage, sir. I'm a little shaky, but while I have any strength at all, I'd like to pitch in. (referring to a dog) OK! let's get this patient into pre-op! Hubba-hubba! Orderly!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(BJ, Charles, and Hawkeye drinking in the Swamp)
Hawkeye: All right, what else do we love?
BJ: You love dirt?
Hawkeye: Dirt is my life.
BJ: All right. To dirt.
Hawkeye: And to the Army that lets us eat it, drink it, breathe it, and salute it.
Hawkeye: All right, what else do we love?
BJ: You love dirt?
Hawkeye: Dirt is my life.
BJ: All right. To dirt.
Hawkeye: And to the Army that lets us eat it, drink it, breathe it, and salute it.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
BJ: Do you know how to make a cow say "ah"?
Hawkeye: Not without getting emotionally involved.
Hawkeye: Not without getting emotionally involved.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: Sorry to break up this pow-wow, boys, but Bossie says it's time to call the cab.
Hawkeye: You get her up on the table and I'll hold her hand.
BJ: Does anyone know where I can find a cigar that says, "It's a heifer"?
Potter: You coming, Winchester? I bet a city fella like you hasn't had a chance to see this before.
Charles: I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrel of live squid.
Hawkeye: You get her up on the table and I'll hold her hand.
BJ: Does anyone know where I can find a cigar that says, "It's a heifer"?
Potter: You coming, Winchester? I bet a city fella like you hasn't had a chance to see this before.
Charles: I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrel of live squid.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: Yes, I know I didn't sign the morning reports.
Klinger: Sir, it would be easier to remember to sign the reports instead of remembering you didn't sign them.
Potter: I'll remember that.
Klinger: Sir, it would be easier to remember to sign the reports instead of remembering you didn't sign them.
Potter: I'll remember that.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: I'll bet you'd love a good breakfast.
Clayton Kibbee: I sure would, but I'll settle for what you folks eat.
Clayton Kibbee: I sure would, but I'll settle for what you folks eat.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
BJ: You know how I like mine? Fried up, so the yolk is a glowing yellow jewel in a shimmering alabaster white.
Hawkeye: You'd better have your eggs with a cold shower.
Hawkeye: You'd better have your eggs with a cold shower.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(Charles moans of a toothache)
Hawkeye: Beej, don't forget, in the morning it's your turn to milk Charles.
Hawkeye: Beej, don't forget, in the morning it's your turn to milk Charles.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Charles (to Korean, about toothache): What does this cure?
Korean: Hunger. That's my dinner.
Korean: Hunger. That's my dinner.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
PA Announcement: Attention! The Chinese have begun a new offensive. Command anticipate heavy casualties within the next twenty-four hours. This is a recording.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Sidney: Major.
Charles: Hiya.
Sidney: First time I've seen you in your summer uniform.
Charles: This is the real me.
Sidney: Sorry to hear that.
Charles: Hiya.
Sidney: First time I've seen you in your summer uniform.
Charles: This is the real me.
Sidney: Sorry to hear that.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter (during a long OR session): I was transferred here seven days ago; seems like I've been operating for eight.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(BJ shouts for joy)
Potter: Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone.
BJ: Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.
Potter: How do you know that?
BJ: He left his fingerprints are all over this guy.
Klinger: What are you talking about?
BJ: Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?
Potter: Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone.
BJ: Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.
Potter: How do you know that?
BJ: He left his fingerprints are all over this guy.
Klinger: What are you talking about?
BJ: Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?
TV Show: M*A*S*H